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  #1  
Old 10-03-2011, 07:48 PM
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virtuousheaven virtuousheaven is offline
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Heart Kinship vs Foster Parent

Hi I have a cousin that now has 3 young kids with this girl. She has 4 kids. The older one is 7 and she live with her grandparents. A 3 year old in Foster care in Florida and I have done ICPC home studies for relative care, foster care and now adoption. The fight is she has been with her foster family for 2 years now. I do visits with her but the foster mom fight me with that. She really want to adopt her. The 2 year old was adopted at birth. And there is a 1 month old in Texas and I am currently going through the ICPC home study for him. I live alone and I no I can pass all the home studies. I am just so scared because the foster families want to adopt the kids. I feel like I am family and I have setup bedrooms for the kids and I love them. I am trying to keep them together and also with family. Am I wrong for wanting this? Am I wrong for trying to at least keep these 2 siblings together. I am not trying to hurt he foster parents but I myself have just been licensed in GA as a foster parent and I learned in class is is about ru if not with bio parents maybe family. Do I stand a chance or do I give up and walk away? I no if I give up I will never see the kids again. Both parents have stated the want me to get both the kids and raise them together however, they have terminated their rights on the 3 yo and the 1 month old they have court 10/30. I really love these kids and I want to raise them together. Am I wrong? The first cw in Florida denied my home study and I was not given a reason. Then she got a new cw and she requested another home study and that one was passed with flying colors. Please tell me what I need to do. Again I am not trying to hurt the foster parents I am simply trying to keep the kids in the family.
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Home Study approved!: 3/31/2011
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1st child placed at birth 7/17/2007: Z-MAN
2nd child 3year old lil cousin in Florida waiting to adopt!
Approved 11/22/2011 Judge signed order for placement with me.
11/26/2011 I brought her home!
4/2/2012 ADOPTION FINALIZED

3rd child 1 month old lil cousin in Texas waiting to adopt! Sibling to the 3 year old!
Approved 2/27/2011 Judge signed order for placement with me.
3/8/2012 Little guy was brought to GA 6 months old now
4/10/2012 Parents TPR'd on lil man. GAL submitted my adoption request.




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  #2  
Old 10-03-2011, 08:06 PM
soldoutforjesus soldoutforjesus is offline
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i was in the same boat three years ago and we did walk away because it was in the best interest of the girls. they were in a home for a long time, had a bond that was strong, didnt know us at all, family or not. would you want to be ripped from a home where this is the only 'family' you know. i assume you learned what disruptions do to children when you went through your FP training. Would the foster parents be willing to have contact with you if they adopt? ours are, and they are fabulous about pictures, ujpdates, facebook, etc. sometimes loving means letting go when it'ws best for the other people....
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  #3  
Old 10-04-2011, 05:09 AM
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virtuousheaven virtuousheaven is offline
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soldoutforjesus, I understand exactly what you are saying. However, I have visits with the child and her grandmother (my aunt) passed away last year and when I contacted the foster mother she said she didn't want the child to go to the funeral. She (the fm) does not want the child to have anything to do with the family. I mean I have her sibling who is only 5 weeks old now. I feel like they need to be together. They have other siblings the oldest who lives with the grandparents (mothers parents) and a 2yo sister who was adopted out at birth. I mean I a a licensed fm here in GA and in my class I learned that reunification either with bio or family members. I understand that she has a bond/relationship with the fp however she has the same with myself. It is so hard when we have our visits and she cries when we have to depart. I have been going through this for the past 2 years because my cousin the father rights was just tpr in Aug/Sept. And I think if the fm was open to she and I having a relationship I would feel better because I do have her baby brother and it will allow them to have a relationship however once/if she gets to adopt the child we wont be able to see her or have NO contact with her. Now that's not fair!
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1st IMPACT class: 4/11/2011
IMPACT class completed: 4/21/2011
Home study completed: 3/3/2011
Home study submitted for approval: 3/5/2011
Home Study approved!: 3/31/2011
Foster License approved!: 10/7/2011

1st child placed at birth 7/17/2007: Z-MAN
2nd child 3year old lil cousin in Florida waiting to adopt!
Approved 11/22/2011 Judge signed order for placement with me.
11/26/2011 I brought her home!
4/2/2012 ADOPTION FINALIZED

3rd child 1 month old lil cousin in Texas waiting to adopt! Sibling to the 3 year old!
Approved 2/27/2011 Judge signed order for placement with me.
3/8/2012 Little guy was brought to GA 6 months old now
4/10/2012 Parents TPR'd on lil man. GAL submitted my adoption request.




Mother of 25 yo son; 22 yo daughter
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  #4  
Old 10-04-2011, 09:01 AM
Longing2bMom Longing2bMom is offline
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I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I would let her go to the foster parents. She is not bonded to the infant sibling that you have, nor is she likely bonded to the other siblings who are spread out over several states. She may know you and care for you, but that surely is not the same bond she feels for the family that has been raising her for 2 years. I know it will be hard, but I think it would be in the best interest of the child to stay with the family she knows.

I don't know what your chances of winning would be if you were to decide to fight for custody. It would depend on the laws in Florida. I know in my own home state, the foster parents would have a very, very good chance of winning because here foster parents are generally considered to be equal to bio-relatives after having a child for only 6 months.

As for the grandmother's funeral, I too would be hesitant to send a child so young to a funeral, especially of a relative who she was not close to (I'm assuming they were not close since the child has been in foster care for 2 years with only limited contact with birth family).

I know this is a tough decision for you. I can't imagine how I would feel if one of my beloved neices were being adopted out of the family. Good luck in whatever you decide.
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  #5  
Old 10-04-2011, 09:19 AM
justasmile justasmile is offline
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I am not sure all that is involved in one, but I've seen mention of Bonding Evaluations before.

I'm sure the major goal here is what is best for the child. How is the child bonded to you? How has the child bonded to FP's? Would it be good, bad, indifferent if the child were to move from FP's home to your home?

I can't speak from the sibling point of view. I have never had a sibling and don't feel "bonded" in any way to another person my age, like that. DH was adopted and even though he has a younger brother (also adopted) they never really bonded. Some people just have so very little in common even when raised in the same home. So my perspective and experiences can't help you at all there.

All I can say is, best of luck in making your decision. I would want to, as a family member, know how the child was being raised in the home. What their future looked like, what type of opportunies they'll have, et. Those things would be so important to me to ensure that the child is being raised in a loving caring environment.

I think with any potential adoption, it's only healthy for the potential parents to understand that the child may feel a number of different ways about being adopted.

Some kids just don't care. They see their adoptive parents as the only parents they've ever had and don't want to/dream of knowing their bio parents or family (my husband falls into this category). DH's parents tried to encourage his native culture, but DH never cared... not since day one. Personality wise, he's just who he is... an american boy - even though born to a completely different culture and country.

Some kids are genuinely curious about their background and bio family. My cousin (intl adoption) had the opportunity to meet with his family in his mid teens. This was very hard on him. To be able to meet his mom his half-siblings (much younger than he). To see people that look just like him but he has NO connection other than blood. It was hard on bio mom and son. Clearly she loved him. Clearly she did what was best for him at the time. These are very difficult emotions to work through.

Then there's the kid that just never fits in with adoptive parents. Maybe it's personality or bonding issues. That child is looking for their bio family. They may find "home" there, or they may not... maybe that's not even what's missing.

All of these are things (and much more) that the adoptive home will face. There will be questions, they have to accept them, answer as best they can and not push it under the rug.
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  #6  
Old 10-04-2011, 09:22 AM
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skc515 skc515 is offline
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I ditto Longing2bmom. IMO it's in the 3yrold's best interests to stay with the foster family. 2 years is a LONG time for a 3yrold. I also think it's a bit unreasonable to be in a huff about the FM saying no to a 2yo not going to the funeral of a relative s/he didn't/barely knew.

I would however fight hard for the baby. I would push for expedited placement. He has not been in care long, and if they move quickly the harm wouldn't be as great.
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Last edited by skc515 : 10-04-2011 at 09:24 AM.
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  #7  
Old 10-04-2011, 10:16 AM
NotDoneYet NotDoneYet is offline
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I'm honestly torn. I am sure if I was the fp I would feel the best place for the kids would be with me after 2 years, but I'd also be happy to have an open adoption with apporopriate family. In most cases I think it's in the Childs best interest to stay close with family and bc this foster family is unwilling it would make me have serious reservations about them and if they were my nieces and nephews I'd be more likely to fight for them in this situation. Hard situation, I don't know what the right solution is.
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  #8  
Old 10-04-2011, 10:27 AM
justasmile justasmile is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NotDoneYet
I'm honestly torn. I am sure if I was the fp I would feel the best place for the kids would be with me after 2 years, but I'd also be happy to have an open adoption with apporopriate family. In most cases I think it's in the Childs best interest to stay close with family and bc this foster family is unwilling it would make me have serious reservations about them and if they were my nieces and nephews I'd be more likely to fight for them in this situation. Hard situation, I don't know what the right solution is.

I second this.
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  #9  
Old 10-04-2011, 12:14 PM
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wcurry66 wcurry66 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NotDoneYet
I'm honestly torn. I am sure if I was the fp I would feel the best place for the kids would be with me after 2 years, but I'd also be happy to have an open adoption with apporopriate family. In most cases I think it's in the Childs best interest to stay close with family and bc this foster family is unwilling it would make me have serious reservations about them and if they were my nieces and nephews I'd be more likely to fight for them in this situation. Hard situation, I don't know what the right solution is.


I third this
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  #10  
Old 10-04-2011, 04:25 PM
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Here's my thing.. is the foster parent reacting because the relative is being too pushy? IMO if a relative was pushing for a 2yr old to go to a relatively unknown person's funeral, I may be offended.

It's hard *not* to get your defenses up when relatives approach you in not the best way. The way I read it is that she may have accidentally offended the FM by being too pushy, which led to a contentious relationship.

A relationship that could potentially be healed if bridges haven't been burnt.

I speak as a foster parent very willing to have relative contact as well as it's appropriate. I have some relatives that sound very familiar to the OP who are pushy and treat me like trash. The whole you're a babysitter and nothing more to the child attitude. I really get the same sort of attitude from the OP. (Again, I may just be overly sensitive due to recently experiencing this with relatives.)

OP.. I would suggest you try to mend the relationship with the the FM. You're both on the same side. Most likely she hasn't handled things well, as well as you haven't handled things well. A heart to heart may be in order.
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  #11  
Old 10-04-2011, 05:08 PM
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virtuousheaven virtuousheaven is offline
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Thanks for understanding! I am not being selfish and I do regular visits with her. I mean the fp don't even want her to have visits with me. I wouldn't have a problem IF she would at least have an open adoption. I mean EVERYTIME I come to Florida for a visit I make sure I contact her cw so I can have a visit and they allow us to spend the week or weekend together. I mean I have been fighting for her for the entire time she has been in the system and it has been things that I had no control over. But I have not given up. For some reason it's like GOD won't turn me away. I feel for the fp but I feel for myself as well. I am willing to allow them to continue to be in her life if she is allowed to come here. I have even thought about relocating to Florida after she is placed here because my family is there also. I have given her my address, phone number and email address. She won't open up at all and I feel we should both be thinking about the child. Now that's not being fair.

As far as her lil brother goes I thought it would be a great idea for them to at least be together since they don't have their other siblings or their parents. I am just so torn. I mean I feel like family is so important. I just don't no what to do.
__________________
1st IMPACT class: 4/11/2011
IMPACT class completed: 4/21/2011
Home study completed: 3/3/2011
Home study submitted for approval: 3/5/2011
Home Study approved!: 3/31/2011
Foster License approved!: 10/7/2011

1st child placed at birth 7/17/2007: Z-MAN
2nd child 3year old lil cousin in Florida waiting to adopt!
Approved 11/22/2011 Judge signed order for placement with me.
11/26/2011 I brought her home!
4/2/2012 ADOPTION FINALIZED

3rd child 1 month old lil cousin in Texas waiting to adopt! Sibling to the 3 year old!
Approved 2/27/2011 Judge signed order for placement with me.
3/8/2012 Little guy was brought to GA 6 months old now
4/10/2012 Parents TPR'd on lil man. GAL submitted my adoption request.




Mother of 25 yo son; 22 yo daughter
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  #12  
Old 10-04-2011, 05:19 PM
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virtuousheaven virtuousheaven is offline
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skc515 I understand where you are coming from being a foster parent myself however, I have never treated the fp like she was just a fp or babysitter. All I have ever done out of respect was come to her about the child before going to the cw. What she got upset about was when I tod her almost 2 years ago I was going to have a home study done to try to get her (the child) out of foster care. She (the foster mom) said she was promised in the beginning that she would be able to adopt the child and NO family would come for her because the bioparents were young and really didn't/don't no any better. I am a well educated woman and mother. I respect those who may not respect me. I feel for the fp cause they have opened their heart and home to the child. I too have a foster child that I have had since he was 3 days old and he is now 4 years old. His family is trying to get him and I allow them to take him for weekends and overnight visits. I love this little fellow like I gave birth to him myself but his bio family love him too. They have even asked me to go ahead and adopt him but allow them to still have visits. And because I love him I will do this. And this is truly all I am asking and I don't feel I am being neither pushy or unrealistic. I think as fp we sometimes bash the bio parents for whatever reason their child(ren) may have been taken from them and we put the rest of the family in the same pot and everyone is not the same!
__________________
1st IMPACT class: 4/11/2011
IMPACT class completed: 4/21/2011
Home study completed: 3/3/2011
Home study submitted for approval: 3/5/2011
Home Study approved!: 3/31/2011
Foster License approved!: 10/7/2011

1st child placed at birth 7/17/2007: Z-MAN
2nd child 3year old lil cousin in Florida waiting to adopt!
Approved 11/22/2011 Judge signed order for placement with me.
11/26/2011 I brought her home!
4/2/2012 ADOPTION FINALIZED

3rd child 1 month old lil cousin in Texas waiting to adopt! Sibling to the 3 year old!
Approved 2/27/2011 Judge signed order for placement with me.
3/8/2012 Little guy was brought to GA 6 months old now
4/10/2012 Parents TPR'd on lil man. GAL submitted my adoption request.




Mother of 25 yo son; 22 yo daughter
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  #13  
Old 10-04-2011, 07:42 PM
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ilovelucy72 ilovelucy72 is offline
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I believe you are doing the right thing. In most cases siblings should be together and with family who are suitable. I feel bad for the FP's for being lied to, but you have been trying to get her since the beginning, and you do have her little brother. What upsets me is that they didn't push harder for her to be placed with you as soon as possible.
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  #14  
Old 10-05-2011, 05:25 AM
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I think you need to walk away. This child is in a loving home and the foster parents are the only parents she knows. She is bonded to them in a way she is not bonded to you. It is in her best interest to stay with them.

Sure, you're a relative (a fairly distant one), but blood should never overrule the bond a child has with the family who has raised her 2/3 of her life. Would it be nice to grow up with biological siblings? Sure. It would also just be nice to grow up knowing your biological siblings which she can have either way.

I'm sure the foster parents are on the defensive. I sure would be if someone was fighting to take away the child I had raised for two years. I would know it was not in her best interest to have that bond broken. As for the funeral... Who drags a two year old to a funeral anyway? It isn't like she is going to understand. My son is four now and I wouldn't take him to a funeral.

I would sit down and talk with the foster parents. Explain that you will let them adopt the child, but would like an open relationship between her and her siblings and pictures and updates. That is what is in her best interest.
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Old 10-05-2011, 10:28 AM
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i disagree with most

the child has been in care for a long time but its not the fault of the op she has stated that she came forth from the beginning and childrens services ahs delayed placement with her and most likely its because children services had already promised this child to the fosterparents for adoption which they do alot of time so they figured if they delayed placing this child with family family would just give up & go away and they could keep their promise to the fp..If i were the op i would continue to fight for placement of my family member and then offer the fp to be god parents i wouldnt remoe them from the childs life and no matter what we as fosterparents have to remember that these children have a family no matter what we are promised if a family member steps up we should respect that and do what we can to be civil to these people..I am currently in process of adopting my @ yr old foster daughter and her mom signed a voluntary surrender for me but not for her other 3 children all older all in care longer than my fd and they were in the same home 7 5 & 3 yrs with the same family and her reasoning is because when she got herself together and started working her plan and recieved visits the other fp were rude to her made complaints about her and even spoke bad about her to her eldest daughter so she decided they werent fit to adopt her children regardless of time the children were there and she did all she needed to do to have them returned to her but surrendered my fd to me. i see everyone saying the child is in a good home & bonded to the fp how do we know this? how do we know the child has a good bond with her fp? we dont length of time in a home doesnt necessarily mean everything is goin great and there is a good bond there to the op i say continue fighting you have done nothing wrong and it is within your rights as a family member to keep your cousin with family and raise her with her brother
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