[halingr]

I hope some of you more experienced foster Moms can help me. I'm really questioning whether or not I should be a foster parent. I have four bio kids and for the past 5 months have been fostering a four year old boy. He is very sweet and well-behaved and really doesn't even have any behavior problems. He was neglected and so is quite needy emotionally and has had some aggression and a little problem with lying for no apparent reason but nothing that I would consider really abnormal or excessive. Which is why I'm wondering what MY problem is. I just don't feel like I'm bonding with him or love him like I should. When he does something wrong it makes me feel annoyed and angry right off the bat almost whereas I have a lot more tolerance for my bio kids behavior. He does get into trouble more than my bio son but it's my reaction to it that bothers me. I try not to show it but I worry all the time that he knows that I don't love him like my own son or that I favor my bio son over him. I'm not a physically affectionate person and understandably, he seems to need a lot of hugs and reassurance. I just don't feel like I want to be affectionate with him like I do with my own son. Of course, I try to do it when he clearly is needing it but I'm always afraid that he'll pick up on the fact that I'm faking or doing out of duty to him when I'm so much more genuine with my bio son. My three girls are older and so I think there is less comparing going on with them but he and my son are less than a year apart in age so my feelings seem so obvious to me and I'm so worried that I'm hurting his feelings every time I show my love for my bio son. I think I'm getting better with time but I used to even kind of resent it when other people - my husband, other family members, etc. endulged my foster son with a lot of attention even though I know how much he needs it. It's just that my own kids don't beg for attention all the time so I see them getting a whole lot less attention and then my protectiveness kicks in and I feel annoyed that my foster son is taking attention away from them. Again, I seem to be getting over this a bit and my foster son is doing so well that I know I can't be doing a totally bad job but I really worry still that my slow learning might not be fair to him. I so want to love and help chlidren and to be like other foster parents I know for whom fostering seems to come so naturally. They seem to genuinely love their foster kids like they were their own children all along. I'm so disappointed in myself that I don't. I'm starting to think that this is God teaching me that I do have limits and that I really don't have to save the world I should just take care of the children he's already given me. I've been praying about this for so long but how will I know?

[straightblues]

First of all since you are thinking about this it shows what a compasionate person you are. I am sure you are a great foster mom.

I personally think 4 children is enough and I would stick with them. But that is only because I have 3 foster children and I know how much work they are.

There are lots of ways to help children besides foster care. Pray to God to have him show you other ways.

[AmahMama]

It takes time for both you and the child to become comfortable with each other. I'm not a "huggy" person either - so my hugs are special. I do a lot of good job's and that's greats and other verbal hugs. I am more verbal than touchy. Many of these kids don't want touchy - at least not right from the start. They've been "touched" to much.

Sometimes the bonding just isn't there. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. You didn't say what the case plan is. . Reunification - he won't be there forever. TPR - it may be best to disrupt the placement if you don't feel as tho' you are doing the child justice and cannot bond with him. I can see that you are torn - but I personally think you just may need to vent - I haven't "bonded" with every child that has shared my home but they were reunification - not here long - and were still better off than they were. The way I look at it - everything can't be perfect all the time.

God has led you in this direction - there are so many volunteer services that can be done - besides fostering. Pray about it - the answer will come.

[Bongosmama]

I have 3 bio kids, and have fostered 9. It has been 5 years since I last fostered, and this week I have a 5-yr old boy in my home.

Everything you are feeling is normal. The fact that you are concerned about your reactions means you're okay... Some of the kids I fostered in the past were very close to my own kids in age, including once breastfeeding mine and another! That was silly - i burnt myself out in a week, and was so relieved when she went to a permanent placement!

Right now, I'm a little scared. When we first start fostering, we have certain romantic illusions, and most of them are about ourselves... What a great mother I am, look how cool my kids are, I am making a difference in the world... Of course, I am speaking about myself here! But you know - it's not about us, is it? It's about them. It's about meeting a need, about showing compassion. Luckily, we have kids of our own, who have taught us a few things about HOW to be a mom.

You know what to do, and you are doing it. Love takes time (I am so preaching to myself!), its own time... And what came built in with your bio kids has to grow with your foster kids. Remember, yours were 9 months in your womb, as you slowly got used to the idea of them. ANd they were silent and perfect, just an idea! Love for outside children takes at least as long, often much more, because you're dealing with a real, imperfect little human, and your own imperfect self.

I worry about my kids, too. But I can tell you this - they have compassionate hearts, and understanding of their privileged place in this family and inthe world, that they would never have had if they had not had to share it...

You go, girl!!! Please email me if you like - our foster boys are almost the same age, and I've almost forgotten what on earth do with this age group! My oher 3 are 15, 13 and 11. Sigh! Just when I had mornings to sleep in at last!!!

Why do we do this???? But that's a WHOLE other topic...

Much love in the trenches...

Tanya

[EmmaLeigh2882]

I know how you feel. I havent been a foster mom before, but I have two little ones for about 2 months now. I am only now starting to form any real attachements with them. They are here for the long run- we are going to adopt them. I was worried about adopting a child ( or two) that I didnt "love" yet. I am now looking at it as a long term marriage, not a short term affair.

What has helped me start attaching was picking out names for them. By choosing names that my husband and I would have named our bio children if we had any helps me reaffirm that these little ones are mine now. They will have more then a name, they will have a place in my heart. I think once the adoption is finalized even more bonding will happen- they will then forever be mine! No one could ever take them away.
For me love grows slow, but its a sure thing. There may not be too much in my love bank, but at least its earning interest!

[Bongosmama]

I LOVE that love bank thought... I'm gonna use that, thank you!!

[halingr]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies! You are all so right. I really don't know what I'll end up doing but I feel a little better just having talked to someone. My little guy will go home to his bio Dad soon (court is on Monday) so I feel like knowing that has eased the pressure a little. Before, I didn't know and I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to love and want him. I'm still worried about his new home with his Dad but I know that his Dad loves him more than I ever could and although he's a little cognitively delayed it's the love that counts and I'm sure that God will protect him. Until he goes home I'll just keep inviting the Dad to church and karate class and everything that I can so that maybe we can still see him after he goes home. Maybe we can be there for his Dad and maybe working with parents will be more of my calling. Anyway, thanks so much for your help. If I foster again I will at least be sure to get a child that isn't so close in age to my own I think that would help a lot. God bless you all.

[vernellinnj]

I'm by no means an expert but in my case it has taken time to "fall in love" with my foster children. It did happen with both of them but it took time.

Try not to put so much pressure on yourself...we're all doing the best we can. That's all God requires..