[birdiebabee]

Does any one have, or know anyone that has, a child with a gender disorder? There are so many 'labels' for it so I won't even get into those. In a nutshell our 8 year old (extremely bright) son told us last week through tears, that he feels like a girl stuck in a boy's body. He said he has felt this way sine he was with his birth parents (removed at 4 years old). He never told us, or anyone, because he was afraid people would laugh at him. He has been sneaking his sister's clothes to wear when he's in the bathroom or when he gets up before anyone else. He said he is tired of hiding it and wants to dress like a girl every day inside and outside the home. I know everyone has their opinions on what should and shouldn't be done in this situation and I'm not looking to get flamed so please don't. We want to be supportive of him but at the same time we want to protect him from the cruel world. I am curious if anyone has had this personal experience before?? We have an appointment next week with a psychologist that specializes in this area. In the mean time I am struggling to keep a smile on my child's face, tears out of his eyes, and hope in his heart.....all at the same time while my husband and myself lose a piece of our son day by day. On the other hand...I have never seen him happier in the 4 years that I've been his mommy.

[Justmyhumbleopinion]

My daughter was like this. She never said that she felt like a boy, but she was such a tomboy that she wanted her hair cut very short and she wore boys clothes. Everyone thought she was a boy everywhere we went. She started at about 4 years old.

Well, I always supported her and let her have control of that, and now she is 13 and she has grown out of it. She still wears basketball shorts, but she paints her nails, straightens her hair and tweezes her eye brows. And she is VERY comfortable with herself. A Very confident high achiever.

I think that allowing him to be "himself" and loving him anyway will show him that he has value apart from anything he wears or does, and people who love him just the way he are worthy of his company, and those who don't, aren't.

People were mean to my daughter including her classmates and we always reassured her that we loved her no matter what, and those people were the ones with the problem.

I would do it all over again if given the chance. I am glad we did not try to discourage it. Even if she did not grow out of it, I would still support her.

[birdiebabee]

Originally Posted by Justmyhumbleopinion

My daughter was like this. She never said that she felt like a boy, but she was such a tomboy that she wanted her hair cut very short and she wore boys clothes. Everyone thought she was a boy everywhere we went. She started at about 4 years old.

Well, I always supported her and let her have control of that, and now she is 13 and she has grown out of it. She still wears basketball shorts, but she paints her nails, straightens her hair and tweezes her eye brows. And she is VERY comfortable with herself. A Very confident high achiever.

I think that allowing him to be "himself" and loving him anyway will show him that he has value apart from anything he wears or does, and people who love him just the way he are worthy of his company, and those who don't, aren't.

People were mean to my daughter including her classmates and we always reassured her that we loved her no matter what, and those people were the ones with the problem.

I would do it all over again if given the chance. I am glad we did not try to discourage it. Even if she did not grow out of it, I would still support her.

Thank you for this reply. We always thought he had feminine ways to him and feel bad for saying things to him that we now know truly hurt his feeling. He actually told me he is sad that he has boy parts. When living with his birth parents his bio father beat him with a belt because he put his sister's dress on and sat like a "lady". He knows he is physically a boy but feels like a girl he says. He told us all of this and came out to us with this on a Monday....by Tuesday he wanted everything changed. It was apparent he has thought this out for a very long time. Right away he moved his toothbrush to the 'girls' toothbrush holder. He told me he always wished and prayed he would get girl toys for Christmas but he never did. He said he always said he liked boy toys (transformers, Cars,etc) because if he didn't then he wouldn't get any toys and he would rather have boy toys than no toys at all. This has all come down on us SO fast that it's so much to take in. While it seems very easy to him at this point because he feels relieved to have his secret out and feel supported. Our other kiddos support him as well and our STBAD(7) thinks it's cool to have someone close in age to play girl stuff with. The kids are all taking this better than we are! Right now we have 'agreed' not to dress up for school until we see the therapist. At home as soon as he walks in the door he transforms on his own. And not that we won't ever let him go to school however he wants, but we don't know how to approach it. How to approach the school and the bullies and the district. We live in a city where it is not accepted and while I don't care what other people think I want my son to be SAFE. He is 8 but the size of a 5 year old. The school has not done anything to protect him from being bullied for his size up to this point what will they do to protect him now?? We need advice! Thanks for letting me vent everyone.

[2Mamas2loveU]

I'm so impressed with your parenting! Honestly, I'm sitting here thinking what a great mom you are and hoping I react with as much love and support if my kids ever shock the heck out of me someday!
I'm reminded of a story that was on the show Our America with Lisa Ling about a boy with the same situation. Maybe you could check google or YouTube and find it. There is also a book I heard of called My Princess Boy written by a mom with a son with these feelings.
As a child, I grew up in a family with very strong conservative Christian values. I, too, hold these values very dear to my heart and believe whole-heartedly in Jesus.... BUT when I finally admitted to myself and then to my family that I am a lesbian, it was not received well AT ALL. Still problems to this day, in fact. So IMHO the best thing you can do right now is keep telling your son you love him, you are not disappointed in him, you will always be his mom, etc. He will need you more than ever.

[carmen90]

I think you are doing really well so far

Obviously this was a real shock, but by validating his feelings and letting him be himself at home, you've really reacted very well. Great job, mum!!

Whether he is or isn't transgender, supporting him to be whoever he wants right now is IMHO the best thing you can do. Talking to a psychologist/counsellor will hopefully be helpful

However, this must be very hard on you. I remember it was hard on my parents when I told them I am lesbian. If he is transgender, it is entirely okay to grieve for the son you thought you had, and grieve for the future you envisaged for him as a boy/man. Don't feel guilty for that, it's natural. This is a hard time, but i feel if you can get through a natural grieving process, you may be able to not only say goodbye to a son, but to welcome a daughter. My mother grieved for the future she had always seen for me, complete with a husband, white wedding and being at the hospital to welcome grandbabies. And I totally respect she needed to do that. But whilst it caused her pain, she has also been able to welcome my girlfriends and partners wholeheatedly, and also welcome her (adoptive) grandchildren and love them. I think her great sadness now is that I am single, and she would far rather i had a partner

I am glad your boy seems much happier now. Whether he really is transgender or just an effeminate man, or whether he will start feeling happier being a boy later, I am glad to hear how supportive his family are Having met so many peple who have suffered just as your boy did at the hands of his birth father, it makes me very happy to hear of loving and accepting families. He will probably need you all very much later in adolescence and adulthood. It is a hard world and transgender people have it especially hard

Hang in there. Maybe you would like to talk to a counsellor yourself?

[MotherDuck]

I don't have a lot to add. I agree with the other posters that you seem to be doing all the right things. One idea that may or may not work for you- if he does present himself as a girl in the future, it might be worth changing schools if possible. If there are other elementary schools in your district, it might be worthwhile to investigate if she could start fresh as a girl if that is supported by everyone. The good news is that there is info out about this issue. ten or twenty years ago, this is not something that was discussed much and today there seem to be people willing to talk and professionals willing to help.

[b12]

Thank you for being so kind and accepting to your son!

As others have said, it may be a phase or it could be true GID. It sounds like the latter, based on your description, but it might not be. I've known several gay men who wanted to be girls as children but eventually reached peace with being a very effeminate man instead. There are also perfectly normal boys who go through a "girly" period. So don't jump to conclusions right away.

You're doing the right thing by taking him to a psychologist. You might also want to schedule an appointment with a pediatrician who specialized in kids with GID. (I believe they are called pediatric endocrinologists, but I'm not sure.)

Also, as MD said, if does transition, do it in a new school where she will be a girl from the start. Your district may not want to do this, but well, the threat of calling an attorney can often work wonders.

Again, thanks for being so loving and accepting of your child. I would have had a much easier time accepting being a lesbian if my parents had been like yours.

[azpingu]

No advice here, just wanted to say that you are kind and loving and I can't think of a better way to handle this.

[Wodemom]

Re: Bullying - Is homeschooling an option for you? It looks like it's not heavily regulated in your state.
HSLDA | Home School Organizations

I'm biased - I homeschool because I don't have confidence in the academic rigor of our school system. I would have even less confidence in the system's ability to stop specific cases of bullying.

[farmchick]

It sounds like you a doing a perfect job loving and accepting him and helping him explore this. I would add that you should emphasize that other kids feel this way too, and that that's ok. You can teach him the names for different ways of thinking about this, but also emphasize that 8 years old is too early to decide what this means to him - that there's plenty of time to do this.

Also point out that there are a lot of ways to "be a girl" - note the range of gender expressions out there among the girls you know. If you are concerned about safety for him, definitely talk to the school and his teachers, but you might also suggest that he can wear dresses and stronger girl expressing clothes, and androgynous clothes at school so he won't be pressured - and point out that those are also REAL girl clothes.

I would also talk to his CW about what's going on, and have them back you if there is likely to be birth family repercussions - you may need to do some education if the CW doesn't know about this, so you might want some references to give to teachers, principal, CW.

I would buy girl toys, encourage him to explore his expressions of girlness, and talk to the other kids about how this is a normal thing so he has a wholly supportive environment at home. Things like the toothbrush may be very important to him - try and find as many of those places where he can feel really good about his new role, and most of all, encourage him to talk to you about it.

If this continues, you may be able to find someone through your local LGBT resource center to help him know that other people have gone through this before, but again, this is less about identity than supporting him.

Congratulations - you have a brave little boy and he has great parents!

[RhondaBear]

I'm dealing with this from a whole different angle with my biodaughter. She's as girly as can be, but some physical differences are leading to testing that may indicate she's actually xy genetically, or some other mixed variation (maybe with three chromosomes?), so I may have to tell a kid just entering the teen years that she's really a he. Or a she with he DNA. And needs surgery for health reasons to deal with it. This is going to blow her mind, sadly, so I've been avoiding mentioning that possibility until we know it to be fact and am researching like crazy.

I'd recommend getting testing on hormone levels and whatever else can be tested. Some experts see GID in anybody with these symptoms whene it can be something physical, like a hormone imbalance, or genetic, like being xxy. I really want to know exactly what is going on with my daughter so we're not treating something that isn't there or ignoring a physical problem, since some of these hormone issues can cause real health issues down the line. Since he's adopted, I would try to find a counselor who can tease apart the gender issues from whatever other issues may be there It could be that masculinity was expressed in very negative ways in his birth home, leading him to identify with more positive female role models. Basically, thinking that men are scary and mean, so he can't be one of them. Of course, he could have GID, but other possibilities are equally valid and hopefully a good therapist and good docs can figure that puzzle out.

In the meantime it's great that he knows he's loved, however this turns out. That alone has to relieve a lot of the stress of the situation for him.

[3rdGenFosterDad]

First of all, you are doing an amazing job with this. It's overwhelming and not something you were expecting, but it's totally "manageable" for lack of a better word. There are so many resources for you and your family that can help make this easier. Is there a college near you? They typically have the best LGBT resource centers and can provide you will books, counselors, kids books etc. Try to also remember that children are much more accepting than we adults are. Typically, it'll be the parents and adults you'll have the most issue with.

Here are some resources for you. Additionally, I will PM you.

Resources for Gender-Nonconforming Children and Trans-Identified and Questioning Youth - Safe Schools Coalition

Resources for Parents of Transgender Children :: UR Counseling Center

Home

[wcurry66]

Adding to the WTG posts.

I don't know kids going through this 9well, I know an 18 year old going through this, but no minors currently), but i do know adults who went through this as a child. If you'd like a contact, feel free to pm me

[msgypsylee]

Bravo to you and your family for supporting this child.

My neice's best friend in HS was a gay boy. He was always out and his parents supported him from the time he was a little boy when he first told them of his feelings. He was well liked and got along well with mostly everyone in school. Even still he was always a little sad. It wasn't till after HS that he revealed his true self as Gabrielle. Even as open as he was about being gay, he could never bring himself to admit to anyone he wasn't really gay but transgendered. He was afraid. Now that he's made his transformation he is so happy. Looking at her now it seems so obvious that she was female all along, even before her outsides matched her insides.

Its wonderful that this child has you for a family.

[Mama2Gia]

I love this thread. I too think you are doing an amazing job and that your child will be OK no matter which way it turns out because they have a supportive and loving family!

I didn't come out until I was in my 20s but I never really had any "fear" and it was easily accepted by my mom and brother and just a little less so by my dad. I think when my girls are older I would love to foster an older child struggling with the same issues your son is. My ex is a child psychologist and this topic facinates us both. I don't wish for my daughters to be gay, transgendered or basically ANYTHING that is still negatively looked upon by society but if they are ROCK ON.

It's kinda weird because when we started fostering we were very very gender neutral. Somewhat because we had no idea what gender child we would get but also because we wanted our kids to at least start out not seeing gender. It didn't last long. Mostly because it is so darn hard to find gender neutral clothes but also because it is so fun to dress them in cute gender specific things. But I have 2 girls. They wear boys and girls clothes. My oldest loves her boy boxer brief underwear and doesn't care that they are for boys. They both loves girl AND boy toys. I don't care what they want to wear or what they want to play- I am just on a mission to make them as strong, confident and independent to be as brave as your son and be who they want to be. GO YOU and your son!!

Much love!!