[OakShannon]

Have any of you chosen to have contact with birthparents who are either incarcerated or in a state hospital - either through letters or visits - post-adoption? I'm not talking about the kids visiting - just contact between adults. If you have had to make a decision about contact, what caused you to decide one way or the other? (This person is not a danger in any way.) If you have had contact, what was that experience like?

[TemporaryMom]

I haven't yet, but I will be providing an email address to the bio mother/father through the Adoption/Case worker. My worker said to not make any promises or plans, just start with an email and see what happens from there. I believe that both of my boy's bios will be out before Adoption finalization. Neither have asked for a goodbye visit. Within reason, I will allow one post-finalization. Workers said that I can arrange to do it through our agency since I am still a licensed foster parent.

My reasonings, I would rather my son grown up knowing the TRUE bio parents and not build up some fantasy about them in his head, and then have them match their reality with his fantasy when he tries to find them at age 18, assuming he does. You know how teen-agers are, you are bound to get into a fight where they storm out and want to find their bios. I have seen that situation happen and destroy families.

Chubbs will know, at age appropriate stages, the TRUTH about his bio family. I am not going to sugar coat it or lie to him about it. He needs to know that his bio mother's addiction made it such that he can never recreationally drink or even casually take pain killers.

I'll not lie and say that she loved him and all of that because I don't believe that she did, for all the reasons I can't share on here. But, if she does get out, and stays clean, then I might agree to a meeting eventually. I pray that she does for her sake. But, the reality is, having lost her 5th child now, I can't see what motivation she has to stay clean and I fully expect to get a call within a year or so about a sibling being born.

So, I'd take the same advice as my worker gave to me, setup an email address and take it from there. As far as I know, the bio mom will not even know Chubbs' new name. They aren't even allowed to tell her that the "foster mom" adopted. So, I am not sure how I will broach that question, if it happens, because if she figures out, she will have access to the legal papers with my full name on it, which is an uncommon name in my city, so she'd be able to easily find me.

[jmd5294]

My son's bd is in prison, and I do communicate via letters. I did try to send pics, but they got returned b/c each inmate is only allowed to have X number of pics in their possession at a time.

Bd and I have always had a great relationship, he's always been respectful of boundaries, and has always shown up for post-adoption visits (we had 2 prior to him being incarcerated). There was really no reason for me not to continue contact with him. I know what he's in prison for, and it's nothing serious enough to make me want to discontinue contact.

[digmykids]

To Tempmom,
We were honest and age appropriate to our adopted sons. One still built up a fantasy about his bio mom. The other did not. Each child will cope in ways you cant control.
We told them the truth about the parents and the one who built up the fantasy's about his bio mom...he has full access to siblings, aunts and uncles and even his bio dad and in a push could have contact with his bio mom. He has NO want for anything from any of his bio family..NOTHING.
Other adopted son, loves having contact with them and I am FB friends with their aunt and cousins and their sisters.
I helped them to find the family then let them do what they wanted with the info.
OP sorry for the hijack.
I think an email set up JUST for the bio family would be a good idea. Share very non specific things until you know your comfort zone and how you can deal with anything more than that.
Like Tempmom our adopted boys were allowed visits as children (we allowed it when ever they asked which was not often) and our AW always made time to help us with that and to be around with us to supervise.
Our family was never a physical threat (they were drugs not gangs)
I wish you the best luck figuring out your comfort zone in this.

[OakShannon]

Thanks JMD - that's helpful. I expect my family will think I'm nuts so it's nice to hear that other people have made that choice. (Of course, they were shocked that we opened his adoption at all, and they've come around nicely on that front.) Dig - when you say your boys had visits when they asked, did you take them to visit in jail, or were their parents out at that time? How old were they?

My son has contact with his extended family, grandma, brother, aunts and uncles. We have visits and frequent phone calls. But not his birthparents.

Silly of me, I suppose, but it never occurred to me that they would have access to e-mail. If I sent letters, though, it would be through a PO box and - as you suggested DIG - with very unspecific information. Although I would be willing to send photos if that were possible. I would love to have direct contact, but I'm not sure at this point how that would be received. I think I'd like to try, though. My son will already have a lot of information through his relatives. I'm not worried so much about him building up fantasies. But I'd like to have as much contact with his family as is safe and wise.

Tempmom - I'm sure I'm showing my ignorance, but how could his birth mom get the records after you adopted? Aren't they sealed?

[walkingstick]

We did this years ago when our AS's mother was incarcerated for 5 years. We had a verbal agreement to send at least one letter with photos every year. It didn't matter to me where I sent the letter. It didn't take any extra time or effort. We, too, had a birthmother who was not a danger.
The hardest part (which wasn't hard at all) was making sure I kept the most recent envelope with the return address and her inmate number. For some reason, they kept moving her around to different prisons. They had different rules at each prison concerning letters and photos and she would let us know in her letters to us.
It was a seamless transition once she was released. Now we just send letters to her house instead.

[1000amys]

We do this with #2's dad. I never thought about not doing it, because he was already incarcerated when she was placed with us and relinquished contingent upon receiving written updates and pictures 3 times a year. Our adoption agency is the third-party conduit to maintain confidentiality. He actually is great at sending birthday cards, Valentine's greetings, etc. We have hashed out a lot of ground rules through letters.

He will be out of prison sometime this year, and we are considering further contact only after we see that he is stable and safe. She has a lot of questions and concerns about her early life, and he is able to fill in some blanks for her and give her assurance that she is loved and was not responsible for the grown-up decisions that led to her coming into foster care.

And yes, there are a lot of rules in prisons! We have ahd drawings of hers returned because they don't allow crayon, or Color Wonder paper. Our solution was to photocopy the drawing and re-send it.

[Kezs]

I do a P.O. box and they address everything to the children. They don't know our last name and they don't know we changed theirs. I just have the old names on the box so it gets delivered.

For email you can always use an alternate name, and just say you are the adoptive parent. They don't need to know you were the foster mom.

Only do what you are comfortable with. Your kiddos will appreciate that you at least tried, and he is the one who matters.

[Jensboys]

We do. Our sons' bfather is in federal prison and is allowed email access. I really enjoy being able to send off quick notes vs hand written letters that would take me much longer to send off.

Check the prison regulations where the parent is incarcerated. At some prisons he was allowed to receive 10 pictures per letter, at some 25. If you go one picture over, the letter will be returned at the inmates cost.

We are not permitted to send "gifts" however we can send books directly from publishers. I have been able to make photo books online and have them sent to him in prison. This gets around the picture limit rule, as he can receive books, and he LOVES getting them as gifts.

In our case, bdad is doing MUCH better in prison than out of prison. He is stable, clean, honest, supportive, kind and friendly. He has been great about sending birthday cards to the kids and despite their lack of willingness to respond, I KNOW means a lot to them. He is respectful of all the guidelines we have given him, is respectful of our information and is happy to forward pictures to us of his family etc that they send him in prison.

When our son was 13 I did take him there for a visit and it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.

[OakShannon]

Thank you, Jen. That's really helpful. I'll do some investigating.

[millie58]

I haven't yet but I will set up contact. B, my youngest, is grieving the loss. He lost bio mom, bio dad, and bio great aunt, all before he was six. I think him telling the boys they weren't to blame will go along way towards helping them. thanks for all the tips about pictures. I've sent some through his bio mom but never thought there was a limit. He committed a dangerous crime but he has a long sentence with no chance of parole.