[lifechanges]

We know we have been extended six months, but I am wondering if any of you have had any experience with a child not wanting to go back to their parents?

My niece who is 6 currently lives with me and is adamant that she does not want to go back and live with mom and/or dad. She is okay if they visit the once a week like they do, but nothing more. She almost gets to the point of anger when it is mentioned that mom and dad are tyring to get better and you may have to go back to living with them.

Has anyone experienced this and is this at all taken into consideration when determining if a child will stay or go back?

[UTbrie]

What the child wants has no effect on the case plan at all. They can't even really refuse visits at this age. They will state the child is too young to make that determination that would be a lifelong change and she wouldn't understand the ramifications. Also, they would most likely think the child has been "coached/brainwashed"into thinking that they don't want to go home. (not that you did, just the impression bio's got or CW)

Children have no power or say so in their lives. I think that is wrong to a point.

[TemporaryMom]

Originally Posted by UTbrie

What the child wants has no effect on the case plan at all. They can't even really refuse visits at this age. They will state the child is too young to make that determination that would be a lifelong change and she wouldn't understand the ramifications. Also, they would most likely think the child has been "coached/brainwashed"into thinking that they don't want to go home. (not that you did, just the impression bio's got or CW)

Children have no power or say so in their lives. I think that is wrong to a point.

Ditto. Neither of my girls wanted to go back to their mother even after unsupervised visits. Interestingly, the CW tried to manipulate FD1 into saying that she did. Truth is, she asked the child IN FRONT OF HER BIO if she wanted to return. What was she supposed to say? But she told EVERYONE else that she didn't want to. Both were hysterical when I took them to their mother. FD2 especially was just so upset and confused.

So, unless they are a certain age (13-16 depending on your laws) they have no say whatsoever.

[rmsept81]

We had a kid throwing up due to anxiety stating shE didn't want to participate in reunification. Judge told us a 9 year old shouldn't have control of the situation. I believe age 12 they will listen and take into consideration what the kids want but only on regard to adoption and it is not a determining factor.

She also couldn't work up the nerve to tell her Mom for fear of retaliation.

[ImpactingLives]

Our FFS said he was scared to go home (to his CW when they were alone). It delayed things by several months. His siblings (in different foster homes) were RUd in early July, our FS wasn't RUd until September. He was still saying in September that he was scared to go home, but he was more articulate about being scared of how everyone would be, if his mom's change was real, etc. So it was stuff that they could work on with in home therapy and such.

It was very stressful for me, because I loved him and would have loved for him to stay, and to hear him say he was scared/didn't want to go home it was really difficult. Thankfully we've got to have post RU contact with him...so I can hear that he's doing well.

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

Does she tell her parents that.When I was in foster care,the workers ,foster parents would ask me,I wanted to go home,I would say no,because I thought my foster parents would be mad,also I would stomp away mad.When the workers asked in front of my parents,I would say I want to go home,to live with them.Well the truth is I always wanted to go home,wish I understand it was okay to say yes,to my foster parent.Also I feared my foster parents more ,then my real parents,so that didn't help.

[lifechanges]

You all kind of have the answer I was expecting. What is interesting is the CW told me completely different, she said of course she would have a say and that her opinion would be completely considered.

@Crazy_Woman: I have never heard her say it to her parents (who is my sister) I think she has a fear of hurting their feelings. I never ask her where she wants to live either, but I do tell her you will be staying until March and then we will see what happens, now I am saying September because we know we've been extended 6 months. I like to let her know that there is a chance that she will be going back, but she will always have a place to come and stay here if she needs to and she will still get to come and visit (perk of kinship care, or so I hope). She just gets upset and says she is not leaving and wants to live here. I just reassure her that I will love her no matter what happens, but it isn't up to me. She says she doesn't mind that they visit, but that she wants to stay here. So I don't think she is saying it to simply keep me happy...but I do agree she may be trying to protect feelings. We just try to be very open that we will not ever be mad at her if she wants to/has to go back, we might be sad not seeing her everyday but it will be okay because we will still see each other often.

It just breaks my heart, that neither her or I may have a choice in the matter...and that if she truly does not want to go back and has to I won't be able to say a word...What's even more sad is the simple fact the don't even ask for their parents, that just baffles me....What really was going on for a kid to just not seem to care (although I am sure they do, but you know..)

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

Originally Posted by lifechanges

I think she has a fear of hurting their feelings.

I'm sure everyone involved in my case,probably thought I didn't want to hurt my parents feeling,but I was scared of hurting foster parents feelings.When my foster mom died,I finally felt free to visit,the worker seemed stund.But there also a big difference in your case.I think the older yours kids get,I think there going to be pissed at there parents,when they really understand more.

[wcurry66]

J's casa advocated her wishes, including where she wanted to live.. The casa was present at all review meetings.

[racingwife20]

My FC were like that last year when they were transitioning prior to RU (which fell through). Sad thing was - they were 2 and 3 at the time! Visits were (and still are) very traumatic and stressful for them, although now that their visits are only 2 hours per week, it isn't quite as bad as it had been.

Kids' feelings about where they live, especially if they can articulate how they feel and why, should be taken into consideration, especially in cases of abuse/neglect. This is why they have a CASA and/or GAL. I don't necessarily believe that children should make the ultimate decision regarding where they live, but they should have some input - if they truly fear their parent, or going home, even after months (who am I kidding, years) in foster care then their fears should be considered. I think this is especially true for children who have been in foster care on more than one occasion. The repetitive nature of the abuse/neglect and multiple RUs only harms the child in the long run.

[ladyjubilee]

Originally Posted by lifechanges

Has anyone experienced this and is this at all taken into consideration when determining if a child will stay or go back?

LG didn't want to go back. He literally covered my mouth when I tried to talk about it....and would even kick me when I told him about upcoming transition visits.


No, it didn't matter at all. As I was told, "Its not about the child, its about the parents working the plan."

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

Originally Posted by racingwife20

My FC were like that last year when they were transitioning prior to RU (which fell through). Sad thing was - they were 2 and 3 at the time! Visits were (and still are) very traumatic and stressful for them, although now that their visits are only 2 hours per week, it isn't quite as bad as it had been.

Kids' feelings about where they live, especially if they can articulate how they feel and why, should be taken into consideration, especially in cases of abuse/neglect. This is why they have a CASA and/or GAL. I don't necessarily believe that children should make the ultimate decision regarding where they live, but they should have some input - if they truly fear their parent, or going home, even after months (who am I kidding, years) in foster care then their fears should be considered. I think this is especially true for children who have been in foster care on more than one occasion. The repetitive nature of the abuse/neglect and multiple RUs only harms the child in the long run.

Yes!If the children fear there parents or even been abused,I think that should be it,they should be adopted in most cases.I'm sure the child should be thrown in that position,to have to say they don't want to live with there parents.

[CaddoRose]

In my experience, what the child wants makes no difference. Neither does the psych exam that staes it would be detrimental, or the therapist. My 15 yr was RU'd even though she was adamant that she did not want to go and she would run if RU'd. No one cared.

[alys1]

Yes, I've experienced. Do I think it's reasonable on the part of the child? Often, yes. Kids like being cared for, being fed regularly, having their home warm, clean, having interesting things to do in the home, and interesting places to go, nice friends in their lives.

There were times when my stepson told me things that were going on in his bio-mother's house, and I almost threw up. What child (or adult) in their right mind would want to return to being beaten, left locked in the house alone, not fed, etc. (That covers ages 0-8, yes he was left alone overnight before age 1. Yes, beaten all those ages.) (She beat him once *for calling his dad*, which was *court-ordered contact*. We told him, honey, maybe you shouldn't try to call us any more. What else do you say to a tiny 6-yr-old?)

The big eye opener was my first temporary placement, 3 boys, 4, 5, 6 years old. About 1 week in the SW asked me to tell them they were going to be going home. I thought they'd be so excited! The 6-y-o, being the oldest was "parentified" (little parent, used to caring for them all.) I got down on my knees so I be less threatening, to tell him, then let him tell his brothers.

I will *never* forget the look of horror and terror that flashed immediately across his face when I told him he was going home to mom.

I was so shocked. One second I was a hero for telling him what I thought would make him happy. The next I was a wiser, sadder, and also horrified foster parent.

And yes, the children had been taken into the system because of bruises the mother had left on his face. As adults we get to choose: my spouse is wacked or abusive, I'm leaving. Once they've experienced differently, children just wish they could choose to get out and stay out of abusive homes, also.