[w0nderingwhat2d0]

My niece and nephew have been placed with a foster family that I am sooo uncomfortable with. The foster mom has shown in so many ways that she uses them as a source of income and truly does not have the compassion and love that the kids need (they were taken from their home in January and then their mother (my sister) passed away. The foster mom has been extremely uncooperative from the very beginning as far as taking the kids to a private ceremony for their mother's funeral, to sibling visits and visits with me on Sundays. I have expressed my concerns with my caseworker and she basically said that CYF can only intervene if there are allegations of abuse or neglect. She told me that the judge would make the ultimate decision about adoption and that I could speak up at the next court hearing. Do any of you have any advice for what I should do or say? I am terrified that once this woman adopts the kids she will cut them from all contact with the family. There are 6 kids total, ranging from 2-7 yrs old and they are all that they have known for most of their lives. For obvious reasons, I think the kids should at least be able to stay in contact with eachother.

I HATE the fact that there are selfish, lazy people out there that will use kids as a means of income and then not even put the money towards keeping the kids looking nice. I mean, these kids have lost their family, their mother, everything and now they are with this militant foster mother who dresses them like orphans. I don't mean to offend anyone but I am really upset.

I have one of my nephews placed with me, he was the first to be removed and I am single. If I could take the other children in I would but trying to raise a 4 year old is a challenge in itself.

Thank you for lending an ear!

[millie58]

so sorry to hear this!! No ideas but good luck.

[wcurry66]

It sounds like there are a lot of misunderstandings going on

If the FH is making money by fostering, what would be their motivation to adopt? Have they stated they're trying to adopt them? Unless oyur sister left a ton of money or the kids are special needs, there's no money to be gained by adopting a child. Most subsidies for healthy kids have been squelched

How was the request to the funeral visit handled? Did it go to CW or str8 to the FH?

What are the visitation requirements, post adopt, for the siblings (casa required contact between our DD and her brother).

CW is pretty much right. Laziness is an arbitrary judgement. They need concrete allegations in order to act. Refusal to bring child to casa recommended counseling, for example.

If it were me, i would request to adopt the kids. Sure, it would be a ton of work as a single parent. But that's the only sure fire way to have a say in where they end up

[w0nderingwhat2d0]

wcurry, the motivation to adopt would guarantee a monthly untaxed check (yeah I know it's not much) for the next 12 years. The first day I spoke with the woman she said she would adopt them. At that time my other nephew was placed there too. I mean how can you know from day one that you want to adopt children without knowing anything about them, their needs and how it might impact your other children (she has 2 other small children she has adopted and 1 bio son that's 16).

After consulting several agencies that deal with grief, I asked the caseworker if the kids could attend a private ceremony before the family arrived at the funeral home. She said that it was okay but when I talked to the FM the night before the funeral she was coming up with every excuse as to why she couldn't drive the kids to the funeral ("I can't drive if it snows or rains") so I offered to pick them up and bring them back but at the time I wasn't certified so she wouldn't agree to that. I didn't sleep at all that night b/c I worried the kids wouldn't get to say goodbye to their mother. In the morning I begged her and she drove out to meet her CW who then took them to the funeral home for a 5 minute viewing.

So far there are no post adopt requirements...the CW said its up to us FP's to coordinate visits which will not be mandatory....

[slackwater]

LOL - I would very quickly become a single mother to a lot of kids Yep, raising a 4yo is difficult - we have 4, 4, 5 and 6, and our days are ridiculously busy. Plus, we have been travelling a lot - so, it feels like, when I'm home, DH is not, and vice versa. Definitely not the same as being a single parent, but...can you petition to foster them? Give it a try? If it didn't work out - if you really couldn't handle it - then you could make that decision later. But at least you would know that you had tried.

[wcurry66]

Just playing devil's advocate here... if they always knew what they'd do when presented with a foster 2 adopt child, then a day is plenty of time ot make the call. I knew I was going to adopt my dd before meeting her.

I know I'll be open to adopt my next foster kid, should that become a possibility. Of course, that certainty would change if the foster child was a sexual predator.

As for the check - is this something unique due to your sister's death? Its not typical for "foster to adopt," healthy kids to come with a monthly check. Even some special needs kids (my DD has FAS) have no subsidies

It sounds like your CW needs to grow a backbone. I was NOT given the option of not attending visits or other requirements when I was fostering. You do what they tell you, or else

Do the children have a CASA? Their job is to represent the kids' best interest. They can make requirements for port adopt visits. In our case, the CASA required us to sign an open adoption/visitation plan with DD's brother.

good luck

[w0nderingwhat2d0]

sw, I think they want the next move to be permanent and I honestly would be lying if I said that I could take them permanently. I am in now way mentally or financially prepared to become a single mother of 3!

WC, in PA you continue to get a subsidy if you adopt or are permanent legal custodian...it's the same as what you get as a foster parent.

The kids do have an advocate who I have to call very soon and PRAY that he can and will be willing to speak up for them.

I hate the fact that these kids are probably not being told about what may happen to them and it just breaks my heart to think that they may lose connection to their family, esp their brothers and sisters.

This has been such a trying 10 months for me..never imagined that my sister was going to pass and now her kids are all split up and I'm like the only person in the middle trying to look out for the kids. My sister's mom is going to try to petition the court for them but with her history I think it would be a cold day in hell before the judge would consider placing the kids with her. It's a sad sad story.

[DianeS]

I second the other posters who say that the only thing you might have the option to do is to decide to adopt all the siblings yourself. They are indeed your relatives, but in most cases the choice you have is your home, or the home CPS approves.

But I want to address this statement you made:

Originally Posted by w0nderingwhat2d0

I mean how can you know from day one that you want to adopt children without knowing anything about them, their needs and how it might impact your other children (she has 2 other small children she has adopted and 1 bio son that's 16).

and assure you that most foster-to-adopt parents accept children in this exact way. And frankly, we often know just as much about the new children placed in our homes as we do about a child we might give birth to - sometimes more. With birth, we will know the age (newborn). But we don't know the sex, size, health, temperment, special needs, and so on. We don't know how much that specific birth child will impact our families. We can't know how our other children will react.

A lot of foster-to-adopt is based on faith. We fill out sheets of paper aobut the ages, geneders, number of siblings, health status, and behaviors that we are capable of parenting, and trust that the children placed with us will match that. Soemtimes it is, sometimes it isn't. But we take the risk anyway, and when the caseworker says "I have children who match the criteria you wrote down - will you be an adoptive resource for them?" we answer "YES".

So the actual treatment of the children might be a concern (I can't know for sure, since I'm not there), but their willingness to adopt children they don't know is fairly typical. I hope that helps you, at least somewhat.

[Annyka]

Originally Posted by wcurry66

As for the check - is this something unique due to your sister's death? Its not typical for "foster to adopt," healthy kids to come with a monthly check. Even some special needs kids (my DD has FAS) have no subsidies

Sibling groups are still getting subsidies in many states - I believe our adoption worker said it was groups of 3 and above.

[CaddoRose]

You really should spend the $ to have a consultation with an attorney who specializes in family law in your state. It is worth every penny for the info they can give you and then you will know your rights and what you can do. There is no obligation to then sign a contract with the attorney. You are simply paying for advice at this point. Unless you see an attorney, you are completely in the dark about the legalities involved.

I don't understand how the potential adoptive parents could be wanting to adopt for the $$, but this $$ would not be enough for you to adopt them. I don't mean any disrespect by that, just wondering if they did get a monthly check, why it would not cover the expenses and provide you with the means to raise them.

[w0nderingwhat2d0]

Caddo, thanks for the advice...struggle is going to be finding time outside of business hours to meet/talk with a lawyer as I don't get much privacy at work.

Regarding the money...I honestly think it depends on what you aspire for in life. Some people are content getting by on welfare while others work hard to earn more. You basically get a subsidy ($18/day) for each child and once adoption is finalized, I would get no assistance for daycare of which $18 would only

I've heard horror stories about foster parents getting money and starving or giving their foster kids' minimal necessities. This woman gets a clothing subsidy but has them wearing oversized, dingy hand me downs...to the point where the transportation aides have even commented and my mother felt the need to buy the kids some decent looking clothes (of which we don't feel comfortable letting them take back to her house because she has reportedly sold the clothes they've outgrown (mind you there are smaller sibs in the family that those clothes could have went to).

I do think my best bet will be to consult an attorney. The foster parent of my oldest nephew says that she would be willing to adopt all 3 so I just have to see if that would be a possibility as well. My CW says that they would be hesistant to move the kids because they have been in placement for 10 months now but that is NOTHING compared to spending eternity with a woman who truly lacks compassion and true love for these kids.

Diane, sure the same mysteries may hold true for a biological child but don't you have 9 months to kind of prepare for that and since it is YOUR natural child, you kind of have no choice but to deal with whatever the outcome may be. For foster parenting, you know you have the option or risk of the children being placed elsewhere if things don't work out.

I don't wish this experience on anyone but am almost sure if it were you in my shoes, you would feel the same way. I can't just ignore it and forget about my neice and nephew. It is all very overwhelming.

[DianeS]

Originally Posted by w0nderingwhat2d0

Diane, sure the same mysteries may hold true for a biological child but don't you have 9 months to kind of prepare for that and since it is YOUR natural child, you kind of have no choice but to deal with whatever the outcome may be. For foster parenting, you know you have the option or risk of the children being placed elsewhere if things don't work out.

But that's exactly what I'm saying. Biologically you have 9 months (plus prepregnancy time) to decide you'll take what nature gives you. In foster care you have however many months or years before you get a placement to decide you'll take whatever CPS gives you. It's the same thing, to us. A foster parent who wants to adopt the children they were placed with before they really know the children is the norm, not an oddity.

[onhazier]

Originally Posted by w0nderingwhat2d0

I've heard horror stories about foster parents getting money and starving or giving their foster kids' minimal necessities. This woman gets a clothing subsidy but has them wearing oversized, dingy hand me downs...to the point where the transportation aides have even commented and my mother felt the need to buy the kids some decent looking clothes (of which we don't feel comfortable letting them take back to her house because she has reportedly sold the clothes they've outgrown (mind you there are smaller sibs in the family that those clothes could have went to).

I do think my best bet will be to consult an attorney. The foster parent of my oldest nephew says that she would be willing to adopt all 3 so I just have to see if that would be a possibility as well. My CW says that they would be hesistant to move the kids because they have been in placement for 10 months now but that is NOTHING compared to spending eternity with a woman who truly lacks compassion and true love for these kids.

Diane, sure the same mysteries may hold true for a biological child but don't you have 9 months to kind of prepare for that and since it is YOUR natural child, you kind of have no choice but to deal with whatever the outcome may be. For foster parenting, you know you have the option or risk of the children being placed elsewhere if things don't work out.

First, the horror stories ARE horror stories. However, they are few and far between. The majority of foster parents really do their best to love and care for the children in their homes. There is a huge amount of misconceptions about foster parents out there and your fear leads me to believe that you believe a lot of them.

Second, to address the clothing stipend: If she's getting something similar to what I'm getting, then it is only $300 a year. When you have $300 a year to help clothe the child, you look for sales, thrift stores, consignment shops and yard sales. Now, the question is: Does this person dress their own children better or more cleanly than your relatives. If all the children are in a similar state, then it seems less malicious. Also, I hope you're not thinking the children have to be in designer clothes to be properly attired. No saying you are; just wanting to make sure you have a realistic expectation of what it takes to make sure more than one child has sufficient or appropriate clothing.

As for the 9 months of preparation for a newborn; I got a laugh out of that. Foster parents go through more waiting, preparation and training than a couple expecting the birth of their child ever will. For a huge percentage of us, it takes over a year to go through the background process, our PRIDE or MAPP training and licensing. Then, you have to wait and wait and wait for a child to be placed with you. A wait of six months to a year is not uncommon after you've gone through the background and training. So, you're sitting there waiting with a room ready for a child to drop in at any time. Trust me, we get the whole 9 months of prep concept and blow it out of the water. (I have a child that I've given birth to and one I'm fostering. I've seen both sides of this.)

As for the concept of just being stuck with whatever nature gives you; well, that's a touchy subject. Suffice it to say: No. Not 100% are you stuck dealing with whatever nature gives you. I won't get into the options available. However, I find this concept kind of offensive because it is so fatalist and negative. It implies that a child with special needs has trapped their parents and the parents have no way out. I venture to say that the majority of parents who have special needs children may feel trapped sometimes but not always. They love their children and it is not a fatalist acceptance of the situation.

[Boulderbabe]

It sounds like you're pretty upset. But I also think you might be slotting some of the things you're seeing into "horror stories" and stereotypes that aren't necessarily true, and that might be setting you up in ways you don't want.

First: double check, but my guess is that after the adoption, there will be no subsidy. Fostering is an awful lot of work for $18 a day, let me tell you. It's rare that "lazy" people do it for the money.

Second: You seem mostly upset about the way the kids are dressed. The hard fact is that if you're not the parent, you don't get to choose how the kids are dressed. (And heck, after a certain point, parents don't get to choose, either!) If you saw my kid, you might think, "oh, she dresses him in rags! Look at the holes in those jeans!" But the truth is, my son is incredibly active, and I want him to be able to run and play and get really dirty without worrying about his clothes. IMHO, if you're clothes are too clean, you're wasting your childhood. :-) Have you thought about talking to the foster mom about this? Maybe asking if you could send along some nice clothes?

Third: As much as you've heard horror stories about the Fmom, she's probably heard horror stories about birthparents. She might have been really hesitant to come to a family gathering of people she didn't know, especially a family that had kids taken away. Lots of new foster parents are totally freaked out by birthfamilies---after all, we hear horrible stories about child abuse and neglect all the time!

What's worrying me is that neither you or the Fmom are making any strides towards building a relationship with each other. But that relationship is CRUCIAL if you're going to keep the kids connected to your family after an adoption. Instead of deciding that she's evil, greedy and lazy based on a few scant bits of information, how about asking the CW to set you guys up with a time to have coffee without the kids in tow? You could maybe get to know each other as people, build some trust, and see if you can't work out a way to keep these kids in touch with their siblings and their family.

If you can't do that, and you keep on cultivating a hostile and suspicious relationship with the Fmom, you've got two options: either you adopt them yourself, or you accept the fact that you can't dictate how these kids are being raised. Because you can't decide not to adopt them, and then dictate how their new parents care for them.

You're either parenting them, or you're not.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by w0nderingwhat2d0

I do think my best bet will be to consult an attorney.

Please, don't spend the money. You are not party to the case, so you have no legal standing. The court cannot and will not hear any testimony from you.