[Foster2Adopt127]

Hi.

I posted a while back during the "really tough" transition time of going from childless to having a two year old (all while my husband was out of town the first two weeks).

It was (and still is) a very rough transition for the three of us. Things are starting to get better, though I still haven't felt "attached" or "bonded" with my little one. We are working with her on getting her accustomed to a structured routine, she's doing well at daycare (except for two biting incidents), she loves our extended family, she loves our dogs, she's way better at "accepting" the rules (hands in the parking lot, bath before bed, shoes on when we're outside, etc), she loves the people at daycare and no longer cries when we drop her off, those are all the good things. The bad things are the tantrums, the not sleeping through the night and the constant exhaustion for my husband and I, the "battles" (which we try to pick wisely and normally end in a tantrum), the "switch" from being able to run to the store to grab something to it taking an hour+ to do anything, not getting any time for ourselves, you know, the normal deal. We expected it, but with all of the FD/2yr old challenges in addition to the normal "childless to parents" stuff, we just weren't prepared for it to hit us so hard.

Anyhow, we have put our heads together to come up with a night plan (we switch off sleeping in the room next to FDs so that the other can get a good nights sleep, which still isn't ideal for either of us because the next day we can't function at work... but such is life and it's better than nothing), we are working with DC to be proactive and positive to avoid the biting, etc. We THOUGHT we were working it out. It's been hard but we have really been working at it all.

We found out today that the state will not cover daycare for TEN MONTHS. Her daycare is nearly $1200 a month. That is a small fortune for us. We ARE able to afford it, but it essentially means we won't be saving ANY money and I'll be putting every other paycheck towards her daycare. THis was an expense that we were NOT expecting. They have all of our financial info so I guess we wouldn't be approved if this wasn't the case, but I can't believe that this is an expectation of foster parents. We hope to have biological children one day and don't want to jeopardize our finances in such a way that we wouldn't be able to own a house, another car, that kind of thing. I honestly asked about daycare with every single call we got from the agency and they assured us every. single. time. that it would be covered after 30 days.

Here's my question. I feel terrible about the "reason" for "disrupting" being that we don't want to pay for daycare, but we were told (and told time and time again) that daycare would be covered by the state. Now, we are on a waiting list and they told us it would be TEN months before they would cover her. TEN months X $1200 = $12,000. That's almost a new car or a downpayment on a house, or other things that we have worked hard to save for. I love this little girl, despite all of the challenges, but we were absolutely UNPREPARED and misled into believing that DC would be covered almost immediately. Am I a jerk for thinking about our own well-being and financial future before a foster child's well-being? We have already paid for two months, which isn't a problem because we knew it would take time to get it all set up. Now, with ALL of the other challenges (which we were willingly working on) PLUS this, I find myself feeling resentful that we ever did this. And I feel guilty typing that, but it's how I feel. Resentful that I have worked so hard to save our money - and that it will be paying for daycare for a child that is not on an adoption track nor would we intend to adopt even if that option came up (we were interested in foster2adopt infants only).

I think of this poor kid and her poor life and ANOTHER huge transition to another family. Would they take good care of her? Know all of her little quirks? And what about her parents who are so happy that she is in our care... finding out that we "gave her up?" Would they be told the reason? Then we have a "good day" or a "good moment" and I think, how could I put a price on a kid? Oh, gosh, I am so so sad about this whole situation and very frustrated with my agency for being put in this situation. If they had said from square one "There's a chance daycare won't be covered" we would have absolutely said "no" to the call and asked for only school age children. My husband and I both have full time (50+ hours a week) jobs and would not have ever considered a child who needs to be in the home (medically fragile or otherwise behavioral issues preventing daycare) - OR paying for daycare on our own. It just wasn't in the cards. Nor did I ever think it would be! They knew we both work!

I am sick to my stomach over this. It is a lose lose situation, if you ask me, and I'm normally a very positive person. The "Change" has definitely taken a toll on my health (I've lost 15 pounds since she's arrived because I have no time to do anything and have worried about my ability to parent a two year old), as well as our marriage (unable to have ANY time together, ever, and not even able to sleep together - literal sleep - due to the night time waking and the need to sleep on a different floor if you don't want the 1, 3, 5am scream wake up). So with all of this said, YES it has really been an experience that I didn't expect it to be. I knew it would be hard, but not this hard, and now they drop this daycare bomb on us and we have to A) use $12,000 of our savings to pay for daycare for a foster child (our stipend wouldn't even cover half of the daycare, and that's without diapers, food, everything else) or B) give up a child because of MONEY (which we have, but are feeling so torn about because we've worked hard for this and were never told that a foster child would be such an "investment").

What do I do? How do I make this a "win" situation? They WILL NOT cover it, and they have told us that. We have to wait for the state to cover it and that's ten months from now. Also, I have no info about the timeline of reunification or plans of such - so even if the return was December (which would potentially be do-able $$-wise) - we all KNOW that it's never set in stone. Without posting details here, it seems to me that it will be a much longer time this child will spend in care.

I need words of advice, support, not flaming. I am torn up over this and really need to come up with a solution that I can "own" and feel good about. Even though I am not sure there is one.

Please help.

[just-breathe]

Maybe think about getting a respite weekend and see how you feel. Do you feel refreshed and eager to see her come back or are you dreading her return.
Or you can just tell DCF point blank that due to the erroneous information given to you (whether it was someone who truly thought that daycare would be covered quickly or someone trying to snow you) has resulted in an unfortunate circumstance of not being able to afford child care. Tell them that you won't pay for child care longer than a set amount of time (2 weeks, 3 weeks, whatever), and tell them they will need to have a plan after that. You would hate to see them move the child over this, but it is what it is. You should not feel guilty about not wanting to jeopardize your financial future. Maybe you can continue to foster, just only be able to foster school aged children or teenagers who can be left alone after school, etc.

Good luck. It's a crummy situation to be in, that's for sure. I think it's ridiculous that some states don't pay daycare.

[digmykids]

Honestly, this stinks! I would tell the CW that you were told many times it would be covered and they have 1 month to get it covered or you will need to have the child moved.
You are being fair in giving a month (already paid for per your post) and if they still say no the ask for her stipend to be raised to cover the amount.
That is nuts! You have nothing from her stipend to actually use on her other than her time away from you.
I would act now and be firm....yes disruption sucks but so does going broke!
(((hugs))) I'm sorry!

[walkermom]

I hate to say it, but I agree with second poster...you need to act now and BE FIRM....tell them you were given false information regarding day care expenses. Like she said, tell them they have one month to figure it out or find her a new home...it may "look bad" but in your heart you have to do what is right for you and your husband. I just think that is insane to pay that amount of money when you were told it would be covered...sorry you're going through this..I really would call TOMORROW

[Foster2Adopt127]

Thank you. It makes me feel better that I'm not the only one who would "disrupt" (such a harsh word in this sense ) over daycare expenses. We simply weren't prepared financially to put that amount of money into a temporary situation.

I am going to call the worker tomorrow to see if we can have a meeting so that I can let them know they need to figure out a way to get it covered by the end of ____. or we are going to have to have her moved. So sad to think about but at least I take some comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one who would move in that direction.

This DOES stink, totally.

[URmysunshine4]

No offense by this post but why is your daycare $1200 a month? That is $300 a week, I take our fks to a great local daycare & its only $150 a week.

[Foster2Adopt127]

That is the norm for the area that we live in. I checked several daycares. Many daycares won't take foster kids (they don't say that outright, but they don't accept the "subsidy" kids because they end up getting less, or something, so they tell you that they don't have space for your age group... happened with several that I called). $150 a week would be glorious. Do you pay it? I'm not sure what "range" I would actually agree to pay... because it was just something that we were told over and over again that it was covered. Even if it was $600 a month ($150 a week), that would be the entire stipend. I hate to make this about money, but it seems crazy to take kids that need daycare when we both work, only to spend our stipend on daycare and not on the things that she deserves. Which, of course, we would supplement here and there, but I Guess I was just caught off guard by having to pay for daycare when we were told it would be covered. Maybe I am crazy though, I haven't figured it out.

[slackwater]

Here, for our LO, we pay daycare in advance and are then reimbursed. I act like it's money gone and then I use the pay back to pay down debt

That being said, our LO was pre-adoptive when he was placed, so I would have been willing to "eat" the cost of daycare. If he was NOT pre-adoptive, I would NOT pay for daycare. FKs already cost more than the stipend we are given - there's NO WAY I'm going that far into the "hole" for a child I don't get to keep.

Sounds harsh, but...until my name is on the BC, and I get to make the legal decisions for the child, I expect the state to pay for their care. Period. Otherwise, I'd be setting myself up to care for a FK at the expense of the rest of my family. Not worth it. The state won't be there to help me when I go broke paying for a FK's daycare!

[HopingForForever]

I'd never eat the costs of daycare for a child who could leave tomorrow AND that you'd never adopt. That's nuts. They don't pay for any daycare here (not allowed to use it for under school aged kids) and if you need before/after school care, you pay it out of your stipend. No idea how they work off school days or summer vacation.

The thing is, they tell you this upfront at the first intro meeting and make a big deal of it. They're had people walk out of the meeting right then and there. I'm shocked they'd be like this to you about an expense as huge as child care.

If I had no intention of adopting this child IF she even became available, I'd disrupt, but there's no way we'd ever be able to pay that out of pocket anyway.

[hoping4baby83]

Oh I feel for you! We are waiting currently to see how much dhs will pay towards daycare. Without help, it would be $250 a week for our two kiddos. At 1000 a month, that is an expense that we cant afford. We are not poor, but we couldnt afford to keep up things at our home and pay that much in daycare. As it is, we are paying around 80 a week right now, we made an agreement with our person to pay what we believe DHS will not cover. With the $ that is coming in to help with the kids, and all their expenses, we couldnt do it.
I feel your pain with adjusting to life with kids too. We dont have any bio kids, so these little ones are the first to EVER live with us. The first few days were hell for me, I cried constantly. It was the stress, the feeling that I had lost my old life, wondering if I was even meant to be a "mom". Since then, I have adjusted well, but now its the hubby. He is really starting to feel the pressure of having these little people ALL THE TIME! He misses the free time we used to have. He misses it being just us. I do too sometimes. And that makes me feel so bad!

[CaddoRose]

I agree with Digmykids. It doesn't matter that you have the money to cover the daycare expense. It's not your expense. It's the state's expense. They knew you both worked when they placed her with you and it's really unlikely they looked up your finacials before placing her. They are using you.

[irelady10]

I could not foster if I was expected to pay for daycare...i cannot believe your state expects you to pay for daycare for a child that they have custody of. That is ridiculous!

[jmd5294]

This is exactly how it works in our county, and there is nothing the county can do about it because the subsidized daycare office is completely separate from the DHS office. Foster children are not given priority over other kids who are on the waiting list (not saying they should be, just stating a fact). This is why we are always getting calls for infants, because I am a SAHM, so daycare prices aren't an issue for us, but they are for many foster families, which is why there is a HUGE demand for infant foster homes in our county.

I guess my question to you is, were you hoping to eventually adopt a foster placement? If so, it sounds like you need to be prepared for the fact that you will likely end up paying 10ish months of daycare unless you can find an alternative childcare arrangement. What about putting her in a cheaper daycare that might not accept the subsidy when it comes through, but since you're currently paying out of pocket, who cares? She might not even still be placed with you by the time the subsidy comes through OR the daycare might then agree to accept the subsidy for her b/c they have a relationship with her and you.

Have you thought about fostering older, school aged children? When I worked, we fostered school age children, and paying for before/after school care was not nearly the price of full time daycare. Of course, you will have to be prepared for paying for summer daycamp during the summer months, which can be pricey (but not nearly the cost of a 2 y.o.'s daycare).

And, all that being said, you are fostering the absolute most difficult age ever (IMO). I need kids to arrive as infants so that by the time they're 2, I love them already. OR, arrive after they're 4. Those are my conditions, and since I won't take anyone older than my youngest, we only take infants. My fs just turned 2 and he is a pistol, but since he's been here for 14 months, it's not nearly as difficult b/c we already have a great bond with him.

Good luck with your decisions. I tend to think that, if your decision is driven mostly by money, you will regret disrupting. However, if you feel that this isn't the right age group for you, or that maybe fostering is not for you, you shouldn't feel bad disrupting.

[jmd5294]

I just read that you are interested in foster to adopt infants only. What is your plan for daycare for those infants? Infants are typically even more expensive than 2 year olds when talking about daycare prices.

[irelady10]

I could not foster if I was expected to pay for daycare...i cannot believe your state expects you to pay for daycare for a child that they have custody of. That is ridiculous!