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  #1  
Old 09-25-2011, 06:51 AM
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Is8enough Is8enough is offline
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Adoption regrets?

Hi all, I am looking for someone who's BTDT. We are a 49 and 50, and have been fostering for about 13 years now. Many kids have come and gone. We have adopted and bio kids who are all in their late teens, early 20's. We now have a 5 yr old FD who's parents will be TPRd pretty soon. I love this little girl to pieces, as does everyone in our family. She has been with us for 19 mths. She has been in and out of foster care quite a bit and has really settled in with our family. My dilemma is whether or not to adopt. I REALLY felt like we were done adopting, and now we are fostering to "help out" if you will. My dh and I both love her, but we were looking forward to spending time with each other now that our kids are getting older. However, we can't help but wonder if we should adopt once again. She has come such a long way since she's been with us, after going through such horrible abuse and neglect. She finally trusts us and is doing so well. How do we just move her?
It seems so heartless to let her go after being here for so long and thriving so much. Anyway, we are seriously thinking about adopting her, for her best interest. (don't get me wrong, we absolutely do love her, and if it were 5 years ago, we would have done it in a heartbeat.) My question is, has anyone ever adopted but later on regretted the decision. Does love really conquer all???
Maybe no one has ever been through this particular scenario, but I've noticed on this forum that many people take their fc's siblings and adopt them so the kids can be together. Maybe that's somewhat close to what I'm asking about regrets?
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  #2  
Old 09-25-2011, 07:18 AM
servnjah servnjah is offline
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A couple thoughts.

First, I think you could adopt and love doing so. I know a couple older than y'all (considerably so) with a younger child who is still trying for more kiddos.

And though you may mourn the life you could have had, you'll also love the new life. Really, if everyone thinks "what if" either way. No different for you.

One thought, if you had gotten her five years ago, she would have been a baby. And you could have adopted her then. And now have a five year old now

HOWEVER, before I sound like I'm all for you doing this, I completely agree with you NOT adopting also. Fact is, you've given this child something wonderful. That will follow her through her life. And she'll get an awesome home with a family who will love her dearly and will help her continue to progress.

And you might even get to be able to follow her progress, just as her former foster parents rather than her mom and dad.

Even though you love her, I don't think that the right *reason* for adopting is "how could you not considering the circumstances." It is NOT heartless and it isn't in her best interest to do it "because it's in her best interest." JMO.

Of course, I can't possibly help you make your decision. It sounds really really rough! I think it can work out beautifully regardless. We also have gone back and forth on trying to decide whether we're looking for forever children or simply trying to help.
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  #3  
Old 09-25-2011, 08:29 AM
elk134 elk134 is offline
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Servnjah put it perfectly! I know I was thinking the same thing, but no way it would have come across that clear.

You have done a wonderful thing for this little girl. Because you have done so well, I am sure she will thrive in her new home, should you decide not to adopt. (And make some family extremly ecstatic to add her to their family.) There is nothing wrong with wanting time for you and DH right now. Nor is there anything wrong with wanting to adopt her. Either way will work great for you it sounds like. It sounds like age is not a deciding factor for you, but a small factor maybe. My DH is 47 and we are getting ready (hoping anyway) to adopt a 1 year old, so when she is 5, DH will be 51! I don't even want to think about our ages when she graduates high school.

It's a tough decision, but I think you can rest easy in the fact, that either way you decide, would really be a good decision for both you, DH and the little girl. Good luck!

Last edited by elk134 : 09-25-2011 at 08:31 AM.
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Old 09-25-2011, 01:51 PM
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EZ2Luv EZ2Luv is offline
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As someone who has had biochildren later in life through ART, I would say to go fo it.
However, as others have expressed, if you and DH had plans to retire so to speak and enjoy your time together I can see your dilemma.
Only you can decide and regarless of what anyone says, at the end of the day you two will be the ones that will be her forever parents for the rest of your lives should you decide to go for it.

You guys are not at all that old considering this little girl is now 5 yrs old, it could very well work out perfectly.

I can see how you are on the fence about it but you must do what your heart tells you to do and no amount of justiifying why you should or should go through with the adoption is not going to matter.
.
Most of the time I would say that "love will not conquer all" if ther were severe behavioral problems or cases of RAD where the FPs think that they can love these issures away, but in your case I feel that this is much different and that your love can superceed any doubts.
I can honestly say that being an olde parent is the best thing that I have ever done. I of course didn't have any older children nor did Dh, but there are older parenst here in their 50s and even 60s that have had rich rewarding lives as older parenst. I pray that the right decision is impressed upon your heart for both you two and this little girl that deserves to have a family 100% committed to her, not saying you aren't, but parents that are certain they would like to make a go of it.
I wish you the very best.
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Old 09-25-2011, 07:05 PM
MommysHeart MommysHeart is offline
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Just wanted to say that I hope everything works out well for you, either way you decide. BUT, if this is just because of your age, I would encourage you to go for it! My parents were super young when they had me, but my grandparents on both sides had been "older" (50+) when my parents were born. They had a wisdom and maturity in how they raised my parents that they were able to pass down to me, although they were both not even 20 yet when I was born. My mom and dad are both wise beyond their years, and to this day will both tell you they are so thankful their parents were willing to invest so much in them, even though they were ALMOST to retirement and then "started over"....
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Old 09-25-2011, 07:24 PM
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Thank you so much for all the helpful insights. I have to say that it's not really my age that makes me have doubts. I know a few parents my age that also have small kids. The issue I have is that I'm not sure if I want to start over again. I've been a parent for 24 years and my hubby and I were looking forward to having some time to ourselves. Of course, that all means nothing when you are living with a child that is such a part of your family and you can't imagine life without her.
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Old 09-25-2011, 07:54 PM
MI2AZ MI2AZ is offline
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I wasn't going to reply but I guess I will. My husband and I made the decision that once we turn 40, we will no longer accept small children. We were raised by "older parents" and neither of us liked it. With that said, it's a personal decision that everyone needs to make for themselves. What's right for us, may not be right for you.

You said above that age is not what's holding you back. I re-read your initial post and you stated, in it, that you are fostering now to "help out". You then went on to say how far this child has come in your home. So, you have helped out. Does that make sense? You shouldn't feel guilt about wanting some personal time with your spouse.

Whatever decision you make, I'm sure you'll be happy!
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Old 09-25-2011, 07:55 PM
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Maybe you can have both? Could this child be adopted by a wonderful family that will allow frequent contact? Skype and picture messaging are amazing things if they ended up living a good drive away. Almost like an open adoption with birth parents, except it would be the foster parents instead?
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  #9  
Old 09-25-2011, 07:57 PM
servnjah servnjah is offline
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My mom is in her mid-fifties. She and I each had children young. I was sure hubby and I were supposed to have a big family. My mom thinks we're nuts for even considering starting all over. She has had a MARVELOUS life the last 16+years and we have enjoyed watching her do so. And there are aspects of it that are very appealing, especially less worry about money!

Or imagine raising another set of kids....and with all the wonderful parts of parenting, these ones come with an extra big helping of challenge.

We've chosen the latter (at least if things work out...). There certainly is nothing wrong with sipping wine on a mountain top inn in Colorado and biking to Florida though!

If you truly "can't imagine life without her" then maybe she is supposed to stay. But if you think you may be able to live with "thankful she was part of your life," then maybe another family is supposed to be hers.
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Last edited by servnjah : 09-25-2011 at 08:04 PM.
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  #10  
Old 09-25-2011, 10:43 PM
alys1 alys1 is offline
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Where I live "older parent" adoption from foster care is pretty popular. Heck, older people parenting is on the rise, period. Not to mention grandparent parenting...

I've been part of a foster/ foster-adopt support group since 2005. There's a group of older parents who began fostering when their kids were older or in college. Many of them are on their 5th or 7th... adoptions! They're probably in their early 60's now. Caseworkers love them, because they're just incredible parents, they know their limits, and do such a fabulous job with children. One couple takes medically fragile children, she's a nurse: they took a baby boy expected to die soon... he's now about 12 or 13, and *brilliant*. Likely he would've died without them. Another couple just love being parents, both are *so* great with children, the mom especially has the knack, is funny but strict, the kids just love her, always leaning on her. They adopted a 2-year-old at 60-ish, similar scenario as yours. He had become a part of their family, they just couldn't imagine letting him go, worrying if he'd be able to adjust elsewhere or not. Just his anguish at losing them.

Me? I'm older, too. I told my friends, "You go take your art classes or travel in Europe, I want have a second family and heal children." It's my choice, it's what I enjoy most, perhaps because it's so complex. My niche is boys with high emotional/psychological damage, healing them is tons of work but so rewarding. RAD, PTSD, etc. I have support from friends with children, I don't parent "alone" tho single. My aunt calls me "her niece with a calling." I think it is a calling for myself and many others.

Is it a calling for you? Do you love being parents?
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  #11  
Old 09-25-2011, 11:18 PM
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If you were to choose not to adopt your little girl, would you guys continue to foster? If so, for how much longer? I'm thinking that if you were planning on continuing to "help out" anyways, maybe adoption would be a good choice. If you were planning on being done with foster care after she left then there might be a chance later on of regretting adopting. Hope this makes sense?
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  #12  
Old 09-26-2011, 04:39 AM
Becki_in_IN Becki_in_IN is offline
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We will be adopting our 19 mo. old great-nephew soon. Dh is 55 and I'm 53. We have a four year old and two teenagers also. I think my only regrets are not being to do physically some of what I'd like to do. In the winter, I fantasize about going some place warm also.

I think you can do it, but I also think it would be fine to let someone else adopt her. I never had any second thoughts about adopting my girls, but we had to do a lot of soul-searching on the little guys because of our age.
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Old 09-26-2011, 06:35 AM
latinosunshine latinosunshine is offline
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We are on the other side of the coin. While we are not young parents (Dh 38, me 41), we got our children from foster parents who were "too old" to start over. In fact, the foster family intended to close their home after these kids left. But took a baby at the last minute to ease the blow.

We would not have our dream if this particular foster family did not realize their own limits. We were extremely open for the kids having another set of grandparents in their lives. In our case, the openness part did not work out unfortunately for our kids.

However, I am grateful I had the opportunity to raise these children.

Follow your heart. Whether you keep them or continue to foster, either way the kids you have will be blessed beyond measure.
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  #14  
Old 09-26-2011, 05:59 PM
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Here is the simplest way to decide. Ask yourself the following question:

Can I imagine my life without her?

If you can't, then she is meant to be with you. I am not talking about thinking about all the stuff you will miss, but asking if you can live life without her. The "my world is empty without her" feeling. You have fostered many kiddos, so you know what I mean by that. If you can easily picture life without her, then she should go to another family, because the future you already had planned is the right one.

I say this because there are many times when I sit there after a hard day and go "Wow, we have 5, can we really do this???" Then I realize that the idea of giving even one of them up is something I can't face, and just the idea breaks my heart and leaves me shaking.

As a side note, I do support RU 1000% with my kids, and have had some kids go home. If the parents get it together, that is where they belong, and my job is to help it happen. My feelings don't matter, the kids do. When I say I can't imagine giving them up, I mean that if the parents don't then we would keep them, KWIM?
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Old 09-26-2011, 06:19 PM
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when Bubba and Flowergirl became part of our family 2 years ago, i was 48 and ToolMan was 50. the kids were 4 and 6. i am where you are.

we have 3 adult kids in their 20s. we have a teenager--nearly 16. we have 2 littles. i'll be 63 when my baby graduates. we, too, had thought we were finished and were only fostering. surprise!

here's how we decided: could we see our lives without the kids in it? the answer was no, we could not. we wanted to be their parents. we did think long and hard--we were almost to the "finish line!" but we just couldn't quite wrap our brains or hearts around them going somewhere else.

so we chose to adopt. regrets? not yet. i'm the oldest 1st grade mom--that has to count for something! i can't run and play for a million hours straight any more. i have to seriously think about climbing the trees, and let's not talk about jumping out of the swing, but i can still do all of the really good stuff like cuddling, understanding, reading stories and chasing monsters from under beds. no, i won't get to retire sooner or have ToolMan all to myself right away, but that's alright by me--i'm going to be 63 anyway.

right now? i can see me doing it again.

but i'm not you. just be honest with yourself about what you want. if you want her to stay, then adopt. if you think otherwise, let her go with your blessing. it's not heartless--it's honest.

whatever you decide, i wish you joy and peace in the decision. good luck!
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