[servnjah]

How are you teaching the children that CPS and police aren't the bad guys?

We talked in our classes about talking about what all police officers do for us. Another family had taken the children they had to the police station with cookies. Another idea that came up was to go up to police officers and say hi, thank you, etc. The idea being that police officers are nice, helpful people, not mean.

Anyway, but when this issue came up this weekend, I was less sure about what to say. Kiddo was only 5. But he blames CPS and the police for him not living with his parents. Though that makes sense, I think it is wise for children to learn to appreciate where responsibility lies.

For example, "Janey didn't make you hit her. You chose to hit Janey when you got angry with her." The responsibility is put back where it belongs.

Now, I know these parents have taken some responsibility because kiddo told me about some promises they've made.

But I guess I feel like something should be said, but unsure how to say it without badmouthing parents (which I feel equally, if not more strongly, about). I thought maybe something like, "yeah, when people make poor choices, sometimes the police may take them to jail. I hope they make better choices next time." Then it isn't about their parents specifically and it's not judging people as bad.

Another option could be "oh, yeah, well, when people make poor choices, they may have to go to jail, just like when you make poor choices, you get in trouble. Just like you have learned to make some better choices, hopefully people who have gone to jail will also."

Of course, either of these could even be shortened depending on the situation.

But do you have something else you say or do? Or a reason you don't do so?

[gisellechloe]

My older child (3) came with a whole teddy bear collection. I learned he got a new one each time the police came to the house. He had a great fear of police. We went to the station with cookies, we went up to them in the grocery store, I have a friend and he let them climb all over the car, etc. I thought we had gotten over it and then had a very minor fender bender and the police happened to be right there. As soon as he approached the car my oldest one started crying and screaming please don't take me away, please. After the police officer said he wasn't my guy then said please don't take my mommy away. it was heart breaking and proof that we still have a long way to go.

[onhazier]

Yeah. It is a tough one to help them get past because they don't have daily interaction with an officer once they're in your home. Unfortunately, the interactions they had previously are associated with the trauma. We occassionally get the "Are they comming to take me?" question when we hear sirens at home in the evening. It floors me. I'm thinking that it is about time my neighbor, an officer, show up to the house in uniform to say "Hi". He's come by when in normal clothes and is willing to help if possible. Maybe we can get an invitation into his cruiser too.

[Debralous]

We are in the same boat...first time FD heard a siren she said "cops are bad they take people away!" and got up and put her hands behind her back and waddled like someone being taken away in handcuffs.

We were broken into a few weeks after she was with us (while we were all on vacation) and so we have that good experience with the police coming to our house and helping us. Whenever we see police or hear a siren (on the street or even on TV) either she or we will acknowledge it and talk briefly about the police are helping someone. We also make it a point to go to events like at home depot when they ahve all the fire and police there so she can get some good exposure. We went up to a couple of police in line at Panera the other day and they were really sweet to her.

She has been able to tell us how when the police came and took her away it was scary. The first few times we asked "do you remember WHY the police took you away?" she would say "because I bad girl!" and even though that is heartbreaking to hear at least when she says it we can correct her and remind her it was to make her safe from all the scary things that happen in her house. After a handful of times of this, she will now say "the police take me away to keep me safe". One baby step at a time, that's all you can do.

[MaddiesHope]

We read age approrpiate books.

Maybe Days
The Star
A Terrible Thing Happened
Kids Need to be Safe

These books have helped alot with both of our FD's. We also talk to police officers and I use the word police not cops (in their minds they are two different things and until they deal with their trauma, I dont want to cause anymore). Big Girl even met a Park Ranger and looked in his car (it looks like a police car and so does his uniform) she then told me "He isn't scarey." And they talked about what his job his, and how he is supposed to "keep kids safe" just like "foster parents".

Be leary of promises that the bios are telling your FC's. They aren't supposed to be making any.. its not good for anyone, because they may not be able to keep those promises.

xoxo

[servnjah]

Maddie,

I know they may not keep the promises; but it did suggest they were taking responsibility, at least somewhat, as they were saying what they would not do anymore.

I figured the foster parents, case workers, therapists, etc could deal with the fact that things were being said. I only had the kids for the weekend (and may have them a few days next month if we don't have our own kiddies by then).

[CaddoRose]

Our FD is 12, so we just use any and every opportunity to tell her the truth about laws, the police and what they do for us as a whole. She told us the police were bad because Dad was hassled by them and he didn't like them. All we could say was that the laws are there to protect people from harm and some people choose not to follow the rules, just like some kids break the rules in
school, except in the big world, breaking the rules means the police come and arrest people. People can live just fine without breaking the rules just like we do. We don't smoke weed or steal or hit people and we live just fine.

[MaddiesHope]

Definitely get the books.. it has REALLY helped our FD's. They hear the stories and go "OH THATS LIKE US!!" (its really cute for them to realize that there are other children like them, and that the "cops" aren't bad.)

As for the promises, just make sure the CW's and others are aware. Big Girl tells me about promises her birthmom makes and it breaks my heart. You're right that there isn't anything you can do, except say "Oh thats nice." And document it.

Even if you only have these particular kids for respite, the books will definitely come in handy for your own set of FC's. Good Luck!!

[mom2fabtwins]

We talk about it in terms of jobs. It is everybody's job to keep kids safe.

It is the Judge's job to make sure everybody is doing their jobs. The judge gives mom and dad a list of things they need to do to prove that they can keep their child safe.

CPS's job is to help mom and dad with their lists and report back to the judge.

It is the police's job to make sure everybody follows the rules and if they don't, they have to take them to the judge to get a plan.

It is the foster parent's job to keep the child safe and to help them learn and grow.

It is the child's job to go to school and lear as much as possible.

It is good to have a job, if you do your job well you can be very proud! Jobs bring privileges and privileges are FUN!!!

When we hear a siren we talk about someone needing help - it is a good thing that the police are ready to help keep people safe.

[arbuckle17]

Age has a lot to do with how you approach it.

R (3-4) was really scared of the police, and my wife having worked for the city knew most of the cops in our town. So we had them stop by in uniform a few times to play for 5 - 10 min. It worked wonders.

E recognizes what happened that lead to him being in care, however he struggles with understanding things like taxes. Often saying "you should do whatever you can to get out of paying taxes, the government is just trying to steal your money."

This opinion is pretty deep rooted in his family who have a tallent for getting paid or paying employees under the table.

I found being outright with it doesn't help, as much as just picking things day to day, that taxes are meant to fix. He often brings them up himself, "that pothole is huge when are they going to fix it?"

Sometimes I bring it up, "Hey E, I got a ballet today asking for a mill levey to be passed that will help pay to fix the elementary schools, what do you think of that?

"Do you remember how small the rooms were when you went there?"

"Do you know what a mill levey is?"

The same thing can be done with the police and what they do, just look through the papper and start asking permission.