[splatfam]

Hi all,
Still new at this and looking for advice.

This week our FK's have a visit with mom. At the ones thus far, I've sent a card and a brief, handwritten note stating that the kids are doing well and we are praying for her (she knows we are "religious" -- had to sign off on us bringing FK's to church). I'm a little more settled in now and had time to type up a newsy letter about how they've been for the last month. Also printing off about a dozen pics of them doing things and will put them in a cheap little brag-book I got at Wal-Mart.

I'm totally supporting RU and bear no ill will to this woman at all (we've not even met). I want her to know that 1) the kids are doing well and 2) we are praying for her and hoping all goes well so she can have kids back soon.

Obviously I've never been in this woman's shoes. I'm hoping that she takes this all with the love and concern intended for her and her chlidren. I'm also selfish -- I want her to know how much the kids miss her so she will be motivated to continue working her program! The kids are darling, but we aren't in this to adopt right now, and these kids need their (healthy) mom.

Anything I should/shouldn't say or anything I should keep in mind for my newsy little letter?

Thanks for the advice!

[Jensboys]

My advice -- keep it factual (The kids have been to the beach 3 times, Joey loved to swim but Sally was pretty cautious with us) and then ask questions. "I have been trying to cook some meals that the kids enjoy, and I was wondering if you would mind sharing some of their favorites with me" or "We would love to make sure that the kids have some of the same books at our house as they do at home. Do you mind telling me some of the kids favorites from your house?"

I wouldn't offer much comment in the way of anything extra yet. Saying all that -- what our families have commented on always was the fun descriptions I wrote on the back of photos I sent. That was definitely appreciated.

[bigmomma5]

Our mom's always appreciated it. and the one i never met, i encouraged her to write me any questions she had about her child's care, delays, etc as RU was coming up. She did and we had communication backand forth.....it was GOOD> The one's were adopting, always gave her TONS of photos made her albums of birthday parties, christmas,,,,made picture frames with hand prints and kids photos. I also gave her framed photos for mother's day. I gave her packes of professional photos for her family. i kept a couple fo them but gave her the rest.

I was told to keep our family out of photos, but after three years with us, i include our kids now, because they are all together in all the photos....

on her final visit, i gave her a gold locket with the kids photos in them..

[arbuckle17]

We always keep a life book, it's a kinda a scrap book with a much of other stuff in it including medical info as well as a photo collage.

We would generally send them with the kids on visits and then to another family if they kids move, or home when they RU.

I hate to be the negative one but every time we have tried to support RU and possative relationships, and sometimes they moms were pleasant to us just long enough to RU and then broke contact, most parents have considered us enemies though.

I heard a story from a friend the other night who found one of our older kiddos brothers broken down and stopped to help out (in MT we generally stop if see anyone broken down since oftent he distance to help is long). When his dad stopped by shortly after and the dad found out the guy was our friend, he was less than possative. I guess the general words were "I know whats going on here, buddy you can leave unless you want to see the back side of my tire iron".

so in warning be approachable and do what you can to exude a possative relationship, and sometimes they will welcome it, but don't be suprised if it ends up being one sided.

[Loving_my_Hoosier_Boys]

We used to drive our FS to visits. We spoke with the parents and tried to maintain a positive relationship. When transportation changed to a service provider, birthmom complained that she feels distant from us and wanted to have a good relationship with us. We have given her our contact informaiton and she will periodically text me about one thing or another. For Christmas we gave them a digital picture frame with memory card. Every few months, she will send the memory card home with him and we update it with more pictures. I just had his pics taken Saturday and send a ton of pictures for her and her family.

We are not friends but friendly. I know that I have to take everything she says with a grain of salt. She says after RU we will still be in his life. When the plan changed to TPR, her contact pretty much stopped except for a text every 3-4 weeks. I update her on what he did, is doing etc. but thats about it.

[OhioFosterMom]

keep it simple, short and sweet.

Don't go overboard. You don't want to come off as "super techno craft mom". If you want her to share it with others don't put any comments. Just their name, how old, and the date.

She may not give you the kudos that you'd get from say a sister -in-law, so don't be surprised. You can be assured that the mom and child will cherish what you make 10 years from now. Go with that motive in your heart and you won't be disappointed in her reaction.

All that being said, it varied by person. She may be very gracious about it.

[Momsalot]

I think it's wonderful that you are praying for her! You know you're doing the right thing and are treating her with respect and dignity, which she is probably pretty low on right now. Just remember, though, that our prayers are not always answered immediately, or not always in the way we expect.

[MamaPenny]

I stopped sending written notes when things I thought were kind, well-intentioned, and otherwise "innocent" started getting filtered back to me through the attorneys. My one set of nightmare bios have ruined it for all the rest!

I use disposable cameras to take photos of the FKs; I get three sets of photos made--one for our memory book, one set for bio mom, one set for bio dad and/or extended biofamily. I make sure no one appears in the photos other than the FK (like me, my biokids, etc), and that there are no easily identifying things in the background (like my house with the house number visible, or one of our cars' license plates).

I usually get thanks through channels for the photos.

I also get the kiddos' twice-annual portraits (age 6m, 1y, 1.5y, 2y, etc) done at Target, if the kiddos are with me for any length of time around those milestone ages, and send some of those to the bios.

[arbuckle17]

Originally Posted by hltarr01

For Christmas we gave them a digital picture frame with memory card. Every few months, she will send the memory card home with him and we update it with more pictures.

This is such a cool idea. Maybe someday we will succeed in forming a good enough relationship with a bio to make it work.

Kudos for such an inovative idea.

[OhioFosterMom]

also, make almost all of the photos be of the kids. your home and their yard, playground , activities around them is great--- but not so many with you and your family. Important to include a few, but if you are asking what the mom will appreciate, it is just photos of her babies.