[Is8enough]

Has anyone adopted a child that had been in a foster home for a long time(over a year)? How was the transition for this child and how did they do with the loss of their previous foster family? Any long term effects from the move? What kind of transition was it?

[ajjhmf]

My son was in care for 4 years with the same foster home the whole time. He was 4 at placement with us. Our transition was not slow because of his RAD brother and the foster family. The move was hard on him because he didn't understand. As he's aged, we've learned the home was very neglectful and he now has a lot of anger toward them. Looking back, I think the faster transition was actually better because it got him out of there and really pushed his attachment to us. Each case is different though.

[Is8enough]

Wow 4 years is so long to be in a foster home. I wonder why so long and they didn't adopt. How long did the transition last?

[Jensboys]

Our sons were adopted at ages 3 and 4. They had been in the foster home exactly 3 years. Our physical transition was one week long, however before that I sent a video of our home and family (house, bedrooms, my voice) and a photo album.

Foster family showed the video every day to the kids and read the book with them for about 3-4 weeks before we showed up.

The first day we went to foster home and met the kids, and foster parents - and just essentially looked around and played.

The next day we picked the kids up with foster mom and went out together for a while, then she left us. The kids returned to their foster home for supper and bed time. The day after that we picked them up, returning to foster home to VISIT later in the day and then they stayed with us at the hotel. We repeated that for the next two days before flying home. 8 months later we returned to finalize.

We had ongoing and regular (almost daily at first) contact with foster mom when we got home which was INCREDIBLY helpful. She was very supportive, willing to talk to the boys on the phone and remind them that she loved them and wanted them to be happy. She was a HUGE support.

[ajjhmf]

Originally Posted by Is8enough

Wow 4 years is so long to be in a foster home. I wonder why so long and they didn't adopt. How long did the transition last?

Bmom appealed and won. She got a new case plan to not work and the kids got more time in care. As to why they didn't adopt, they said it was because they just didn't feel called to adopt him and his brother. They're case was complicated though and in the end the boys we split and we adopted J while D went to a therapeutic home. The foster home was placed on probation as well. It was a failure of the system really. They should have never been in that home that long.

I wanted to add that like Jensboys we did a picture album for each of the boys and the foster family did help prepare them. J called me "Mommy" from day 1. Mostly because he thought that was my name. Took a long, long time for it to be real.

[Mama2Gia]

Curly was in her previous foster home for 18 months. Because her FPs were with our agency we saw her at monthly FP meetings (which we were both at about every other month,) Christmas parties, picnics and other events. We were not strangers to her when she transitioned here but if she saw us she probably would remember our faces but not our names. Her transition took 1 month total. We started with a play date with both of our families at an indoor playland, then her foster family came down to my family's boat and hung out, they visited our house, and then a week after the first playdate we started overnights. The first overnight we had her for a long weekend. She spend the next three weekends with us and the 4th weekend she never went back.
It was hard but it is still hard. The transition itself wasn't too bad. She is a fairly easy kid and that made it so much better. We did have contact with the foster family but there were issues there. I have posted about it before but for all the time they had her we got very little in the way of pictures, info (first words, favorite things, stuff that would go in a life book) and it really made me angry. The more people I talked to- law guardian, visiting nurse, pediatrician ect- the less "good- feeling" i was about them. No one had kind words to say about how they treated her. Ugh, I could go on and on- but needless to say it was hard to maintain contact. Our agency actually told them they would not be placing more children with them so we no longer see them at meetings and events.

[dac_cincy]

my son's adoption was international, so not quite the same experience as others here- but I am hoping one day to adopt from the foster care system- if I ever get a call.

My son was with his foster family for almost 21.5 months. From day one, they knew he would be adopted to someone outside of his birthcountry. I was matched with him at 8 months.

In the next 15 months, I recieved monthly pictures and visited 2 times.
The trip to pick him up was awful for all of us. They brought him to the hotel, stayed for 4 hours and left me with a screaming child. before going to pick him up, I offered them the option of staying at the hotel (I would pay), or they could come each day, or they could come back for dinner one night. They choose to come every day and spend 8 hours with us. They would leave while he was sleeping and 5 minutes after they left, he would wake up screaming.

After he came home, we spoke once a week on the phone, which has moved to less frequently now. We also skype now about every 2 months. I initially had pictures of all of us with them up around the house, but I had to take them down after 2 weeks as he would cry every time he saw their pictures- it was like pulling a scab off a new wound each time.

We went back to visit them about 19 months after his adoption was final. After 20 minutes, it was like he never left them, but at the same time, I was never allowed to leave his sight. He had no problems saying 'aloha' to them when we left. we use that word becuase it means hello and goodbye. Our goodbyes are never final becuase my intent is to go back as many times as I can.

Now almost 5 years later, he knows that they loved him when he was a baby, taught him how to be in a family and they continue to be a critical part of our lives, just from a distance.

The transition was hard on all of us- for different reasons. It is still a work in progress for my son. He has anxious attachment but it gets better all the time. He loves to look at pictures of his time with them and comment on what he is doing in the pictures.

For me, I am grateful that his foster family has remained in our lives, they have his history from birth theu 21.5 months. This information is precious and priceless. i will never know all the questions to ask, but he is beginning to ask questions now about when he was a baby. keeping the relationship open has allowed me the opportunity to email with questions.

We are going back to see them this summer and my son is already talking about playing with 'the girls'- the daughters who are now in their mid 20s.

I hope this helps in some way.

[jeni-b]

We were the foster family that transitioned kids to a new home. We still keep contact, although it's lessened over the last year.
The transition took about a month. Well before we knew who would be adopting when TPR was happening we introduced the term forever family and started explaining what that means.
They met a couple families in our home who we explained were friends coming to visit.
Once a family was selected we net again in our home, then a neutral location where we left them to get to know each other. Then a visit at their home. Then we started overnight visits to weekends. The 3rd weekend they stayed.

Overall they adjusted well. They did some attachment therapy with their new family. We had the initial sadness, occasional not understanding everyone's new role, but things are good.

[navywife]

We're in the middle of transition here for Angel. 3 weeks ago she did her first 4 hour visit, 2 weeks ago was her overnight and last week was a weekend. This Friday she'll go on another overnight. We have to wait for the adoption team to approve the family 'officially' before she can move in.
I'm not sure if our situation is typical because this lady was her first foster home for about a year and has had contact with her for the past year. Potential adoptive mom is also a great fostermom who has been with the agency for a long time. On the other coin if we're matched with a little girl we put our home study in for then it will be a LONG transition period because she has FAS and change really upsets her.

[mountaineermom]

C (2 at the time) was placed with as an adoptive placement with absolutely NO transistion. We got the ok from the judge and the AW went and got her. According to AW and the former foster mom (whom she lived with for 10 months) said she would be "fine" and would not need a long transistion. We had never seen her and she had never seen us. IMO, I think all kides even tiny babies need some type of transistion, but the foster home was closing and we basically had no say in the matter. Thankfully, this kid is so well adjusted and just goes with the flow that she has been fine. Crazy, right?