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This message was originally posted by bubbersmom.

We have had a baby boy in our care for almost 3 months now. We brought him home from the hospital when he was only 5 days old, and he was 6 weeks premature. He was placed as a low-risk adoption, because he was #6 for birthmom (all crack positive/addicted), the only capable relative has placement of all other 5 sibs and said "NO" to this one, and the bf would not return phone calls. He was our first placement, and we are foster/adoptive parents with our county.

Ok, now that you have his background, let me explain my question... my 3 year old niece absolutely ADORES little Snoopy (that's his nickname). She has become a little mother hen to him, and her little face lights up so much when she is around him. She is very, very intelligent, and I think she does understand that he didn't come from my belly.

We are now being faced with the high possibility that Snoopy will be leaving us. We have been told that the aunt now says that if the bp's fall through on their case plan, that she would take Snoopy to keep him in the family. So really that leaves us with one of two scenarios... either Snoopy goes to live with bp's if they prove themselves to be clean, or he goes to live with his aunt.

Back again to my main question... how on earth do I explain this to my niece? I know that she will be heartbroken if he leaves us... heck, she cries if she can't hold him when we come over. She gets sad if I come over to my sister's house without him (ie: if I leave him at home with my dh). My family is very, very close, and we see her at least 3 times a week. She's like a daughter to me, and I don't know how to break this to her. Any suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated.

By the way... I did ask the caseworker if they would take into consideration (if the bp's lose permanent custody) that Snoopy has had whatever time (at least 8-10 months) to bond with us, and that we are the only mommy and daddy he knows. She said that the county MAY take it into consideration, but will probably rule in favor of the aunt. If that starts to happen, we may get an attorney...

Thanks for listening, and for your help.

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This message was originally posted by jolean12.

I wish I could answer your question but I want to let you know that I am praying for you and your family. I would like to hear a suggestion also, our new 2 y/o keeps crying for mama and I don't know how to explain the situation to her either.

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This message was originally posted by hope4kids.

I don't want to be depressing in my reply, but I feel like I ought to share this. I have a baby who is 15 months old. I have had her from birth. Yet, if family came forward, the courts would almost certainly give her to them regardless of the bond we have developed. I don't know what state you are in or if it is the same as here - I am in IL. But I know the courts take relatives very seriously. Especially when there are sibs involved.

It can be really hard on preschoolers. We had an infant for 5 weeks a year ago, and my 4 year old still asks about her. It helps that we got another infant right after that baby left, so I can say that she is probably a lot like my 15 month old. I told my daughter from the beginning of each placement (there have been 7 in total so far) that the child is here because they need someone to take care of them for now. I usually leave it at that until it looks pretty certain that we know where the child will be permanently.

How are you doing? I think that would be immensely difficult for you to face the possibility of having Snoopy move. I faced that possibility early on with my 15 month old. I told the caseworker to move her ASAP if they really and truly thought the family placement was likely. I figured the sooner the better for my daughter and I. Thankfully the other placement did not want to take on a child with all her medical needs. I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be when adoption seems likely and things start to look as if they may change. Let us know how you are and how things develop.

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This message was originally posted by hope4kids.

Jolean,

I guess I will respond here to your question as well. I can only speak from my experience which is quite limited. I have only had one child that age come into placement. She also cried for her mama and asked a lot of questions. I would basically try to listen and let her tell stories about her mama. That seemed to help her to just be able to talk about her. WE also wrote letters to her and sent her pictures. Sometimes we would work on a craft for her and talk about her when T would get sad. Her cries for mama became less frequent fairly quickly. the judge had ordered no visitation and it was simply a matter of time before rights would be terminated. Within a few weeks she decided to call me mama. This was fine until her sibs heard her 6 months later. They said all sorts of things then and she became very upset - missing her mama, angry at her mama, confused. I can't remember, does your 2 year old have an older sib in the home too? If so, I think that adds a different dimension, one that I apparently did not know how to handle well. I hope for the best for you and this little one.

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This message was originally posted by mom22many.

My son who is 9 still talks and wonders about the other kids who have left us. When baby J leaves after 18 months with us since birth it will be hard for us all but we have been talking about it alot over the past few months so that they always understand what will happen next and there will be no surprizes. I agree that you should make sure that kids all know you are pro family ( even when you are not as it makes it easier for them in the long run) All the kids feel better if they think you speak well of their families regardless of the situation or at least do not speak against them. Sometimes it is so hard not to but it is worth it in the long run. Although we wish we were keeping our baby J we tell everyone how lucky she will be to be able to grow up with her real sister especially when they are teens and hate the world as all teens do at some point including my own bios!!!

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This message was originally posted by jolean12.

I like the idea of drawing and things. She doesn't talk to well, she just turned 2 either Nov. or Dec. 21 (I'm getting 2 different answers). We also have her 8 y/o sister in our home and they are checking into a placement with their aunt but we don't know when that will be.
I do feel for you about Snoopy. We have been looking forward to the adoption of our now 7 month old and her brother since she came with us, now birthmom says that a cousin and an aunt have come forward saying that they were interested in taking the kids. Her brother, 'D' has been in care since he was about 6 months old and he is 2 1/2 and 'W' has been in care since birth. Where have these people been all their lives????

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This message was originally posted by mom22many.

I have a friend who has been fostering a baby since birth and she is 16 months almost ( 2 weeks behind my babyJ!) She just found out on Wed that next month they are sending the baby to live with paternal grama and Aunt. They were in the process of being looked at for adoption as trial for Crownwardship is next month and things were not looking good for bio mom. Now paternity has been proven and that family came forward and now she will be theirs. Needless to say they are pretty devastated right now that they will be losing her after all this time.

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This message was originally posted by hope4kids.

Relatives seem to like to come forward when it looks like tpr is actually going to happen. They also seem to like to show up once the child is out of diapers and a little more independent. I am right at that scary point with my little one. Grandma has started asking to see her and get some pictures. That does make me a bit nervous, but I think her medical needs would make them think twice before offering to parent her. Her medical needs are nothing to me now, just part of routine, but to read it on paper may scare folks off. I wish there were a time frame in which they needed to show up if they were truly interested in the children.

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This message was originally posted by megwing.

This is why we need faster severance laws. I fully understand that children should grow up within their biological families when that is a safe and healthy option for the children... But to tear a foster child from the only parents he or she has ever really known just so that they can be placed with relatives who just now decided to show up is criminal. It flies against everything that is known about child development and is just plain inhumane.

Megan

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This message was originally posted by bubbersmom.

There may be a bit of help for those of us who want to fight the system of children being yanked from the only homes they know to go to a relatives house that just now says OK.

There is a case that (unfortunately) I am very familiar with. A girl threw her newborn baby into a dumpster, and someone found her (thank God) alive. The girl and her boyfriend both obviously couldn't get the baby, so she went into foster care. The grandparents originally said "No, we are too worried about our own kids right now, so we can't take her". Then, 3 months later, after the birthfather permanently lost his rights, the grandparents suddenly said, "OK, we'll take her."

The courts denied the grandparent's rights. They said that because they originally said no, then their rights had been terminated. The judge said that the baby has bonded with the foster parents, and that pulling her would be detrimental to her. This couple (the grandparents) ended up taking it all the way to the Ohio Supreme Court, and even the OSC upheld the original judges ruling. They tried to get the US Supreme Court to hear it, but it was denied.

My dh and I plan on using this case law to help us when and if the time comes. Maybe the rest of you can use it as well. I really think that if the rest of the country knew of this problem, that there would be an outcry against the system for messing up kids just because some stranger who shares the same blood line as they shows up.

I feel like, as foster parents, we are used and abused by the system. They know that we love these kids, and don't want to rock the boat with them - because if we did, we could either lose our foster license, or our kids, whom we all love dearly. They know that we really can't fight them... maybe it's time that we all did stand up to this system.

Grr...

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This message was originally posted by pktull.

You wouldn't happen to have the reference for that case would you?

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This message was originally posted by bubbersmom.

I don't have the case number or anything like that, but I can tell you that the case is from Lucas County, Ohio. I may have been wrong about it going to the Ohio Supreme Court. I seem to remember now that the OSC refused to hear it.

This has all been "finalized" in the past couple of months. BTW, the last names of the parties involved: Wolfe and Nirdlinger.

Best of luck...