[momof2redheads]

Okay, I have a foster daughter and I am at my wits end. She has ODD and I don't know what to do anymore. She has been stealing from people at school, she has been Lying abut everything, and she has been going into other kids desk and vandilizing books and notepads. I have had her since Jan. I know the honeymoon period is really over now. She destroys things just to do it. The CW and CASA people all tell me that I am doing what I should be doing with her like taking away things, time in a chair set up by the wall. I make her read a little boook about whatever she did, like stealing, and she has to write a small book report on the book. The books are small about 12 pages. I should say my FD is only 8. I know she has been through alot but I think my own kids are suffering because of her. We haven't been able to do our Family nights together since she has been here because of her behavior. If I try to spend one on one time with my daughter she constantly tries to interupt. She just won't take no for an answer. I know that I want to help this little girl but how can I without hurting my own children? My 6 year old has now started to growl at me when he doesn't get his way, just like she does. I disipline both of them the same way when this happens so I don't understand why my son is doing this like her. I guess my question would be If I am doing the right things to try to break the behaviors why doesn't seem like they are getting through to her? Will it ever?


momof2redheads
Step son 21
bio daughter "S" 11
bio son "N" 6
Foster Daughter "E" 8

[oldenough]

I don't really know what to say besides hang in there. It sounds like a really difficult situation, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[eternaloptimist]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like this child has an attachment disorder ; if so,her behaviors will probably get worse. Have you asked her SW if she has ever been evaluated for RAD ? It couldn't hurt to find that out. You might want to check out the attachment and bonding posts here ; lots of parents of children with similar issues to your FD. By the way, I believe I would watch this child very carefully when she is around younger kids,like your 6 year old. Good luck with this. Elizabeth

Adoptive mom of 10 year old A.
Foster mom to 2 year old J.

[2boysandgrowing]

maybe a family with no other children would be best but I know it would probably be hard for the case worker to find but she sounds like she needs alot of one on one atten.but I hope everything turns out like you hope and we will pray for her and your family

[nevergiveup64]

I understand what is happening and it does sound like you are dealing with some kind of attachment disorder. But RAD or AD can heal with the right support system. I could really wirte a book here as I have lived the journey, but to keep it simple check out my website and also Get the NEW Book, Beyond Consequences, logic and control, A Love-Based Approach For Helping Attachment-
Challenged Children With Severe Behaviors" go to Heather Forbes and Dr. Post really know how to help frustrated parents.

Take care.

[austinrae]

All you can do is try to help a foster child but you have to keep in mind your own children.
I truly believe in doing what I can for these children but if I feel that my 2 & 4 year old are suffering in anyway then it's time for me to move on.

I have had 12 foster boys- all teenagers- and have had to only have one moved- so I think that's a good ratio- I want my children to see that we need to help others but you do have to draw a line on what you and your family are capable of.

[b4truth]

survival behavior...

we just saw a video in our PATH classes: the little girl had the same behaviors : stealing and lying. after she stole the mother's bracelet, the mother asked her if she had it and she denied it, the mother then took off a necklace she was wearing and told the little girl that she was special to her and she wanted her to have this special necklace as her own. the mother made it clear that she knew "jane" was lying and stealing but still loved her and wanted her to have nice things, personal things.

...another foster mother found their child's stash of stolen goods under the bed so if one of the other children asked for one of the missing items, ex. one was a video, she would say.."it's under jane's bed, you can go get it but then put it back." the child who took the video finally went on their own and put the video back in its rightful place..

these were real foster families on the video. we were told they have great resources for this kind of thing. i am surprised your sw doesn't have ideas for you as these behaviors can be quite common.

in the words of Dr Phil, how's it working for you? and if it's not try a different approach. you might want to have her return the school items to each child and have her apologize and then you can say something to the other child like "jane thinks you have really good taste but she still shouldn't have taken it."

probably not at all helpful but i truly hope things get better.

[Navy_RP_Wife]

In a way this sounds like my foster kids but not to such an extreme. With our fd,7, she can be very manipulative to get her way and her favorite thing is to get DH upset with me. In her mind, the more material possessions she has, the more she is loved. Unfortunately for me, I love buying little girl stuff. Anyways, M is parentified and wise beyond her years, so we speak very matter factually to her. We tell her we know she has been through alot but that doesn't excuse her behavior, yadda yadda yadda. We explain why it wrong and punish her accordingly, which usually means taking her favor thing: her bike. Then we reassure her for what feels like the millionth time that she is safe her, we love her and all that. But usually calling attention to the fact that we know what she is up to is enough to curb it. As for her brother, B, he seems to have no empathy for anyone or anything. He has a bad habit of breaking our 10 yr. old bio son's toys. Finally he fesses up to being mad that K was here before him so he breaks his toys. He has also told us he wishes his mommy was like us so he could go home. But B is forever doing something wrong, such as running in the house, jumping on the furniture, ignoring me and all that. We have found that over correction for disipline or simply telling him to stop it works the best. We are starting to see that the less attention we give the bad behavior, the sooner it stops. And he just keeps finding new naughty things to do. I laughingly tell him he is going to drive me crazy! He is still learning the difference between good attention and bad attention, a concept that is slowly sinking in. Also, we know that he has some AD but it isn't RAD. They both see a psychologist once a week that is wonderful. Our kids have lots of anger over the things that happened to them, but with time, it is getting better for them. I am sure your little one has lots of anger issues that she needs to deal with. We talk with our kids when they say stuff about being angry to try and help them through all of this. Our kids case is going to TPR and we know that until they know what their future holds, these are the things we will be dealing with. Best of luck to you....

[coachmur]

I personally don't think there is a foster child that doesn't suffer from at least mild RAD. I would recommend reading the book "building the bonds of attachment" by Daniel A. Hughes. It has helped me alot. I haven't read the book mentioned above but plan too after hearing about it on these boards.