[Doggymom]

This is according to my in laws. They think we should have waited longer to foster after adopting our kids. The four we have in our home get along very well. We have had no issues besides the small he took my toy so minor. Anyways my mom says I dont know how you do it, you must be stretched thin...Really? My parents had four kids and both worked full time.
My kids get all of me. I stay at home. My AD has school in the afternoons. Everything runs pretty smoothly. I don't lean on family much my mom has babysat one time for us to go look at vans. I don't feel overwhelmed maybe they are projecting how they would feel onto my situation? My AD was used to being in foster families with many kids and so was my son. I will say that most people who know me well feel like this is a calling for me what I love to do and have waited for years to have. Anyone else? I guess when things are well the house looks good kids are happy I don't like the negativity. We even bought a van so I have room! Thanks for reading friends.

[Kezs]

My family is like this. They can't handle all 5 for an afternoon without being worn out and overwhelmed, so they can't imagine how we can handle them with both of us working full time. Of course we must not be taking as good of care of the kids as if we had less...because they can't do it!

They aren't there for the routine, structure, and quiet times. They are there for the rowdy "OH MY GOD GRANDMA IS HEEERRREEEEE!!!!" part. The kids are excited and hyped up, and probably getting sugar from them too. Plus, it's a shock to go from your quiet house to a house FULL of kiddos!

You have to do what is right for you though. Your children aren't being short-changed if they are loved and taken care of. The Grandparents will come around, just give them time and do what is best for your family.

[Fostermom22]

I think each person knows their own limits (or should) and family and friends sometimes do not understand how we can do what we can do so to speak. If you do not feel overwhelmed then you are fine.

[Biblemom]

People said that to me a lot. Up until a few nights ago I had 5 kids ages 5-9. Two had RAD/PTSD, one RAD/ADHD. Life to me was just normal. I handled it and didn't see it as that stressful. It was just my life. I was used to it. Now that my FD has gone (with us 8 months).... I get it. The stress level took a major nose dive and I didn't even realized that I was that stressed! It is hard to see life while you are living it. Once things changed for me, I can see how crazy things really were.
I am sure your mom's heart is in the right place. Just keep in mind she might being seeing things in a way that you are not able to currently see it.

[BAC4343]

You have to do what you feel is best. I know it can get tricky with inlaws. Mine weren't very excited about our decision to foster-to-adopt, but now that we have the kids they love them to death. You are the one that will be providing the care for them and if you are up to it, go for it. Many times in life when I have gone for big things like grad school and adopting, I have had many people including family advising against it. You have to do what you feel is right and live with no regrets.

[Howdy]

Originally Posted by Doggymom

...I don't like the negativity. ...

LOL, I get the feeling the in-laws found a "button"!

I've been reading about the social skill of accepting feedback. I myself do not have that skill at all! The article (which is about being a good foster treatment parent) says not to respond with arguments and reasons why you are correct as you are, but to make eye contact, be appreciative of the feedback, ask for clarification about what they think needs improvement (not in a defensive attitude, but open to considering it).

I've read about some counties that require the newly adoptive family to wait for a time period before resuming foster care. I don't know when that is good or not.

I would guess there are times when it works great to continue fostering right away, and there are times when it does shortchange the first children. In particular I think of story where a child had only half a brain and the mom devoted hours a day to enrichment exercises/stimulation activities and the child was virtually normal thanks to all the effort. If that mom had been an adoptive mom, and if her dream had been of having several children, and if she had continued to add children and left the half brain child to just live with that disability, then that would have been shortchanging that child.

So, although superficially your arguments and reasons sound very valid, without knowing the specifics of how your in-laws feel the first children are being short-changed, I wouldn't feel comfortable saying 'you go girl' about the resumption of fostering.

[CRAZY_WOMAN]

If u feel fine raising 4 kids,even though some of your kids are adopted,Everything is going smooth,then I don't see a problem.I wouldn't worry about what people have to say.

[ladyjubilee]

Originally Posted by Fostermom22

I think each person knows their own limits (or should) and family and friends sometimes do not understand how we can do what we can do so to speak. If you do not feel overwhelmed then you are fine.

I actually disagree. I watch too many foster and adoptive parents gather children to assume that everyone knows their own limits. Sadly, I had a very clear reminder of this over the holidays. A child in a family that always says they have room for one more---that there's always enough love to go around---and the parents really feel they give all the kids attention---cry on my shoulder about feeling like there was never any support or attention. Frankly, I didn't even know this kid and just happened to be standing there when the kid started, well, spilling out heartache. Thing is, I know "of" the family and parents. They would have been wise to listen to some of voices saying to slow down---before just about every child in their care ended up hospitalized.

So, no, I don't think we all know our limits. I think we need to be able to listen to the voices around us and take time for real self reflection becuase if we don't, there are real consequences for the children. Maybe in this case after the self reflection the response is dismissal, but I don't feel it should be out of hand dismissal.

After all these years, I'm past the point that if someone wants to adopt or foster they should get to do so. I really feel we should all stop and ask ourselves daily if we're "the" best option for the child or at least the best "available".

[jeni-b]

While I agree we don't ALL recognize our limitations, I don't feel projecting our opinions onto a thriving family is constructive.
I have friends who think we are nuts to have 4 kids and a revolving door at times. To me it's just normal and feels easy. They don't feel I'm struggling but still voice their negative comments. I think that is the difference. Voicing out of true concern and saying something just to run at the mouth.

[digmykids]

My mom has said that too but I do know where it's coming from. We were smack in the middle of 2 (at different times) dificult cases with kids with MAJOR behaviors and at the tail end of last year I got very sick and landed in the hospital for a few days. That was NOT related to the kids as it was an actual illness but she worries that I spend time doing for others and not enough time doing for me.
Thing with me is, if I'm doing for others then that is for me.
When my mom says that, I dont look at it as a negative, I take it as she loves me and cares that I am taking care of me as well as the children that are in my home (foster and otherwise)

[hopefulandwatching]

I believe that for some it is just plain a calling...I'm not convinced it is for everyone...but, when it is...it fits...I raised four children myself, before we fostered...my boys are all older...but, we did four and it was fine. (and we had one with ADHD and one that was ADD and one with Auditory Perception difficulties)...right now we have two babies...and people think we are nuts! Imagine what they would say if I told that that DCFS just told us they would be happy to provide services to support our family if we would consider taking our FS sibling(due in August) if, in fact, that child comes into care as they suspect!!! (Actually, I know what one of them would say...it was my sister and she reacted immediately with "Oh, come on now!"...which tells me pretty clearly that she is not someone I am going to process with while we pray over this and make the decision. First of all, people have triplets, it happens...it can be managed...second...we don't know if FD is staying or not and while we don't want to disrupt...we DO want to have FS sibling here as we are moving towards hopeful adoption of our FS...it's a season...they are small for a short time...and I am home and have the time, energy and experience to do it...one day at a time.

Hang in there Doggymom...you know what is best in your home...if you look around and everyone is happy...then you have reason to continue just as you are! It IS a calling for you...obviously! =D

[Doggymom]

Originally Posted by Howdy

LOL, I get the feeling the in-laws found a "button"!

I've been reading about the social skill of accepting feedback. I myself do not have that skill at all! The article (which is about being a good foster treatment parent) says not to respond with arguments and reasons why you are correct as you are, but to make eye contact, be appreciative of the feedback, ask for clarification about what they think needs improvement (not in a defensive attitude, but open to considering it).

I've read about some counties that require the newly adoptive family to wait for a time period before resuming foster care. I don't know when that is good or not.

I would guess there are times when it works great to continue fostering right away, and there are times when it does shortchange the first children. In particular I think of story where a child had only half a brain and the mom devoted hours a day to enrichment exercises/stimulation activities and the child was virtually normal thanks to all the effort. If that mom had been an adoptive mom, and if her dream had been of having several children, and if she had continued to add children and left the half brain child to just live with that disability, then that would have been shortchanging that child.

So, although superficially your arguments and reasons sound very valid, without knowing the specifics of how your in-laws feel the first children are being short-changed, I wouldn't feel comfortable saying 'you go girl' about the resumption of fostering.

I think that what my step mil said bothered me a lot because she had an affair with fil when my dh was young. He left his wife and three kids to be with her. Sheis much younger than fil. My dh has had almost no relationship with his father since she married him. We went to his retirement party because we always try to support family and she told me that she thinks I am sort changing my kids. She was tipsy and takes lots of meds so it shouldn't have pthered me I guess I feel like she has no room to judge me and my family choices when I consider the way she had no Concern for my hubs or his sibs.. I put my all into my kids..

[tnlmommy2b]

I know the feeling although in my case as pp said my parents said it out of concern for me and DH not believing we would not provide the children with the best possible care. We are in the adoption process of our 2 yr old STBAS who just survive life threatening cardiac surgery 3 months ago. The main reason they were concerned is we are potentially matched with a sibling group of 5 including a 1 and 2 yr old. That would essentially leave me with triplets with 18,24. And 32 month olds plus a 4,7,&8 yr old. We are young and just bought our first home (a large farm that needs lots of work). I think they are just afraid of the stress we are taking on. But at the same time I know they are there in a moments notice if we need them. And as far as raising your 4 if you are comfortable and they know they are loved and are happy kiddos I wouldn't worry. My mom had four kids in four years and we were all raised as happy healthy attached children. My parents both worked full time and my Dad traveled 75% of the year so mom was a single parent ALOT. And while I understand some pp concerns that with multiple kiddos at home sometimes a special needs child slips through. My sister has severe learning disabilities to the point she can't read. My mom raised all of us and still got her everything she needed spending hours every week spending one in one studying time with her. In elementary school they said she would never graduate high school now she is halfway through her masters on honors. You know what is best for you and your family.