[MomInCorazon]

Without getting into too many revealing details I have a situation and would appreciate some feedback.

Pumpkin is parentified at her mom's and has way too much responsibility for her younger brothers. P told me she was "missing out on her childhood" (her words ). One of these responsibilities (due solely to mom's laziness not inability) is causing P to miss mandatory time at school on a very regular basis. P has expressed extreme frustration over this and I reported it to DCF almost a month ago. The SW on the case is pathetic and has not followed up. I left a message for her supervisor today and am waiting to hear back. I was told on the DL by someone else at DCF that is would be great if the school would file a 51A report on mom. The teachers are very frustrated with this situation from what I understand but for whatever reason the principal has decided not to file (I was told the teachers told the principal and it was now on her; oh and its her first year as a principal if that matters). I was told it would be screened in by DCF and almost definitely substantiated as neglect because mom has been given chance after chance to fix the situation and chooses not to. Not that it would get the kids removed - and I am NOT looking for that (I simply want things to be better, easier, etc. at mom's) - but it could light a fire under her and this burden currently on P's shoulders could be lifted.

WWYD?

[irelady10]

If the child is missing school, that's educational neglect. Can you hotline it?

[Fostermom22]

Hopefully you will hear back from the supervisor tomorrow.
Sounds like some respite may help mom.

[MomInCorazon]

I don't believe I am a mandated reporter in this situation (my CW would have told me if I was) and it would be a nightmare if bio mom ever found out that I told DCF (as opposed to them finding out from the school). Basically because P is in an older grade she has mandatory extended day that MM does not. P is made to leave the school, take MM home or to a nearby place, and then return to school, missing 20-45 minutes of a 75 minute session - multiple times per week. That is more detail than I wished to share but I really need an idea of what to do.

I spoke with the SW's supervisor about this (and much more) 3 weeks ago. She said that since this was information DCF could obtain independently the SW would contact the school (and conceded it should have already been done). It is clear to me that this has not happened, the SW cancelled a mtg with mom and the kids last week and nothing has changed. P is still responsible for MM after school despite mom being home (with no job or other conflicts) within walking distance of the school. The school has called mom many times, she says she will get MM and doesn't (she texts P during class to do it) and mom does not get that this is unfair/irresponsible/negatively affecting P's education.

[MomInCorazon]

Originally Posted by Fostermom22

Hopefully you will hear back from the supervisor tomorrow.
Sounds like some respite may help mom.

Thanks but respite won't help in this case. I already take the kids several days a week, even since RU. Mom has some mental health issues (bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder) but mostly is lazy and has an attitude of "no one will tell me what to do/how to raise my kids/etc."

If I don't hear back from the supervisor tomorrow do I call the Area Director on Monday? Do I speak with the Principal and ask her to file? This case has been open for 3.5 years with in-home services provided pre- and post-removal (the kids were removed for 7 months in 2010 but were RUed 14 months ago). There are a bunch of additional concerns re: neglect that DCF is aware of (they are supposed to be following up with the kids' other providers - doctors, therapist, etc. - to get independent verification of what I reported) but this school thing really is a bee in my bonnet. P is struggling educationally as is.

[alys1]

I would try to figure out a way for P to report this. Perhaps she could ask one of the teachers who is supportive to go talk to the principal with her. That might open the principal's eye to how difficult her situation is.

Or, does she have the caseworker's number, or the supervisor's number, or she could hotline it. Perhaps there is a phone at school she could use, a supportive teacher might allow this. Or the counselor, nurse or office phone. Not that she *should* have to do this at her age. But in watching several cases of consistent neglect and abuse in the community over the years, when children start to speak out, magic happens.

She could start out by phrasing something positively that speaks volumes, "I'm missing a lot of school because my mom asks me to care for my brother and things like that, and I wonder if there is any way someone can give me some help?"

Also, if the principal sees reporting as more work, if the teachers keep requesting to talk to her about it and taking time to do so, it may soon look likely to even out. And is there nothing for teachers to hotline directly? Have they talked with the school social worker or counselor? Has P talked to them?

[MomInCorazon]

Originally Posted by alys1

I would try to figure out a way for P to report this. Perhaps she could ask one of the teachers who is supportive to go talk to the principal with her. That might open the principal's eye to how difficult her situation is.

Or, does she have the caseworker's number, or the supervisor's number, or she could hotline it. Perhaps there is a phone at school she could use, a supportive teacher might allow this. Or the counselor, nurse or office phone. Not that she *should* have to do this at her age. But in watching several cases of consistent neglect and abuse in the community over the years, when children start to speak out, magic happens.

She could start out by phrasing something positively that speaks volumes, "I'm missing a lot of school because my mom asks me to care for my brother and things like that, and I wonder if there is any way someone can give me some help?"

Also, if the principal sees reporting as more work, if the teachers keep requesting to talk to her about it and taking time to do so, it may soon look likely to even out. And is there nothing for teachers to hotline directly? Have they talked with the school social worker or counselor? Has P talked to them?

I can't ask or encourage P to complain about it - she is still in a protect-mom-to-the-public mode. I asked her if she wanted me to talk to the SW about it and she said it wouldn't do any good because mom won't listen to anyone. Her school has no guidance counselor or social worker; the principal is supposed to serve this function. Could the teachers report it directly? I would assume so. But MM's teacher told me that she told the principal so it was now on her. P's teachers should be more concerned as she is the one being negatively impacted by this (whereas it is merely an annoyance to MM's teacher) but apparently no one believes it rises to the level of a neglect report to DCF (although as I said earlier DCF said they would very much llike the school to make the report). P's therapist knows this dynamic as well and clearly hasn't reported it to DCF. I am just so frustrated!

I consulted a family member who worked in a school (not P's) for a long time and she basically said that the school wouldn't do anything. That is P was repeatedly late to school they would report it but not for leaving early. I don't get it.

And again, ALL IT WOULD TAKE is for the SW or her supervisor to do their job and call the school. The school does not know there is an open case five months into the school year. IMO there is no excuse for the SW not checking in for that long and certainly not for not doing it in the 3 weeks since I told them directly. I realize that some of these things might seem small in the scheme of the neglect and abuse our FC face but add it all up and mom is not doing enough for these kids and they deserve better.

[mrstkg1]

It seems to me that the only thing that makes sense is for you to help "P" start to set boundaries for herself. This is just the beginning of how much "P" is going to impacted by her mom's inability or unwillingness to do her job. Can you coach "P" that it is not her responsibility to take the other child home and that she has to go to class. The school will call Mom to get the child and if she doesn't then they will have to get the authorities involved. This seems like the only solution. It seems like it would be more helpful to "P" would be to build her self-esteem and help her learn to set appropriate boundaries when it comes to her mom. This may take time, but you could plant those seeds. I don't think the authorities will be much help to you and really I think you have to let this go. It sounds like that no matter what happens, the kids have been RU and that's it from the authorities point of view. Take care, I know how hard this has been on you and this is a family situation...just very hard...

[stimulus]

I wouldn't ask P to defy her mom. I'd call the principal. Tell her that DCF wants them to report. Ask why they don't keep P in school and call mom when the little one needs to go home. They should take responsibility for it instead of making P refuse to obey her mom. If she is required to be at school, they should require mom to come check her out - they don't let kids walk home during the school day just because the parent sends the kid a text.

I'd also call the social worker's supervisor and maybe whoever handles complaints. Insist that the worker call the school. Have you asked the worker why he hasn't called the school himself?

[MomInCorazon]

Originally Posted by mrstkg1

It seems to me that the only thing that makes sense is for you to help "P" start to set boundaries for herself. This is just the beginning of how much "P" is going to impacted by her mom's inability or unwillingness to do her job. Can you coach "P" that it is not her responsibility to take the other child home and that she has to go to class. The school will call Mom to get the child and if she doesn't then they will have to get the authorities involved. This seems like the only solution. It seems like it would be more helpful to "P" would be to build her self-esteem and help her learn to set appropriate boundaries when it comes to her mom. This may take time, but you could plant those seeds. I don't think the authorities will be much help to you and really I think you have to let this go. It sounds like that no matter what happens, the kids have been RU and that's it from the authorities point of view. Take care, I know how hard this has been on you and this is a family situation...just very hard...

P knows it is not her responsibility to do this but if mom doesn't come she doesn't have a choice. She is 12. And she is not going to leave her little brother in the school office when she is specifically told to do otherwise. I don't know any 12 y.o. who is going to defy her mom - and the school - when they are both telling her to do something. The school is letting her down by allowing her to leave and come back IMO.

As for letting this go - that is not going to happen. I have helped raise these children since they were born and I will not just say DCF says mom is doing enough so that's all I can do. My case and our family dynamic are very unique so I understand that a lot of people don't get it. But although the kids were RUed DCF has NOT closed the case after 14 months post-RU because mom has not proven that she will meet their minimal needs w/o help or supervision. I am not talking about asking DCF to reopen a closed case; I am asking them to do their jobs on an open case. And again, the DCF supervisor admitted to me that they should have done a lot of things these past several months that they had not. She expressed legitimate concern about the issues I raised.

I work very hard with P to improve her self-esteem and allow her outlets to be a child and to feel good about herself. But I also recognize that she lives with a BPD mom who makes everything about her.

Please know I do appreciate the feedback even when I disagree with it.

[racingwife20]

Here's my issue - P is leaving with MM to take him home to Mom, but who's to say that Mom is actually there when P drops MM off? I think it's very dangerous for the school to assume that Mom is actually home waiting for MM if she can't be bothered to come and pick him up herself. The school should not rely on P or even allow her to take her brother home, she's only 12 and in many states, not even old enough to babysit on her own. The school should give Mom a certain amount of time to come and get MM, and if she doesn't, they should contact the authorities - CPS, the police, whoever will take the issue seriously. I'm sure after these agencies are called on several occassions, they will see that Mom is not providing adequate care/supervision for the kids.

I hate that P has so much responsibility on her shoulders at her age - it's heartbreaking that she is acting as the parent because her own mother doesn't seem interested. And an open case 14 months post RU is beyond me and should have been grounds for TPR because obviously Mom has learned nothing, and if she has, she chooses not to apply it.

[MomInCorazon]

Originally Posted by racingwife20

Here's my issue - P is leaving with MM to take him home to Mom, but who's to say that Mom is actually there when P drops MM off? I think it's very dangerous for the school to assume that Mom is actually home waiting for MM if she can't be bothered to come and pick him up herself. The school should not rely on P or even allow her to take her brother home, she's only 12 and in many states, not even old enough to babysit on her own. The school should give Mom a certain amount of time to come and get MM, and if she doesn't, they should contact the authorities - CPS, the police, whoever will take the issue seriously. I'm sure after these agencies are called on several occassions, they will see that Mom is not providing adequate care/supervision for the kids.

I hate that P has so much responsibility on her shoulders at her age - it's heartbreaking that she is acting as the parent because her own mother doesn't seem interested. And an open case 14 months post RU is beyond me and should have been grounds for TPR because obviously Mom has learned nothing, and if she has, she chooses not to apply it.

Thank you. I really needed to hear that other people think this is a big deal too. I do know that MM isn't being left alone - mom *is* home down the street with the baby all day - but you're right that the school doesn't know that. And P should be focusing on her school work not on taking care of her little brother during school hours! I feel like too many people write situations like this off with a "it could be worse" mentality and it enrages me. P deserves to be looked out for - by her school and by DCF if not by her mom.

As for the open case...mom has also cancelled 3 or their last 4 in-home therapy sessions (twice because she didn't want to leave her boyfriend's), allowed P to go 5 days without her antidepressants because the bottle was "lost" but didn't call P's doc for an emergency refill and has had MM sleep without pull-ups for months despite the fact that he has an immature bladder and wets himself more nights than not (and then sleeps in his wet sheets which are not washed routinely). And this is all post-RU.

[Hoping2adoptsibs]

Can you have someone else be a concerned "neighbor" and report it?

[racingwife20]

Originally Posted by Hoping2adoptsibs

Can you have someone else be a concerned "neighbor" and report it?

Wish I could be that neighbor and do just that! That or one of the teachers!

DCF is really dropping the ball if Mom is cancelling appointments and not getting meds - sure cancelling an appointment here and there happens, BUT 3 of the last 4 should be a red flag to DCF and they should become more involved.

I fear P's responsibilities for MM are only going to increase as she becomes older - Mom's going to use that as a means to do what she wants because she has P to watch MM for her. Totally not acceptable.

[Live.and.Learn]

My son's high school is a closed campus. The students can't just up and leave for 20-30 minutes.

Too bad an officer doesn't just happen to be parked outside school when P leaves to go get MM. The officer could take her back into school and the officer could speak to the principal/ administrators. I live in a smaller town and the police have practically nothing to do. They are often willing to iron out "issues". Idk. Just an idea.

How frustrating. Good luck.