[luvbeingamom]

I am in the process of getting my foster license. I just accepted a placement of an 8 year old and 1 year old boys! I didn't realize it would happen before we had license in hand! I am excited and a little scared. The 8 year old has ADHD and some raging issues. I could really use some advice about how to handle the first few days with a placement. I was not expecting 8 year olds...I was going to foster children under 3.

Thanks for any and all advice I can get!

[gdaisy]

First of all congrats!!!

The age span of the two will be fun... however make sure that whatever you start the first day is something that you will want to follow through with later...

For example.. bed time routine. What do you want the evening to look like. Do you have them take baths/showers? Read books how many? What do you expect..

Also with ADHD.. depending on how severe you may need to do a lot of reminding to do things.. I have found that lists both with pictures and without help a great deal. Then the child will feel a sense of accomplishments..

Most of all have fun!!!

[sunnyrobins]

great advice gdaisy!! Lists work great for ADD/ADHD. Starting a routine that everyone can stick to is great too. These kiddos do best when they have the security of knowing what to expect.

[onhazier]

When you give the 8 year old directions, give him no more than 2 steps at a time. So, don't go with "Brush your teeth, then get dressed and get your backpack." Say "Brush your teeth and get dressed." Once that's done, move to the next instruction or pair of instructions. It will help him keep in mind the one or two things you want right now.

[joskimo]

I agree with all the above! Establish a routine and really try to stick with it, the ADHD'er will adjust to that and be more successful if he isn't wondering "what's next". Discuss things beforehand "we're going to go to the store and you need to stay by the cart. In the parking lot you need to hold my hand", etc. They do better if they know what's expected in advance. Meletonin at bedtime can be a life saver!

[CaddoRose]

Decide what your house rules are and post them were the 8 yr old can see and read them. Our rules are things like no loud voices, no running in the house, no hitting of any kind(physical violence), etc. With the rules, post the consequences and rewards. When we get new kids, I explain the rules, consequences and rewards as soon as they are settled(day one). I tell them they get two warnings the first time they break a rule or do something I have told them to stop doing. Third time they get the consequence. The very next time they do it, they get the consequence right away, no more warnings. Reward as much good behavior as possible without going overboard.

Establish the routine of the day and post that too. I may seem overkill to us, but to kids that have come into care it can really give them a sense of stability and calm by knowing that at 4 pm every day they will be doing X activity. I fill in a daily schedule that begins with getting up all the way through until they go to sleep.

[luvbeingamom]

Thanks for all the tips! My 22 year old bio son had mild ADHD growing up and we were able to treat it with a nutritious diet and lots of structure and routine. This little guy is going to be much more of a challenge I'm afraid. I found out that he is on 3 medications for his ADD/ADHD!!! I didn't know that was possible! I got really scared when I found out that he is in "special day school" Is that special ed? Or a class for kids that can't cope behaviorally in the regular classroom?

The social workers want me to get him into behavioral health for his issues. They are concerned because his medical doctor is the one who prescribed all these meds.

The little guy is soooo sweet! And the 8 year old is too...but I know he is probably "honeymooning". I found out this is not his first time in care, either. I really, really hope I didn't bite off more than I could chew as a new foster parent! I work full time & it sounds like it may be a challenge to find a babysitter for the 8 year old. But, I've made a commitment to these precious boys & I'll try my very best to make it work. I wish the workers would have been a little more forthcoming with me before I accepted this case. I hear the special day teacher feels the 8 year old "will not be able to make it in a foster home"

[sunnyrobins]

Do you know if he has received any therapy and/or a case manger for behavioral health care? We asked for and have received weekly individual and family therapy for/with M. He also has a case manager from the local mental/behavioral health care facility. The case manager comes to our home and picks him up once a week and takes him to do activitites that promote social skils (some times its just going to Arby's for a soda and chatting or going to the park and playing with or near other kids), etc. The therapist comes to our home once a week and meets with him individaully 1/2 time and then with us and him for 1/2 time. These two services have been very beneficial to M. We also requrested med management which is a psychiatrist and have been able to decrease some of his meds successfully. It is a lot of appointments and can make for a very cumbersome schedule BUT it is truly worth it.

[ladyjubilee]

Originally Posted by luvbeingamom

I am in the process of getting my foster license. I just accepted a placement of an 8 year old and 1 year old boys! I didn't realize it would happen before we had license in hand! I am excited and a little scared. The 8 year old has ADHD and some raging issues. I could really use some advice about how to handle the first few days with a placement. I was not expecting 8 year olds...I was going to foster children under 3.

Thanks for any and all advice I can get!

First, I'm excited for you.....Second if the child isn't already with you just be aware that if they placed with your before your license is complete there is a reason. ADHD and "raging issues" may well be code for severe needs. Little Guy was placed with me before my relicense was complete---and it has been a blessing, I adore this child and in many ways he is the easiest child to parent and hopefully I will get to adopt him soon. But the reality is that I have a hard time finding people who can handle him for even a weekend respite. My nose was broken. I've had chunks bitten out of me. Nights where PTSD incidents have meant no sleep at all before work. I knew Little Guy is autistic when I took the placement---a placement literally no one else would accept at the time...Incidentally, because my license wasn't complete the county did not have to, and did not, pay anything towards the placement---the agency paid me out of agency funds. And I did/do not get theraputic level--which is financially a challenge.

Be prepared for more than "normal parenting". You may even need to do some attachment parenting....or not (I went with not and have found success, but then RAD isn't one of Little Guy's issues.)

You'll have to decide how to handle the rage. With Little Guy we were able to hold his hands and do our best to prevent self injury.....while he bit and scratched and hit. Of course he's a Little Guy and most of the damage was bearable. The first few days we were low key and gave him time to sit and stim (autism thing) and just stepped out of reach for the worst of the rages. Then I joined him in his stims--again low key. We *gradually* introduced rules and offered replacement behaviors. For instance he is allowed to throw tantrums and rage....in his room. When he is mad, instead of biting pinching and hitting he can say, "I'm mad" and stomp his feet. The reward has been HUGE to the point on Halloween night he went to bite and was able to stop himself!!

We've also had to accept that we can't impose a rule to save us from embarrassment. He can't be the perfect little automaton. Soooo, my advice is a little different than the set a 100 rules and expect the child to follow them approach. I don't believe that works. I think children (and adults) learn a little at a time, and sometimes we have to be prepared to meet them where they are (from a Christian point of view, we have to be prepared to be like Jesus and love even if it means leaving our heaven for earth.) At the same time, that might well be needed for a RAD child (which ADHD plus rage...makes me wonder if is RAD).

We also started with few toys and a plain room and only gradually added more. What we as adults see as so cute can be overstimulating for a child.

If the child is new in the system, visits may be an issue. Even now visit days are a hurdle for Little Guy.

[ladyjubilee]

Originally Posted by luvbeingamom

Thanks for all the tips! My 22 year old bio son had mild ADHD growing up and we were able to treat it with a nutritious diet and lots of structure and routine. This little guy is going to be much more of a challenge I'm afraid. I found out that he is on 3 medications for his ADD/ADHD!!! I didn't know that was possible! I got really scared when I found out that he is in "special day school" Is that special ed? Or a class for kids that can't cope behaviorally in the regular classroom?

The social workers want me to get him into behavioral health for his issues. They are concerned because his medical doctor is the one who prescribed all these meds.

The little guy is soooo sweet! And the 8 year old is too...but I know he is probably "honeymooning". I found out this is not his first time in care, either. I really, really hope I didn't bite off more than I could chew as a new foster parent! I work full time & it sounds like it may be a challenge to find a babysitter for the 8 year old. But, I've made a commitment to these precious boys & I'll try my very best to make it work. I wish the workers would have been a little more forthcoming with me before I accepted this case. I hear the special day teacher feels the 8 year old "will not be able to make it in a foster home"

It sounds like you need a LOT more information. That kind of history, plus "ADHD" with 3 medications? Doesn't really sound like ADHD. You might look over on the RAD boards.

[luvbeingamom]

I think I'm going to have to give notice on Monday for this placement. This is just so outside what we are comfortable with! And I'm worried for the safety of the baby. The social workers have been talking to me all day trying to work out this placement. But, I let the agency know up front from the beginning that I did not want to take a special needs child & & I was placed with a child so emotionally damaged he has to go to a special school. This is WAY beyond my skillset. Maybe after a year or two under my belt, but not now. I didn't get a wink of sleep last night worrying about all this. I feel like a fool...they really understated his problems. I hope I wasn't so excited that I didn't "hear" what they were saying between the lines.

[chloroxsis]

If you feel that you cannot handle it, it's better to pull out now then when the kids arrive. I know its hard!

[Socal_mama]

I got a congratulations phone call that I had been licensed as a foster home, and in the same breath, i was transferred to a placement worker with an offer of a sibling set..so that does not surprise me that you got the kiddo's so quick..
As far as transitioning, i agree with everyone else..ROUTINE ROUTINE ROUTINE.. they thrive on routine, and everyone knows what to expect..
Best of luck!

[coachmur]

I always start off with a fairly strict routine because I find it much easier to "'lighten up" than to "tighten up", lol. I also try to pretty much stay home for the first several days to try and establish some attachment to us before the kids get bombarded by all our friends. It really seems to help. Have fun. The raging makes me wonder if he has ever been tested for RAD. Sometimes that is misdiagnosed as ADHD.