[evansmum]

My husband and I recently became foster parents. We've only had one weekend placement so far. We have a 3 y/o of our own to worry about as well.

We were offered a placement this morning (11 y/o boy), and we decided to turn it down. This child has a history of theft, violence, he's defiant, he HAS tried to injure other children, he has horrible temper tantrums (he's almost MY size), has a history of running away, possible undiagnosed ODD.

I feel horrible for turning the placement down, even after hearing all the history. The placement is a weekend relief, with the option of permanent "every other weekend" relief or a full-time placement.

Evan is three; he's very susceptible to the behaviour of other children right now. I am just not comfortable bringing B around Evan at this point. Evan is our child, and he HAS to be our first priority.

It still doesn't make me feel better, even if I justify it until I'm blue in the face. I still feel that we became foster parents, we knew that we'd get placements like this. I guess I just thought they'd let us "get our feet wet" before they threw something like this at us. It's not even in our age range either.

I guess I just need some reassurance that we did the right thing. Even though I KNOW in my head that we did, my heart still hurts for this child. Does it ever get easier when you have to turn down placements, or does it always hurt that you can't "save them all"???

Thanks if you actually read my rambling...... any advice from those who've been there?????

Meghan

[Georgia Mom]

Your heart hurts for this boy because you are a caring person who wants to help kids like him. However, your first responsibility is to your 3 year old. DO NOT feel guilty for that! Hurt children are sometimes dangerous. A very sad fact, but a reality. Possibly, if you did not have a young child in your home, you could consider fostering older children with unstable histories. But you do, and so you are TOTALLY right to set limits on the ages and behaviors you are willing to expose your little one to or deal with yourself. Keep that caring heart, and stay firm on your parameters. There will be other children. And sadly, no, we can't save them all. You do what you can. I wish there were more of you out there. Best wishes on this journey.

[Jensboys]

Hi ... I understand. We have recently ended our term of fostering a 13 year old girl - A child I know and love, and child I desperately wanted to help. I also have four boys of my own - ages 7,6,5 and 1 (two bio, two adopted) . I spent the whole time working with her - pouring my heart and soul into her, desperately trying to "save" her from the path she was on (drugs, dropout, boys etc). My kids lost out - my marriage lost out and mostly I lost out. She gained alot but at what expense and in the end we had to let her go. We talked to the boys again about taking in another child, our 6 year olds response (and this about a child they used to adore and idolize) "Well as long as its not A. - You were ALWAYS dealing with her and you could never deal with me" I dont know if I could undo if I would because I dont know if I could of lived with myself if I hadnt of tried but if I were to be asked again I would say no. My kids are my "ministry" they are only this little, this young and this MINE for a very short period of time - I have now vowed to treasure that time. I will save the world when they are a little bit more grown.

[Tori Koubek]

Only take what you think is rright for your family as hard as it is your home and family come first and you have to think of them. I know I've been there as a foster mom myself.

[Bcelli]

You did the right thing, Meghan. Evan has to come first. We're in the process of adopting another child - perhaps a young toddler, and with the prospect of that, I have to consider how another child might affect my 4-year-old. While we were open to much before we brought Clay home, we can no longer be that open out of consideration for what is best for him. When you have a giving and loving heart, it's difficult to say no to anyone, especially an 11-year-old in need of love, support, comfort, security and understanding. How do you turn a child away who is so in need? You do it knowing the right situation for him is with another family, one who does not have the possible obstacles to his development a younger child in the home might present. So it's not JUST about what's right for Evan, but for the other boy as well. God bless.

[Tigger]

You did the right thing. You always have to think of your own family first. We have our license set right now for 3 years old and under because we have small kids. I won't take the chance of having my kids influenced or injured. Most of the kids we've had here are non-violent, their problems came out in other ways. The problem is, you don't know at the get go who will be and who won't. To save ourself the heartache or wanting to help when we know it might damage our own family, we set our limits, and we stick to them.

[daisyd]

Hi I'm kind of new to this board, but I post alot on a different site. The common rule there is only take kids under the age of your bios. I know we want to take every kid that comes into the system, but we can't for their sake and ours. We are only good to the child when the situation is a match. I know I had a sibling group of 4 that my caseworker and every other in the county called and asked about. I was the only home in the county to house all of them. My hubby and I draw the line at 2 FT and 1 poss. respite at a time. If I would have taken those kids we would have just ended up pulling out our hair and distrupting their life when fate finally kicked us in the butt and said you're crazy,lol ! By the way we are only 22 yo and don't have any kids so that would be a huge jump. Anyways, that's my 2 cents. Good luck! ~ daisyd

[evansmum]

Guess what??? It's kind of good that we didn't take B when they asked us.

We are now the proud "foster parents" of a beautiful 16 month old angel. He came last night. We had been called about him a few weeks ago, but the worker decided not to apprehend at that time. They ended up removing him yesterday.

Boy oh boy, at 4am I was wondering what in hell I was thinking becoming a foster parent.... he screamed and screamed. He's got an ear infection and a pretty bad diaper rash. He's fine now (actually napping - we got up at 6), and once he cracked the first smile, the giggles came soon after.

Wish us luck. Court is today, and the cw thinks the family will bring plan after plan to get him back. We may only have him until tonight..... It also may get remanded until Monday. Don't know.

Will keep you posted.

Meghan

[Pat laPier]

I have been a foster parent for 19 years fostering roughly 700 children. I was reading through all the comments that have been made to you and I agree you need to take care of your family first but the one thing everyone seemed to miss is.........the agency you are working for! Being brand new and having a 3 year old child of your own, they should have never considered you for a child with behaviors like that. They should be watching out for you and placing a better "match".
Do't ever feel bad about refusing a placement.......it happens everyday.
When and if this little guy leaves, you may feel heart broken. That too is normal but you have to learn to look at it this way. While you have a child in your care, you do everything you can for them and with luck they will learn something from that. Or if they are very little, they will feel the comfort you gave them. If that happens, you have done a "great job" and need to give to another child. Saying good bye isn't easy ever, but knowing you have helped a child, makes it easier.
Good luck to you!

Pat

[JENNI]

I felt a lot of guilt after refusing my first few placement calls, but then I decided to pray for them. I can't take them all, and some end up with different agencies. What I can do is remember them in prayer.