[dscarter]

I am so scared! We have decided to foster to adopt. We were just doing straight adoption and then flipped midstream, but now, what should I watch out for??? How can I protect my heart. What if I get placement and then fall in love? How can I protect myself, is there a way that I can only foster children that are available? What are your opinions and what would you do differently. I dont want to get blessed with a beautiful child or siblings group to only have them torn from my arms in 5 years?? How can I prevent this? Can you all please give me advice before we go forward?

[AmahMama]

We have lots of love to give - that's what drives us (Fp's) to start with. These children have done nothing but been born to people not able to parent. They need all the love and guidence available to them ~ I don't protect my heart. I love them all. I am concerned for them when they go - either for ru or for adoption - and I know they have had a time of love, trust, stability, and giving. We were able to give them that for the time here - either short or long - A safe place. A loving place. I do what I can, while I can. The rest is in God's hands. He knows when a child needs us.

I can't explain other than that. You know in your head that this child you have been entrusted with is only there for a term - like a niece or nephew coming for an extended visit. When it's time to let them go - it's time.

BTW - with the permanancy laws - no child should be with you for over 2 years without steps being taken for the child to remain for as long as you want them to be. You may like the freedom that foster only allows you - I know I do. We often take breaks between our placements. Sometimes for several months - fostering can definately be stressful and emotionally draining - and adoption extends that (IMO).

Congratulations and welcome to the roller coasters!! We need you.

[Dmommab]

Honestly - there is nothing you can REALLY do to protect your heart. Every time we get a new foster care placement ( we are NOT foster to adopt but have adopted 3! LOL) I say "I'm not going to REALLY get attached" and I do - every time!!! We have 2 little ones right now that caseworker told me would be short-term placement. "Probably not more than 4-5 months" Well, they've been with us since early Aug so it's 5 months now and mom has done NOTHING on her case plan. She comes to visits about 60% of the time and that is it!!! My husband & I have begun to discuss "what if they become eligible for adoption" scenarios. It's a tough one because we already have 4 under 7 so if we would adopt them we would be DONE!!!! We wouldn't foster any more and certainly wouldn't adopt any more because he is 47 and I will be 46 next week. It's a tough decision but on the other hand I can't imagine just telling the caseworker NO!! We've got a lot of time before we have to make this decision if it even comes down to it but you just have to trust that if it's right it will happen & if not it won't. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

When you foster children you just have to remember that YOU are not the one in need of love and care. You are often the first or only person these children may feel love from. You are an adult and KNOW the risks. A child is an innocent victem of their circumstances. This is why I promise to love every child in my care for every second they are with me and in my heart...because every child deserves to know what love feels like. Sure they may go back to the b-parents, but it is a risk we take.

[straightblues]

I was in your same boat and got a sibbling group of 3. We were told a lot of lies. We didn't know how things worked and were very supprised. Here is a basic outline of how these cases go. Make sure you check the laws in your state because they vary by state.

These cases start on two tracks. The two are ongoing at the same time. One track is adoption and the other is reunification. By the end of 18 months (between 14 and 20 months depending on the State) a "permanent plan" must be put in place by the court. That permanent plan will be either adoption or reunification.

The parents are given a case plan to follow. That case plan includes thing like: parenting classes, anger managment, drug testing and drug rehab, visits with the children, phone calls with the children and meetings with the social workers. The parents must also get an adequate house for the children and prove how they are going to support the children. The parents will not be given the children back unless they can prove all of the stuff has been completed and the can support the children.

While the parents are doing their stuff, the children are in your foster home. The social workers will watch the foster family and make sure things are going well. You will be asked over and over again if you want to adopt. You will also have to prove you can house the children and support them.

There will be progress hearings every three months. The judge will monitor the progess of both the parents and the foster home. If the judge feels like the parents aren't doing their work, they can move to a termination of parental rights at any time. However, they usually give the parents at least 12 months to comply. If they haven't complied after 12 months they usually start the Termination of Parental Rights process. This could take a number of months and the parents will likely fight it.

Once the TPR happens the parents can appeal the decision. The appeal takes between 6 and 12 months. After the appeal the foster parents can adopt.

Before you take the children, get a good understand of what point in the case they are. Also get as much information about the parents as possible. Learn why the children were removed. How long they have been in foster care. If you get in early in the process, the whole ride usually last 3 years. The best sceanrio is to get in at the time of the TPR or just as the TPR is about to happen. Then things can be completed in a year or so.

Foster parent risk loosing the child they have come to love until the adoption is finalize. You will have to learn to live with this risk or you won't make it. It is a very hard journey but the rewards can be great. Don't let anyone tell you it is easy because it isn't.

[BarbaraB]

Let me second what straightblues said about getting as much information as possible. Often in my experience as a guardian ad litem I have seen kids placed in a foster home where the foster parents are given very little information about the children's background, why they were removed, etc. Find out as much as you can. If there is no father, find out what is being done to locate him. Sometimes a case drags on because, even after a mother has failed to complete a case plan, a father surfaces at the last moment. Ask what is being done to locate relatives. Sometimes relatives are not contacted until the child has been in care for several months. If that is the situation, at least you will be prepared. The reality in many states is that you dramatically increase your chances of adopting through the state if you are willing to foster. Only you know if you can accept the risk, but it may be worth it in the long run, and it will definitely be worth it for the children you foster if you can give them stability and real affection for the time they are with you.

[straightblues]

As a foster parent you have your most power when the social worker is trying to place the children. Use that power to get the most information you can. Once they are placed, your power goes way way down.

[dscarter]

Originally Posted by Dmommab

Honestly - there is nothing you can REALLY do to protect your heart. Every time we get a new foster care placement ( we are NOT foster to adopt but have adopted 3! LOL) I say "I'm not going to REALLY get attached" and I do - every time!!! We have 2 little ones right now that caseworker told me would be short-term placement. "Probably not more than 4-5 months" Well, they've been with us since early Aug so it's 5 months now and mom has done NOTHING on her case plan. She comes to visits about 60% of the time and that is it!!! My husband & I have begun to discuss "what if they become eligible for adoption" scenarios. It's a tough one because we already have 4 under 7 so if we would adopt them we would be DONE!!!! We wouldn't foster any more and certainly wouldn't adopt any more because he is 47 and I will be 46 next week. It's a tough decision but on the other hand I can't imagine just telling the caseworker NO!! We've got a lot of time before we have to make this decision if it even comes down to it but you just have to trust that if it's right it will happen & if not it won't. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

My dh and I are 40. That is hard to handle. I cant imagine being in your shoes. If I were bonded, I would have to adopt them, but then again, like you said, "will you be through"??? Our state only allows 5 counting my own. We have one son. He is 16. We do our home visit tonight. YEAH!!! I thank you for sharing your response wiht me, I feel you are struggling wiith direction and I have said a prayer for you. May God bless you in all that you do.. Hugs..

[LeighM]

We started our journey 5 years ago as a foster/adopt family. We could have taken a placement even before the final homestudy was signed but we didn't. In fact we turned down at least a dozen calls before we accepted S as a placement. S was a new born in fact the call came just hours after her birth. She had siblings in care but none of the other ff would take S. The older children had already been in care for over a year. And the cw was sure the case would go to TPR. S came to our home two days after the call. At one point during our journey the threaten to pull S from our home if we did not take her baby brother (baby #5) but we held strong. Baby D (#5) was born right after my FIL died and we had a lot on our plate at the time. By the time S was 21 months old we adopted her and the other foster familes (3 other families) adopted her siblings. We see S's siblings on a regular basis. Our families have become one and these children will grown up knowing each other.

My recommendation is go slow wait for the right call not just any call. But remember just because a cw tells you she thinks the child will be adoptable doesn't mean it will happen. We had a placement last year that we thougth would be adoptable - ** had already lost 4 other children. Two of those children she had lost rights too less than a year earlier. But the case went before a different Judge and he sent her home even with bp 20+ year history of drug abuse. She was clean 45 days and the Judge let her have the baby.

This is a tough road for adoption. And times I wondered why we didn't just go overseas. Than I look at S and I know we have been blessed.

My recommendation to you is get to know fp in your area. Not just new fp but the ones that have done it for a while. They will help you and you never know they may have the child of your dreams in there home. We foster just to foster now. My dh won't let me adopt anymore children. But trust me if I get the right child I know two great sets of fp wanting to adopt and I would do what I can to help them.

[dscarter]

Originally Posted by LeighM

We started our journey 5 years ago as a foster/adopt family. We could have taken a placement even before the final homestudy was signed but we didn't. In fact we turned down at least a dozen calls before we accepted S as a placement. S was a new born in fact the call came just hours after her birth. She had siblings in care but none of the other ff would take S. The older children had already been in care for over a year. And the cw was sure the case would go to TPR. S came to our home two days after the call. At one point during our journey the threaten to pull S from our home if we did not take her baby brother (baby #5) but we held strong. Baby D (#5) was born right after my FIL died and we had a lot on our plate at the time. By the time S was 21 months old we adopted her and the other foster familes (3 other families) adopted her siblings. We see S's siblings on a regular basis. Our families have become one and these children will grown up knowing each other.

My recommendation is go slow wait for the right call not just any call. But remember just because a cw tells you she thinks the child will be adoptable doesn't mean it will happen. We had a placement last year that we thougth would be adoptable - ** had already lost 4 other children. Two of those children she had lost rights too less than a year earlier. But the case went before a different Judge and he sent her home even with bp 20+ year history of drug abuse. She was clean 45 days and the Judge let her have the baby.

This is a tough road for adoption. And times I wondered why we didn't just go overseas. Than I look at S and I know we have been blessed.

My recommendation to you is get to know fp in your area. Not just new fp but the ones that have done it for a while. They will help you and you never know they may have the child of your dreams in there home. We foster just to foster now. My dh won't let me adopt anymore children. But trust me if I get the right child I know two great sets of fp wanting to adopt and I would do what I can to help them.

Do you ever regret fostering? Do you wish you would have just gone straight adopt with DHS? I am still in this state of I dont know which to do... The only reason we would foster is to be able to adopt. That is our goal... Our DHS said that fostering to adopt is better because you get the opps to adopt the children of choice rather than taking in children that are unadoptable. Does that make since?? They said that foster parents get first chocie and the reason that there are no children under a certain age available, is because these children go to foster homes for adoption first.. Does that make since??

[dscarter]

Originally Posted by dscarter

Do you ever regret fostering? Do you wish you would have just gone straight adopt with DHS? I am still in this state of I dont know which to do... The only reason we would foster is to be able to adopt. That is our goal... Our DHS said that fostering to adopt is better because you get the opps to adopt the children of choice rather than taking in children that are unadoptable. Does that make since?? They said that foster parents get first chocie and the reason that there are no children under a certain age available, is because these children go to foster homes for adoption first.. Does that make since??

Also, how hard is it to straight adopt an older child or sibling group if you are not going through DHS to do so? Is it costly or does it make a difference if the child is older? Can you even adopt an older child without going through DHS.. Our home is approved for three..I want at least two , would like boys and one little girl would be a blessing too... Is there a place to adopt siblings older other than DHS??

[LeighM]

Sorry for the delay in responding. I do not regret fostering at all. I have learned a lot about the system and a lot about myself.

I know of families who are only adoptive families. They wait a very long time for young children. I have also known some who gave up due to the wait and they were not willing to foster.

Most young children do get adopted by their foster parents. My guess is probably 90% are adopted by foster parents or family. But that is just my quess.

I think the trick is to ask a lot of questions. And be prepared for the child to go home. That does happen. I think I said this in my earlier post. We passed up a lot of kids at first. But when I got the call for S it just felt right.

Also just so you know - you may hear they are doing a staffing (selecting an adoptive home) for a young child. They will ask if you want to be included. Your first question should always be - is the foster family wanting to adopt? Some states require that you have a staffing with other families if the foster family hasn't had that child in there home for x amount of time. 99.9% of the time the foster family is selected. But the state can now say they followed policy. The bad side is - it makes families wonder why the were not selected.

Something else I would recommend to you is this. Ask your lw for a list of adoption workers in your area. Get their email address and send them a quick introduction about your family and they type of child/children you are interested in. You never know who might have the right group of children for you.

I hope this helps.

[po]

Your scenario is the ideal situation. What state are you in? We are in Indiana and things are supposed to work like that, but don't. Cw will go to court with a case plan for termination since that is the law. The next week they will have dropped the plan and got back to reunification. We have had several children for 3 or 4 years. One girl has been in the systen since she was 6. She is now 11 and still not terminated. Mom was given numerous chances. Another aged out of the system. She came into the system at 4 or 5. Now Indiana is not giving the kids the chance to feel love, but they just are not taking them away. They do not want to pay perdiem and are placing them in relative placements or unlicensed homes.

[sethsmommy]

What age would be considered "young" I am thinking younger than 3 or is it 2??

Good advice here!

[dougmg]

We have lost one child after 11 months and another after three years. Both were in our home since birth. My advice, do you homework, akthough we did our homework. Write down the questions that you want answered, if they can't answer them pass on the child. Once placement occurs, you are powerless to effect much change and are pretty much treated as a nuisance.