[mommyof2miracles]

We adopted our daughter in May 2011. We have contact with her birthmother's family and have all the family history. I've been desperate to know her birthfather's history as well. We had positive results on paternity test and he was TPR'd on as well since he was MIA but had already been served at prior hearing. I knew somebody who had a private investigator friend who did some digging for me. I was sent a ton of information including relatives, phone numbers, addresses, etc. It also included his nasty criminal record. He's a scary dude based on his charges! I'm torn now as to what to do. I thought maybe I should use the phone of someone who is not close to me, use star 67, make up a fake name and start calling all the contacts I have to try to find someone in his family. I could then get family history and give them an anonymous email address so I could share information just as we do with her birthmother's family. I really don't want him to be any part of her life as he's obviously not safe. I do know she has two adult brothers though. I know this information is important to know and I know that I am closer than I've ever been to getting the information. I'm just terrified to open a can of worms. I guess if I do everything anonymous they would never be able to find me. Advice???

[going2bparents]

My opinion? Leave it be. I am adopted and don't know anything about my birthfather or his history. He is adopted too. And it doesn't matter. My DR's work with my personal history. My birth parents don't make me who I am.

So I would leave it alone. Just my opinion!

[Kezs]

I would gather whatever you have and set it aside. You have enough information to find him later if you need to. When your DD is older she can decide if she wants to know him. Getting to know him now won't benefit her because she is too young, and could put you all in danger.

Also, if the birthfather ever does want contact, he can always try to find out through the birthmom. If he doesn't want contact, all it would do is cause you problems.

Just my opinion. Good luck!

[mythreesonsjmo]

If you are concerned for medical reasons, cross that bridge if it comes to it. There will most likely not be any reason that you need to have his family history unless there is some kind of genetic medical or mental condition that comes up. So like the PP said, keep the info in case you need it in the future, but let it go for now. She doesn't need it, and there is no reason to get all upset or anxious about it.

[RavenSong]

I wouldn't lie to people on the phone, and I wouldn't use the *67 to block my caller ID. For what it's worth, I NEVER even take phone calls anymore from people who are blocking their caller IDs.

[elk134]

I agree with others, take the information and store it away for now. Later when your daughter is older, she can do some searching if she wants. She may have no desire to and then you haven't opened that can of worms.

We have no paternal medical history for our AD either, and given the situation, it doesn't bother me one bit. I do know how to get into contact with his famiy if I wanted (and him too for that matter as he is in jail). He has a long scary criminal history going back over 10 years. I'll confess, I secretly hope DD wants nothing to do with him when she's older. She will know *about* him and his history in appropriate ways. But if she does want to find him, I will support her and help her, and I will have some information for her to start with.

[mommyof2miracles]

I guess I should mention that this really has NOTHING to do with her birthfather. He's in jail most of the time. She has two brothers on his side (both adults). It would be nice to have the same kind of communication we have with her other 5 siblings (I have pictures and email communication).

In regard to medical history, it is extremely important. As a leukemia nurse, we have adopted patients who come in and it's catastrophic when they have no family history or knowledge and contact with siblings. Those siblings could save their lives. The chance of this happening is slim to none, but I think it's important to get information if available. I'm sure their adoptive parents thought the same thing until it happened to them. Also having pretty rare genetic disorders myself, I cannot imagine not having family history to help me be diagnosed. I would have never been tested as early if we hadn't known my family had history.

I also have only anonymous communication with all birth family. They know my first name, but we use anonymous email address for communication. Our daughter's situation was never really a foster/adopt situation. No visits, fast tracked and birthmom and birthdad MIA. I only have communication with the birthmother's family because I did the same investigating I did for birthdad. I've never had any communication with birthmom either. She's not safe. The only thing that makes me nervous about birthdad is that his criminal history is worse and I don't even know if he knows for sure our daughter is his. He knows they did paternity and they served him that day just to be on the safe side, but he vanished before caseworker gave him the results. I'm sure his family doesn't even know she exists. This birthdad only showed up one time. They had absolutely no information on him. I don't even know his ethnicity for sure. I would love to be able to tell my daughter she's half Mexican and half whatever he is. Not just you are half Mexican and half I don't know.

I know many people grow up not knowing, but I feel it's important to know if you can know. I will hold the information until she's old enough to understand. I have pics of all her siblings she's never seen yet. Their adoptive mother isn't interested in a relationship at this point since they are all young. We will see what the future holds.

My husband thought maybe getting a disposable phone to make the initial phone calls would protect us and her. All further communication would go through the anonymous email we set up.