[2012FP]

Okay, so I get it... my FD absolutely loves her mommy and misses her dearly and I truly am glad. BUT (and here's the vent) there are some days (like today) when my patience gets stretched soooo thin and I wonder what kind of person I really am (meaning should I be better than what I'm really thinking but not saying?).

If I hear one more comment about what her mommy did, in comparison to me or what I'm doing (but something I absolutely know is NOT true), I'm afraid I'll wheel around and spout off what I know her mommy has REALLY done and not done.

Okay, I know it sounds mean even as I type it but sometimes it's hard to constantly take the brunt of being the 'foster mom' in her eyes and hearing the loyalty (to biomom) in her words. Yes, yes, I know this is what fostering is all about. I mentioned this was a vent, yes? I can see she likes and even loves me, but also see she struggles w/ it more than her relationship w/ my husband (whom she favoritely adores - my husband claims it's b/c he's a novelty, being the only consistent Daddy figure in her life). To me it must be the mother/daughter thing as I've only raised a son and have never dealt w/ this. But it makes me feel bad that I have such a strong 'mama bear' reaction, especially when I know why she really says it (have talked w/ counselor about it etc.)

Anyway, what do some of you do when you hear about comments FKs make about their bioparents that you know aren't true, but the FKs want to be true b/c they see it in your home? Especially when their comments happen as a direct result of something you're currently doing?

[cookiemommakara]

Redirect. Its the only thing you can do. We had to lay down the law with my oldest FD. "But my mommy does this instead..." my response: "Well hunny, in our family we do it this way, and right now you are part of this family. Every family is different, but this is how we do things in this house."

I haven't gotten the "But my mommy.." message in a while

Good luck! It is ok to vent The constant comparison IS annoying

[inshape]

I have a 4yo FD and a baby(fk). This is one of MANY reasons I want to stick with babies. The only time my 4 yo FD does the comparison is when she wants something. ''Well my mommy lets me do this, that, and the other, my mommy lets me eat candy''. Keep in mind she only has ONE supervised 2hr visit a week since she was a baby.

Now I don't think I'll ever loose it and tell her the truth..... that her mom needs to grow up and get her act together and she got taken b/c her mom wasn't a good parent etc etc. I just make it about OUR family. I usually say one sentence like.... well you are here now, and this is how we do things. End of discussion, no further explaining, the end!

Keep in mind, half the stuff she says could be made up. I know that girls are extra good at the manipulation game.

[hopefulandwatching]

If by "well my mommy does..", you mean that her goal is making mommy look really good and like she really really loves her girl...well...I guess try to remember that she says what she does because she cannot handle a world where her mother is what she really is...in your fd's little heart, that would mean mommy does not love her...which would mean she was "not lovable". At least, this is my experience...children need their parents to be good parents...and if it is bad...depending on the age, may respond this way. Because they believe it is about them. If she were older, she might be ticked off at her mom and not see ANY good in her...hard to say. Hang in there, I imagine it is wearing! But, maybe if you could reframe it so you hear a little girl saying "no, really, I AM lovable!" instead of the words she is saying...you might be able to hold on with more peace!

[URmysunshine4]

Originally Posted by inshape

I have a 4yo FD and a baby(fk). This is one of MANY reasons I want to stick with babies. The only time my 4 yo FD does the comparison is when she wants something. ''Well my mommy lets me do this, that, and the other, my mommy lets me eat candy''. Keep in mind she only has ONE supervised 2hr visit a week since she was a baby.

Now I don't think I'll ever loose it and tell her the truth..... that her mom needs to grow up and get her act together and she got taken b/c her mom wasn't a good parent etc etc. I just make it about OUR family. I usually say one sentence like.... well you are here now, and this is how we do things. End of discussion, no further explaining, the end!

Keep in mind, half the stuff she says could be made up. I know that girls are extra good at the manipulation game.

I couldn't agree with you more, that is the exact reason we take the 0-3 kids, we have less comparision to when they were with their bios.
Our goal is adoption and if it ever came to that we are certainly going to be open (age appropriate of course) to the fact that our kids are adopted but having that age range hopefully deflects some of what they remember (good and bad) about their lives with their bios.

[newmama30]

We hear this everyday it seems. Except since they are my bios, its about my DS's dad.....who he hasnt seen since 2009, 3yrs ago, and in his mind he was/is perfect. All I say is you have no clue what he's like, and move on with whatever we r doing. Normally this come's up when he gets in trouble, or Daddys not doing what he wants. So its totally normal, and totally ok to just keep on keep'n on. Its hard for dh, he's raised him since he was about 18mon old, and is truely the only Daddy he knows.

[mom2fabtwins]

For those of you sticking to the under 4s.....

quick story...
AS (4):mom, can I have a cookie for breakfast?
me: um...no, we don't eat cookies for breakfast.
AS: my first mom gave me cookie for breakfast.
me: really, what kind of cookie?
AS: i don't remember it was a long time ago...but they tasted good

now the funny part.....the last time he saw his mom was when he was 15 months old. He came to me at 3 days, and never had an unsupervised visit. She never fed him anything other than a bottle.

the mind plays the game it needs to to help us heal. Sometimes it is helpful to talk thru the fantasy and help the child to see that the situation is not exactly that way, but rather how they wish it were. Guy smiley has lots of memories of his first family. Sonny boy has none. Guy smiley did go to 2 visits without Sonny boy, but I don't think that is the difference.

We talk alot about being safe and that kids come to our house to be safe. We talk about the 'great' things that bio parents did, and were they really safe?

There are times were I would like to 'snap' and say MANY things. When I can, i coach them thru fantasy vs reality. If the child is in therapy, check with the counselor to see if that is appropriate for you child.

[greenrobin]

i tend to say to the repeat stuff, "wow, that's interesting!" and then move along.

it gets old. couldn't tell you the number of times i just had to pretend it didn't bother me with my son. it really is wish-craft sometimes. and knowing that made it a little easier.

occassionally!

[Slambrarian]

I know how annoying it can be. We have a 9 year old FS and he will bring that out everyone once in a while and it can be infuriating. One time my sister promised him an ice cream cone at the end of the week (she was watching him for a few days in the summer) if he learned 5 states a day for 3 days. When he just couldn't get it he was like, "whatever, my mom will get me ice cream whenever I want it." I just wanted to be like, "Really, REALLY? When has that ever happened on your office visits in 8 months? Ok, we will be sure to not get you any ice cream anymore when the other kids get it." (he is OBSESSED with getting any little treat that might come his way, it's odd). But, of course, that doesn't help anyone! (except let me vent). Kids!

[mommytobe80]

Just this morning I had one of these conversations!

AD asked my why she had to brush her teeth with a toothbrush. "My dad brushed his teeth with water and his finger!"

First off, EW. Where does she get this?!

Secondly, he spent most of his time in prison. The last time you likely watched him brush his teeth, you were one year old.

I think it's her way of processing what her parents failed to do for her. I give her a weird look and remind her that her parents did not make good choices.

[inshape]

Originally Posted by mom2fabtwins

For those of you sticking to the under 4s.....

quick story...
AS (4):mom, can I have a cookie for breakfast?
me: um...no, we don't eat cookies for breakfast.
AS: my first mom gave me cookie for breakfast.
me: really, what kind of cookie?
AS: i don't remember it was a long time ago...but they tasted good

now the funny part.....the last time he saw his mom was when he was 15 months old. He came to me at 3 days, and never had an unsupervised visit. She never fed him anything other than a bottle.

the mind plays the game it needs to to help us heal. Sometimes it is helpful to talk thru the fantasy and help the child to see that the situation is not exactly that way, but rather how they wish it were. Guy smiley has lots of memories of his first family. Sonny boy has none. Guy smiley did go to 2 visits without Sonny boy, but I don't think that is the difference.

We talk alot about being safe and that kids come to our house to be safe. We talk about the 'great' things that bio parents did, and were they really safe?

There are times were I would like to 'snap' and say MANY things. When I can, i coach them thru fantasy vs reality. If the child is in therapy, check with the counselor to see if that is appropriate for you child.

Interesting. I guess it's kinda like the granma let me do it. The visits are always a fun place with our FD. They go to Chuckee Cheese(all visits supervised) the movies, library, store, and of course it's junk food and candy for lunch. Every kids dream lol. They don't have enough time to be disciplined or corrected. I'm in no way saying that they shouldn't have good memories, but I do understand when other ppl vent.

Here in our state we only keep babies for 6-9 months(TPR is quick here with babies) so comparing wouldn't be an issue.

[2012FP]

@hopefulandwatching - I don't think you could have explained it any better! And I thank you for the reminder. In my heart I know she's simply a little girl looking for love and a 'normal' life, even in her memories.

Some days, like today, are just more draining than others, and other days much more humorous - like the time my FD told me 'my mom has a riding mower too!' ...and the bubble over my head read - 'um, I don't even think your mom has a yard'...yet the picture of her biomom riding my mower and cutting the grass was very inviting indeed :0)

[walkermom]

DITTO.....to original poster...our 7yr old fd actually just left last night to go to a relative after 6 weeks with us, but seriously, not exaggerating, we got the "my mom/dad..." comments about 25 times a DAY....and allegations against them are just horrific...there were many times I bit my tongue b'c I too wanted to let her know what they REALLY did! but like the others, I was firm and just would say.."well, you are here now, and here we do this.." she never did stop saying that though...and I have to admit it is one thing I am glad I don't have to deal with right now...until the next one

[CaddoRose]

4 yr old FS:These grapes have skin
Me:yes they do
FS: My Mom peels them for me
Me: That's nice dear. Now eat your grapes.

It's my pat response to anything like that. That's nice dear. I just move it along. They will make up allkinds of stuff and that's the only response I ever have to it.

[cookiemommakara]

That's nice dear...hahaha love it. I'm stealing it