[LittleA]

Just looking for a pick me up. We have a 5 year old (birth) child and after two years of trying to have another baby, started down the adoption road and our home study was approved last March. It's been a rough road so far, and I'm feeling so low right now. in May we were matched with a little girl out of a different state - 7 month old baby girl-, and three months into it, after waiting through the Interstate adoption agreement, one week before baby was going to be transferred to us, the birth father that they said was not eligible was suddenly suitable, so we lost her.

In August we were matched with a 2.5 year old little boy, status just changed to adoption, given very little information, had to decide "right away", was told he was evaluated and was normal to above average in emotional development and gross motor. SW dropped him off to us saying he would get the files to us the next day... well, we found the files in the bottom of a box of his belongings- pages and pages of history of violence and aggression with other children. We were not prepared and within ours he was acting out on us and our child... so he had to go back.

Two weeks ago we we got a call at 5 pm on a friday, were were interested in a newborn being released the next day, healthy, but teenage mom did not know she was pregnant and no prenatal care and on Psychotropic drugs for depression and adhd. Some other stuff too. Parent's ready to sign off and wanted closed adoption. I called my partner, we talked for 10 minutes, decided to go for it, we were so excited! Called worker. Worker said expect a call later to work out details. She called back 5 minutes later, she is so sorry, but another worker was supposed to find a back up family in case we said no, other worker ignored that part and placed his family with baby. We were so mad and heartbroken.

Yesterday we got a call at 4pm, do we want a newborn boy, born drug addicted, 3 weeks in the hospital, 3rd baby to this woman but reunification is the goal. Could not tell us the condition of baby, where mom was in the process. We had to tell them by 5pm. We said no because we just did not have enough information.

I know this is long, but I'm frustrated and tired of this. We've had some really bad luck and I am wondering if it's ever going to work out for us. I am so grateful for our little girl, and all she talks about is how she can't wait for her little brother or sister to arrive. And here we are, one heartbreak after another! Anyway, thanks for listening, I know people have been through worse or have no kids at all, so like I said, I'm happy for what we already have.

[going2bparents]

Oh I feel your pain.

Have you thought about doing private adoption? I hate it when I am asked that question so I hate to ask you. Or just taking low risk or already legally free children?

We are foster/adopt because we really want to work with infants. There is a higher risk they won't stay, but we are going to stick with infants. We are losing all 3 of our kiddos who were supposed to be adoption placements, (boys are still up in the air but I am no longer holding my breath). And it sucks. But I am still holding out because I know one day a little one is going to come that we will adopt. And until then, I can provide a loving, caring home to little ones that need it. Sure I am going to get my heart broken over and over again. But it is worth it because I love being a stay at home mom to these kids that need me.

So back to my orginal question. Ask yourself why you are a foster parent. Is it just to adopt? Or foster as well? Because unless you take a legally free child, nothing is certain. And even then, as you have seen, can sometimes not be what it seems. Can you ask to see files before accepting placement? Because here you can if the child is legally free.

I don't know if this helped at all, but it helped me get my thoughts out! Which is good when I start feeling this way too.

[LittleA]

It does help, thank you. We are actually signed up with an agency that does private adoption and also DCF placements. So we are on a dual track, which is good. I would love for a private adoption to work out, simply because of the risk issue, but it's a very small program and I feel like it will take some time. We are open to low risk or legally free and we would love nothing more than to give a child a good, loving home. It's tough, we're older and we have a child- don't want to put her through having a brother or sister and then losing him or her. What is so hard is the system seems so screwed up, workers have incomplete information, they alway say you have to decide "right now" even though it seems that they've known what they had to do for some time. For instance, the baby last night, born on January 23rd, third baby- why do you call at the last minute and say you need placement in an hour? So frustrating.
Anyway, thanks, and I'm sorry your losing your kids. I hope somehow they get to stay, or that the next one is the "One".