[athikers]

Committed Soul... another thought provoking post. Though, it makes me sad. Hubby and I had hopes and dreams of working with biofamilies to help them make better choices and improve their parenting and then we were matched with our current kiddos. We have been asked by everyone involved to have NO contact with the bios unless it is in writing and even then it must be given to them through a worker. So, any hope of maintaining contact with the kids if they reunify is pretty much zero. However, if they are sent to their aunts (I can't say reunified with her as they don't actually know this aunt) I do hope to work with her and help her understand how the kids have progressed while in our care, how we can all help them transition, etc. And, our hope is that if they go to this relative placement we can take on an "auntie" and "uncle" type of role, especially for our little one who will struggle with losing another mom and dad.

[committedsoul]

Originally Posted by athikers

Committed Soul... another thought provoking post. Though, it makes me sad. Hubby and I had hopes and dreams of working with biofamilies to help them make better choices and improve their parenting and then we were matched with our current kiddos. We have been asked by everyone involved to have NO contact with the bios unless it is in writing and even then it must be given to them through a worker. So, any hope of maintaining contact with the kids if they reunify is pretty much zero. However, if they are sent to their aunts (I can't say reunified with her as they don't actually know this aunt) I do hope to work with her and help her understand how the kids have progressed while in our care, how we can all help them transition, etc. And, our hope is that if they go to this relative placement we can take on an "auntie" and "uncle" type of role, especially for our little one who will struggle with losing another mom and dad.

Sometimes, it isn't in OUR best interest as foster parents to have contact with bio families. Foster parents get a bad rap. We are known as people who take other peoples children away. We are thought of like that because of the fact that a majority of us are given instructions NOT to contact bio family. That was how it was when I was in NJ... I didn't have contact with the bio family unless I went to court (and I ALWAYS did) or when the transition began to take place from my home to the bio home. I was well known to the workers, the bio parents, and yes, even the judges. It wasn't easy to gain the trust of the bio family, but it was well worth it. I have many godchildren now.

Where I live now, contact with the bio family is greatly encouraged. I handle every aspect... from transportation, to supervising visits, to initiating contact. I let the bio family know that I am NOT an adversary. The foster children that are in my home now have GREAT parents. We don't know what causes people to do some of the things they do, but open mindedness and knowledge are my drug of choice. I take the kids to visit their bio family twice a week, and during one of those visits, we all sit down at a restaurant and break bread... me, the kids, the bios, the therapists... If you want to have a great relationship with the kids after they return to their bio family, you have to be willing to have a relationship with the bio family. It isn't always easy... there have been times when the kids will begin to act out and when they do, I step back and let the bios handle it... if they are handling it incorrectly, I show them the correct way, and if I need to step in and take over, they respect it. We show a united front to the kids... and they have learned to respect me and their parents... Bad behavior after the visits is a non issue.

I guess it all depends on where you are and the circumstances that lead the kids into care. My current placements have all of my info... cell, home, office... everything. They can call and tell their kids goodnight... EVERY NIGHT. I have developed relationships with mom, dad, maternal and paternal grandparents... and I'm glad that I did.

But that's just me.

By the way, I am a single therapeudic foster parent... 26 years of age.

[Barksum]

Wow! As always, foster and adoption are emotionally charged topics because we all care about and love our children - bio, foster, or adoptive. It's wonderful to see so many committed and caring people all coming together to discuss ways to provide families for children.

We've been on a few sides of this equation ourselves. We are a family who has had relatives in the foster system, we've adopted one and had others placed with other relatives of the children. We're foster parents and we've also adopted children who are not relatives.

We've met family members of our foster kids who loved the kids but couldn't care for them. We've met family members who were apologetic about the bio parents' problems and abuses. We've been able to be encouraging to some bio families, and with others we've not had any (or very minimal) contact.

I do have to say, though, that as bio family members who've worked with different cw's and states regarding our relatives who were in foster care, it's been TOUGH. We were so concerned that the children would be placed with a foster family who would get their heart set on adopting them due to cw's saying that they thought it would go to TPR, etc. We tried to keep in constant contact so that the cw's knew we were SERIOUS about being concerned, and that not only were we relatives, but we were foster parents with a current license, as well as an adoptive homestudy in place. Since we were foster parents we knew the way the system worked and we were concerned that the foster parent's might be led to believe something that wasn't accurate. It was really tough for me, as I tend to wonder about and fuss over these things. I hurt for the foster parents who were bonding with the kids, even while wanting and waiting to have or little relatives come home to us.

Kudos to the foster parents out there, and to the relatives who adopt their little relatives, and to all the bio parents who DO get straight and are able to make reunification work.

[committedsoul]

Originally Posted by Barksum

Kudos to the foster parents out there, and to the relatives who adopt their little relatives, and to all the bio parents who DO get straight and are able to make reunification work.

Barksum... my sentiments exactly.

[athikers]

Committed Soul,

I do think we will have contact with the biofamilies of future kiddos we foster, generally speaking it is encouraged and its something we're very open to doing. However, it is with good reason that we are not supposed to have contact with our current kids' bioparents. And I certainly respect the caseworker's decision to limit and document all the contact we do have. If the case goes to reunification, we will be asking to PLEASE be allowed to have conversation with the bios as it will be in the best interest of our kids at that point.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by hkolln

Your statement was very closed minded towards family. I wonder why that is?

I'm not closed-minded against family members. But I have seen too many kids placed with relatives that were really questionable to be totally in favor of relative placements. I have also seen too many kids ripped out of homes where they had been for months or years and where they were really attached, just so they could be sent to some distant relative they'd never seen before.

A family connection is great. But it is not the most important thing in considering a child's best interests, and it shouldn't trump the child's interest in stability or psychological well-being. Genetics is not everything.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by committedsoul

I'm originally from Newark, NJ and I have had to let kids go to bio homes that had roaches and rats and where I knew there were some questionable family members.

I work well with bio families and support them getting the kids back if they can address the issues that brought the kids into care. But there is no way on planet earth I'd support letting a kid go into a home where there were roaches and rats! And as for questionable family members----if those family members are drug users, child molesters, or people with a history of violent behavior, there's no way I would support a child going anywhere where those people were.

Sorry, but I think there's a baseline for reunification, and the situations you describe don't meet it.

[Howdy]

It sounds great to have relationships with the bfamilies and be able to have contact after reunification, but my (admittedly limited) experience with bfamilies is that they aren't the kind of people I want to associate with, a couple have seemed okay, and now that I think of it those were bparents of purely-foster kids, but most have had scary psychological, behavior and addiction problems. The kids I've had that were in the fost-adopt category have the families that a person wouldn't want contact with.

[committedsoul]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

I work well with bio families and support them getting the kids back if they can address the issues that brought the kids into care. But there is no way on planet earth I'd support letting a kid go into a home where there were roaches and rats! And as for questionable family members----if those family members are drug users, child molesters, or people with a history of violent behavior, there's no way I would support a child going anywhere where those people were.

Sorry, but I think there's a baseline for reunification, and the situations you describe don't meet it.

At the end of the day... it really doesn't matter whether or not you support it. If that's the case plan, it is what it is.

[stevenstwin]

posted by hkolln
Your statement was very closed minded towards family. I wonder why that is?

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

I'm not closed-minded against family members. But I have seen too many kids placed with relatives that were really questionable to be totally in favor of relative placements. I have also seen too many kids ripped out of homes where they had been for months or years and where they were really attached, just so they could be sent to some distant relative they'd never seen before.

A family connection is great. But it is not the most important thing in considering a child's best interests, and it shouldn't trump the child's interest in stability or psychological well-being. Genetics is not everything.

I know we all see things through the lens of our own experience. So here is my personal reason for being opposed to family placements, and I'm sure this isn't totally unique. My son came to me because there was no-one suitable in the family willing and able to take on his special needs. His younger brother and sister DID go to family. And what family has been doing is allowing the bio mother to have free, unsupervised contact whenever she wants. The family they are with are good, caring, loving people - but on this issue they really don't have the best judgement. And since they are relatives of HER they are consistently bad mouthing the bio dad. This upsets the heck out of my son, that they are going to grow up with a very one sided view, and that they are continuously being influenced by a person he regards as dangerous (and he's right, in my opinion). Not to mention how much it hurts that family 'wanted' the little ones but dont' "want" HIM. Family placements CAN be the absolute WORST thing, because they sometimes do not allow the child a clean break from all the ugliness they have experienced.

[crick]

Guys...it's a heated topic and that's fine

Key points to remember please...

1. Keep the generalizations out and speak directly from your experience.

2. Everyone's personal experience within the system is different, as we all know. So what one of us experiences or does isn't necessarily what others would do. Maybe try to see points of view from everyone's experience not just your own.

Keep posting respectfully, Thanks!

[committedsoul]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

posted by hkolln
Your statement was very closed minded towards family. I wonder why that is?



I know we all see things through the lens of our own experience. So here is my personal reason for being opposed to family placements, and I'm sure this isn't totally unique. My son came to me because there was no-one suitable in the family willing and able to take on his special needs. His younger brother and sister DID go to family. And what family has been doing is allowing the bio mother to have free, unsupervised contact whenever she wants. The family they are with are good, caring, loving people - but on this issue they really don't have the best judgement. And since they are relatives of HER they are consistently bad mouthing the bio dad. This upsets the heck out of my son, that they are going to grow up with a very one sided view, and that they are continuously being influenced by a person he regards as dangerous (and he's right, in my opinion). Not to mention how much it hurts that family 'wanted' the little ones but dont' "want" HIM. Family placements CAN be the absolute WORST thing, because they sometimes do not allow the child a clean break from all the ugliness they have experienced.

You make a valid point. Well taken.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

posted by hkolln
Family placements CAN be the absolute WORST thing, because they sometimes do not allow the child a clean break from all the ugliness they have experienced.

This is true if the family allows this to happen. But not all families are that way. I know just because our niece's mom is family doesn't make what she did right...in fact it upsets us more. Not all family is the same as their relatives...as choices you make in your life make you what you are as an adult. Luckily my husband took the right road and left his family at the age of 17 and joined the Navy. That was his saving grace. And since then he has received his college degree and has a great job. Me, well I never had a dysfunctional family. I grew up in middle class with loving parents and a great homelife. It's so sad when one rotten apple has to make the bushell rotten...luckily my husband is a success story as opposed to his brother and sister. I think moving across country at 17 helped him do that.

[vegaschristina]

This is a very interesting thread. Here's my take.

I've been lucky to only work with one birth family. All 3 of my kids are related. When I accepted placement #2, I told the birth mom, when do you plan on getting him back? She told me right away. I was glad, because I really want this woman to get her life straight. She's my pumpkin's b-mom.

She was close to getting Bubba back and she had a relapse. She began working her case plan again, and gave birth to Sissy. Things were looking like RU was going to happen and again, she had a relapse. The last replase was more than she could take, and she took off. Now I have all 3 kids (1 adopted, 2 foster-adopt) and we're heading to TPR. If she had gotten herself together, I would have handed back the kids. I would have cried myself silly, but I would have done it. She doesn't have any family, so I don't have to worry about people popping out of the woodwork.

I have asked this woman for a letter to her oldest child (my pumpkin) so that when she's older I can help her find her b-mom. She hasn't provided it. I asked her to become a good mom for her other 2 kids. She hasn't.

These are not my fault, so when I think ill of her, it is with cause. I will love these kids as if they are my own until a judge tells me to give them back to her. Until and unless that happens, I will continue to love them as my own.