[BAC4343]

I am frustrated beyond even what words can express. Why don't the "professionals" care about the kids who they call their "caseloads"??? As a foster parent I put my heart out on the line and do my very best to help these kids and then feel like I get a verbal bashing every time I try to advocate for the best of my kids.

Today was no different. Should I be apologizing because I actually care??? My foster kids go on all day visits and they come home starved and thirsty. They don't get their naps. They only get their diapers changed at the end of the visit. When I point out this stuff I get chewed out. I feel like screaming so it doesn't matter that my foster child butt is bleeding for horrible diaper rash. They tell me that's because they can't stop to change them while they are transporting them such long distances. But what about the other 8 hours they are gone. When only one diaper per child is used in that amount of time, I know they aren't getting changed regularly. I almost wished they would quit telling me stuff about visits such as my little one cried almost the whole time and refused to interact with anyone. They then think that maybe they should increase visits more so that the child can get used to it. These visits are unsupervised. Maybe there is a reason the child is so upset. They tell me well we don't really know what goes on because we are just paid to transport them.

The home they are working to transition them to has repeatedly been the cause of these kids and their siblings being abused and put back into foster care. What does it take to end the cycle. I could just scream because I feel like the system is continuing the abuse of these children and no one cares. I am told we do care, but there is nothing we can do. Oh really. You can at least make sure these kids eat, sleep, and get changed can't you. Sorry for the rant, but I am about at the end of my rope. I love my foster kids and it just makes me mad to see them treated like objects instead of human beings.

[MomInCorazon]

I am so sorry. If it helps I get it, we all do. I am in a similar boat right now and I know how much it hurts to see a child you love not getting treated well and that being ok or accepted.

Hang in there and hugs.

[UTbrie]

Yep, it frustrates me to all get out as well. The more you advocate for your child, the more you are seen as one of "those" foster parents with ulterior motives. (such as wanting to adopt the child or sabotaging RU efforts)

But in training, you are told to BE the foster kids parent, advocate for them etc. They WANT you to do that.

That is BS. They don't want you to do that, because it often goes against the case plan or the CW plans to push this case off the books ASAP.

Its pretty sad. I've given up yelling/venting about it every 5 minutes, because it gets old fast.

[TemporaryMom]

Originally Posted by BAC4343

I am told we do care, but there is nothing we can do. Oh really. You can at least make sure these kids eat, sleep, and get changed can't you. Sorry for the rant, but I am about at the end of my rope. I love my foster kids and it just makes me mad to see them treated like objects instead of human beings.

It isn't the fault of the workers. Sure there are horrible workers, some who are heck bent on sending these child back to the bio family because they believe in the myth that bio is always better (yes, I am calling it a myth, it is in my opinion.) But there are a lot of them who DOOOO care but their hands are tied. They are only acting on what their supervisors tell them, who are acting on what their directors are telling them, who are acting on what their agency executives are telling them, who are acting on their interpretation of what the state laws are tell them, that were enacted based on some congress persons' interpretation of what the federal laws are telling them. Oh wait, I left out the judges.

But, they have to believe it all, or how else could they look at themselves in their mirror. I once got into a conversation with my FW and I said something to the effect of that it isn't fair to take the girls from a home where they have so much to return them to a home where they have nothing. I was referring to love, and care, and quality of care. She says "oh, so if that is the case then should my kids be taken from me because a family in xxx [wealthier suburb] makes more money than us?" I just said, "please don't insult my intelligence by arguing semantics to me."

But, i tell you that as an example of the fact that what you and I think is a GOOD home is NOTHING like what the system thinks is a good home. And these workers, regardless of what they THINK is a good home, have to support it. I would not be able to look myself in the mirror sending these children back, or at least advocating to do so, to homes that are so bad, unless I truly believed the afore mentioned myth. So, I think for some of them, they have to convince themselves that the myth is reality in order to keep doing the job.

I bet if you asked 90% of the "long-timers" they'd probably have the same opinion as you and I, but they'd likely not admit that while they were still employed.

[RavenSong]

The social workers I've worked with in the past have all been extremely hard-working and dedicated individuals. Please don't paint all social workers and caseworkers with negative comments. Sure, there are lazy ones, people who should never have been hired in the first place.

You'd be surprised at what a difference it makes when you use honey instead of vinegar when dealing with difficult people.

[Fostermom22]

I agree w/Raven...although I am a SW...

You have to remember that a SW cannot impose their beliefs or standards of living on the families...the Statutes have to be followed. I have been in homes that I would NOT want to live in or stay in for any length of time...however, just because a house is "dirty" or cluttered, etc does not mean that it poses a health risk or a safety concern to a child.

[elizabeth30]

I agree that there should be more respect for the foster parents and the kids in the system. It's a very confusing, twisted system...

[BAC4343]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

The social workers I've worked with in the past have all been extremely hard-working and dedicated individuals. Please don't paint all social workers and caseworkers with negative comments. Sure, there are lazy ones, people who should never have been hired in the first place.

You'd be surprised at what a difference it makes when you use honey instead of vinegar when dealing with difficult people.

I did try the "honey" route in my first year and a half as a foster parent. It doesn't work with my county. All it gets you is more headaches. They just use you more. For example our contract was that we don't have to drive the kids out of the county for visits. Well when I tried the suck up route I had to start driving them to visit extended family members "to help the agency out". I wasted so many days driving 1.5 hours there to wait then 1.5 hours back. Then they started asking me to provide things for the birth family that they couldn't afford like meals and toys. They even talked me into getting professional pictures done of the kids with their family. They just kept going and going. The kids went back and eventually went back into care again. I found that they love to use new foster parents that don't know better.

I do understand that all CW everywhere are not bad, but my county is extremely corrupt. The few CW I have had that actually cared quit within a few months of being hired and they told me the reason was the system was so bad they couldn't work there with a clear conscious. I have even talked to the head of the county protection agency and she agreed with me that the treatment of my kids has been horrible, but she said the system is what it is and there is nothing you can do to change it.

[UTbrie]

I agree with the above poster to a point. My current CW was the same way, conned me into supervising biofamily visits on my own (stated that they are having all FP do that now, and are transitioning away from visitation center!NOT!!!)

However, I had an amazing CW who came out on her day off, to visit the baby I was just placed with to make it easier on me since I was so busy with work and my 5 year old's appt! She was wonderful, even coordinated with the GAL on her own to come at the same time.

I think the CW can definately make or break a case. It makes me very nervous that this is a system with little to no checks/balances or oversight. Supervisors don't seem to really know what's going on either, and tend to side with their co-workers vs. a concerned foster family.

[Rockhound6165]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

You'd be surprised at what a difference it makes when you use honey instead of vinegar when dealing with difficult people.

Pardon my French but are you ****ting me with this comment?

[Rockhound6165]

Originally Posted by Fostermom22

I agree w/Raven...although I am a SW...

You have to remember that a SW cannot impose their beliefs or standards of living on the families...the Statutes have to be followed. I have been in homes that I would NOT want to live in or stay in for any length of time...however, just because a house is "dirty" or cluttered, etc does not mean that it poses a health risk or a safety concern to a child.

Oh really. So in your estimation when a child comes back from a weekend visit and is covered in bed bug bites, it's your 'job' to simply shrug it off? And to think things are supposed to be done in the best interests of the child. Who knew.

[TemporaryMom]

Originally Posted by Rockhound6165

Oh really. So in your estimation when a child comes back from a weekend visit and is covered in bed bug bites, it's your 'job' to simply shrug it off? And to think things are supposed to be done in the best interests of the child. Who knew.

Not to speak for Fostermom22, but I think you are speaking from a place of pain. I get it, I have been there, and I have days that I still am.

What I think she is trying to say is that there are very strict and stringent rules that CWs must abide by, whether they agree with them or not. Certainly there is some culpability on the part of CWs in these regards, we all know many are incompetent, overworked, underpaid, yadda yadda. But at the same time, there are many who do not disagree with many of us foster parents, but they can't admit that. They have to follow the rules of their agency. And it is quite possible that a child returning with insect bites is not a horrific enough of a situation to warrant stopping visitation.

To play devil's advocate, would you find it acceptable for your birth children, if you had them, to be removed from you, even temporarily, if you have bed bugs and the kids get bitten? Of course not! Bed bugs does not equate child neglect and abuse. Lack of action on the bio parent is a concern. At a minimum, there should have been communication between the worker and the bio parent about what happened. Perhaps the parent didn't know that they had bed bugs. Again, I am just playing the devil's advocate here, I don't know the details. But as much as I did NOT want my girls returned, had they come back with bed bug bites, I wouldn't have screamed to the CW. I would have reported it, then went out and purchased covers for their mattresses and sent them on their next visit. When FD2's step-father punched her, that was an entirely different situation. And yes, they were RU one week after that incident, which was NEVER even brought to the attention of the judge.

I think that "we" as foster/adoptive parent collection, have this concept that THE SYSTEM should be acting "in the best interest of the children." But, in a system that believes that 99.9% "the best interest of the children" equates to "returning to birth family" rarely will they set aside the first and foremost goal of Reunification. In fact, the federal law, which stipulates the 15/22 month permanency ruling also sets very strict guidelines and requirements for providing services to birth parents. This is where the "loophole" of the 15/22 happens.

So, to many of us, we think that nobody cares, and we have to own that feeling sometimes, I think, but in reality, I suspect that there are far more CWs out there who think the same as us, that is, as me, that birth families have way too many rights and chances in this system.

The system needs a major overhaul but it won't happen. Why? Because nobody wants to be the person that passes the law that states that birth parents do not have a constitutional right to raise their own prodigy. And that is what needs to happen. We need to STOP treating children as the PROPERTY of their birth parents.

I find it ironic that Lacy Petersen's murderer was convicted also of murdering Conner Petersen, her unborn son, yet my STBAS's birth mother was not charged with criminal charges for physically abusing him en uteri with the usage of dangerous drugs.

[rmsept81]

Originally Posted by UTbrie

Yep, it frustrates me to all get out as well. The more you advocate for your child, the more you are seen as one of "those" foster parents with ulterior motives. (such as wanting to adopt the child or sabotaging RU efforts)

But in training, you are told to BE the foster kids parent, advocate for them etc. They WANT you to do that.

That is BS. They don't want you to do that, because it often goes against the case plan or the CW plans to push this case off the books ASAP.

Its pretty sad. I've given up yelling/venting about it every 5 minutes, because it gets old fast.

All of this. And when you are one of "those" foster parents that care too much who has been upfront and honest about your willingness to adopt your foster kids it's a double whammy.

And you aren't alone about the transporters/visit supervisors being frustrating. The last Visit my kids had the Mom hurt one of them and told the kids not to tell us about it. Yes that's tell traumatized children to cover up more trauma. That ought to be healthy.

Hang in there! And learn to pick your battles. Bloody skin from diaper rash worth bringing up. Missing nap time -not so much.

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Rockhound6165

Pardon my French but are you ****ting me with this comment?

No, I'm not B.S.'ing you with my comment...which I stand by. If you treat a social worker with hostility or antagonism...whether a caseworker or licensing worker...you're not going to be treated very well or even listened to in the end. If you treat them disrespectfully, you're not going to be treated very well in return.

Ever heard the old saying, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" It really does work...

[Road24Ever]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

No, I'm not B.S.'ing you with my comment...which I stand by. If you treat a social worker with hostility or antagonism...whether a caseworker or licensing worker...you're not going to be treated very well or even listened to in the end. If you treat them disrespectfully, you're not going to be treated very well in return.

Ever heard the old saying, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" It really does work...

I agree, however, we have always been respectful to all of the CW's we deal with and I know they are busy, yadda, yadda, yadda. But, when I get my FC back from a weekend visit covered in bed bug bites and not one person involved in the case (CW, sup, law guardian, agency nurse, etc) will return my call to even acknowledge the issue and to advise that they've spoken to the parent about it, I get furious! We, as foster parents, are entitled to full disclosure!