[happy2bjustmommy]

is it normal for kids to never mention abuse in 5 months into care, then all of a sudden start talking about it. These kids i have, i was told, had no signs of physical abuse. They are a neglect case, based off of the condition of the home.
about 2 weeks ago i asked one why he was afraid to answer my questions, and his brother said that step dad "spanks him on the face" Then last night i was putting lotion on them and asked one about a scar on his tummy that i had noticed when he got here, and he woudlnt tell me how it happened, but said he remembers it. Then i was putting lotion on the other and asked him about his scars on his back and i was told that step dad hit him with a belt.
So are they talking now that they are comfortable? dont know whether or not to ask questions. The CPS worker said that I need to let her know when they say things like this, and i did send her an email.
So do you randomly ask questions about past abuse in a non leading way? should i just let this go? My guess would be there was physical abuse going on, and it was not evident at the time of placement in foster care.

[just-breathe]

We were told to let them talk, but not to ask questions. Just to say things like, "I'm sure that was scary/that made you sad/etc" to validate their feelings. Then report it ASAP. They can get an investigator and/or counselor to talk to the children depending on the situation.

[happy2bjustmommy]

Originally Posted by just-breathe

We were told to let them talk, but not to ask questions. Just to say things like, "I'm sure that was scary/that made you sad/etc" to validate their feelings. Then report it ASAP. They can get an investigator and/or counselor to talk to the children depending on the situation.

Did i make a mistake in asking about how the scars got there? I admit i was curious, but never thought i would get the answer i got. I expected " I dont know" as the answer.
I guess there is a chance I will get chewed out when CPS reads my email.

These boys have a LOT of scars. More than any 4 and 5 year old have seen ( 3 and 4 when they entered care).

[wcurry66]

In my limited experience, yes. once the kiddos become comfortable, information starts trickling out.

Heck, I'm almost 3 years in and still hearing new stories

Asking questions is ok, so long as you don't ask leading questions.

On a positive note, it sounds like they're feeling safe

[JessicaBaker]

I think asking how the scars got there is okay. My workers have instructed me to be very careful to never ask a leading question. In other words never set it up so the child can answer 'yes' or 'no'. Just things like "tell me about such and such".

Wanted to add: My standard line when FD discloses abuse is something like, "Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry that happened. It wasn't your fault. You are safe here."

[skc515]

I'm over a year in with one of my placements and I'm still getting new stories.

I think a lot has to do with "triggering" events. Something will happen and remind them that "Oh yeah, this happened to me when I was living with ..."

[irelady10]

I just came on here to post a very similar question.

My 3 year old is starting to reveal some things that happened in his home. I am unsure how to document what he is telling me. I left a message for his CW, though.

When they start to talk about traumatic things does it mean they are feeling comfortable and safe in your home...or not necessarily?

[dizzilee]

I'd say they are just beginning to feel safe and comfortable talking about things. As others have said, I would avoid leading or direct questions. Also be sure to document any comments they make about something that happened in the past, but respond in a very neutral way. I was told that any statements my now AS made to me were considered "hearsay" and would not be useful as legal evidence, but if he said the same things to a professional such as a SW or therapist it was considered evidence. Sometimes, however, those little random comments kids make, can help fill in the blanks and give a therapist or investigators some direction when working with families and children.

[happy2bjustmommy]

Thanks for the replies.
The boys therapist came over and i talked to her about it, and she said it was fine to talk to them in general conversation. She said dont have a sit down chat about the past, but what I did was OK, since it pertained to the situation. ( putting on lotion and touching and seeing the scars)
She asked them about it during their sessions and neither one of them replied, they acted as if she didnt ask a question at all and kept playing. ( she is a play therapist) She said it is probably because they have only met her twice, and they are not comfortable yet, with her.

After the boys told me what had happened, i did tell them that i am very sorry they were hurt, and that we are trying to help keep them happy and safe. I also told them that if someone hurts them, they can tell, me or CPS worker, or teacher at school, because we all want them to be happy and safe.

[rmsept81]

We had one night a few months in where one child just let all of the abuse detail out at once. They have to get comfortable. I always let the therapists know. At the beginning I forwarded everything to the case worker but I have been more choosy about this in light of recent events. There have been events reported about past abuse that I had to hotline to make sure they had been investigated as it seemed a if BioMom was having contact with that person. It's not often one type of abuse that kids suffer from even though there may only be one on their case file.

[Biblemom]

You have to be very careful when it comes to children talking about abuse. We were accused of 'putting words'
in my FC mouths because we let them talk about it. We never asked leading questions, always documented etc. It was horrible. Just do your best to let them know you are listening and it is safe to talk to you, but do not question them at all. Let the therapist build a relationship so that she can get everything documented and be sure that if they use the to TPR, no one can question it.

[CelticMomma]

We had an emergency placement of a set of three siblings and the four year old would spout information. His eight year old sister would tell me "he likes to tell stories" or "that one is true" depending on what he was saying.

I think I probably drove the CW insane with my phone calls but I would document what he said and then call the CW with each new piece of information.

It was their first time in the "system" so to speak but not the first time out of the home. He though had no filter or needing to feel safe. If we went to the park he told info to other kids and parents, same with every doctor, caseworker, etc that he came into contact with. His sister on the other hand would validate his stories only for me and would not respond to questions from anyone else. We walked a fine line with trying to limit his public telling and wanting him to know that there was nothing for him to be ashamed of.