[brownplus2]

Hubby and I have been praying about adopting a child for a couple of years and feel it is time. We have choosen to do foster to adopt. However, I have found out today that it isn't that easy. We want a sibling group of teenagers. But it seems we have to start by fostering only.

The reason I am afraid is that I can't imagine caring for children and then they are reunited with birth parents at some point. I know I will be so attached and I just don't know if I can handle that emotionally.

Anyone out there have any experience or can share anything to help me?

Dana

[Mommy2NoneHopefully1]

Hi, There are so many teens waiting to be adopted, I'm not sure who told you that you HAD to foster first? Here in Houston we had to foster to adopt just because of the young age we wanted but thats generally not the case with teens & may be agency specific. You may want to state where you are located so some of the others on the board can help you maybe find an agency that can license you to straight adopt. I don't know that there is ANYTHING anyone can say to ever prepare you to say goodbye to a child you are raising, its terrifying to even think about.

[digmykids]

There are so many kids needing adopted, if you feel strongly about the feelings you have then maybe you need to look into adopting a teenage sibling group from another source?
Just a thought, as a foster parent (even fost/adopt) you have to be on board with RU.
I hope others have good advice. I'm sending you great thoughts and vibes though

[MomInCorazon]

I would encourage you to check out AdoptUSKids. There are TONS of teens waiting to be adopted and I am sure you do not have to foster first if you truly don't want to. Contact them and see if they can help you through your specific state/circumstances.

[Rosey23]

Hi Dana,
I am a new foster mom and focus on teens (13-18). My husband and I wanted to foster/adopt teen boys with a focus on teens stepping down from group homes or treatment centers. In my county it is very unlikely that we will adopt but will long term foster. My first and current placement is a permanent foster home placement, we'll have him until he is 18 and possible longer if he accepts services. Many older children do not want to be adopted either. We have been warned that often teens will go right back to the family they were removed from at 18 or want to get as far away from "the system" as possible. But after a few months on their own often come back to their foster families for help. Our hope to to be a long term resource and support, a place to go for holidays or to ask for help. In my short experience the teens we have been approached about have little or no bio-family involvement.

What I have learned is you need to find the right people in the system to support you in this. The first 7 months of being certified we received very few calls and had a CW that kept trying to push younger children on us. It was very confusing because in our training we meet some CWs that worked with teens and said there was a huge need for help. In hindsight I would have gone around my CW sooner and reached out to those CW.

The other things I'd point out is that older kids can have more issues including their own criminal actions, so be very clear on what you are and are not willing to deal with. My deal breakers are fire starters and any harm to animals. And smoking which has limited our options for children as well.

On a positive note, my teen coming from a group home has had a lot of therapy, talks very openly with us, and is so much fun to be around. We know more about him then a straight placement, there are plans in place with his CW to address any issues and we get a nice transition time period to make sure we are a good match. He can talk very openly about awkward situations - like when I get mistaken for his mom. Even if something happens and he did not move in, I would not trade the last month with him for anything.

[arbuckle17]

You have to foster any kid for 6 mo before you can apply to adopt to ensure the kid and you bond.

It can take several months for you to get to the point that you see the true teen under the smoke and mirrors.

The good news is if you are clear that your intention is to adopt and you license for a concurrent home they will do their best to focus on placing kids that are up for adoption or headed for termination.

Teens tend to be the hardes to place as well, so if you are open to them chances are good they will find a match fast.

[MomInCorazon]

Originally Posted by arbuckle17

You have to foster any kid for 6 mo before you can apply to adopt to ensure the kid and you bond.

I'm sorry but this is not quite true. You must have the child in your home for 6 months before the adoption can be finalized but it is not the same thing as them being in your home as a foster child.

How to Adopt - AdoptUSKids

[Mommy2NoneHopefully1]

Originally Posted by arbuckle17

You have to foster any kid for 6 mo before you can apply to adopt to ensure the kid and you bond.

I'm not sure where you are but I adopted my son from DFPS / CPS & I never fostered him. The 6 month period before you finalize your adoption isn't fostering, its still an adoptive placement. If the children have TPR & are straight adopt they move in as an adoptive placement, you just have 6 months before you can consummate the adoption.

[carmen90]

You don't need to foster if you want to adopt teenagers - there are literally thousands of waiting teenagers. Pretty much all of them will have issues, many very significant ones, so research well before deciding what to accept. But you can be approved purely for straight adoption.

[brownplus2]

Originally Posted by Rosey23

Hi Dana,
I am a new foster mom and focus on teens (13-18). My husband and I wanted to foster/adopt teen boys with a focus on teens stepping down from group homes or treatment centers. In my county it is very unlikely that we will adopt but will long term foster. My first and current placement is a permanent foster home placement, we'll have him until he is 18 and possible longer if he accepts services. Many older children do not want to be adopted either. We have been warned that often teens will go right back to the family they were removed from at 18 or want to get as far away from "the system" as possible. But after a few months on their own often come back to their foster families for help. Our hope to to be a long term resource and support, a place to go for holidays or to ask for help. In my short experience the teens we have been approached about have little or no bio-family involvement.

What I have learned is you need to find the right people in the system to support you in this. The first 7 months of being certified we received very few calls and had a CW that kept trying to push younger children on us. It was very confusing because in our training we meet some CWs that worked with teens and said there was a huge need for help. In hindsight I would have gone around my CW sooner and reached out to those CW.

The other things I'd point out is that older kids can have more issues including their own criminal actions, so be very clear on what you are and are not willing to deal with. My deal breakers are fire starters and any harm to animals. And smoking which has limited our options for children as well.

On a positive note, my teen coming from a group home has had a lot of therapy, talks very openly with us, and is so much fun to be around. We know more about him then a straight placement, there are plans in place with his CW to address any issues and we get a nice transition time period to make sure we are a good match. He can talk very openly about awkward situations - like when I get mistaken for his mom. Even if something happens and he did not move in, I would not trade the last month with him for anything.

WOW, thank you so much for your help. I haven't been able to check my replys for a couple of days, but was so happy to get this one. You seem to be on the same page with me. I will keep in mind all of what you have said and may come back to you in the future if you don't mind. Thanks, Dana

[brownplus2]

Thanks to everyone for your advice and help. I am contacting a couple of other agencies at current. I think I will be on this site pretty often. LOL BTW, we live in VA and the agency I spoke with was the County Dept. of SS. I am trying The Children's Home Society now and another one too. We will see what happens.

Dana

[mandy201o1]

Im not too sure.. but i live in Canada and here we have a choice to (a)foster, (b) foster to adopt or (c)adopt.... foster adopt you still have a chance to lose the child if the courts decide that the bio parent should have custudy. The childbasicly is not up for adoption as of yet. but with adoption there is a 6 month kinda probation wich is too ensure the child is happy and they do surprise vitits.

[hopefulandwatching]

All I can tell you is that around here, they would have you go through the process of getting your license(simply because they know that process covers all the bases) and then they would match you with legally free teens who are waiting for a forever family! They would be THRILLED to have you here...and you would not have to foster...we have had to foster because we wanted teeny tiny ones...and that is the only way to have em! But, teens...oh, my! They would have moved Heaven and Earth for us to find kids if we'd said that!

[alys1]

You will be smart to go through an agency, I believe. MomInCorazon is correct, absolutely click through on her links to AdoptUSKids. They can be great advocates for people serious about adopting.

You want to find children whose parents' rights have already been terminated. If you truly fear losing a child -- and you are right to fear it, it's devastating -- don't ever ever accept a child who still has parental rights intact. 30 things could go wrong if so.

Do you have other children in the home?

And may I suggest that you find some way to volunteer with an agency that's serving teens who have been in foster care? There are some big issues that a lot of these children have in common, that are rough to deal with. Rosey23 mentioned some. The child who runs back to bio-family is a well-known one, but there are other issues. If you can get any therapeutic level training, I would take every course I possibly could.