adoption.com

adoption.com

 
JOIN 800,000+ MEMBERS JOINJOIN Cancel
image






Adoption Forums®

Members List Photos Events Local Adoption Support Search Arcade Reviews Membership Upgrade
Welcome to the Forums.
If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ. You may have to register before you can post or search: click here to proceed. To start viewing messages, select a forum below that you would like to view or click View All of Todays Posts.
Forum Categories

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-14-2012, 08:49 PM
JeepGal JeepGal is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 288
Total Points: 41,386.81
Donate
Foster Daughter trying to manipulate through social worker

My foster/soon to be adoptive daughter (age 8) is a bit too savvy on working the system to get what she wants.

Last weekend we went to my grown daughters college graduation. We went to the store and picked out a special dress for the occasion. She really wanted something more ( for lack of a better word) trashy. I found something cute and age appropriate for her. She wanted tight black and pink animal print...or anything like that. I told her no, that it was an outdoor event, and that a cotton summer dress would be more appropriate. Ive seen pictures of her with her Bio Mom, and this was how they dressed together. So I do understand where shes coming from.

Today the social worker came by to check on us so she could make a recommendation to the Judge for the 2.6 hearing (TPR) in June. The Kids Social Worker is coming by on Wed for the same thing. The kids told her they loved us and wanted us to be their parents Our social worker said she is recommending permanency for us.

So, today Foster daughter said she asked my Social worker if she could chose her own clothes. She said the social worker said it was her decision what to where, and used this to try and force me to buy her things she liked. I told her "No"...I do not agree with that. She then said that My Social worker was "the boss of me" and said I had to do what she said. Again, I said "No, we were partners in doing what was best for her, and that when it comes down to it, Im her Mother. and get to make the decisions." She was very put out. I did leave a message for my social worker.

Im worried that shes trying to manipulate me and others by using the system. She has also alluded to me "going to jail" if I ever raised a hand to her (which I would never do, so I dont know why she would even say that). Also, she also told my brother whom she adores, while they were rough housing...being goofy, that he had to be careful where he touched her because she would tell and he would go to jail. At this point, he stopped playing with her because he was worried what she was up to.

Im a little concerned. I dont know quite how to handle her threatening to "tattle" on me when Im not doing anything wrong...

Anyone out there have any input on this??

Other than that, things are going great! We just got back from a long motorhome trip with five adults, two kids and two dogs. They traveled great!

Tam
__________________
Attended Foster Care Orientation 01/29/2010
Sent in application package 02/01/2010
Medical Physicals 2/17/2010
County Interview 3/3/2010
Classes start 4/12/2010-6/2010
Passed Home Inspection (State) 5/12/2010
Finished Classes 6/26/2010
First half of our Homestudy complete 08/14/2010
Second half of our Homestudy completed 08/28/2010
FINALLY APPROVED and officially waiting 11/17/2010

First Placement 04/13/2011
JT all boy 39 months
BA little angel girl, 21months
Grandparents sued county (after being found unsuitable) and won custody

Second and hopefully last placement (transition begins 3/25/2012)
Lil Miss 8 yrs at placement
Lil Guy 2.5 yrs at placement
Moved in 4/23/2012
TPR hearing 6/11/2012
Appeal denied 02/13/2013
Signed final court docs May 22, 2013
Finalization Court Hearing July 26, 2013
We are done.

Bio Daughter Laura 22
Bio Daughter Christina 21
Chris and I married for 6 years

Last edited by JeepGal : 05-14-2012 at 09:39 PM.
Reply With Quote
Adoption Information
Domestic Adoption?
Virginia
Click here to visit Adoption Home Study Provider
If you live in the U.S. and are going to adopt, you will need an adoption home study. Click here to find a home study provider in your area. Get Started Today!
Adoption Home Study Provider
 

  #2  
Old 05-14-2012, 09:58 PM
inshape's Avatar
inshape inshape is offline
FosterCare-is-a-Calling
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,373
Total Points: 190,888.82
Donate
Before you get upset with the CW, keep in mind that she may be twisting her words. I have no advice, I have bio teens ( and younger bios)and they aren't disrespectful the way many teens in the system are. Teens are off he table for us unless its respite. Be Firm fair and consistent is what I can tell you!
__________________
We have anywhere from 8-10 kids in the home at any given time.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-14-2012, 11:25 PM
CRAZY_WOMAN's Avatar
CRAZY_WOMAN CRAZY_WOMAN is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,397
Total Points: 40,551.08
Donate
U should check into attactment issues.1,I don't think she thinks of u,as her mother.She may never see u as a mother.I would post this on the attachment-bonding area.
http://forums.adoption.com/attachment-bonding/
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-15-2012, 03:41 AM
fish_out_of_water fish_out_of_water is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 193
Total Points: 23,074.00
Donate
I would advice giving the CW a heads up about your daughter's thoughts on false reporting. Sounds like she's testing the waters to see how much "power" she has over the adults in her lives. At the next teachable moment, have a little talk about it with her.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-15-2012, 04:19 AM
Sueby Sueby is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 150
Total Points: 12,290.84
Donate
My STBAS does this constantly with the agency, going behind our back to get things done that he feels we're taking too long on, which is EVERYTHING to him! Actually, he's always trying to find a way around waiting for anyone to do anything...

We had a talk last night about what will happen when the adoption is final - ie: no agency anymore, and no worker to call. He was flabbergasted! He thought he'd still get to call them and someone would do whatever he wanted
__________________
Bio Sons, 19, 17 and 15
Step kids - 22 and 24
STBAS -13
FS baby boy - 3 1/2 months Goal - RU
FFD - Dec 4/94 - April 7/12 (RIP honey )

Home to over 30 kiddos over the last 13 years and tonnes more through respite/emergency placements.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-15-2012, 07:49 AM
JeepGal JeepGal is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 288
Total Points: 41,386.81
Donate
Im fairly certain that the social worker didnt say that, FD is probably hearing what she wants to hear. i did tell her that when we finalize the adoption that we wouldnt have social workers anymore, and that Mommy and Daddy would be the only ones deciding what was right for her and her brother, just like a normal family.

Im hoping this is not a sign of something bigger....time will tell.
__________________
Attended Foster Care Orientation 01/29/2010
Sent in application package 02/01/2010
Medical Physicals 2/17/2010
County Interview 3/3/2010
Classes start 4/12/2010-6/2010
Passed Home Inspection (State) 5/12/2010
Finished Classes 6/26/2010
First half of our Homestudy complete 08/14/2010
Second half of our Homestudy completed 08/28/2010
FINALLY APPROVED and officially waiting 11/17/2010

First Placement 04/13/2011
JT all boy 39 months
BA little angel girl, 21months
Grandparents sued county (after being found unsuitable) and won custody

Second and hopefully last placement (transition begins 3/25/2012)
Lil Miss 8 yrs at placement
Lil Guy 2.5 yrs at placement
Moved in 4/23/2012
TPR hearing 6/11/2012
Appeal denied 02/13/2013
Signed final court docs May 22, 2013
Finalization Court Hearing July 26, 2013
We are done.

Bio Daughter Laura 22
Bio Daughter Christina 21
Chris and I married for 6 years
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-15-2012, 11:08 AM
skc515's Avatar
skc515 skc515 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,642
Total Points: 79,984.93
Donate
Kinda sounds like a normal 8 year old! lol Substitute CW for Grandma and you'd have a situation I've seen play out in my extended family many times. :-) GRANDMA said I could and you have to listen to her because she's YOUR MOM! lol

I'd definitely address it, but I'd also realize negotiating boundaries and relationships is a healthy and normal part of growing up. The most important part is teaching her the correct way to negotiate those boundaries. :-) She needs to be "set straight" about how these particular boundaries work. :-)

ETA: You might want to even consider inviting the CW over and having the conversation with her and her CW present to make sure she understands she can't manipulate the adults. Nip it in the bud (so to speak) while she's young. ;-)
__________________
3yo, 5yo, 6yo, and 10yo
1 1.5 foster.. soon to be preadoptive! :-)
(and then we're done! )

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-15-2012, 02:01 PM
JeepGal JeepGal is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 288
Total Points: 41,386.81
Donate
I spoke to my social worker this morning. She kinda chuckled, and said she said nothing of the sort. They did discuss the shopping trip, but the social worker didnt say anything about her choosing her clothes. Ill discuss it with Lil Miss when she gets home from school today
__________________
Attended Foster Care Orientation 01/29/2010
Sent in application package 02/01/2010
Medical Physicals 2/17/2010
County Interview 3/3/2010
Classes start 4/12/2010-6/2010
Passed Home Inspection (State) 5/12/2010
Finished Classes 6/26/2010
First half of our Homestudy complete 08/14/2010
Second half of our Homestudy completed 08/28/2010
FINALLY APPROVED and officially waiting 11/17/2010

First Placement 04/13/2011
JT all boy 39 months
BA little angel girl, 21months
Grandparents sued county (after being found unsuitable) and won custody

Second and hopefully last placement (transition begins 3/25/2012)
Lil Miss 8 yrs at placement
Lil Guy 2.5 yrs at placement
Moved in 4/23/2012
TPR hearing 6/11/2012
Appeal denied 02/13/2013
Signed final court docs May 22, 2013
Finalization Court Hearing July 26, 2013
We are done.

Bio Daughter Laura 22
Bio Daughter Christina 21
Chris and I married for 6 years
Reply With Quote
Reply

« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

Points Per Thread View: 1.00
Points Per Thread: 15.00
Points Per Reply: 5.00


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:49 PM.