[mossy2]

Any advice for dealing with this comment during battles over rules? It is true because my biological kids have been with me forever, and most of the struggles with them over basic issues were addressed long ago. I no longer fight with them over homework or have to set hard rules for homework time.

Sometimes this claim of unfair treatment is just not true. If my kid were do do ____ they would get the same reaction.

I also get a disrespectful attitude from my f. daughter that my bio kids have outgrown. It pushes my buttons big time, and the arguements shift gears faster than I can keep up with them. I am left feeling like a big failure at the whole thing, but know I shouldn't be intimidated into softening the rules. It gets pretty confusing, and I am left with big tension between us.

I have insisted on a scheduled "talk" a few days after big conflicts to figure out a better way to resolve things between us. This wound up disintegrating into another battle. I want to understand what the dynamic is and how to avoid the blow up. She throws out a lot of "you don't care about me" and "you wouldn't treat anyone else like this!"

My foster daughter has been with us almost one year, and she has been a friend of my bio daughter and our family for several years (as she was in foster care and out). We hope to have her with us until she is on her own one day.

[tybeemarie]

It sounds like your daughter says this precisely to drive you crazy and to get the focus off her misbehavior and on to a charged emotional and guilt-inducing commotion. Isn't maddening how you can see this, can predict this, and yet, it can still drive you up a tree? Anyway, the Love and Logic approach, which you can read about in Parenting with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, is to pick a stock response to this comment and then say it dispassionately (that's the tough part!), something like, "Nice try, honey, but I love you too much to argue."

I say this, and yet I find it VERY, VERY difficult to not respond when my children push my buttons. They are really experts when it comes to creating chaos in their homes. Please know that we all know how this feels, and we're all struggling with how to respond to our wounded, often maddening, but always precious, children. I look forward to reading other people's replies. Thanks for asking such a good question so honestly.

[mana]

I had a teenage for 23months (my husbands cousin). They are very challenging and I would do it all over again. I remember those heated moments that there pushing your button. You need to be clever and if there are certin things she says that push your buttons plan your response a head of time. Try talking once a week and doing something as a family too. And if possible to make her feel more important by taking time for the two of you to spend time together. Ex. go out to lunch and talk, go to a movie, go for a walk, bake cookies, ect.

I know it's tuff just think of the difference your trying to make.

mana

[Ms. Jackie]

I must say, as someone who spent ten years in foster care, that even the best foster parents sometimes treat bio and foster kids differently. Sometimes even when it is pointed out, they cannot see it. The fact is, you have not raised this child, you do not always know what you can or cannot trust her to do and you do not have the bond with her you have with your own kids. I am not saying that you do treat her differently, but I would say, don't rule it out so fast.