[Iowamommy]

I need to compile a list of questions and things to find out about the foster/adoptive parent that is going to meet with us about our FD...

Help me please!

[digmykids]

Thats difficult. I dont think I have any good questions but maybe let them lead with questions for you? Are you looking to see if they are a good fit or are you looking to see if intentions are in the right place?
I think the more questions they ask you the better because then (to me) it would seem they really want to go into this with eyes wide open!
Good luck!

[StephanieMB]

I've been considering the same thing, since our FS will likely be needing an adoptive home soon.

Although we're not adopting him (not a good forever fit with our family), I still will be very protective of him.

My questions will probably center around what they're looking for in an adopted child. How do they feel about his psychiatric diagnoses? How will they deal with related behavioral issues? Do they have other children? What do those children think of adopting a special needs child? How will extended family accept him?

And then I'll do a lot of careful observing. Also I'll listen between the lines. :-)

As foster parents, I feel strongly that we're incredibly responsible for our fk's future, as it pertains to adoption plans. We could push for DCS to get a certain family just for convenience-sake or for selfish reasons, but it might be disasterous to the child.

[Iowamommy]

Yes! We are in the same situation.

I am a bit upset at this moment. The adoption worker called (never knew it was offically transferred to adoption unit) left a message and three min later the potential adoptive mom called and left a message.
I was told that there would be a large pool of families but the adoption worker recvd her info on Friday afternoon and called me Monday at 9am to say a match had been found....there was no real matching. She just picked this family that she already knows (she placed adoptive placement there a few years ago).
Ugh...

[Sueby]

Just out of curiosity, why would you be upset with the match? Do you know something that AW doesn't about this family? Hopefully the interview will go well and you will be happy with the situation and get the answers you need for your peace of mind, good luck

[alys1]

Not the person you're asking, but... children's needs and personalities differ greatly, and families' personalities, habits, and lifestyles differ greatly. Families are not always a good fit for every child, and vice versa.

For a very hyper child, a family that loves to bike, hike, camp, garden, etc. might be a good fit. For a little girl who wants to be a princess, a family with a mom who loves to do her nails, and wants to buy frilly clothes for a little girl might be a good fit. That same mom might not work well for a little girl who wanted to be an engineer, loved Legos, playing in mud puddles, wearing jeans and striped T-shirts.

For a 10-year-old Catholic child who loves their religion, a Catholic family would be a good fit, someone of another religion probably not. My licensor called me once about a 12-year-old Buddhist boy. He was living with a Christian foster family, who were appalled by his religion, would not help him attend services, and were trying to get him to give up his religion. She felt he deserved better.

I had a foster boy in my home who at 7 was clearly an artist. Placing him with a dad wanting a football hero son might be tragic all round. I had a 5-year-old who was an accomplished thief, lived to cause trouble. He didn't need a family who wanted a placid easy child. I would've asked prospective APs if they were willing to work their tails off to turn him around... for *years*.

Further: one child in my home was placed in pre-adoptive home... they gave up on him in less than 6 months. It was clear as day that he'd fail there. More unsuited match could barely be imagined. I'm sure the family suffered. Imagine the child's suffering on that rejection.

A more literal answer is that we FPs care about the children, we know them better than the SW, and we can usually get a "feel" for if the prospective APs would be a good fit. We're not likely to think that a child's best interests are being served unless a true effort at analyzing families and making a true "match" occurs.

[Iowamommy]

Well said alys1...you must have been in my head.

An effective search for a family and create a pool of 3-4 families that are a "match" and then decide from there as to who would best fit...I guess that is my idea of matching a child to an adoptive home. Adoption worker never talked to us, never even introduced herself other than a voicemail stating that this potential mother would be calling me.

How can you say that a family has been "matched" if you haven't really searched? Perhaps reason for so many disruptions?

[NotDoneYet]

I think a good match goes beyond a "princess" being matched with mom who likes to get her nails done or a football player being matched with a dad who loves sports. While it may be nice to pair those children and parents up those aren't the truly important factors (IMO). I am a very "no fuss" mom when it comes to appearance, I'm in jeans, tshirts/sweathirts with a ponytail probably 95% of the time but I would love a little "princess" and could easily support that (my own dd is girly as can be and even though *I'm* not I love that *she* is). ETA: I'm not trying to pick apart what alys1 said, I agree with most all of what she wrote, I just disagree specifically that "girly" mom wouldn't do well with a tomboy and a football dad couldn't appreciate a son who is an artist.

I think more important is lifestyle in general-an active family would not do well with a child who needs routine and does best staying at home and likewise, a family that stays home a lot wouldn't be as good of a fit with a child who is very active in the community. Also important to consider is parenting style, parenting experience, religion(if child is old enough to have established one) and structure in the home.

[arubagirl]

I didnot think that we as FP can ask AP alot of questions about their intentions. Now if Ad had questions for us about the child i can see that. But i didnot think it was our job to "screen" AP.?

[latinosunshine]

Here fps dont have a say in the match. The SWers pick the match. The FPs just facilitate the relationship.

In our case, the fps would have never chosen us. So Im glad they didnt have a say.

[Jensboys]

For our adoption, the foster parents were given a total veto over any proposed adoptive parents. They were given all our home studies and allowed to attend the "staffing". They knew the kids best, lived with them and had the best sense of what was best for the kids. I am very glad they did

[connie_anne]

I didn't realize that a foster parent would have any say at all in that. I am both a (former) foster parent and an adoptive parent and I have to say when we got our girls there was no other family competing. It had to be a quick placement and we were ready and willing so we were chosen. One of my daughters if very "girly" loves to dress up and do nails etc... and I am not that way at all. Our other daughter (they are bio sibs) is more of a tom-boy - jeans and t-shirt and she's happy. They are both a perfect match for us despite all of our differences. I have one son who is athletic and outgoing and active and another who is academic and introverted. They are both mine biologically - so I would say they are a perfect match too. The differences in our personalities are what makes our family so much fun and unique! That said, I do see Alys1's point, I just think that personality of the child to be adopted is not as big of a deal as the adoptive families willingness to love the child no matter what and stick with him/her for the long haul, their ability to parent a child who is going to have some serious hardships in life, parents who don't just see the child as a cute little two year old but see her as a feisty, moody teenager and are still able to love her with their whole heart..... forever.....