[Jensboys]

In an extremely strange series of circumstances, I ended up with an extra baby, 9 months old, that I was NOT supposed to be fostering, but was.

Babe was here two weeks or so before another placement could be found for her. NOW I am doing daycare for the new placement, so babe is back with me for 9 hours a day or so.

Babe is severely delayed and was grossly neglected prior to coming into care three weeks ago. Now, her attachment to me is stronger than to her new foster mom (obviously its only been 3 days) but I am wondering if anyone has any advice on how to facilitate foster mom and babe's attachment even though she is in my care for 9 or more hours 5 days a week.

Will it just happen over time or should we consider the reality that babe will be attached to both of us eventually, and that's ok too? Hard on foster mom, as this baby is her first placement and she really, really wants a loving relationship with her.

[crick]

Can mom take a week off of work? Or maybe just work 1/2 days for the week? She really does need to spend the bulk of the time possible with babe in order for babe to attach to her.

Tough situation!

[Jensboys]

Crick - we looked for two weeks for a foster family with a stay at home mom. This baby absolultely would do better with that situation. There is a SEVERE shortage of foster parents in our community and in fact, this fmom was approved in under one day. Right now, if you are willing, they can run a crim record check on you - you get a placement SAME day. I tried EVERYONE I knew to find this baby a sahm, and this was the best (ok only) option. She is a single woman, has to work. She took the first day and a half she had babe off, and then worked a full day yesterday, has a half day today, then the weekend. Next week she has Wednesday off.

Baby has been through HELL (like a Boy Called IT hell) and is incredibly needy. I just cannot keep her 24-7 with 6 other kids, two under 18 months. So I am working hard with fmom, but its a difficult situation.

I was thinking a teddy bear with a recording of foster mom's voice, a baby photo album and encouaraging mom to come over during the day on lunch breaks etc when possible. Lovey that can go back and forth, and us spending some time together. Right now babe has a hard time being away from me so their evenings and mornings are hard. And she is a whiny, needy baby at the best of times (with GOOD reason!)

[mommytoEli]

those are all good ideas.

it is so weird to me how some areas can be overrun with foster parents, and others do not have enough.
here i sit, licensed, and closed because there are too many homes for the few children in our area.

[irelady10]

A suggestion for bonding: having a shirt/article of clothing from the mom in the child's crib so they become familiar with mom's scent...

This is a tough situation- but, if this baby can bond with you, she should be able to bond with her new foster mom. Poor babe, though- there are alot of changes going on for her!

[evansmum]

Oh Jen, how I wish we were closer! LOL After 7 years and 18 boys, I would LOVE a baby girl! And while I absolutely love my job, it's only part-time at best, and I mainly started back because all my boys are in school now. Gramma also lives with us, so my kiddos don't go anywhere else.

[o2b30again]

I know that this probably isn't going to be what you want to hear...

Is there any other great daycares that she could go to?

If the wonderful ideas that everyone, including yourself, don't work this is something that I would consider. The confusion just might be to great for this little one to overcome. It is uncanny how even a mind as young as this processes information. I thought we had gotten our 11m old early enough and here we sit with an 18m old with PTSD and RAD. Breaks my heart for these little guys.

Keep up the good work. It sounds like you both have the best interest of the child as a priority.

[sandysis]

I'm new to fostering (although not new to parenting/adoptive parenting), but it seems to me, that ANY attachment is GOOD attachment. Yes, it might be hard on new Fmom right now, but what is best for baby is to continue the loving bond you have with her and not place her in a new daycare situation.

What this child needs to learn is how to bond, form loving attachments and trust. If you can provide that for her, even for 9 hours a day, you are doing her a great service. She will never remember it, but you are changing her life for the better.

JMO.

sandysis

[LadyBugz]

I was going to say the same as Sandysis. If she's attaching to you, I would think that's the best thing possible for her. It's more like her new fostermom is the daycare provider. Stinks for fostermom, but great for the baby.

And if she can attach to you, she'll be able to attach to fostermom or a different adoptive family later on. I'd do everything you can to help her attach to you at this point because 1 attachment is a massive improvement over 2 possible attachments. Then treat going to fostermom the same way you would if you were taking her to daycare.

And fostermom should be babywearing every single minute she can if it is possible, in my opinion. And wearing the same distinct and comforting scent each day that would not be found at your house. And if you can schedule it so fostermom does morning and evening feedings and baby sleeps more with you so she's alert with fostermom, that would also be good.

I don't have experience in this. It was just my thoughts.

[Jensboys]

I absolutely agree -- no more transitions for baby. The fact she is attached to me isnt the issue I just want to help facilitate her attachment to foster mom as well, and help her be comfortable with foster mom rather than missing me. Essentially its going to be a like a two parent situation for a long while, I imagine. I "attachment" parent the baby while she is in my care and provide fmom with all those sorts of guidance as well. Babe gets TONS of one on one care in foster home, and in my place gets lots of stimulation, action and cuddles (joys of 7 kids!!)

For now, foster mom is going to have morning start very early (like 5) so they have a couple hours before daycare (me) and when she arrives, I play, cuddle and put her down for a nap. Then she will awake, eat, play and hopefully have a little visit with mom, and back down for a nap. Awake, play and mom arrive.

It's just one of those tragic, sad and bizairre situations that happen. Glad that foster mom and I were friends before this and I get to retain the "Aunty Jen" title and role

[c.a]

Jen -

I have a similar situation - only I am the foster mom. Baby girl came to us at 8 months severely malnourished and neglected. My husband and I work full time and must use daycare. When she first arrived, she did not cuddle, hug or cry. She is bonding with us.

I agree with you and the others that any bond is a good bond. I also agree with Ladybugz about baby wearing. We use a sling and carry our peanut as often as she will tolerate (she is now crawling and learning to walk so she mostly wants to explore).

My pediatrician reminds me every time we take peanut in that bonding takes time, particularly for kiddos who didnt start with good parenting. That advice always helps me relax. It took three months before she would let me hold her while she fell asleep, but then only if I was quiet and didn't cuddle too much. Only in the last two weeks will she let me hold her and read to her or sing to her.

It can work with daycare. Keep encouraging foster mom, share ideas about bonding, and encourage her to relax, enjoy the baby, and know that bonding takes time - sometimes a long time. Point out to fmom when you see hints of bonding - for example both my pediatrician and early intervention noticed that peanut turns to me for comfort (I was so busy responding to her that I wasn't noticing that she was coming to me).

Encourage, support, relax.

I know you are doing a great job. Good luck to you, and to the new foster mom.