[committedsoul]

Hi! My name is TJ and I have been a foster parent for almost 4 years. I have been through the good times, the heartbreaks, the let-downs, the smiles, the tears, and the fears...

This is my first post... I have been doing a lot of reading on the forum, and because of what I have read, I feel the need to remind everyone of something...

When we took those classes and decided to open our homes and hearts to these children, we put our hearts on the line. The overwhelming truth of the matter is that although we love these children as our own, they are not our children.

If you want a child that is yours to keep, it is best to go straight adoption. Then you will receive a child whose parental rights have been terminated. But when you are a foster parent... and yes, even a fost adopt parent, you have to face the reality that regardless as to what the parents past transgressions may be, these are their children. It's almost unfair to the kids to cry and despair about the possibility of them being returned to their bio family (whether it be mom, dad, or any other bio family member). At the end of the day, those of us who are foster parents are there to love, nurture, and take care of these children until they are returned to their bio family. Regardless as to what their mom/dad has done, whether or not an aunt/grandma/uncle/cousin has been there or shown interest or not, those people are their family and they deserve the right to raise those children just as much as you feel that it is your right.

If it is your goal to extend your family through foster care, I am not trying to sway you, but the awesome reality of it is that you need to be prepared for the day most likely when the children are returned to their family.

It is a serious and painful job. Please do not take it lightly.

[sunsetsky]

Hi,
You are so right! Your statement should be read in every MAPP class. I have a fc now that I am hoping to adopt. Because of the constant conflict of ru vs adoption, I will not be accepting any more adopt/fost children. I knew I couldn't do fostercare but I didn't fully understand that is exactly what I am doing. I will love and care for my fc as my own until he is ru or adopted but no more foster/adopt children for me. It is too hard. Thanks, Sunny

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by committedsoul

The overwhelming truth of the matter is that although we love these children as our own, they are not our children.

So true. We love them as our own but we can't guarantee they will be ours forever. I do see alot of foster parents on here saying "I'm gonna be a Mommy soon" or "My daughter will be here soon." I hope they aren't setting themselves up for hurt...they are not your children until you legally adopt them. There is always the RU possiblity.

I see this with the FP family that currently has our niece in another state. They were told from DAY 1 they would adopt her. They believed everything they were told by the SW's and now they give us a sob story about losing her. My feeling is every kid should be with family if at all possible. We went and got licensed as foster parents and we have been at this since August. We have now hired an attorney. I don't want to look like the nasty evil Aunt but this is insane! I know as a foster parent I would want all my kids to go to family if possible...and would actually welcome that if the family member is cleared. We have done all that and still wait and in the meantime our niece sits in a home bonding with them.

[Howdy]

Originally Posted by committedsoul

....Regardless as to what their mom/dad has done, whether or not an aunt/grandma/uncle/cousin has been there or shown interest or not, those people are their family and they deserve the right to raise those children just as much as you feel that it is your right.....

TJ, I agree with most of your post. It is painful when a placement leaves that you were hoping to adopt, but you are right that is what fost-adopt is about, about what is best for the child (to not change homes more than necessary, but to go to family if possible) not about what is best for the hopeful parents.

But I disagree about the 'regardless what was done' and 'whether or not they showed interest' ideas. The child I adopted from foster-care was in fostercare for 15 months before an aunt got into a huff wanting to adopt her. That aunt had been asked several times during the 15 months, and even at about 14 months she told the adoption caseworker that they should ask the previous fostermom (me) if I would adopt the child. This aunt is a very nice person but she has no time for a special needs child (very busy career, famous, travels). She was aware of not having the time but was put under pressure by the family (none of whom else wanted to adopt the child) and that was what caused her, after 15 months, to threaten to get a lawyer and get the child.

Luckily for the child TPR had occurred 3 months before, so the county discussed the options and chose me. I don't think family (especially if they haven't shown interest) is the best thing for a child who has special needs. A foster family who knows the child's problems and is willing and educated on how to care for the child ought, in my opinion, to get a lawyer if necessary and fight to keep a child.

My daughter was originally a fost-adopt placement with me, I was very sad about it when she was sent to relatives with the goal of adoption. I was sad for me but supportive because they were relatives and wanted the child. But it turned out very badly. The relative refused to learn about how to care for the child, insisting on treating her like a 'normal' child -- responding to the child's control issues and defiance as if she was a 'bad' kid and punishing (including physically) her, and did not protect her from further sexual abuse (the child inadvertantly invites abuse and needs to be carefully watched over and also educated on how she responds to men), etc.

I have also had a fost-adopt placement that went to a relative who really cared and was aware of the special issues and willing to do learn and treat the child properly.

So other things being equal family is best, but I doubt if things are equal very often. I don't think family deserves to raise a child simply because they are family, I think the child's interests are the most important.

[committedsoul]

Originally Posted by Howdy

TJ, I agree with most of your post. It is painful when a placement leaves that you were hoping to adopt, but you are right that is what fost-adopt is about, about what is best for the child (to not change homes more than necessary, but to go to family if possible) not about what is best for the hopeful parents.

But I disagree about the 'regardless what was done' and 'whether or not they showed interest' ideas. The child I adopted from foster-care was in fostercare for 15 months before an aunt got into a huff wanting to adopt her. That aunt had been asked several times during the 15 months, and even at about 14 months she told the adoption caseworker that they should ask the previous fostermom (me) if I would adopt the child. This aunt is a very nice person but she has no time for a special needs child (very busy career, famous, travels). She was aware of not having the time but was put under pressure by the family (none of whom else wanted to adopt the child) and that was what caused her, after 15 months, to threaten to get a lawyer and get the child.

Luckily for the child TPR had occurred 3 months before, so the county discussed the options and chose me. I don't think family (especially if they haven't shown interest) is the best thing for a child who has special needs. A foster family who knows the child's problems and is willing and educated on how to care for the child ought, in my opinion, to get a lawyer if necessary and fight to keep a child.

My daughter was originally a fost-adopt placement with me, I was very sad about it when she was sent to relatives with the goal of adoption. I was sad for me but supportive because they were relatives and wanted the child. But it turned out very badly. The relative refused to learn about how to care for the child, insisting on treating her like a 'normal' child -- responding to the child's control issues and defiance as if she was a 'bad' kid and punishing (including physically) her, and did not protect her from further sexual abuse (the child inadvertantly invites abuse and needs to be carefully watched over and also educated on how she responds to men), etc.

I have also had a fost-adopt placement that went to a relative who really cared and was aware of the special issues and willing to do learn and treat the child properly.

So other things being equal family is best, but I doubt if things are equal very often. I don't think family deserves to raise a child simply because they are family, I think the child's interests are the most important.

I agree that all decisions should be made in the best interest of the children. I made this post to remind foster parents that they should love and nurture the children, but realize that the possibility of them being placed with family is very real. In your case, I completely agree. I know first hand what it is like to raise a child for over a year and then lose them to some family member that came out of the "woodwork".

In some cases, the family member decides to wait to see if the child being in foster care will give the mom/dad some initiative to get themselves together. It rarely works, and what ends up happening is that the hearts of the foster parents are broken when the child is placed with family. In your case, after having asked the aunt on numerous accasions, I wouldn't have placed the child with her either, but if another family member had shown up that HADN'T been notified, the state would owe it to that family member to give them a chance.

Sometimes those relative searches are not as thorough as they should be.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Great post...and exactly why fostering is not for everyone. It is important to remember that we CHOSE to be foster parents and KNOW the risks. These children did not have a choice and the least they deserve is our unconditional love regardless of what the case plan is.

[athikers]

As a foster-adoptive parent who's kids are very likely moving to an aunt's house once her homestudy is completed - I have just a few comments.


I would argue the point that they are MY kids, I have poured my heart and soul into helping them heal for the past four months. I just explained to my ten-year old RADish child last night (she likes to say "if I were your REAL kid" (I don't have any "real" kids)) that she IS my child for however long she is in my house, she is my "real" child and I am ONE of her "real" parents. She deserves to be treated as my child, not as someone less - with all the love and joy and consequences that my "real" child would have.

So, I would agree completely with most of the post... except to say that I hope every foster parent yearns for their children when they leave - because regardless of what we THINK is the outcome when they are placed with us, they deserve to be loved and cared for as if they are our own children and will be with us forever. I will be happy for my kiddos if they get to go live with their bioaunt OR if their parents get their stuff together and the kids reunify but I will be heartbroken too... which only confirmed to me that I'm being the best foster parent I can be.

[Boulderbabe]

I appreciate the good will you have in saying this, TJ, but please.....who among us do you think doesn't know this already? We all get that we're supposed to be temporary parents.

That doesn't mean that many of us don't feel conflicted about sending kids back to parents we feel are only marginally fit and who constantly run the risk of screwing up and damaging the kids again. And me, I loathe what the system does by blindly preferring relative placements without ensuring that the relatives are the best situation for the child, or sending Native American children to reservations where they are destined to live in squalor and poverty. And I utterly hate watching kids who are bonded and thriving in their foster homes being jerked out after years of stability to be sent to a relative who pops out of the woodwork at the last moment.

I understand that fostering was meant to be temporary. I get that, and frankly, don't need to be preached to about it. But to say that "Regardless as to what their mom/dad has done, whether or not an aunt/grandma/uncle/cousin has been there or shown interest or not, those people are their family and they deserve the right to raise those children" is utter and complete baloney, in my opinion. Nobody has a RIGHT to raise a child if they will harm that child, no matter what their genetic connection is.

Please, don't whitewash over the terrible injustices committed against children by the foster care system by telling us to smile and accept them. I don't accept anyone's right to harm a child, no matter what their title is.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by hkolln

My feeling is every kid should be with family if at all possible. I know as a foster parent I would want all my kids to go to family if possible...and would actually welcome that if the family member is cleared.

I do *not* want all my foster children to go to family if at all possible. I want all my foster children to go where they will be adored and supported, given all the treatment and help they need to heal from their experiences, and parented by people who are willing to learn about specialized parenting. If those people are relatives, more the better. But I do not think genetics in any way, shape, or form should take priority over those other considerations, particularly if it is a relative that the child has had little contact with.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

I do *not* want all my foster children to go to family if at all possible. I want all my foster children to go where they will be adored and supported, given all the treatment and help they need to heal from their experiences, and parented by people who are willing to learn about specialized parenting. If those people are relatives, more the better. But I do not think genetics in any way, shape, or form should take priority over those other considerations, particularly if it is a relative that the child has had little contact with.

And if family is there to love and adore them then YES they should go there. I did NOT say they have to go to every family member that comes forward. I said they should go to family "IF at all possible." And this is after they are investigated and can love and take care of the child in a stable home environment. It's so sad to see everyone against family placements when not all family is the bad guys.
"I do *not* want all my foster children to go to family if at all possible."
Your statement was very closed minded towards family. I wonder why that is?

[athikers]

I know you're in a situation where you're fighting the system to get your niece... but "everyone" is not against family placements. Take a moment and read a few of my posts, please.

[AmahMama]

I don't think that this was supposed to get so personal. CommittedSoul has a point in that many of the POSTS on this forum are from fost-adopt families that sound upset when a fc's bio's get-it-together or bio-families enter the picture. I am not saying all, nor am I saying that most circumstances are ideal. I have had so many little guys and gals stay in my home and still live in my heart... I wonder about each and every one of them when I see thier pictures or we remember an event taht they were around for. I wish the bio's would let us have the "distant aunt" status where we would get an annual or thereabouts, picture, email, or postcard saying hi- yes we are still doing good - or we've noved on to another family, or we live in another state now. There are several that I have more concerns for than others - but - I was a safe harbor for them while they were in the direst need. If not for a clean, healthy, safe home - where would they have gone. This is what fostering is about. Helping to raise our next generation with standards and values - even if only for a short time - is what we are for.

Cw's lie, misrepresent, and the system sucks. We all know that. CHILDREN'S LIVES fall thru the cracks. All we can do is what the good Lord put us here for - to do His work with these less than fortunate children.

If I've hurt anyone's feelings - I truly apologise. I put my heart and soul into every child that comes into my home - and they are my children - until the Judge tells me otherwise. I do everything I can for them - I put it all on the line. And I know they are not staying here - I am foster only. I know there are many, many out there just like me and I pray that more are to come. Its for the children.

[h518may]

OK, when I first read this post I was bothered by it. I know what the poster is trying to say, but I come to this forum to learn, vent and receive support. I don't want to check my anger at the door.

Now I don't thing the original post is wrong, it's just that I bite my lip around everyone involved with my FD's case, should I have to do that here.

Let me also say that I was an adoption only home for 4 yrs, and never found a match for our family. After that we became concurrent(foster/adopt). But I knew going in that I needed to be strong enough to be able to give a child up.

[lonni]

Committedsoul. Thank you so much for what you do for fosterchildren. I may never get to meet mine, but I am grateful to them for loving me unconditionally while knowing they would need to let me go.

[committedsoul]

Originally Posted by lonni

Committedsoul. Thank you so much for what you do for fosterchildren. I may never get to meet mine, but I am grateful to them for loving me unconditionally while knowing they would need to let me go.

You are welcome... you are VERY welcome.

This post was never meant to offend or alarm anyone. I am ALWAYS taken aback by the amount of posts that I read where the foster parent is so upset and against the children being placed with their bio family.

I'm originally from Newark, NJ and I have had to let kids go to bio homes that had roaches and rats and where I knew there were some questionable family members. I have struggled with thinking... "Hey, I have money. I can provide for them better." But you know what? All the money in the world will not make that child mine nor will it make them love me any more than their bio family. So I have let those children go... but I have to also let that bio family member know... "Hey, if you need anything, don't hesitate to pick up the phone". And they knew I was genuine and not out to look for a reason to get the child back... Kids don't belong in the foster system...

I treat EVERY child that comes through my doors like they are my own, but I know that I must let them go.

And I have kept tabs on EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM...

To the ones that took this so personally, did you ever stop and think that if you work with the bio family that you are so against raising those kids, that they might... just might let you have an open relationship with them? So that way you CAN see the kids... CAN get pictures... and won't have to wonder?

I moved away from NJ last Feb... and you know what? July 1 of last year and July 1 of this year and probably every year to come... I go and pick up every single one of those kids... and they spend 3 weeks with me... and I live over 600 miles away from NJ now... That's because their parents and guardians know me and trust me and I know them. Everytime I visit NJ I go and check in... I never have to wonder, I can pick up the phone and call... or even better, I can stop by.

The two that are over 18 now... one is graduating high school in June and will be going to college here where I am (staying on campus) and the other one works full time and goes to school... They keep in touch.

Put yourself in that bio family's shoes... You don't know unless you have been there. I wouldn't let a foster parent have a relationship with my son/daughter/niece/cousin/nephew if that person had tried to stand in the way of my gaining custody because they felt they were better than me or more family to the child than I was... Absolutely Not. In some cases I can't blame them.

Don't take it personal... take the bitter with the sweet.