[Sunnyblu]

We've had our fs (5) and fd (2) for 7 months now. They are going to terminate mom's rights next spring, lots of history-multiple terminations, not working plan, etc...dad's gone, so they are looking at other family. We've become really involved massive amounts of recording everything, coordinating between workers, casa, lawyers, therapists, doctors to make sure everyone knows whats going on, getting diagnosis, etc...and we had wanted to adopt. Yesterday the kids had a visit with grandma, aunt and 1/2 sibling and another visit today. FS was overwhelmed, melted afterwards but it seemed to go ok during the visit. Bio mom's mom has put in for a homestudy. She has enabled mom over the years and mom has had several children removed or has given them up b4 removel. Grandma has helped raise another sibling, she herself has a nice house, seems appropriate and her daughter will help her who is appropriate and she and her daughter are coparenting one of the siblings. Our FS has a lot of issues which has impeded his bonding with our bio children and they have now said they don't want to adopt. But we are going to have the fkids for at least 6 more months they may change their mind. They may be fetal alcohol so they may get worse rather than getting better. I don't mind doing the work with him, but is it fair to make our bio children if the fs/fd have family who will? Our fs has totally bonded and we are mommy and daddy. I don't know if grandma can care for the fs the way we do (we work with special needs kids), she's older and these kids are young. She is so bent on making sure her daughter is kept as their "mommy", but it would probably be phone calls and a supervised occasional visit, but no one knows for sure. She's in denial about her daughter's abuse/issues. But they are in another state from the biomom. So I'm torn. Grandma/aunt are not going to do for these kids what I do, but maybe it's good enough. They have raised another sibling who went through a lot and he's doing well now. The fs has a need for his mom to "want" him but isn't safe to live with him, so maybe being with them would allow him to have enough of mommy to fill that void/loss (I would not allow any kind of contact with her, too much drama and history, nothing has changed). So we are torn about what to do.

[carlychan]

I am a little confused. Either the grandma will get him or not. Right? That doesn't have anything to do with you (DFS would make that decision). So, is your question rather to adopt if that falls through? Sorry, maybe I am not reading it correctly.

[shy_bear]

I also was a little confused by the post. I also don't know where you are getting your info on fetal alcohol, but the damage is done in utero. It will not get worse. There will be new issues that may arise with age, but the actual damage will not get worse.