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Old 07-20-2012, 06:29 PM
MichiganHopeful's Avatar
MichiganHopeful MichiganHopeful is offline
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Question Saying no to a placement I mentioned earlier this week, we sent our first placement out to another home (not by our choice of course) on Tuesday. It was quite emotional and has been a rough few days. However, healing has definitely begun....or at least I thought it had.

Today, we were called with another placement. Something didn't feel right...scenraio? Age? we said we were not ready yet.

Why do I feel guilty? Our agency sure DIDN'T make me feel that way....they were great about it. But...something just feels amiss.

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Shannon & Marc (VA)
are hoping to adopt
Shannon & Marc  hoping to adopt A Service of Adoption Profiles

Old 07-20-2012, 06:37 PM
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greenrobin greenrobin is offline
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yep, totally normal.

in the 3 years that we were actively fostering before our adoption, we never said no to a placement.

in the 3 days we were active before we took the girls, we said no 3 times. i told the cw supervisor that i felt bad saying no but it didn't feel right to say yes. she said that was a sure sign that there was a foster family somewhere else that was a better fit for the kids.

i really hope so.
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Old 07-20-2012, 09:57 PM
MomInCorazon MomInCorazon is offline
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Agreed - normal. In my recent recertification meeting my worker mentioned my ability to say no to a placement as one of my strengths. Inside I was thinking - do you know how guilty I feel each and every time??? That being said, we have to be able to say no if the situation isn't right. Moving kids multiple times, disrupting - these are MUCH worse than turning down a placement and they often happen because the fit wasn't right from the beginning. Know your parameters and stick to them. Ultimately it is best for all involved, including the kids who you didn't say yes to.
Former placements:
Pumpkin 14 (kinship, co-parented since 8 months old)
Monkey Man 8 (kinship, co-parented since birth)
Snuggy 3 (kinship, co-parented since birth)
*currently in litigation to be declared a de facto parent

Bright Eyes 16
Jazz 18

And hotline foster parent to 50+ emergency placements
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Old 07-21-2012, 02:50 PM
pinkfrrt pinkfrrt is offline
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I agree. If you have any mixed feelings and can't say yes wholeheartedly, then you have to say no to the placement. DH and I made the mistake and are learning from our mistake. We took in baby girl. 4 months later her older half sister (6 years old) was offered to us for adoptive placement. Although the county worker and our own social worker were not pushing the placement, we knew that they were secretively hoping that we will take the older sister, too. We did the visitations, but something just wasn't quite right. Older sister was previously placed with an aunt who basically didn't have much good things to say about her. However, the county worker dismissed complaints from the aunt and told us that the aunt was just not a good parental figure for the older sister. Our own social worker said you won't really know a child until you've lived with the child.

Anyway, we had mixed feelings, but felt that we really want to keep the two sisters together (like we were doing it for the baby sister so she can grow up with her half sibling).

Anyway, older sister moved in and it's been a month of stress from her behavioral issues. She is also jealous of her younger sister and tried to choke her. We've requested for disruption and feel very quilty like we just added more trauma to an already traumatized child. What will be more traumatizing to her is that we are keeping her younger sister and letting her go.

All could have been avoided had we just listen to our gut and be honest to ourselves and everyone in the beginning.
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Old 07-21-2012, 02:59 PM
Live.and.Learn's Avatar
Live.and.Learn Live.and.Learn is offline
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Totally normal. We have said no several times including this week to two year old twin boys from another county. It just didn't feel like a good fit that day. I felt literally sick saying "No." I think it is because I have twin boys myself. I could perfectly imagine that sweet age. It just wasn't the right time for everybody in my house. I hope you get a call soon that is the perfect fit.
Married 27 years
3 Bio sons
1 away at college
2 in high school
***Current Placements***
Empty beds for the first time in two years. Taking a break through the summer.
***Previous Placements*** (*Nov '11-Jan '12 sisters:1 infant, 1 toddler) (*Feb '12 toddler boy) (*Feb '12 siblings: 1 preschooler, 1 toddler) (*May '12 toddler girl) (*Aug '12 toddler boy) (*Oct '12 toddler girl) (*March '12-Aug '13 toddler girl) (Oct '12-March '14 siblings: 1 toddler, one baby)
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