[MomInCorazon]

I currently have the kids 2 days a week and every other weekend. I provide everything they have/need when they are with me, including full wardrobes BUT mom always sends the kids to me underdressed - no hats, gloves or sweaters (and despite the lack of snow it is still winter in New England). So when I send them back to her properly dressed that means I am now down a hat, pair of gloves, sweater, etc. at my house. The kids wear what they wear - stuff mom has provided, stuff I did - back and forth and that's fine. But I am now down to one sweater for Monkey Man and one for Snuggy and I bought MM his 4th hat/glove combo this week. There are easily 5-6 sweaters for each boy at mom's house and these are just those that I bought within the past 3 months. Each week I text mom and ask her to send sweaters plural for each boy (so I don't have to do a wash every night) and if I'm lucky she sends back one. So again by the time I send them back wearing that one sweater I am again back where I started. What should I do? I can't afford to keep buying extra clothes esp. when it doesn't restock their closets at my house but rather the floors at mom's. This has happened with lots of other things (lunch bags, freezer packs, bottles, sippy cups, etc.). Nothing big, nothing expensive but it all adds up.

Ok, vent over. for reading!

[Moja]

Can you ask for it when you get the kids back? Just a simple, "Do you have his hat/sweater/mittens? He's going to need them for school tomorrow" with a smile. Or even ask the kids (even if they can't reply) "Did you forget your sweater? I can wait while Mommy goes and gets it".

[digmykids]

Can you let mom know that you will pick kids up (dont know how you get them) but if you can go to the house?
Let her know in advance that you need to go through what they have at her house so you can restock your house.
It's not threatening it's just telling her you will come to get some things that will work for that weeks/months weather pattern.
Dont know, I know from your PP's that she gets persnickety pretty easily so that may not work....only other thing I can think of is thrift shops and Target clearance.
I'm sorry, I went through that a little with my FFC's mom too but not to the same extent. I feel for ya.

[MomFoster]

We had the same issue with one of the families we've done respite for. We did a couple of things. First, we always supplied the clothes, but as much as possible they NEVER went home with the kiddos. If we took them to school in it, we arranged to pick the clothes up from the school later. School had similar issues, so by the end of the winter they had winter gear at school that was not sent home. Some of that school gear was provided by us.

Also, we found out that the family was having laundry problems and was self-conscious about sending dirty clothes/blankets with the kids. We didn't care about washing the stuff, so we frequently took a bag of laundry with the kids, washed it, then returned it.

Even so, we lost so much stuff that I went to thrift stores regularly and would buy all the kid-sized mittens and hats they had.

[StephanieMB]

I wouldnt send them home with hats, gloves and things... let them use that stuff at your house, but send them home with what they came with.

My sister-in-law used to send her kids to my house, underdressed. I dressed them in what they needed while they were with me, but sent them home in what they came with it. I can't afford to keep an endless supply of clothes on hand to round out what their mom should have provided.

[momto1g1b]

Can you send them back home in the same clothes that they had on, when they came to your house? Even if you have to wash them.

[MomInCorazon]

Thanks, everyone. I think I am going to go at this from several directions. I can definitely send "for school only" hat and gloves with Monkey Man this week. I'm also going to try to only send the kids back with the same level of clothing they came with. They only have to walk from my car into mom's building so if even if its cold they can manage. And I'm going to swing by Old Navy tomorrow and see if I can get a few sweaters on clearance; when I was there last week they had them for $5. From what I know of BPD AND my 14 years of knowing mom she is not going to change and even were I to send a list of things to get back she will find a way to not do it and I'll just be back here banging my head against the wall. I need to focus on what I can control (even if that means keeping clothes back) instead of trying to be super reasonable and hoping for the same back.

[hopefulandwatching]

Sounds like some hard won wisdom there...sorry she has been such a difficult person to deal with! =( But, sounds like a good plan! You can only control what is yours...

[alys1]

When I was married, we would send my stepson back to his mom's and he would come back missing everything, in stained too-small clothes , shoes two sizes too small, etc. We had to buy shoes three weekends in a row once, to have one pair come back on his feet. She just kept unloading them.

Once we were on vacation in another state visiting a friend of mine. She had 3 children, was divorced, and her ex had tons of $$ from computer work. She said, "Every piece of clothing I send stays at his house, the kids come home in rags. So now I send them in rags."

My husband and I looked at each other: OK, we can do that. And we did. Whatever he came in was what he went back in. Much less aggravation, much less expensive.

[MomInCorazon]

Originally Posted by alys1

When I was married, we would send my stepson back to his mom's and he would come back missing everything, in stained too-small clothes , shoes two sizes too small, etc. We had to buy shoes three weekends in a row once, to have one pair come back on his feet. She just kept unloading them.

Once we were on vacation in another state visiting a friend of mine. She had 3 children, was divorced, and her ex had tons of $$ from computer work. She said, "Every piece of clothing I send stays at his house, the kids come home in rags. So now I send them in rags."

My husband and I looked at each other: OK, we can do that. And we did. Whatever he came in was what he went back in. Much less aggravation, much less expensive.

Yes but I am assuming your ex-husband had a legal right to see his child where in my case I am totally beholden to mom. If I ruffle her feathers even the slightest she will punish me and she knows the worst thing she can do to me is to keep the kids away. If I were to send the kids back in what she sent (and hence vary from what we have been doing for years) she would see through it. And punish me. Glad you found something that worked for you though.