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  #1  
Old 03-18-2012, 12:54 AM
missygooch missygooch is offline
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Update and Questions (long and rambly)

First the update...

The new guy was removed for risk of harm because another, unrelated, child was severely injured in the home. There were also messy home, neglectful personal care, mental illness, and drug issues with the parents. Mom and dad both live in the home and he's an only child.

Things are going surprisingly well since he was placed Thursday afternoon. I didn' get a honeymoon with my first kiddo so, if this is it, I'm enjoying it!

I had work that I couldn't skip out of on Friday so he came with me and played in the backroom while I did what I needed to do. We had to go to the office afterwards. Everyone was super nice and friendly to him so that was great and he played there reasonably well. It helps that him and my boss were having car races in the hallway.

I figured out Friday night the nightlight wasn't bright enough for him so I've left a low wattage lamp on for him and that's helped him fall asleep much faster than he did the first night.

We spent today at my folks' house. My brother and his family live there too (3 kids--5B, 2G, 1B). My oldest niece was also visiting. She's surprisingly very good at observing and picking up issues with children for an 18 yoa. BF came along too because the little ones get most upset with me when he doesn't. Just me is no longer good enough. :-)

I was warned about aggressiveness and lack of structure from the social worker. The lack of structure was definately noticed today! He was very quick to hit or shove the other kids, demanding, terrible at sharing and/or listening and had pretty much no table manners. Here's the thing though...if you stopped him, got down to him at eye level and said very clearly what you wanted then he would do it.

For example, he plowed right over the 1 yoa. Literally the new guy ran straight into the baby while looking directly at the baby. My mom got down on eye level with him, said very sternly that he must be careful around the baby, and needed to tell the baby he was sorry for knocking him over. The new guy told the baby he was sorry and, after that, he'd say 'watch out, baby' when he was tearing down the hall. There were no more plowing over incidents. A lot of the 'aggressiveness', I think, might be a big for his age 3 year old who has been allowed to run wild. What do y'all think?

Bedtime. Oh my. I'm thinking that 'going to bed' was used as punishment. When you say it's time for bed he immediately starts crying and saying "sorry, sorry, sorry". Putting on PJs is cause for a mini-meltdown. When any of the other kids started crying today he would tell them if they didn't stop crying they were going to bed.

The case goes back to court on Monday and no one doubts that the agency to keep custody. There is a case conference scheduled right after court that I'm attending and bringing the new guy with me.

Now the questions...

My first placement was older (turned 7 within a few weeks of placement) and could understand that he was coming to stay with me because mom needed a time out. Mom was taking classes and learning how to behave when she was mad. He would ask about her and when he was going home. He'd ask about the classes and what kind of stuff she was learning, etc. etc.. I thought that was pretty normal.

I know he's only three but my new guy hasn't asked about home. For the most part, hasn't asked for mom or where she is or when he'll see her. The very first night when he went to bed he cried and wanted mommy. But, since then, he hasn't asked about her or cried (other than when he was mad about something) or mentioned home. Just nothing that would make you think he's in distress. Is this the honeymoon? He is comfortable enough to walk into the kitchen, open the fridge and then throw a fit (like a normal 3 yoa) when I tell him to shut the door because there's nothing until dinner. He's generally standoffish at first but will warm up after a while to some, not all, people. So maybe not an attachment issue but is the not asking or crying or acting sad normal?

The SSW suspects he was in care in another state based upon the parents ease of understanding, among other things, the process of a child coming into care. He's only three though...surely he couldn't be used to this and that's why he's not asking about them, right? Any insights?

He has never mentioned his father or anything about him whatsoever. Tonight, my BF was helping him put on shoes so we could go. The new guy asked my BF if his name was 'dad'. My BF said "my name is X". The new guy repeated his name and that was the end of it. That was the one and only time he has even mentioned the word dad. Is that normal?

Should I be talking about home, mom or dad?

He has not had a bowel movement since he's been here late Thursday afternoon. He urinates on a regular basis, he's eating, he hasn't said anything hurts and he's not acting like anything hurts. Is that normal?

I know this is long and rambly but any thoughts you might have on it would be appreciated. Thanks very much!
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  #2  
Old 03-18-2012, 08:20 AM
astepinmommy astepinmommy is offline
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I wouldn't bring up Mom and Dad if he doesn't. Sounds like there might be some trauma and by bringing them up it might trigger those feelings again. Let him bring them up.

About the bowel movement, when Mandy came to us she didn't have one for the first couple of days but she finally had one. I attributed it to the transition. Our bodies react differently to stress.

Good luck with things.
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  #3  
Old 03-18-2012, 08:38 AM
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heidi6409 heidi6409 is offline
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Quote:
Bedtime. Oh my. I'm thinking that 'going to bed' was used as punishment. When you say it's time for bed he immediately starts crying and saying "sorry, sorry, sorry". Putting on PJs is cause for a mini-meltdown.

This is how our 2 yo fd was for the first couple of weeks. I had to repeatedly explain that every day we would have naptime and bedtime. After a couple of weeks she finally got it that it wasn't happening because of being in trouble, it was because her body needed a rest. It helped that every time we had the same calming routine. Good luck! It will get better, it just takes time and consistency.

Quote:
The very first night when he went to bed he cried and wanted mommy. But, since then, he hasn't asked about her or cried (other than when he was mad about something)

Our fd was like this also. I think if they are used to being passed around to different people, they won't cry for mommy until is sinks in that it's been awhile since he has seen her. Our fd also used to cry for mommy when she was in trouble or didn't get her way. For us, it was the first visit and having to leave mommy to come home with us that we saw true confusion and sadness from her.
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  #4  
Old 03-18-2012, 10:49 AM
OhioFosterMom OhioFosterMom is offline
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Thumbs up watch out for bowel concerns

He can develop fissures and can get very sick if bowel movement issues. I'd have a full physical so you have a baseline. He may have had white flour foods and junk food and not a lot of water in the past....or it could be something more worrisome. I've heard of some really bad cases. Also, ask him where he normally poops. Did he wear a diaper to bed before? Yes, bumping into other kids is extremely normal! I never understood the "terrible two's" adage. Three year old boys are the ones who kept ME on my toes! You'll have to repeat yourself a ton with three year old boys, but don't worry...they eventually get it!
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  #5  
Old 03-18-2012, 01:48 PM
missygooch missygooch is offline
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Thanks for the reassurance. We've been out and about today but still no mention of mom or dad except calling continuing to refer to the BF as 'daddy'. I'll let him bring it up first.

Still no bowel movement. He had a full exam friday and I mentioned it then but the doctor didn't seem concerned at all. He's getting lots of water and fruits to move things along.

I was told he was quite aggressive by the SSW but he seems like a typical 3yo boy to me. He only turned 3 in January but is in the 90th percentile for height and weight. He's a big guy. What they are calling aggressive I am calling normal. :-)

Last edited by Withay : 03-18-2012 at 02:59 PM. Reason: changed 'birthmom' to 'bowel movement' (remember not to use the initials b.m. without the periods because it will always be automatically changed to birthmom).
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  #6  
Old 03-18-2012, 05:46 PM
TemporaryMom TemporaryMom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missygooch

I know he's only three but my new guy hasn't asked about home. For the most part, hasn't asked for mom or where she is or when he'll see her. The very first night when he went to bed he cried and wanted mommy. But, since then, he hasn't asked about her or cried (other than when he was mad about something) or mentioned home. Just nothing that would make you think he's in distress. Is this the honeymoon?


I had that behavior with FD2, who was 2.5 at placement. FD1 NEVER cried about missing mom. FD2 stopped after first night, but she did try to leave with each worker who visited the first month. Then she quit. In retrospect, she was probably feeding off my high anxiety that first month. After talking to FD1's counselor, I later saw that these were signs of major attachment issues. FD2 bonded and attached to me quickly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by missygooch
He is comfortable enough to walk into the kitchen, open the fridge and then throw a fit (like a normal 3 yoa) when I tell him to shut the door because there's nothing until dinner. He's generally standoffish at first but will warm up after a while to some, not all, people. So maybe not an attachment issue but is the not asking or crying or acting sad normal?

Yep, neglect. Make sure he is actually chewing his food properly too. There were likely no boundaries at his birth home.

Quote:
Originally Posted by missygooch
He has not had a bowel movement since he's been here late Thursday afternoon. He urinates on a regular basis, he's eating, he hasn't said anything hurts and he's not acting like anything hurts. Is that normal?

My understanding is at that age it is not unusual to go a few days. Give him high fiber and see what happens. I do agree with the PP, ask him about his pottying habits. He may not have been fully trained, would not shock me in a boy at age 3, and may have been used to going #2 in a pull-up or something. He is old enough that he may be able to articulate it to you.

I agree about the aggression thing with PP, sounds like typical 3yo boy. The fact that he heeded the warning about knocking over baby is positive. And I had to laugh at the "Watch out baby" for a 3yo to think a 1yo knows what that means. That is actually kind of cute.
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