[mandylei]

So as I sit here tonight thinking about Baby B and our previous adoptive placement Baby Girl, I am actually thinking how lucky and easy we have it compared to so many of you.

With Baby Girl, she came to us at 7 months with a lazy eye. She was drug exposed but as far as we knew she was okay. Bios left to another state so we had 1 visit in 8 months. As hard as it was to lose her, we had it pretty easy. No visits, minimal doc apts, no therapies or bad behaviors or lasting effects (at that time)


With Baby B, Mom is in jail and can have no visits, and dad does not want visits. So in the last few months, we have had zero visits. Now while drug addicted, she is doing really well and of course we won't know any lasting effects either. But she is easy and happy.

So here lies what I call the "trap"

It is so easy for us to get caught up in the fact that this beautiful little girl is ours. With no visits for either placement and both goals being adoption, we have essentially lived our lives with little DCF interference. (Are you jealous yet?) Aside from our once a month visit from their worker, we are left alone. I fell into the "trap" with Baby Girl and when it all came crashing down, I was devastated. This time around I vowed not to fall in. Well, with no visits and no interference, it's hard NOT to. We live our lives, make decisions for her, and raise her as if she'll be here forever.

I'm a little....okay a LOT scared. I was trying to hold back in the beginning so as to not get crushed again. But now, too late. I have fallen for this baby. And now I'm in the "trap".

[TemporaryMom]

I am in the same trap with Chubbs. I still can't breathe easy until the adoption is finalized, 4 weeks from today. In retrospect, I think I needed this "break" from true fostering. I am more better prepared to take on another foster placement, probably more than I was in August. I was thinking last night that it has been 9 months since I lost the girls. That is such a long time, yet it seems like it was just yesterday. I still can't bring myself to go in their room, although, I know the time has to come soon as I will have to prepare it for the next placement.

I am NOT looking forward to visits and behaviors again. I am still on the fence about my age group but I am leaning towards 2-5, no school age, only a girl. I suspect that I will have a long wait since I want just ONE child.

One of my Online Friends said that she had a feeling/dream that once Chubbs' adoption is finalized, I will get the girls back. That isn't going to happen.

Do you think that you fall as easily into the "trap" when you have the same situation with an older child? I think it is easier with a baby because since there was no inherent bond with the bio mother, usualy when you get them at birth, then it is more likely to go to TPR without tons of extensions. At least in my area. The biggest reason they give extensions is because they think "the best interest of the child" is return to bio parent when there was an established "bond."

I don't know. But I wonder.

[digmykids]

Hook line and sinker here too! Even with no sleep and a needy baby we are so in love with him it's scary.
Though our little man will be going home soon as mom gets her place, so sad for us but very happy that mom has done what she needed to for this little guy and herself.

They never thought the parents would or could do what it would take to get well enough for this baby.

[jeni-b]

Another in the trap foster mommy here! No visits does make it very different, but sometimes even with visits I've fallen head over heels and had to pull myself back together when they've gone home.
This isn't an easy thing we do!

[luvbeingamom]

I totally relate to what you are saying! With FFS, he had three visits a week. I saw him playing with his parents & the love they had in their eyes, as troubled as they were. It helped me to remember he was not "mine", even though I loved him very much. With these two, they only had five visits the first nine months we had them. They are a relative placement, and CPS will put us on a back burner at times. After a few months, I couldn't imagine my life without them! I used to cry at night wishing they were my forever children, instead I was pregnant with twins. I can't believe I actually wished that I wasn't pregnant, but adopting the kids. I totally broke down at church one day when I seen a young Mexican family with a school age boy and girl. (My kids are hispanic). Please don't do what I did. I grieved and grieved my kids leaving & come to find out, they are staying forever! Consents have been signed by my young cousin, and TPR on the abentee father will be at the end of the month. I wish I would have been able to enjoy the first nine months more....I think it effected bonding. Since the consents were signed we really gelled as a family. I don't think I'm going to rest easy until the ink is dry on the adoption papers, but I'm trying to enjoy every precious moment now.

Good luck to you!

[heidi6409]

The trap better be big, because a lot of us have fallen for it! Cowboy has no visits anymore so he really feels like ours also. I actually didn't bond with him until recently because my heart was broken from tiny girl. I didn't/couldn't let myself feel. Now that we have no visits, and he has started crawling toward me saying mamamamma, I'm totally smitten. When he was tiny and didn't care who was holding him it was easier not to get attached. Now, if he doesn't stay with us I will be heartbroken once again. FYI, everyone has said there's no way mom is getting him back. I just worry about relatives and his bio father-both of whom haven't stepped forward to claim him yet. I lost tiny girl when she was 8 mos. old and now cowboy will be 8 mos. old in less than two weeks, so I am kind of superstitious something will happen with the case. I doubt it, but am still nervous. I can't wait for March, cause that's the next court hearing. Mom has pretty much abandoned him at this point, and is waiting to sign off so that we have current caretaker status to adopt him-says cw.

[hopefulandwatching]

It's rough even with visits, for some of us...of course, in our case, they have said from the beginning that he wasn't going anywhere...that really makes it hard. And, he is our first...top it off with the fact that he is picked up for and drop off after visits...I have never even seen him with mom...and she is canceling more than attending visits now. They filed TPR on her...the "pre trial" court date is March 28th...we fall in the trap most days...only to be reminded when we can't even cut his hair without permission! And, now they say birthmom is pg again! I'm not sure I want to DO this whole thing again...it's hard enough to just ride this one out...the parents have not done anything in their case plans...only intermittent visits...and there are no relatives left...no one has passed a background check. But, until we hear that gavel crack down on the bench and the judge proclaiming him ours...we simply cannot know anything for sure...so we wait...and we try to climb out of the trap, only to fall in again shortly...it's too easy to fall in there. We love him SO much...hang in there! All we have is now..this moment, today. I have learned that much!(feel free to remind me when I forget!LOL!)

[farmchick]

Yup, been there. With M. we were initially told that he was going to Dad, but then Dad decided he wasn't the father and wasn't going to have anything to do with it, that he was done - and disappeared. They said all the relatives had been checked out and even off drugs, Mom was too disabled to parent. We fell in love. We also felt that while he might RU with Mom, there was no chance of that being a long term situation, so imagined he might RU and come back. Instead another relative came forward and I'm only now coming to terms with the fact that he's not coming back into care - which is great, except that I miss him.

[elk134]

Yes, it is easy to fall into the trap. Our daughter never had any visits with bio dad, and only one visit with bio mom. After the first visit, bio mom went MIA. We started to get very comfortable very fast. Not a good thing in "this world." We still had visits with bio great grandma, but those didn't seem to bother me as bio grandma never wanted her to go back home. She knew her granddaughter was not in a place to care for the baby. (And bio grandma could not physically care for her.)

We did get a dose of reality several months later when bio mom showed back up, but then she diappeared again as quick as she showed up. Then one more dose of reality when she showed up for the TPR hearing wanting an attorney and her daughter back (after she had already been declared abandoned.) But it was too late by then. TPR was still ordered and we adopted her.

[momto1g1b]

I'm sure when we become foster parents, we'll be in the same trap..

[mommyof2miracles]

We had a very similar situation. Zero visits, birthmom and birthdad MIA and no family involved. I fell into the trap after TPR. I lived everyday terrified, but we carried on as if she would stay forever. Lucky for us, she did! We brought her home 20 months ago and she will be two in a few weeks. Crazy to think back on those days in the beginning. Have faith that it will all work out and stay cautiously optimistic. I regret not falling into the "trap" earlier than I did. I feel like I didn't bond appropriately at the beginning.

[mandylei]

OMG I am SOOOO glad I posted this! I thought I was going to get the "slap on the hand" from you all saying...
"don't get too attached" but you know what??? How can you NOT??? And I see that it is normal for some of us to feel like their parents. I also don't want to fall into the trap of not bonding until much later....that's not fair to her or us. I am fearful of getting my heart broken. She is already 3 months and it feels like forever ago that we got the call about her BEFORE she was born.

I can also relate to the posters who say that when they are real young, as Baby B is, it is easier to not get as attached....but as they grow older, bond more, call you Mama and such, I can see it being harder. That's how it was with Baby Girl. Now that Baby B smiles at me, I kinda melt. And now I'm like the only one who can calm her when upset.

THANKS!!!

[greenmama]

Hey there!
My daughter came to us at 15 months old with a full blown attachment disorder after 5 placements. I LOVED her. I loved her like it was forever because I knew that she needed me not to hold back. And it worked. My daughter is now mine. She is fully attached....my mini me. lol. These babies NEED to be loved like it's forever. They need us to not hold back. It's the difference between life and death. And I am NOT joking.

[TemporaryMom]

Originally Posted by greenmama

These babies NEED to be loved like it's forever. They need us to not hold back. It's the difference between life and death. And I am NOT joking.

Well said, and I agree 100%. I think that some foster parents do become jaded, not sure that is the right word, but after time, they have gotten their heart broken so many times, they hold back. But the kids don't need that. They don't just need a glorified babysitter or caregiver, they need a parent who loves them unconditionally. For some of these children, it will be the first time that they have such a thing.

[VolunteerFireMom25]

It's amazing I was having this very discussion w/ my husband tonigh. Chief came to us from the NICU at 4 days old, to the best of our knowledge Biomom has never held him. She is MIA and has missed all the hearings so far. I am very attached and have already warned everyone that if/when he leaves I will not be fit to be around. I tried really hard to not attach but watching him struggle from 4 lbs to the 9 lb smiling only for Mom little guy he is today lets just say I was trapped within a few hours.

BioSon 9 yrs
BioSon 4 yrs

LilChief placed @ 4 days