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  #1  
Old 01-24-2013, 04:23 PM
ubringmejoy ubringmejoy is offline
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Post 30 Single Male Adoption IL

Hello all. So glad i found this forum spent the past 2 days going thru old threads gathering information to help me on my journey towards adopting. Here is a little info on me. I'm 30 yrs old single Male and from Illinois. I'm looking to adopt not foster kids ages 8 and up preferably teens, would consider a sibling group. I'm more then likely going to go thru my local DCFS office to adopt. I know that their are a lot of drawbacks when considering older children but i think those cases are the ones who would best benefit from what i have to offer. A lot of people have written these kids off and haven't really taken the time and truly look at what they've been thru or even listen to their stories. I love the idea of being a older brother/father figure and at the same time provide structure, discipline and support.

I'm also considering adopting at least 1 child from another state, would i have to go thru a private agency or can i talk with my local CW about this?

i'm looking to start this process in June 2013 so i'm getting everything together now. How long will it take before i get my license and can start placement?
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  #2  
Old 01-24-2013, 04:38 PM
preacherjt preacherjt is offline
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Welcome to the forum. You will find it very helpful along your journey. I know I have.

Typically, unless you are the relative of the children from another state, or you have to have adopted relatives of the children, in order for your local dfps office to take care of the case. Otherwise, you will need to work with a private agency.

I will also say that I have met a handful of people who have loved working with teenagers, and another handful of people who were shattered by the issues they brought. It really just depends on the kid and the case. I applaud you for your desire.
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  #3  
Old 01-24-2013, 06:38 PM
ubringmejoy ubringmejoy is offline
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Thank u @ preacherjt i appreciate that. I'm starting this process with a open mind and at the sametime, anticipating that most of my road blocks i foresee will come from social services in some form or another *sigh*
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  #4  
Old 01-24-2013, 07:01 PM
TemporaryMom TemporaryMom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ubringmejoy
Thank u @ preacherjt i appreciate that. I'm starting this process with a open mind and at the sametime, anticipating that most of my road blocks i foresee will come from social services in some form or another *sigh*
I admire your desire and understand it. When I started this journey almost ten years ago, my initial interest was older children too. Until I did the research. And I will caution you on this. Being a single parent is HARD. there is nobody else to take turns leaving work for a sick child, or staying at home with them. In your mind, you see these poor kids who have been written off. Of course some good love, structure, and discipline can cure them. I feel it, I thought the same.

The reality. There are some kids out there that fit that mold, BUT I'd hazard a strong prediction that there are far more who have issues so deep that they may never overcome them. There are kids who have behaviors so bad that they are a danger. There are kids who will get kicked out of school, sent home, you'll be called from work, regularly. And do know, many of these issues will be downplayed.

It s hard being a single parent to little tots with few behaviors. But to be a single parent to older kids requires a huge and strong support group. Look at yesterday's threads from HRISME about a friend who just became a single dad to six kids, three of them teens with drama.

I work in IT but as flexible as my schedule can be, I couldn't take the chance of losing my job if I got a problematic teen.

As for process, it varies from 3-6 months for training and licensing from what I have seen on here. And you may be able to inquire on an out of state child. You agency will forward your homestudy and then everything else goes through the child's state.

Good luck on your endeavors. Set firm boundaries for yourself and know your limitations.
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  #5  
Old 01-24-2013, 07:31 PM
just-breathe just-breathe is offline
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Do a member search for someone named Indy. He is a single father to 10 adopted sons. Read his posts.
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  #6  
Old 01-24-2013, 07:39 PM
singingmommy singingmommy is offline
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I am a foster parent in IL. You will have to take 27 hours of PRIDE classes. You will need to get fingerprinted and background checked. Those are taking 3-6 months to come back I have heard (it was about 8 weeks when I did it a little over a year ago).

The paper work is not too bad-- you will need a doctor to fill out a form.

Also, I don't know where you are, but in my area, most do not work directly with DCFS--the private agencies do a lot but they say there is no difference in type or number of cases.

I don't know about straight adoption. I would check out the Adoption Information Center of Illinois (site) if you have not already.
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  #7  
Old 01-24-2013, 07:59 PM
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2Mamas2loveU 2Mamas2loveU is offline
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Hmm, just one little thought to add if I may: you said you look forward to being an older brother/father figure. If you adopt, you will be a father. Not a father figure, not an older brother. A father. Even if you adopt a 17 year old, you will legally be his father. Has that settled in?
Have you ever worked with at-risk youth? Since you have some time, you could try getting your feet wet with the Big Brother/Big Sister program first.
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  #8  
Old 01-24-2013, 09:21 PM
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MamaPenny MamaPenny is offline
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I agree that your intentions sound very nice but you sound naive about what will happen with adopted kiddos, especially older ones.

PP makes an excellent point that if you adopt a child, even one on the verge of adulthood, you will not be their "big brother." You will be their father, with all that entails. These kids are not looking for a friend or buddy. Also, remember that a parent is a parent for life, not until the child turns 18, and that is probably even more true for older, adopted kids. Most of them will not be ready to live on their own at 18. Some will never live on their own because of developmental or medical issues.

Excellent advice that if you have not had experience with at-risk youth, Big Brothers/Big Sisters is probably where you want to start.

Remember that older kids who are available for adoption were not created in a vacuum, and they weren't in a functional, happy family last week and now just waiting around for someone to hang out with. They have likely been in the system most of their lives, some have been in horrendous family situations, multiple foster or adoptive placements, bounced back and forth to bio parents and possibly other relatives, or in group homes. Online photolistings are usually the "end of the road" for these kids.

You will want to learn to decipher the things that are stated in descriptions of kids: "would do best in a home with no younger children" means they are violent or sexually violent with little kids, for instance. "Acts younger than her age" doesn't mean a kid is fun-loving or silly, but that they have a serious developmental issue.

Do the PRIDE training, and talk to experienced adoptive parents if you can. But don't go in "blind" or you will end up heartbroken.
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  #9  
Old 01-24-2013, 09:28 PM
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Sheena85 Sheena85 is offline
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I am an experienced single foster mom. I have taken a lot of older kiddos up to 17. I also have 3 adopted kiddos. Feel free to PM if you like.

Older kids are tough, many nights were they have had to go to the hospital due to being out of control and going STRAIGHT to work after on no sleep. One girl smashed out window of my ex gfs car, runners, drug history/smoking, aggression.

I have taken teens from RTCs and from Jail...
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  #10  
Old 01-25-2013, 08:37 AM
ubringmejoy ubringmejoy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2Mamas2loveU
Hmm, just one little thought to add if I may: you said you look forward to being an older brother/father figure. If you adopt, you will be a father. Not a father figure, not an older brother. A father. Even if you adopt a 17 year old, you will legally be his father. Has that settled in?
Have you ever worked with at-risk youth? Since you have some time, you could try getting your feet wet with the Big Brother/Big Sister program first.


it's people like you who shouldn't be on forums like this giving advice, because you are so negative, every message before yours was very encouraging and positive, which is the type of energy i would expect from a person or persons who are adopting or fostering children. Let me be clear i know these kids have issues, their parents fell them, the system has fell them and in MOST cases the foster parents have fell them as well. What you need to understand is what these CHILDREN (because that's what they are) have been expose to, they wasn't born angry, violent, smoking or abusive their circumstances made them that way. And to scrutinized my referencing of a big brother/father relationship, you don't know me, anybody who knows me know that i command respect, walk and talk with authority so it wouldn't be any misunderstanding as to who the ADULT is in MY house.
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  #11  
Old 01-25-2013, 08:40 AM
ubringmejoy ubringmejoy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by just-breathe
Do a member search for someone named Indy. He is a single father to 10 adopted sons. Read his posts.


Hey buddy looking him up now, thanks
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  #12  
Old 01-25-2013, 08:52 AM
mythreesonsjmo mythreesonsjmo is offline
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You are being a bit uppity for being someone with no experience. They are giving honest, experienced advice. You don't have to like it, but it doesn't make it less true. The kids do need help, they do need a family, but sometimes they don't want one and they aren't going to be grateful and thankful (not most) to you for taking them in. They are going to see you as another stepping stone to whatever is next. Don't get down on people giving you real advice. They aren't telling you not to do it, they are urging you to make sure you are thinking about it from all sides, do your research and understand it isn't going to be a merry-go-round ride.
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  #13  
Old 01-25-2013, 08:57 AM
single1967 single1967 is offline
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ubringmejoy....You do bring me joy to know that there are 30 year old single men out there wanting to do such a brave, generous, heroic, and life-saving undertaking (there aren't many of you, I guarantee). You are my hero. I applaud you, and I respect you. The PRIDE classes will give you all the information you need to make an educated, well-informed decision. Lots of people in my life think I'm crazy to be a single mom wanting to foster. Don't let the negativity get to you!
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  #14  
Old 01-25-2013, 09:18 AM
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controllnmychaos controllnmychaos is offline
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I just wanted to say more power to you. Bold move to jump into the deep end head first. If you haven't talked with your agency of choice yet, I suggest you do that ASAP. This board is full of foster parents that have BTDT and if they are giving you warnings you should not be so quick to brush them off. Only as foster parents, we are not responsible for the damage the kids can cause. And it is a lot easier to get them help. Straight adoption, it is mostly on you.

You aren't hearing anything you won't hear in the PRIDE/MAPP classes. They are brutal but honest. Mostly to weed out the ones who aren't prepared. Our MAPP class only had two or three out of a dozen to actually finish. I wish you the best of luck and hope you end up a success story.
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  #15  
Old 01-25-2013, 09:19 AM
ubringmejoy ubringmejoy is offline
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@MYTHREESONS I didn't come on this forum to receive parenting advice that's first off, secondly what constitute experience in your book? The truth of the matter is I refuse to subscribe to BS and stereotyping that exist when it comes to this group of "kids" I'm not suggesting that their aren't real challenges ahead, i welcome them, i acknowledge them. Sometimes people come on these forums and over step their boundaries on certain issues, this isn't a debate i'm going to get into, i'm very clear on the age group i'm comfortable with adopting.
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