[MamaTay]

So, we took our first placement 2 days ago. 15 year old boy. Really amazing guy. Things were going great and I was thinking to myself that they couldn't have picked a young man that had much more in common with our family. Then he crashed.

He has been sleeping a lot. I figured he was emotionally drained. He just came and asked to borrow a phone so he could call his case worker. I of course gave him my phone but his case worker didn't answer.

He said he is just really home sick and lonely. He is uprooted and moved to a much different area so I don't blame him. He will go back to his home school Monday. I am hoping that helps.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help him not spiral into depression till then? Do I let him sleep and have his space or do I encourage him to get up and do something?

[Sissy22]

my 14 girl who game last night a lil withdrawn too lets stay in touch i think its hard for older ones to adjust

[Fostermom22]

Giving older kids their space is a good thing, however, if you have rules in place (such as family dinners are at this time, etc) those should be followed...on a weekend, there is generally only the on call worker available...but hopefully his worker will call back on Monday.

[Howdy]

Originally Posted by MamaTay

...Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help him not spiral into depression till then? Do I let him sleep and have his space or do I encourage him to get up and do something?

I don't have any experience with a new teenager, but my daughter is 15 and unless she is running around with friends, she just pretty much sleeps all the time! She is asleep now, has been asleep most of the day, sighhhh.

He is old enough you could just ask him which would be more helpful. Doesn't he have any friends to text or connect with?

[digmykids]

When we had our 15 yr old boy he was polite and nice and good attitude but same as yours he slept. I have found that kids who come into care do tend to need that extra sleep. They just need to escape and decompress and sleep is how it seems to be done.
Our guy slept almost the entire day on day 2 and it was on the couch so he had to deal with the "hub-bub" of the house and baby but it didnt bother him or me. He woke, he ate he slept some more. Next day he was back home.

[phxmama]

It is fine that he sleeps alot, I have a son 15 who sleeps alot too. But the rest of the time you need to get busy. Take him to a movie, to the mall, bowling, whatever, just get him active. Have him up helping you make dinner. Do you belong to the Y or a gym? If not look into a membership and get him working out.

It may be better but it could actually be worse after school starts. It is hard to come to a new school and make friends at that age. And his first friends are going to be kids who don't have friends now, in other words likely kids with issues and problems of their own. Do you know any one with kids his age? Hook them up and help him find social contacts (i.e. kids his age) in your world who you know are good kids.

[MamaTay]

He has been texting his friends and he will be going back to his own school monday. I think it would be too much for any kid to change schools on top of being thrown into a new house so we are going to try hard to keep him in his home school till at least the end of the year.

He woke up so we went out to get an alarm clock for his room and then played a card game to pass some time. He and I got a chance to talk a bit too. He realy is an amazing young man. His world has just been turned upsidedown.

[Moja]

I would try to offer him opportunities to do things with the family and with you guys individually. He is going through a lot of change, and he might not really be comfortable asking to interact. I would do things like "Hey, I'm going to the grocery store. Why don't you come so you can pick out some of your favorites?" or "I need to run to WalMart for a few things. Do you want to come so we can get some of the things you need while we are there?". Dinner together as a family can be a great idea, too. When i want to get my bio. son to talk I usually break out the ice cream sundae items and we make a sundae together for him (I can't eat ice cream). Don't be upset if he declines, but keep offering until he feels more comfortable. He's lonely, but that doesn't mean he knows how to come to you for companionship.

[Rosey23]

I agree with those that say let him sleep. I have a 16 year old FS and he sleeps a lot. Currently we have him Friday afternoon to Sunday night each week so he transitions each week. Friday nights he is exhausted when we get home.

He has always been polite, but it took a while to get him to open up but what I have found to be the best way to engage him is to do something he likes. In the last few weeks I have played arcade games, listened to some really new music, learned to play some new card games and been to the mall more times than I can count. It is amazing how kiddo opened up once he saw we listened to him and were interested and learning more about his activities.

You said he is texting GF, is he allowed to see her? Could she come over for dinner and games with the family? At 16 peer groups are very important to them. Good he'll go back to school on Monday.

[alys1]

I had a 14-yr-old boy placed here last spring. He was scared to death, and holed up in his room. I just let him. There was a week off school, about 3 days after he moved in. Oh *great*, we're strangers and will be cooped up together 9 days in a row. I took him to the library to use the computer to get on facebook and chat with his friends, and to check out books. He stayed in room and read a lot. Could be worse, right?

After a while he came out more, he just had to settle in. Soon enough the honeymoon was over. When I decide the teens have slept their 12-14 hours, it's time to get up, I put earplugs in and crank up the stereo. (innocent expression)

I told him we'd travel the world through books. What country did he want to go to if it could only be one? We checked out about 3 books geared to middle schoolers, and 3 picture books about the country. They stayed on the kitchen table, so he looked at when waiting for dinner, sometimes I asked him to read to me while I cooked. We continued about every 2 weeks changing countries. Fun.

[ParentingOnPurpose]

I think it is wise to "manage" sleeping time so it doesn't become a downward spiral and I echo previous comments to that affect...getting him out and about.

I have a wonderful 14yo boy having a respite stay with me. He had no choice the first day to be involved with our activites because the younger kids were so excited to have him here, and that set the tone for our engagement. But I have carved out some "decompression time" and let him know when shower/dinner/family time will be.

I was also able to acknowledge and discuss his anxiety about coming here and that seemed to lift the weight off his shoulders knowing he could talk to me about this.

Also, I made it clear I would support the things important to him like making sure he goes to his religious services etc.

For this particular kid, an unexpected positive affect has been interaction with our animals. He has never had the opportunity to be around animals before and our cat has been sleeping with him which he loves! Communing with the animals gets him in and out of his room.

[MamaTay]

Originally Posted by Rosey23

You said he is texting GF, is he allowed to see her? Could she come over for dinner and games with the family? At 16 peer groups are very important to them. Good he'll go back to school on Monday.

He has a GF but I think he was mostly texting his friends.

OK, I should probably have known this and I am hoping I didn't totally mess up. Nobody told me that there may be restrictions on him seeing his friends. I actually arranged for him to go hang with his friends to watch the super bowl. I thought I remembered in PRIDE that foster kids could be treated just like regular kids so I didn't even think till after I had offered that maybe he shouldn't be allowed to hang at another house for a bit. Please tell me I didn't screw up too bad here. It really seemed to help for him to see that we weren't so far away from his friends and home town.

[phxmama]

We always get a sheet with information as to whom he can and cannot have contact. If you don't get something similar contact the caseworker. Is he on probation or anything? If so you need to find out from the PO if there are restrictions on who he can hang out with. Ask about monitoring his text messages---yes you can do this and may be asked to do this. Limit cell phone time---kids will text all day and night if you don't have a rule about cell phones go on the counter(away from the bedroom) at night. When he went to his friends, did you take him? Did you meet the parents and assure there was supervision at the home where he went to hang out?
I doubt this will affect the placement but you do need to be super aware of where he is, who is supervising and what he is doing. Often times, old friends are not always "good friends". I never stop a friendship, but I insist on communicating with the other kids parents on all activities. I will not let my kids go to anyone's house without first meeting the parents in person, seeing the home and getting the parents committment that they will be present while the kid is there. After all this I still assess whether I think the parent's are "trustworthy", i.e. not lying and actually doing drugs or something with the kids. It is shocking to me how many parents have no idea or no concern about where there kids are and with whom they are hanging out.