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  #1  
Old 06-22-2013, 08:10 PM
TemporaryMom TemporaryMom is offline
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So Bizarre - Clothing and Relative Visits

So, those of you along for the ride with Blue Eyes knows that he is allowed to visit his siblings/grandma (diff dads) and his great aunt with whom he lived before me, any time they want. They have been very flexible and considerate to me and limited it to once a month. (The only reason it is a drag is they both live almost an hour from me so even meeting half way is almost 30 minutes, sometimes longer with traffic.)

So, every single time he goes to the overnight visit I pack 2x the needed clothes. Recently, our temps have been fluctuating immensely from day-to-day so I would pack a "warm" out fit and a "cool" outfit. I always pack extra undies and pants in case of accidents. And of course, a pair of pajammies.

Well, every single time I pick him up, he comes home in clothes that I did not send! Now, with his Auntie, I can almost see because I know that she got a voucher for him and based on the "new" 18month clothes she has passed on to me (a couple of items) I know she didn't use all of the clothes for him. (This is the same relative that never sent any of his clothes.)

So today, I pick him up from grandma. First, he was sound asleep. I mean DEAD TO THE WORLD asleep. That tells me that he not only did NOT get a nap but he played really hard. Seriously, he slept the entire 30 minutes home and I was starting to wonder if he had been drugged. It was 7pm but still.

But the thing that most concerned me, was that he was in pajammies. Now, I knew that since we confirmed meeting place on the phone and Gma asked if it is ok for him to be in pajammies. What I expected was to see him in the summer pajammies I sent for him. What did he come home in? A footed, blanket sleeper! You know, those fleece like kind that are soft. Did I mention that it was 90˚ today???

And, both times with his great aunt it was the same thing. One day it was 80˚ and he came home in shorts, a long sleeved shirt, and a long sleeve jacket. Now, we keep it pretty chilly here and the only time he has complained about being cold was one day last week in bed, but his bed is over the air vent. So I covered up his air vent with a cover I bought, but am going to move his bed around anyway. The point is, after 5.5 months, his body has likely acclimated to the temperature here, so being dressed like that had him sweating.

I just don't understand it. I can see where they might want to buy him clothes, but these aren't new clothes he comes home in. Often they are wrong size, and stained. And the clothes I send him in stay perfectly folded in his bag. I don't want to sound ungrateful for the help, but it is a PIA to keep track of clothes that they sent, and you know we have to do that and send them back with them, as long as they still fit, when they leave.

So, what is up with this behavior? Do they know realize that it is almost insulting to me as if to say the clothes I send aren't good enough?
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  #2  
Old 06-22-2013, 08:29 PM
luvbeingamom luvbeingamom is offline
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OK confession time. My first placement, a relative had been placed with a concurrent family. We came forward IMMEDIATELY when we found out about 4-5 days from the day my FFD was taken into care. I know now I made massive mistakes but it was my inexperience that caused me to do it...

When I had an overnight, she woke at 3AM!!! I wasn't firm with her to put her back to bed. I sat and cuddled with her. Foster mom called me at 9:30 because she fell asleep on her couch....

I'll be honest it was disconcerting to me to go to their home and see my relative run into the foster dad's arms yelling daddy!!! After a few weeks...well when she had overnights with us she wore our clothes. We sent back the teddy bear she sent. (However, they were nice clothes not stained) I guess we were "claiming" her before we should have. Now I know we should have took that teddy bear and dressed her in the clothes she was used to.

We sent clothes and gifts and foster mom explained the pain keeping track of everything. She kept everything aside in bags until she transferred. Total rookie move. She was only there 5-6 weeks.

Thankfully, the foster parents and I have become friends and we now understand each other. I became a straight foster parent and totally get their point of view. They have seen me parent my relatives and protect them and realize I was just a newbie.

Hopefully, BE relatives are like me. Well meaning, but totally na´ve.
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  #3  
Old 06-23-2013, 10:01 AM
irq11 irq11 is offline
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Obviously the clothes you sent were so ugly she couldn't bear to use them.

Okay, maybe not. How cold do they keep the house? I have a sister who keeps her house freezing, and her kids are often in blanket sleepers in July when it's 95 degrees out. So Grandma might have just been short-sighted and dressed him for her house.

BE might be the type who can't/won't nap very well in a "different" environment than what he's currently used to, so maybe they tried to get him to nap and he was too wound up to do it.

personally I'd tell them that while you appreciate the clothes you are required to keep everything catalogued and it would be easier for you if they just used the clothes you sent.

Also, BE is like 2.5, right? That is old enough that he might have picked out the clothes himself and Grandma didn't think it was a battle worth fighting. My son LOVES "footie pajamas" and he would totally wear them in 90-degree heat if I let him.

I would agree with luvbeingamom that they are probably doing it with good intentions ... try not to let it annoy you too much. Easier said than done, I know.
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  #4  
Old 06-23-2013, 11:02 AM
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CRAZY_WOMAN CRAZY_WOMAN is offline
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Is she keeping the clothes you send with him? Is she is, she could be trying to get clothes for when he RU. I would just puck the clothes she sends you.
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  #5  
Old 06-23-2013, 12:33 PM
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I have had this happen-- with parents. I send clean well fitting seasonally appropriate clothes, and they come home in ill fitting non seasonal clothes and the clothes I sent are no where to be seen.

I can't take the steady loss of clothing- so I just wash and send back on the next visit the clothes they came home in-- and try not to pack much. I wouldn't say let him wear something sizes to tight- but if it is not awful....


It is really strange- I totally have never been able to figure it out.
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  #6  
Old 06-23-2013, 01:17 PM
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The clothes part is confusing to me. I dress our boys in warm pjs because we keep the house really cold.
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  #7  
Old 06-23-2013, 03:19 PM
TemporaryMom TemporaryMom is offline
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No, they aren't keeping the clothes I send. I am not really annoyed by it just curious as to why they do it. And I kep my home chilly too but he wasn't at home. He was in a car that even with AC full blast in 90* weather, it was too warm. He was sweating by the time we got home. Just odd.
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  #8  
Old 06-23-2013, 04:00 PM
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CRAZY_WOMAN CRAZY_WOMAN is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TemporaryMom
No, they aren't keeping the clothes I send. I am not really annoyed by it just curious as to why they do it. And I kep my home chilly too but he wasn't at home. He was in a car that even with AC full blast in 90* weather, it was too warm. He was sweating by the time we got home. Just odd.
At least they're not keeping the clothes. Some bio's put nasty clothes on their kids, that are way to small, then take the good clothes. I have know idea why they would put warm PJs on, when its so hot.
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  #9  
Old 06-23-2013, 04:06 PM
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Maybe they have stuff for him to use at their house, and find it easier to use that stuff than to have to keep track of your stuff? Like if they unpack him and then forget to put something back in, they think they'll get in trouble for "stealing" your clothes? Who knows, but I wouldn't take offense. I'd be glad they're not just keeping everything you send so that you have to keep buying new stuff in between visits!
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  #10  
Old 06-23-2013, 07:53 PM
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I have a birth mom who keeps sending blankets home from visits. I think I have 8-9 now.
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  #11  
Old 06-23-2013, 08:09 PM
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Loving4ward Loving4ward is offline
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Peanuts mom would change him at the beginning of a 2 hour visit into clothes she brought him...then change him back into my clothes at the end of the visit.

From the supervisor, I was aware that the clothes were the completely wrong size and usually out of season. This drove me crazy because the didn't have utilities which means they didn't smell great AND who knows what was on the clothes. This particularly bothered me once I found out mom had lice. Luckily he never brought them home.
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  #12  
Old 06-23-2013, 08:11 PM
katiejack katiejack is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by A.S.
I have had this happen-- with parents. I send clean well fitting seasonally appropriate clothes, and they come home in ill fitting non seasonal clothes and the clothes I sent are no where to be seen.

I can't take the steady loss of clothing- so I just wash and send back on the next visit the clothes they came home in-- and try not to pack much. I wouldn't say let him wear something sizes to tight- but if it is not awful....


It is really strange- I totally have never been able to figure it out.

I too, have done this many, many times. The bios were happy that I was using the clothes that they sent them back in. The bio clothes were only used for visits though...
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  #13  
Old 06-23-2013, 11:58 PM
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My first FD would come home in a different outfit almost every visit she went on. It would drive me crazy. She'd come home with blankets and toys, too. Someone told me that is the bio's way of getting you off of their kids. I finally just started sending her in the clothes the family sent.
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  #14  
Old 06-24-2013, 10:20 AM
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If they seem nice enough to you in person and are respectful of your schedule, etc., then I wouldn't think that they are trying to insult you by not using the clothes you send. It could be that putting the clothes they have on him make them feel more like he is still in their care...in a sense.

However, I totally understand where you are coming from with trying to keep track of the clothes they send and trying to make sure they go back to them at the next visit. Its a pain in the @ss trying to keep the clothes seperate and if you forget to send something of their's back, there always that thought of them calling and saying "hey, where's those PJs I sent back with him"...or"we want these shoes or that shirt back..where are they?

This post hits home for me because biomom and I got into it this weekend over some stupid shoes she gave us for the boys over 4 months ago. I told her in the very beginning..."don't give us anything you want back". This reminds me..I need to put up an update post on our crazy case.
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  #15  
Old 06-24-2013, 10:42 AM
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80smusiclover 80smusiclover is offline
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please do, Boys..been waiting for an update from ya
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