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  #1  
Old 09-30-2011, 10:46 AM
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mncathmom mncathmom is offline
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Unhappy We are disrupting our placement

We have decided to disrupt our foster placement (4 yr old twins) we had them for almost 3 mo. when they left us for a trial placement with their mom in a therapeutic setting, that didn't work and 11 days later they came back, now 2 months later I know that this is not going to work, they are lovely and beautiful and sweet, but they are also very, very abusive to me and others and have so many emotional issues, the goal is RU with mom and to have mom share custody with bio dad (so now they are seeing both of them during the week) as each visit gets longer.. the twins behavior worsens, they have been violent towards me as well as my children. One moment they are these sweet little dolls and in less than a second they are hitting me in my face. My husband has taken a job that has him gone 4 days of the week.. so I'm home with six kids and I'm pretty much burnt out! The guilt I'm having over disrupting has made me sick this week, knowing that I needed to do it and actually doing it. I tried to do it on Monday and the social worker talked me out of it, well, yesterday I finally stood up for myself and said "no more" and now they are treating me like crap and the kids are leaving today.. I never said they needed to move them that fast, but I guess its for the best. My heart is breaking, but deep down, I know that for my own kids and my marriage.. they need to go. At the same time, I'm so scared that now that I've disrupted I'll never get the chance to foster again, that social services will think I'm unreliable and always find a different family.. please keep me in your prayers... I just want this day over
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stay at home mommy

wife to Jim for 18 years

mom to dd 18
mom to ds 16
mom to ds 13
mom to ds 8

licensed for foster/adopt since July 09

4 yr old twins came into our care 4/27/11 left 7/21/11

4 yr old twins: came back into our care 8/2/11
Left our care 9/30/11
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  #2  
Old 09-30-2011, 11:02 AM
TemporaryMom TemporaryMom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mncathmom
At the same time, I'm so scared that now that I've disrupted I'll never get the chance to foster again, that social services will think I'm unreliable and always find a different family.. please keep me in your prayers... I just want this day over

I sure hope that doesn't happen. We discussed this issue in our training and while it isn't always good, there are times when it is needed. Often at the time of placement, the placing agency doesn't have the full background on the child. Quite simply, some children need to be in homes with no other kids, or with just a mom, or just a dad, or a mom and dad. Rarely do they figure this out when they first take the kids in.

At that age, I am quite certain that they will have no problem placing them. Don't beat yourself up too much. You have to do the right thing for you first. Just like they say on the airplane, take care of yourself first and then help others. You and your family come first.

Big Hugs though. I can imagine how hard this is on you.
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=================================
No Longer Just a Temporary Mother
Children:
AS Chubbs

Current Placement:
Mr. Blue Eyes - 8 months older than AS - goal: Adoption By Me!/Concurrent Reunification/Family Custody

Former Placements:
Princess and her sis Monkey - 2 years
Respite: Big Sis and Lil Sis - 10 days
****************************************************************************************
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  #3  
Old 09-30-2011, 11:10 AM
MomInCorazon MomInCorazon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TemporaryMom
Don't beat yourself up too much. You have to do the right thing for you first. Just like they say on the airplane, take care of yourself first and then help others. You and your family come first.

Big Hugs though. I can imagine how hard this is on you.

Ditto!!! Sending hugs your way...
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  #4  
Old 09-30-2011, 11:15 AM
alys1 alys1 is offline
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These workers have seen scores or hundreds or thousands of FPs let hundreds or thousands of children go. If they are guilt-tripping you about it -- that is the LEAST professional response possible. It's ridiculous and unnecessary. *They* should be worried that if they mistreat you that you'll just drop out. In my state, about 50% of FPs drop out every year, treatment like this being one reason.

One of the reasons FPs let children go is because the initial description of the children's behavior was fake or understated. It's a "sales job", vs an honest presentation. I am sure this was the case for you. Think about it, what were you told about these boys?

I know people whose children have been harmed by foster children. You *must* do what's necessary for the health of your children, physical, emotional, mental. As well as your own health on all 3 levels... you are the hearth fire your children warm themselves at, replenish themselves at. You're making the absolute correct decision.
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  #5  
Old 09-30-2011, 11:24 AM
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digmykids digmykids is offline
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I think we all have that fear of retaliation for disrupting. I know I do/would.
You cant allow FC to make life miserable and dangerous for your bio family. That's not why you decided to foster, no not all kids will be a walk in the park but when it's really that bad then you have to choose to protect your family.
Hang in there and (((BIG HUGS)))
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AS 24 yrs old
AS 23 yrs old
BioS 16 yrs old
BioS 12 yrs old

Current placements:


FD Newborn plan: RU placed at 2 days old 1-14
FS 13 Plan: Adoption by non family member. 7-14

Former placements: Just too many to put down now. We do ER work as well as long term
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  #6  
Old 09-30-2011, 12:39 PM
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mncathmom mncathmom is offline
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Without a doubt these children need to be in a home where they are the only children, and we were the third placement for them and the previous ones stressed this (now we find out!!!) so they did find someone to take them who doesn't have any kids as hers are all grown (she is a grandma and she has taken the twins for respite before, so they do know her). I'm very frustrated that we are just finding out now that the pastfoster parents also said the twins really need to be in a home with no other kids
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stay at home mommy

wife to Jim for 18 years

mom to dd 18
mom to ds 16
mom to ds 13
mom to ds 8

licensed for foster/adopt since July 09

4 yr old twins came into our care 4/27/11 left 7/21/11

4 yr old twins: came back into our care 8/2/11
Left our care 9/30/11
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  #7  
Old 09-30-2011, 12:58 PM
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MomGoingCrazy MomGoingCrazy is offline
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We have had to disrupt before and it comes down to what is best for your family. You did the right thing. Our phone rang pretty soon after we disrupted and now our home is full again.

Hugs!!
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BD- H- 10 yo
Step-D- M- 9yo
BS- C- 8 yo

Prior Placements:
FS- I- 11 yo - left on 5/24/11
FD- R- 9 yo - left 7/10/11
FS- little D- 6 yo- left 1/12
FS- big D- 7 yo- left 1/12
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  #8  
Old 09-30-2011, 12:59 PM
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mncathmom mncathmom is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MomGoingCrazy
We have had to disrupt before and it comes down to what is best for your family. You did the right thing. Our phone rang pretty soon after we disrupted and now our home is full again.

Hugs!!


oh, thank you so much, that makes me feel much more hopeful!
__________________
stay at home mommy

wife to Jim for 18 years

mom to dd 18
mom to ds 16
mom to ds 13
mom to ds 8

licensed for foster/adopt since July 09

4 yr old twins came into our care 4/27/11 left 7/21/11

4 yr old twins: came back into our care 8/2/11
Left our care 9/30/11
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  #9  
Old 09-30-2011, 01:11 PM
servnjah servnjah is offline
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We have gotten every single child we've had because someone else disrupted. In fact, the agency EXPECTED me to need to disrupt on the first kid. I was just keeping him as long as I could so he didn't have to spend as much time in the psych hospital before RU (expected in 6 weeks but it was like 11). I kept him til RU even though we were the third placement in 5 months.

Anyway, all this to say that the three homes have had placements since. There was a little judgment of the one due to circumstances, but.... The one home was encouraged to take other placements, but at the time I took the children, planned on closing their home.

I don't think you have anything to worry about.
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Big Sister (21) , Big Brother (19)
Tumbler (8) , Eeyore (7) , and T-lo (6)
Current Foster Kiddo:Squishy (arrived at 2 days old in July)
Current Respite: Tank (10months)
Requesting consideration on a kinship placement of three

Sweet Little Monkey (3) - We will always love you and miss you.
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  #10  
Old 09-30-2011, 03:45 PM
MI2AZ MI2AZ is offline
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I disrupted a placement and was asked, the same day, to take another placement. I, too, was scared that I wouldn't be called again but they continued to call me. You have to do what's right for your family.
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  #11  
Old 09-30-2011, 05:53 PM
Becki_in_IN Becki_in_IN is offline
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I also have gotten calls after I had to disrupt. I've gotta ask though. With dh being gone so much, is now the time to be fostering? Maybe you could just do one instead of two.
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Becki in IN
Adoptive mom to two great girls, ages 18 and 16,
and two little guys, ages 6 and 3
Pre-adoptive mom to J, age 13, and M, age 12
First became a foster parent in 1990
Been fostering for 14 years total
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  #12  
Old 09-30-2011, 10:01 PM
soldoutforjesus soldoutforjesus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MomGoingCrazy
We have had to disrupt before and it comes down to what is best for your family. You did the right thing. Our phone rang pretty soon after we disrupted and now our home is full again.

Hugs!!


the agency we are with is completely about the foster kids as it should be. if you disrupt for any reason other than the kids putting you in severe damage, they will black ball you and not give you more placements...
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  #13  
Old 10-01-2011, 06:38 AM
krissyp1234 krissyp1234 is offline
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I think you have a legitimate reason to disrupt and your agency should respect that. I have disrupted a placement and although the agency told me I should have asked for more help they understood and I got a placement three weeks later. On the other hand I had a friend that my agency dropped when she disrupted 2 placements...one right after the other. Her excuses were more emotional and they pulled her license. Your reasons are well founded...good luck and let us know how it goes. K
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  #14  
Old 10-01-2011, 06:43 AM
jmd5294 jmd5294 is offline
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I think you are totally justified in asking them to move these children.
We asked for a toddler to be moved back in May of this year. She was out of our age range, we said yes b/c it was midnight, and then we realized that we had our age range for a reason!! They moved her, and 2 weeks later, we got another baby.
I was also scared that they would not call us again, but they did. They will call you, too. Don't worry!!
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AS, 5 y.o.
AS, 4 y.o.
FS, 6 months
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  #15  
Old 10-01-2011, 08:42 AM
cedarsleeping cedarsleeping is offline
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We took a little guy a few weeks ago from a previous foster home. Can I just say that sometimes it's just not a match, and what is problematic for you, may end up a huge positive for the next foster parent? :-). Don't feel guilty -- it's okay. This little guy was overstimulated around lots of children -- and is LOVING being here (and we LOVE having him).
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2011 - 2012 3 (RU)
2011 3 (kin then RU)
2011 4, 12, 14 (RU)
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