[MamaTay]

We took our first foster placement last week. I have been reading this forum for about a year and a half now. I thought I would just know everything if I ever got a placement. (which my county told me never to expect) Now that I am a new foster parent to a teenager, I am second guessing myself right and left! My first instinct is to treat him just like I would any other teen in my care. Trust him till he gives me a reason not to. Let him have privileges as long as he gets his work done. But every time I say "Yes" to one of his requests I find myself thinking, "Would the CW be OK with that?" I have asked his CW a few questions to clarify restrictions but haven't gotten any answers yet. In PRIDE they train you on the basics of what to expect with foster, and I understand they can't train you for every circumstance, but I feel lost! I need a user manual!

For those of you who have teens. Do they typically have restrictions on what friends they can see and who's houses they can go to to "hang" and such?

[phxmama]

I have had kids with restrictions and without. The ones without were from out of county. The ones with restrictions on friends (i.e. other teens) were because of being on probation which forbids them to have contact with other kids on probation.
I have always been told that I am the parent and I need to use my judgement. If I am going to consent to them going to friends houses, I want to know what exactly I am consenting to---that is why I insist on meeting the kids AND their parents/guardians and seeing the house, if they are going to a friends house. I do not care if they have been friends forever---I explain that now I am responsible and I need to be okay with it. I also do not let friends stay at my home without meeting their parent/guardian or at least have a conversation (if they are only coming over for a little bit.) You do have to realize while many of their firends are perfectly okay, it is also likely that some of their friends come from very similar situations as the situation your FS was in.

[Mommyforever]

If you have raised teens in the past use that as a guide. Each teen is individual to a point but they have very common ground. Read each case over and over to get as much history as they give and then throw in allot of salt because facts are left out. That being said

We don't allow hanging, we require specifics such as "going to Tim's to play b'ball I will be home in an hour" etc. They all have access to a phone so....Call us with requests, be on time and be careful. We work hard at teaching communication, expectations and consequences. If they choose to have friends who are breaking rules and/or laws it will be very apparent very soon. This is when you have discussions and may have to draw lines.

This is not a matter of control It is a matter of communication and thinking before making a choice. Example "If I'm late I will loose my phone for a day? Is it worth it?" Many Foster Teens have not been taught this skill and I find this to be our job. I tell them this all of the time and they get it.

This is because we care for them and I believe this to be my calling. I am their teacher, Mom and protector. We have rules in place and use these as major guidelines. They are not set in stone and we bend them when the need arrises.

99.9% of our issues have been communication based but we don't have medical or mental challenging teens.

I tell my children that their future Teacher, Spouse, Children will thank me for teaching them how to communicate.

[Rosey23]

First off let me say, you can do this!!! I know, first time parents with a 16 year old boy.

Step 1 - stop second guessing yourself! You need to be confident in yourself and humble enough to admit if you've made a mistake. Teens respect that, they may never say that out loud but I truly believe they do.
Step 2 - do you have rules? With teens we have a rule list with a lot of blanks and go through with the teen so it is more of a conversation than laying out the rules. Know which ones you are set in and which you have some flexibility. i.e. bed time, I want 10, teen wants 10:15 I give them 10:15 and then it is their time. I'd be happy to send you mine if you PM me.

When you are saying yes and second guessing are you saying yes right away? When my teen asks for something I like to ask a lot of questions back and give myself time to think about it. We are first time parents and use that to are advantage and openly say we need more time to think.

Do you have his history? Is there reason to be concerned about him? My recent kiddo came with a lot of rules.

We are the over protective parents - we tell kiddo from day one we meet all friends and friends parents. Encourage them to spend time at your home, make it comfortable for his friends to come over if you can. Embarrassing? Well, it's our job as parents to embarrass you sometimes. Well, we care about you enough to want to know who you are spending time with.

Hang in there... you can do this and you have our support.

[MamaTay]

Rosey: Yes. The times I am second guessing are the times I have said yes right away and then think. Doh! I should have asked .......

There is nothing in his past to indicate he not be trusted. On the contrary, all indications show that he has been taking care of himself admirably well beyond what he should have had to. We have set down some rules. They are very basic rules but they are rules. He has been more than willing to comply with them and has communicated far more than I have asked for. I think that is why I have gone with that gut of trusting him so much. The times he has gone to his friends were for specific things. (Superbowl, school sporting event) So I guess I shouldn't call it "hanging".

MommyForever: This is my first really parenting experience with a teen. I have had my nieces for short times before but my son is 11 and a very socially immature 11 at that.



Thank you guys for the advice. Very helpful. I think I am going to sit down with him and get a list of friends and their numbers so I at have those on-hand to start with. I have been just letting him carry our spare cell to communicate with him. I may even make myself a little list of things I need to ask him when he asks me permission to go somewhere. Then I can be on auto pilot and know I have touched all the necessary bases.

Seriously grateful for this forum. It isn't like I can go to my friends and say, hey, how do you handle...

[Mommyforever]

You are on the right track. For you to take the time to ask, inquire and be there for him really does mean something to him. It really takes allot off of his shoulders.

Keep Up The Good Mommying