[tumblewieds]

I'd love some book resources on understanding addiction better. I'm dealing with a seriously addicted birthmom, and I'd really love to know more about what makes addicts tick and how they work, in addition to setting healthy boundaries and knowing what to expect. Can we discuss what we've learned and share books and resources?

[jcm]

Oh man, I could discuss for days. As an addictions counselor, and an alcoholic, I could go on and on and on....except my DD is just waking up from a nap. I promise to come back once she's down tonight!!

[DoingthebestICan]

Great post! I am also interested to know how to best work with, understand, and setting boundaries with birth families struggling with addictions. Any remanded books or classes would be great. Thanks.

[teacher1998]

Our twin's bmom has a very serious addiction. Boundaries are important, as we are learning the hard way. We desperately need advice on how to navigate this. Excellent post!!!!

[luvbeingamom]

I too, would like to have info. I grew up in a house with an alcoholic father, but drug addiction seems to be a different animal. However, my father was a "functioning" alcoholic so perhaps that is the difference. We are entering into an open adoption with our kids first mom, so it would be good to be informed.

[RebeccaInOR]

I went to a recent training on this and will try and see if I can find the books the expert was suggesting.

One thing I really learned was how drug use literally changes the brain. Over time the seratonin receptors get shrunken and basically lose the abilities they once had. The addict needs the drugs to feel normal. It takes a long time for the brain to go back to feeling okay after addiction and sometimes it never happens. So the addict has a profound drive to use drugs. I also learned that the effects of some drugs are so intense, they cannot be compared to anything else. Basically when someone does meth, the effect on their brain is like sex times a thousand. It is amazing and their brain always remembers that feeling. That is their new standard for "feeling good." They develop a huge drive to get that feeling again. The more times it happens the more distorted their idea of happiness becomes and the more their brain changes to adapt and EXPECT the good feeling. So I learned that expecting addicts to just clean up and get straight doesn't make sense unless you understand the huge impacts of drugs on their brains and how incredibly difficult (not impossible) it is for them to stay clean.

I'll see if I can find the books!

[jcm]

Originally Posted by luvbeingamom

I too, would like to have info. I grew up in a house with an alcoholic father, but drug addiction seems to be a different animal. However, my father was a "functioning" alcoholic so perhaps that is the difference. We are entering into an open adoption with our kids first mom, so it would be good to be informed.

An addict is an addict is an addict. It's one of the first things we are taught, doesn't matter the substance. There are certainly nuances in behavior, but by and large addicts have all the same characteristics.

You can never, ever reason with someone who has an active addiction. You will never get the truth, maybe parts of the truth, but never the full truth. Manipulation is also a hallmark. I worked with men and women who were referred to the agency by their lawyers. They'd been caught doing something....dealing drugs, buying drugs, DUI....etc. Most of them were their on the advice of their lawyers, and some were court ordered. It was a pretty decent cross section of society, which made it even more interesting.

I helped run groups. In group all the clients were expected to participate, and we would either go around the room and "check in" with each person, or we would start off with a theme, say "one day at a time". Since everyone HAD to participate, we'd get everyone from the chatty Cathy's to the people who would say the bare minimum. Because it was a rolling admission, we had people who had just started and those who were about to graduate.

Without exception, every single man and woman believed they were different. They were THE exception. The guy caught dealing in the project across the street? No responsibility taken, and he **** sure didn't think he was "as bad" as the guys picked up for DUI. The quiet lady with the MBA picked up for the DUI? She only had two glasses of wine, so there is no way she was an addict like the guy caught buying crack sitting next to her.

Being an alcoholic in recovery, I thought I wouldn't be such an easy mark. That I could tell who was still using and who wasn't. Never failed to shock me. On paper, it's a simple program. You show up however many times a week you are ordered or signed up to do; you abstain from drugs AND alcohol; (which is a drug!) you participate. Easy, right? Yes, to normal drinkers this would be very easy. Normal drinkers can take it or leave it. Most people in the groups thought of themselves as normal drinkers, or they only smoked weed occasionally. Whatever the story, only an addict would continue to use their substance of choice when the law is hanging over their heads. Simple as that.

I could go on and on, y'all get the point. Liars. Manipulators. All in a deep pit of denial. I have not yet started my training to foster, so my head is reeling with the possibilities. In normal circumstances, we can choose to have an addict in our lives or not, I imagine for foster care there not only is no choice, but you have zero control, because the system forces you to deal with them. I am completely open to specific questions, because I do not have any real-life experience yet working within the foster system...just with clients of a rehab, my personal experience, and dealing with my own family members who are not in treatment.

[jcm]

Originally Posted by RebeccaInOR

I went to a recent training on this and will try and see if I can find the books the expert was suggesting.

One thing I really learned was how drug use literally changes the brain. Over time the seratonin receptors get shrunken and basically lose the abilities they once had. The addict needs the drugs to feel normal. It takes a long time for the brain to go back to feeling okay after addiction and sometimes it never happens. So the addict has a profound drive to use drugs. I also learned that the effects of some drugs are so intense, they cannot be compared to anything else. Basically when someone does meth, the effect on their brain is like sex times a thousand. It is amazing and their brain always remembers that feeling. That is their new standard for "feeling good." They develop a huge drive to get that feeling again. The more times it happens the more distorted their idea of happiness becomes and the more their brain changes to adapt and EXPECT the good feeling. So I learned that expecting addicts to just clean up and get straight doesn't make sense unless you understand the huge impacts of drugs on their brains and how incredibly difficult (not impossible) it is for them to stay clean.

I'll see if I can find the books!

You've got a good grasp, Rebecca. Our brains are not "normal" by any measure. Say, if a normal drinker has a drink, it's pleasurable, you might have another. But the "normal" brain will realize after a few drinks that pleasure has peaked and plateaued. Addicts brains have a MUCH higher peak.

Take heroin. The high that comes from it the very FIRST time is the peak. The brain feels how great it is, and wants to get back to that feeling...over and over and over. Sadly, the brain does not know it will never be that good again. So heroin addicts will continue to chase that high, because that section of the brain has been taught the only way to get back to that place of goodness is through doing more of the drug.

It's not a choice, once the brain takes over. The chemistry of the brain has been changed. It's also not about will power, because will power is taken off the table entirely by that section of the brain. What gets tricky to explain is how an individual can get to the point where there IS a choice to stop. It's called a bottom, and no two addicts have the same bottom.

I was "lucky". I knew for years that my drinking was not normal. I had every indicator for problem drinking before I got out of 10th grade. I was what one could call a functional alcoholic...until I wasn't. I graduated college, joined the Navy, had good jobs, semi-functional relationships. It was a combination of self-awareness and health problems that made me say "ENOUGH". It's what we in the program call the "gift of desperation". My bottom isn't even the ground floor for MANY, MANY people. I've heard stories that are almost unbelievable in the horrors that those folks have endured...and what they put loved ones through.

I read a lot of posts on the forums that I shake my head at, but never reply to, because it's not my place to "educate" everyone I come across. If I did, I would never, ever have a life.

"Normal" folks who have it together, who volunteered to take care of children in need are usually not equipped or versed in addiction. Hell, it's sad that almost no one OUTSIDE of addiction treatment understands or gets even just a bit of what the issues are. Locking people up will never be the answer. People who lose their kids? Unfortunately, it's not a real motivator to clean up. A responsibility has been lifted from them. Accountability has been removed, for the most part. Instead of having to make a marginal effort at child care (or much, much worse), now they can spend that time pursuing their drug of use.

I can say compelling someone to treatment is not effective. Not unless that person is willing and ready for a HUGE life altering change. It's scary as hell getting clean. It's sounds crazy...because it is. Addiction is insanity. When you get sober? Life is still there. All the problems that you used over? Still there, and even worse. Never mind the physical cravings, because even though those are awful, it's the psychological ones that make people relapse. Drinking and drugging was a solution to being happy, sad, lonely, tired, angry....now when newly sober? What do you do? What if you have no support system...people that really care about your sobriety? The chances of those people making it? Not good.

I made my first year through the skin of my teeth. I come from stubborn stock, so maybe I made it through because I decided enough was enough and that was it. It wasn't because I had friends or family ready to say "hey...I get it! Want me to go to a meeting with you?". Nope it was more like everyone I knew kept drinking and either shunned/avoided me or did it right in front of my face. I thought I was losing my mind, and was going to lose my marriage. I stopped speaking to my parents. All drinkers, and none of them understood that I could never take a drink in my life again. Ever. Period. "You weren't that bad!" is what I heard over and over. You know why I didn't appear "that bad" to them? Because they were doing the exact same thing...and in their heads they weren't alcoholics.

So when you think about the chances of an addict getting to their personal bottom; sobering up; and having the support of loved ones in place....it gets a bit easier to understand why so few addicts make it.

I need to say this about my family: I love them very much. My mother, father, and step-father are all alcoholics, and have never once admitted having a problem. My mom and step-dad were extremely high functioning to outsiders. My bfather was not. He died alone, found by my mother and sister a few days after he literally dropped dead in his apartment. Two years later, my step-dad (my Dad, really) had a heart attack, and I watched him go through 7.5 weeks of hell on earth before we had to take him off life support. His drinking was at home, after work. CEO, always working. He died at 62, but really he was emotionally dead for years before that. My mother is now alone, and drinks "her wine" every night. Quite high functioning, but miserable as hell and cannot see that the drinking keeps her that way. My DH....after my first year of sobriety he got with the program and has pretty much stopped drinking. Once I had him behind me? It's been immeasurably easier.

Good lord, I am getting all maudlin. As you can see...I can and will keep on chattering away.

[servnjah]

I haven't read the thread but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I think that two things play a HUGE part in the problem of addiction. The first thing I think is a huge problem is the current beliefs surrounding addiction, addicts, etc. There are lots of different aspects to this one, but I honestly believe they leave the addict a hostage and on the edge of destruction at all times. Second, I think lack of personal responsibility (both individual and the rampant attitude within our society) is to such an extreme that it not only allows, but ENCOURAGES such issues. The two issues together are unhealthy, life changing, and even deadly.

It seems very few people find alternatives which are extremely successful for people who will take hold of them, shucking off the shackles of the above issues. But people DO find them, get healthy despite years and years of painful addiction, being "in recovery," and the like. I just wish it was better known that if the addiction is a bonfire, you do not have to walk around it, within arms-length of it, day in and day out, for the rest of your life. You need to fully evaluate the bonfire, no doubt, but you can take action and walk further and further from it. One day, you'll be so far from it that the sparks are no longer see-able. You'll rarely see the tiniest puff of smoke or catch a whiff of it. And it'll be so far off that it can no longer mesmerize you, draw you in, or burn you.

If the "one day at a time" and AA and "powerless" and such stuff works for someone, GREAT! I'm all for what works! But it doesn't work for A LOT of people. A LOT of people get burned over and over and over by that bonfire when they are "in recovery" day after day after day for years on end. I wish those people knew of other options. I think many more people could break free by taking back responsibility and their lives and walking away from the bonfire so to speak (btw, not to make that sound easy; I don't think it is. I just mean to make it sound POSSIBLE and DESIRABLE).

As for a resource...well, I could say Dr. L in T, TX. LOL...I'm sure he could write this all much better. I came up with the bonfire visual for my own understanding. I use a lot of things that include visual, auditory, olfactory, full body experience as that is how I experience the world (and even pictures). It's very sensory and odd.

Anyway, maybe Rational Recovery | Welcome to Rational Recovery would be something close. I haven't looked at their website in years. It took me a minute to even remember it. So I make no promises. But for another viewpoint (I think it wise to consider LOTS of viewpoints as I really don't think anyone really has a market on much of anything. Humans are just doing their best to make sense of things the best they can).

[momraine]

Addictions can run in families too. My grandfather was an alcoholic. Seared in my brain is a memory of him crying because my aunt dumped out his bottles when I was only four. He never conquered his addiction. My father was also an alcoholic. He was holding me when I was a baby when he took a test in a magazine. The test said he was an alcoholic. He threw the magazine across the room, it startled me awake and I looked up at him and he knew he could not be like his father and he vowed then to never drink again. He never touched another drink. He did buy a six pack of beer the day my mom threw him out 18 years later, but I found it in his car and dumped it. He said because it was me that dumped it, he remembered why he quit and didn't replace it. My brother is an alcoholic to this day. One of my sisters fried her brain on drugs. She is off of them now, still goes to meetings, but she is not the same person she was. She was the smart one, always got good grades without trying, now, she can hardly keep a job. She can't concentrate to read. She had a tubal early in her life because she was terrified of passing on the addictive personality. Another sister has an addictive personality in another way. She does not feel complete without a man, she goes from man to man and does anything the guy wants. When they get really abusive she will leave, but not until she has another guy lined up. She also does pot and drinks if the guys do. (and of course they all seem to) Its hard for me to watch. I have warned my bio kids to be very careful about drinking as I fear the genetic component. I drink very rarely. I am very overweight so that's probably where the addictions come in for me.

[wcurry66]

To OP - Its commendable that you're attempting to understand birthmom. its much easier to turn your back on the problem

Empathizing is a great trait. Just be aware, most addicts will test empathetic people to see if empathy - soft touch. You need to be ever vigiliant to not get sucked in.

As PPs have states, firm boundaries are the key. Not only to protect you and the child. Firm boundaries have allowed DD's other mom to relax and accept our relationship. She was so used to putting all her energies into finding the loophole. Once she realized there were none, she settled in.

Be aware addiction is not a choice. How they manage their addiction IS a choice. J's other mom has been unable to stay clean - even after spending one year in rehab. She is able to stay sober for our visits. I can live with that.

[jcm]

Originally Posted by servnjah

Anyway, maybe Rational Recovery | Welcome to Rational Recovery would be something close. I haven't looked at their website in years. It took me a minute to even remember it. So I make no promises. But for another viewpoint (I think it wise to consider LOTS of viewpoints as I really don't think anyone really has a market on much of anything. Humans are just doing their best to make sense of things the best they can).

This man makes my blood boil. I am all for people making their own choices for recovery, but his stance that alcoholism doesn't exist is an affront to all of us that live with it and work really hard to recover from it.

He is also fairly dangerous, in that he has called for the end of public funding of addiction programs (since, by his view, addiction does not exist); and shouts fromt he rooftops that addiction recovery groups will kill people. He is full of hyperbole.

The 12 Steps program works. I had my problems with it, but worked through them. It's simple, really: be accountable; count your blessings; say your sorry; be the best person you can be. Hell, I think the whole world could benefit from a few meetings, because believe it or not: the meetings I have attended have been uplifting, spiritual, positive, and an affirmation that when humans work together to be better humans, good things can happen.

So when I see Trimpey and his notion that there is no such thing as addiction? I get a little hot under the collar.

[servnjah]

JC,

I didn't realize he was saying that addiction doesn't even exist. I had read something that sounded very much like the recovery model (which actually results in RECOVERY) that I believe in.

Anyway, I also think it's a bit dangerous to say that the current addiction model and recovery models are THE way. It may be the best known and accepted at this time. I think that will likely change in time (just as everything seems to). But I'm glad it works for those it does in the meantime.

[1000amys]

My older daughter is affected by the meth she was exposed to before birth. When she was first placed with us, everyone (from caseworkers to or families) had only negative things to say about her birth mother and about drug addicts in general. We have worked to learn more about addiction (as well as to find other positive things about her birth mom).

I have read every book on addiction I could find in the library, especially works by recovering addicts. One that was really interesting was called "More, Now, Again," by Elizabeth Wurtzel. She writes about her experience as a successful young author who was also a drug addict. It helped counter a lot of the stereotypes I had and caseworkers perpetuated.

One of the great things that happened for us was that my aunt checked herself into the Betty Ford clinic when my daughter was a toddler. Suddenly, no one could say, "Addicts are..." without also implicating Aunt C. We had been totally unaware there was a problem. She is a federal judge and a very pleasant person. When we talk to our daughters about addiction we include Aunt C as an example, and she has offered to be a resource for them as they get older.

[MassachusettsMom]

Thanks for starting this discussion. I, too, am trying to understand.