[Kezs]

I wouldn't normally have ever disclosed this, but I need support so badly!

Background:

My DD is actually my adopted stepdaughter. I have raised her as my own, and I am the only Mommy she knows. However, since we have done foster care it has really made her understand and question things about her past. She was in foster care when she was a baby due to her BMom doing drugs while pregnant. BMom was DH's ex-girlfriend, and gave birth in another state while he was deployed. We got her back as soon as he got back and we could finish the caseplan and homestudy. BMom disappeared after she gave up her rights when she realized that she couldn't get any money or things from us. We offered cards, letters, and visits, but she just vanished. I adopted shortly afterwards, and we have always answered DD's questions in an age-appropriate manner.

BMom emailed a few months ago, demanding "her rights" to pictures of DD. We sat down with DD (we felt she was old enough to make the decision on contact) and explained what BMom wanted. DD asked us to "make it all go away for now." We offered to allow the BMom to send a box of pictures, family tree, a letter for DD, ect, but said we would not send any information about DD. She didn't even bother answering other than to send a scathing email on why she should get what she wanted and how DD's opinion didn't matter. So, no box for DD.

Here is where I need support:

Last night, my DD asked me about her BMom, and why she didn't want her. We answered as best we could, but it was so hard because the BMom is a real piece of work. No matter how hard we tried we just couldn't hide that entirely, because DD is very smart and has seen foster care through us doing it.

She cried, heartbroken, and these were her reasons...because she couldn't understand why she is the most important thing in our lives, but she wasn't to her Bmom. She cried because she knew her BMom did drugs, and didn't stop even though she was pregnant with her. She cried because she didn't understand why she didn't try as hard as us to get her back. She cried because we offered to let BMom send her stuff, and BMom didn't. She just cried in my arms.

I am Mommy...but I can't protect her from this!!!!

How on earth am I going to ever handle this with DD? And with all of my other STBA-children? To watch their hearts break, knowing that there is no way to prevent it? To see the pain, 5 times, and not be able to do anything...it is going to be so hard. My heart is breaking for her and what the others will go through, and there is no way I can protect any of them from it.

What do I do? Is there any way to protect them from this pain? I know there probably isn't, but I wish there was. I would do anything to keep them from having to hurt like this.

[Fostermom22]

Keeping things age appropriate is the big thing...due to her age you could also explain that bmom did love her and showed it by giving up her rights so that you could adopt her and be the mom she deserves.

I don't know that I would say a 6 yo is old enough to decide about contact...maybe face to face visits, but sending a picture of her isn't something I would let a child that age decide...just me though.

If your DD continues to have difficulties with this all it may be a good idea to look at some play therapy for her to help handle the emotions and process the information she has been given.

Good Luck!

[lifechanges]

I completely understand what you are going through. I am fostering my niece and nephew. My nephew is young and doesn't completely understand what is going on, on the other hand my niece is a very bright 6 y/o. We to have tried to answer her questions at a very age appropriate level. I hate that I can't make it all go away and be better for them. But I have learned just trying to be open and honest with them (again age appropriate) and always trying to make sure they know we love them and will always be here for them no matter what they go through or feeling. And also just telling them that sometimes parents want to do better for their children than they can do, and it's not the child's fault... Just my two cents...I don't think there is a right answer though, it's painful no matter what and unfair especially to the poor children who go through these situations. You just can't enforce enough how much you love her and will be there for her no matter what.

[ImpactingLives]

I'm not here yet...but my bios do as why our AD's mom didn't want her (as they see other kids moms fight like heck to get their kids back and they don't think AD's mom fought).

What I tell them is that AD's mom did want her back and she did the best she could at the time. I say that drugs are very powerful and they change the way people's brains work. I tell them that if she wasn't using drugs she would have done more. When they ask why she didn't just quit doing drugs I tell them that using drugs is a disease and that quitting is hard thing to do an not everyone is successful at quitting. We have had the unfortunate position of losing several friends to cancer and have several friends survive cancer. I tell them just like we can't fault XYZ for losing her battle with cancer we can't fault AD's mom for losing her battle with drugs.

Is it the whole truth...probably not, but it is the gist of why she's not in our lives.

I tell my bio kids because they are old enough that when my AD is curious, I want them to have answers too. I can see my girls in 10 years sitting on their beds at night talking about stuff like this. My then 10yo will ask my then 16yo what she remembers and I want my oldest to have something to say other than "your mom was a junkie and couldn't get her act together to parent you."

[greenrobin]

(((kezs)))

(((kezs' baby girl)))

the truth is that all people will hurt. it's a sad truth. sadder still is when our children hurt.

and your little girl's truth is tough.

you cannot protect her from feeling this pain. sadly, it's hers to process.

you did the best thing--you allowed her to cry in your arms.

i'm sure you told her the story in age appropriate terms. our own kids' first mom has/had drug and alcohol issues. what i tell my own 6 yr old daughter when she asks is that Barbie made choices that were not safe for her and Bubba, that she had addiction issues that did not let her think clearly about her choices, and that i love her and her brother very much. i know that their mom loves them (and you may or may not know that about your child's other mother), so i tell them that she does. then, if tears happen, i hold them.

i believe that kids should know the reasons for where they are.

i know a young lady who, at 6, made a decision about seeing her first parents. her choice was to cut off contact. she's 14 now. some kids ARE old enough to know what they want.

i think the important thing here is that you continue to pour love and understanding into your girl. that's never a wrong decision. additionally, continue to reassure her that you will protect her and honor her wishes--even if that means that some day she decides to change her mind. then leave that door open. she may be adamant now about no contact but later want or need to know more.

protect her. love her. cherish her. she needs to know that the choice was her mother's and had ZERO to do with her worth.

then remember that you are doing the best you can with what you've been given. we're all kind of feeling our way through this. if what you do is done in love--and it was--then you'll generally make the right decisions for your family.

[HDMom]

Beautifully said Green Robin.

[Kat-L]

Aww..My older daughter has the same questions as your daughter. It's so horrible that we can't protect our children from the pain. I'm glad your daughter has an understanding Mom & Dad who are honest with her, are compassionate and loving towards her and want the best for her.

[going2bparents]

I agree with what Impactinglives and greenrobin had to say. I can also speak from your daughter's perspective as I am adopted myself. And my parent didn't fight for me. Gave up and walked away. That's hard to come to terms with as we think, why didn't they love me? Why didn't they love me enough? What's wrong with me? And that is just a few of the things that run through your mind....

First, be loving and honest. Don't make her bmom out to be the bad guy. But also explain that she has an illness. But it doesn't mean she doesn't love your daughter. But sometimes love just isn't enough.

I can't stress enough the honesty portion. And how when a person choses drugs, it makes them sick and incapable of focusing on anything else. That doesn't mean she wasn't loved or wanted.

She is going to be sad. So hold her, tell her how special she is because she has 2 moms that love her so much. She needs to know how much she is loved and wanted. And sometimes when you love someone, you have to walk away so they can have a better life. The ultimate sacrifice. What a wonderful gift of love her birthmom could give her - and that's you.

[hkolln]

It's a hard lesson to learn at such a young age

The best thing you can do is be there for her supporting her feelings, etc...explain to her that people make poor choices when they are on drugs, however she made a very GOOD choice to let you adopt her so she could have a stable life free of drugs and her poor choices. Don't make bmom out to be evil or a terrible person, only a person who made poor choices but tried to make them right by signing away her rights. Just cause she did this doesn't mean she wanted to abandon her, only that she loved her enough to let her go, and that when she gets older she will understand.

I wish you the best. That is a hard place to be. I adopted our niece and she asks me alot of questions similar to this. I am 100% honest with her on anything I can and if I can't I tell her "I just don't know." Some questions her bmom will have to answer.

[Kezs]

Thank you so much everyone. It just breaks my heart to see her hurting. Now I know what I will have to see all 5 of my children go through this, and it is so hard to face.

We try our best to be age appropriate, and answer as much as we can, but also be honest. She asked if she could see her when she is older, and I said yes...and she asked if she would have to go alone. She was so happy when I promised her that my DH and I would go with her.

She isn't ready now, but some day she will be. As long as we give her all of the facts truthfully I think she will be able to face the things the BMom will try to tell her and put her through. We saved everything from the hearings, so when she is older that will probably help too.

[Jensboys]

It IS very hard. My 17 year old is really processing this right now. And what has helped is for us to talk about it in terms of what our younger children have gone through. He has much more understanding that THEY didn't deserve any of what happened to them than he does for himself. BUT at the same time, it has helped him to process it. He KNOWS without a shadow of a doubt that we have supported contact, and he KNOWS that we support him. We just keep reiterating.

I asked him the other day as we folded a load of laundry together if he thought there was anything I could do to soften the pain for his little sisters (now almost 3 and almost 4) from the way their bmom is just simply not interested in them. He said, "No. No matter what they will feel rejected. All you can do is love them too". And I know he was speaking to himself.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by Kezs

We saved everything from the hearings, so when she is older that will probably help too.

We have our daughters entire CPS file here and I told her when she's 18 she can have the entire file to possibly helps her understand. Until then all I can do is be completely honest and support her feelings. It's hard to watch them hurt

[JessicaBaker]

I just think it's so important that you're being honest and allowing her to talk about her feelings. Good job mama!

My six year old AD is struggling a bit in school. We had a little talk about how everyone has strengths and weaknesses, focusing on the many things she does so well. Then we talked briefly about how her birthmom did drugs during pregnancy and how this can affect brain development for the baby possibly leading to trouble learning. Two or three big tears rolled down her cheeks. It just broke my heart.

[millie58]

I told mine that bmom's brain was sick; I don't know if they could understand drug addiction. I explain that if her brain wasn't sick, they'd be with her. I'm also trying to work with them on forgiveness.... we're taking baby steps.

[greenrobin]

my son, at age 4, knew the street names for the drugs his mother took. he knew she was different when she took them. he knew rehab. he knew that there was a problem. we intoduced him to the word addiction and tried our best to explain it.

i don't know that i fully understand it. i've never lived with one.

what he didn't understand was the mental illness aspect in all of this. his mom was diagnosed. it didn't need to prevent her from completing her case plan, just like her addictions didn't need to. she just didn't have the.....maybe strength? personal resources?........to break free of one to work on the other.

he knows that as well. so does his 6 year old sister. it's more real to him because he remembers living with his first mom. little sister doesn't. for her it's not as gut-level, so she strggles with the understanding of it.

i'm all for loving, honest, gentle communication about the truth of the situation. i try to deliver the information with as much compassion as i can. the thing is that my son loves and misses his mother in a very visceral way. my daughter's feelings at this time are more of a wish to know. it could all change this afternoon. just trying to figure out what to say and how to say it is difficult! more power to anyone who finds the right words for their kid!