[jackie]

We have three bio children and will finalize Thursday on the adoption of our 11 yo son. We are thrilled that he is here and has made some great improvments. He is right in the middle of our bio children in age and they all get along pretty good. We have had our challenges but overall things didn't seem too much. We had talked about foster parenting in the past, but thought it best to just adopt. Now we are talking about foster parenting again even though we know it will mean heartache when a child leaves our home. We know there will be joys also as we hope to be able to adopt some of the children along the way.
My son's caseworker is amazed almost at the differences she sees in our son. She has told me he is a different child. She even said he was like a wild child at one point. I have all his records and I know that is probably close to being true, but I really didn't see dealing with him as that huge of a challenge. We've talked to a few people about fostering and all have said that we seem to be natural at doing this and have encouraged us to go for it. The only thing is that not everyone encouraging us is familiar with the foster parent world. I know the caseworkers see alot and I put alot of stock to their opinions, but what I am wondering is...

Are there things that I am missing?
What are some of the biggest challenges to foster parenting?
What about the affects of this on my children already at home?
(our youngest is 9, so we would ask that the children be no older than her.)
What advice can you give me that you wish you knew from the beginning?

Thank you very much.

Blessings,
Jackie

[lambeausam]

I think it is definitely a family decision. Ask each family member to write down characteristics that they feel would and would not work in your family i.e. sexually abused children, children with mental or physical disabilities. Do you plan to have one of your children share a room with a foster child? If so, what type of children are they willing to share with? For example, my seven year old son is willing to share his room with a boy that is between 4 and 8 years old. These types of questions will help you create a family profile.

As for the heartache for when they return home...it doesn't seem to matter if they stay for four days or four months, the feelings are the same. My two sons have been taught that as a foster family, our "job" is to make the children feel safe and loved while they stay with us. The boys understand that the foster children stay with us because their parents need some extra help taking care of them. This is especially helpful when the children return home. The boys understand that the parents have the support they need and are ready to take care of the children again. I realize this explanation may be oversimplistic for some families, but since my boys are seven and three, it works well for us.

As for caseworkers and other social staff, it's like any other business. Some are better than others. I have found that if you educate yourself on the agency's procedures and know what your rights are as foster parents, things go much easier. Also, if you become a strong advocate for the children in an educated and tactful manner, you will garner a great deal of respect. Even the so-called "bad" caseworkers will tend to get things done in a timely manner when they know you will be following up.

I hope this information helps. If you would like specifics regarding some of my experience as a foster parent, feel free to private message me.

[jodyk]

I think LambeauSam put it all very well. But I think the first thing you & your husband should do is go to a few agencies' orientations (Private & state). They'll tell you what to expect, the problems the kids may have, issues you might face while fostering, what you have to do to be licensed to foster, etc. Then, once you've been to a few orientations, you can compare the different agencies, what they offer (support, special programs, different amounts of compensation), what they expect of you, etc.

I wish I'd been able to get in touch with more agencies to go to orientations (I only went to 2). I was a bit frustrated with the one I'm with, but I'm feeling better about it now.

I think the biggest challenge is that so much is out of your hands as a foster parent. There are things you decide for your own child that you can't do for your foster child -- like getting their hair cut without permission. (My current headache, as my fs is 20 months old, AA and constantly puts stuff in his hair. It's long, & while I'm not a fan of braids on boys, it's about the only way to control his hair.) If you want to take a fc on a trip, you have to get permission. And, of course, their ultimate fate (whether they go back to bioparents or not) is completely out of your hands.

It's also a little unnerving (although totally necessary) to know that cws can stop by at any time, with or without notification. It hasn't happened to me (in fact, mine didn't show up when she was supposed to), but I'm aware that it can.

All of that said, it's a very worthwhile endeavor, if your family is up to the challenge.

[anmom]

I am sorry to be the one that says it is not worth it. I have fostered 10 kids and gave up my lic. It was to painful. I have had a lot of case managers and not a one of them was worth a ...... I can say this because my husband is a casemanager. You would be amazed at the amount of times they tried to lie to us even though they new my husband knew the rules. I feel sorry for the foster parents out there that are unaware. Casemangers walk all over parents. They want you to just feed and cloth the children but they really don't want any imput from you concerning the kids. They think they know it all. Just because you live with the children 24/7 doesn't really mean anything to them. It sounds like your first casemanager was okay. I know there are some out there. My husband is a great casemanager and as a foster parent he never lies to his families. But they are few and far between.