[pezcmw03]

I recently learned that a friend of mine is in a domestic violence situation with her live in boyfriend (they live in her house). I used to be a very close friend and we would see each other several times a week. The last two years, it has been only a few times a year. I want to help her and her daughter (age 10) but I don't know what to do.

When talking with her, she makes excuses for his behavior, blames herself, etc. She will not kick him out (for more than a day) and is trying to have a baby with him now. I am scared for her and terrified for her daughter. I can't even imagine if she does get pregnant and the abuse continues. I am at a loss for how to help my friend and her daughter. I can't make her leave the guy, and think it is awful that she lives this life. Any ideas?? I just need to do something!!

[lifechanges]

That's very sad when you hear of these types of situation. I don't know if there is anything you can do to help your friend if she's not willing to be helped...she is an adult an unfortunately can make her own decisions, even if they are horrible. Although I would definitely report it to a child protective agency if there is abuse going on with her daughter or even if front of her. No child should have to live through that, in my opinion. Good luck and I hope your friend does what's best for her, or if not at least her daughter.

[heidi6409]

I went through this with my bff from high school. I offered all sorts of help, even offering her help with rent somewhere to be able to leave him. I spend countless hours/years listening to her complain about his behaviors and things he said to her that were totally wrong. I listened, tried to be there for her, offered financial support if she left him, etc. It goes on and on. I gave her books on DV and the cycle they perpetuate. Nothing helped. I think she likes being the victim in some sick way. She has since found new people to feel sorry for her and she is still with him. My friend would say she would definitely leave him if he cheated on her. So, it was ok for him to hit her, call her names, control the money, etc, but if he cheated, then that was the last straw. Crazy talk, huh. I hope your friend will listen to you and get help, but don't be surprised if she doesn't They usually have a bottom they have to reach to want to change their situation.

[MomInCorazon]

My best friend (who is also a family member) has been "trying to get out" of an abusive relationship for 8 years. It is so painful to watch and beyond frustrating. I have gotten support from this site and recommend it highly: How can I help a friend or family member who is being abused? « National Domestic Violence Hotline

[RavenSong]

I would give her the name and phone number of the closest women's shelter. I would also point out to her that she could easily end up having CPS removing her daughter from the home if she chooses to stay with an abusive partner. Many, many women have lost their children to foster care for much less...

[alys1]

The best advice I've ever read for understanding the situation is here, from Dr. Joe Carver, the first article has been wildly popular and translated into many languages. None of these is a magic wand, though.
Originally published as "The Loser: How to Tell if You're Dating a Loser". Now titled: Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationships". Details how to be safe when leaving a "Loser" (abusive partner: Untitled Document

Love and Stockholm Syndrome

[CelticMomma]

Which is a very hard to take. I have a very good friend who has been in and out of an abusive relationship for the past couple of years. It has destroyed her life, her rights to her children and her mental and emotional stability yet she returns to him time and time again.

In her case there is a long family history of the same behavior. I am not making any type of excuse but sometimes those learned behaviors are the hardest to break. This is a highly educated, beautiful, has the whole world ahead of her woman yet she can't "let go" of the idea of a life and family with him.

He has been in and out of jail, violated protection orders, violated his probation and terms of release yet I am sure that he will spend very little time behind bars for the last incident. While I am not saying that it is society's job to protect her when she refuses to protect herself, I would at least like to see some harsher penalties for repeat offenders.

I've tried many of the pp suggestions including the mentioned article which is as stated wonderful. She agrees with it, can see it, can rationalize it, and tell you what she has lost and what the costs have been, yet she then takes him back. They both come from violent and abusive childhoods and I truly feel like she identifies so strongly with him that she can't turn him away because she wouldn't want others to turn her away.

I've had to learn to be supportive in the ways I can and to be honest and vocal about what I cannot support, encourage or condone. And as mandatory reporters she knows that if I see him with her or near her children I will report it. Somehow our friendship has survived and I would encourage you to be there in any way you can that works for you but not to compromise your values or yourself.

[CaddoRose]

Make contact with your local women's shelter or abuse center and talk to them. They know how to approach these situations in a way that makes it more likely the abused person would leave and not go back.

[elk134]

I don't have any advice on how to help your friend. She does have to want to leave. But one of the reasons our very first foster placement was removed was because of domestic violence. The kids did not go back home, they were adopted. I hope your friend can find the help and support she will need for the sake of her daughter.

(((Hugs)))