[fp108]

We have a sibling group of 3 that we will be adopting any day now (after 2.5 years of fostering). The 3rd child was a total suprise but we felt strongly about keeping the siblings together so we accepted the placement.

Well now we hear rumors that bio mom may be pregnant again and I just dont know if we can do it. It would mean 4 total children with 3 under 3 and 2 parents who work full time.

It breaks my heart to think about saying no, but there are so many reasons why it wouldnt be a good idea. And there is no sign that this will even be her last - I mean, where do we draw the line?

Has anyone had to turn down a bio sib? Advice? Did you regret it? How did your situation pan out?

eta: the other thing that makes me feel guilty in all of this is that a 4th child isnt out of the picture. We've discussed that we'd like to take a little break, then start fostering (possibly to adopt) in 2-3 years. Its just that taking another baby right now seems like way too much.

[OakShannon]

That's always a hard situation. But it happens. You've got three littles now - the last two very close in age. If she is pregnant, then that's three children extremely close together. Even if you decided to really stretch yourselves and take this baby (assuming the rumor is true) there is a significant chance that it wouldn't be the last baby. At some point, you have to say that you just can't do it.

This happened to a friend of mine. When she said that her family couldn't take her son's sibling, she was able to suggest some friends of theirs who were waiting for a placement because then the brothers could grow up having lots of contact. The two families are very close. The baby's caseworker thought that was a great idea and her friends eventually adopted the baby. (Not a baby anymore. Little brother actually goes to school with my son. I know both families and it's seems to have worked out really well.) I would suggest that if you decide not to take the new baby, that you let the caseworker know that you would like to have visits so that your kids can maintain contact with their sibling. Hopefully they would take that into account when choosing a family for the baby. They might. They might not. But it can't hurt to ask.

[smit8211]

I can't answer your question about having to turn down a sibling. But I think that if you feel that you couldn't really handle a baby right now, then it is OK to make that decision. This baby will be somebody else's blessing!
If there is a way to keep contact with the new sibling, do that. It would be great for the children to grow up having some sort of relationship. Unfortunately you do have to "draw the line" somewhere. I know that sucks. Personally, I wish I could take in every little one who needs a mommy to love them, but it's just not possible. Good luck with whatever decision you make, go with your gut feeling & don't make a decision out of guilt. *hugs*

[Mama2Gia]

We haven't yet had to turn down a sibling but know that we are eventually going to have to. We are hoping if and most likely when Chuy's mom has another that she is still clean and sober and able to parent. Curlys mom is really young and professes daily about how she wants another baby. How she will keep having them until she can keep one- apparently she heard a woman(another birth mother) say this at a parenting class she was taking and thinks it is the best advice she got from the class. She repeated this during her psych eval and it was noted in the report that the psychologist feels that this mom is not currently fit to parent any child and if in the future becomes pregnant again that she be re-evaluated at that time before a child leaves the hospital with her because she has serious concerns about any future ability to parent. The way things are going with this case she could have 17 kids before TPR happens for curly. So at least she will be in the system when she has the next one. Maybe.

[just-breathe]

We just had to turn down our fk's newborn sibling a few weeks ago. It was SO hard. We've been in our fs's life for a little over 2 years. In those 2 years his mom has been pg 4 times that we know of. She had 2 miscarriages and 2 children. We took placement of the first sibling and then had to turn down the second as it's obvious she's not going to stop.

[msgypsylee]

When my AS was about 3 his birthmom gave birth. I had a baby girl in my house at the time who was about 5 mos. DYFS really wanted me to take new baby and have FD moved. Someting told me not to though. Long story short, my sons sibling was RU with birth mom and now both are doing GREAT. She really turned her life around. FD is still in and out of my home after 4 years. Turns out I am the only stable person she has had in her young life. I don't have any regrets. I am grateful I can be here for her. I toyed with the idea of having AS, FD and new sibling at the same time but It would have killed me. Im a single mom. I just couldn't have done it.

[mommyof2miracles]

Our daughter's birthmother was pregnant again at the beginning of 2011. Her cousin told me she aborted the baby. We've already made the decision we do not want anymore children. It would be so tough to have to turn down, but you do what works best for your family. Lucky for me, her birthmom is in her 40's so I doubt there would be more than one more baby at most.

[mythreesonsjmo]

My sister was ready to take the third baby from one bio-family but the judge in the county decided that he was not going to be told what to do by another county's judge so the baby was sent home with the bio parents, who have done nothing at all to get their other two kids back, have had two involuntary terminations, and have mental and cognitive issues, no jobs, and are virtually homeless. They would take her if she came into care, but they said they can't really do any more after this. The oldest just turned 3, the middle is 1.5. The bioparents said they'd keep trying until they got to keep one...so we'll see. It makes me sad knowing that my niece and nephew might not really ever know their sibling, but I guess that is the way it works in the foster care world. My sister is open to contact with some of the bio family, there is an aunt and grandmother she gets along with okay, but she will not have anything to do with the actual bio parents because they have threatened her life (the cops had to be called and restraining order put into place) and are very unstable for the kids and for her.

[farmchick]

It hasn't happened for us, but we're sure it will at some point - we take mostly larger sibling groups, and EVERY ONE we have taken, considered or been offered (but they went elsewhere) has had a baby between "any second now" and 1. Often two babies (twice we've had 13 months and newborn). Most of the moms have been very young and in one case (kids we were considered for but didn't take) the parents had announced their desire to have 10 children together (five were already TPR'd, one more on the way...). So it seems almost certain that at some day we'll get a longer term placement of a bunch of kids and be offered more, and probably at some point have to say no - we want a big family, but not to tip ourselves over the edge into crazy. I don't know how you know - a friend of mine has four kids from three adoptions (one sibling set of two, two singles) and ALL THREE birth mothers are pregnant at the same time. She's losing her mind about what to do - looks like one baby will get to go with Mom for a while, but the other two are expected to come into care - and are due two months apart. Oy.

[HDMom]

I know this is a common dilemma for FP's and I'm glad to read the responses. I figured it was a matter of time before our FD's bio mom got pregnant again and it has happened. I don't know what will happen as the pregnancy progresses or if CPS will let her try to parent the new baby. I have had to think about the "what ifs" though. I'm kinda come to the conclusion that we need to do what is best for the baby. I don't think that is coming to live with us. We love FD and she loves and is attached to us. We will adopt her if allowed, because we believe that is what is best for her. For the new baby, I feel he or she should go to a loving home who really wants a newborn. And, as noted, you never know how many siblings will be born at a later date. Where do you stop?

Did I sound convincing? lol Actually I think that if we are actually asked to take the baby, it will be hard to say no. I might have to come back here for support because I really want to do what's best for each child.

[mythreesonsjmo]

Ten kids all together, but they don't get to parent any of them...I don't get it. I guess they can say they have ten kids to other people who don't know them...sad.

[hopefulandwatching]

Our FS will be 13 months old when his sibling is born...and we will have a FD who will be 9 months old IF she is still with us...basically, it's all up in the air...I know the state wants the baby with us, barring a miracle recovery and the mother suddenly being a suitable parent! But, I don't know if we can do 3 that close together and keep our sanity...I just don't know...I guess we'll just keep taking it all a day at a time and cross that bridge when we get there. No way of knowing how the pg will go...or if mom will suddenly pull it together...or IF our FD will still be here or be going to relatives in another state(which is a whole other deal...because if we KNOW she is going to relatives...I don't see us wanting to pass up the chance for our FS (hopefully soon to be AS by then) to have his sibling grow up in the same home...but, moving FD at that stage would be SO hard on her! We don't want to disrupt on her...sigh...I feel ya! We will just take it a step at a time...as you said, at some point, we are going to have to say no!

[xLoveThemAllx]

I am a huge advocate for keeping siblings together. That said, we have turned down sibling placements three times.

The first time AD's birth-mom gave birth a son with extensive medical issues that we were not prepared for. Holding that baby and then saying no was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done.

The second time we got a call asking us to take placement of the twins' bio-brothers. Declining that placement was surprisingly very easy for me.

The twins' birth-mom is due any day and we have already been (repeatedly) if we will take the newborn. We have said absolutely not; there is no way I can keep up with 7 kids, including 3 under 1!

[luvmykids5]

We have had to turn down a sibling and it was extremely difficult at first. I don't regret it now because I know that was the best decision for my home and our children. We are in the process of adopting our FD now. I keep in touch with the family that has my child's sibling and we make sure the girls spend time together and know they are sisters.

[parenting-over-40]

I went thru this last summer when the Queen's (now 4) baby sister was born. I prayed & cried about it. Neither the Queen or I were in a situation where we could bring the baby here. We had made a lot of progress last year with DD's special needs but had more work to do on behavior. I was worried this would just set us back at square one.

So, I called my agency and regretfully (at the time) told them "Not this time". I think made a couple of suggestions 1) I would like visits between the girls and 2) if the other family is open to visits, can they be within a reasonable (15 minute) drive so that would help facilitate the visits. My agency loved both suggestions.

Six months later they should TPR this month. We haven't had visits yet because birth Mom kept throwing out names of people who "wanted the baby". None of that worked out. So, it looks like the Foster Family will be adopting her. Once rights are terminated, I will tell the Queen about her sister & we will begin visits.

Do I regret the decision? Not at all. It was the best thing for us at the time. The Queen continues to make strides with her behavior & sensory issues. She is in a much better place now to even receive the news that she is a big sister.

In a year or 3 if they call with another sibling will I be open to that placement? Possibly! The family for baby sis is not adopting any more. This would make their 5th child. So, any future calls I would be 1st in line.

Hope that helps. Good luck with your decision. I know it is so hard. ((((HUGS))))