[auntie123]

Hi All,

I am new to this. I have taken in my great Niece and Nephew she is 8 he is 4. They have two other siblings that are in another foster care...therapy foster care.

They have been with me since August. At first it was very hard with the 8 year old. But things have been calming down and are going wonderfully.

When she came here her mom insisted that she was ADHD, But in the time I had her I was more inclined to think it was stress issues. After talking with her Doctor and Counselor we have decided to take her off her meds to see how she is doing. She has been off them alittle over a week and is doing wonderful. But the Bio mom is upset that she is coming off her meds,.

Last night s the first time in 18 days that she came to see them other then at therapy.

In this process it seems to me they are more in making sure the mom gets what she needs and does not consider what the children think.

I have to take them to Therapy once a week, and the 8 year old hates going. she misses a hour of school every week and has to take an hour ride to go to this meeting to see her Mom and Brothers. by the time we get home it is almost her bed time.

I am thinking the bio mom is not interested in getting her children back. she is 24 and has had 6 children, One passed away. One given up and these four in foster care. For kids being beaten to drugs and drinking.,

Well just wanted to introduce myself. I am reading and reading. hopeing to learn something.

[mimiandgigi]

Foster parenting is not easy, so I have a tremendous amount of respect for those who take on that responsiblity. I was a foster parent to 4 boys who I am in the process of adopting. I loved being a foster parent, the only thing I disliked was dealing with bio parents. They seemed to always make everything worse. A lot of times these children act up because they are not sure where they will end up, they need stability. My children acted out a lot at first but once they realize they havea praent that loves them and is not giving up on them it makes a huge difference. Just hang in there, I know it can get frustrating but the kids need you. Good luck and God bless

[shaslove]

You can do it!

Relative foster care has its own issues, but you can do it!

If you have any questions, you can ask me or hkolin, we both have done relative care-its confusing, but totally worth it!

[millie58]

Welcome!! I've done foster care for 4 boys who I've adopted. go with your gut when it comes to the kids. L, my 11 yo, was diagnosed as ADHD. I think it's anxiety and PTSD. the psych we were seeing at the time diagnosed EVERYONE as ADHD. L is on Strattera and it's working wonders. This is a great group of folks!!

[joskimo]

we had our nephews for 8 years and my best advice to you is to really have strong boundaries with the parents (or just mom?). We suffered in that respect and it affected the boys a lot. It can be harder with family to be strict but it's really important because these people will flit in and out of their lives, leaving empty promises and dysfunction.

[hkolln]

Welcome to the forum!

I fostered then adopted my niece (hubby's half sisters daugther) and she's now our daughter! YAY! It is hard in the beginning til they adjust but I have to say Alexis has done great!!! She got all A's and B's and one C on her report card and an A in behaviour!! YAY We are all so proud of her.

I TOTALLY agree on the strict boundaries! In fact, I haven't mentioned it, but I recently sent a letter to hubbys half sister telling her NO more contact. She would text me or call and call herself "Mommy" and it would totally confuse our daughter. She only called when it was good for her and not for our daughter. And it was 1 1/2 yrs of no contact where we watched our daughter totally thrive and blossom and then one phone call and she regressed. It was awful. The therapist even felt contact is not healthy right now, especially with the issues that evolved. Well, needless to say I got a VERY nasty text message from her biomom saying I was "jealous" of their relationship and that HER daughter will know how to contact her, etc...Well I have to say it's VERY hard for me to feel even once ounce of jealousy for someone that hurt their own child and did not keep them safe. Is she crazy? Well YES...and she has no contact with her other 2 children either due to this.

So if I were you I would make sure you have clear strict boundaries. And stick to them!

If you have any questions feel free to ask. I'm sure someone can answer them for you

[AlexzandersMom]

I too am/have done relative placements. They seem to be harder because it seems like they give the parents more chances than they would if the child was in foster care, which isn't right in my opinion. I haven't fostered yet but can say it might be a little easier not knowing the bio's. It is hard to set up boundries but I am glad I established those right away with my sister.

[auntie123]

Thank you all. I have only told her that she needed to call and could not just show up. The State tells me that she needs to call every night and see the the kids two to three times a week. But that has not been happening.

Like I said yesterday was the first time in 18 days that she had seen them besides therapy,. which is once a week.

What is hard is you end up falling in love with kids and are always afraid they will give them back. I mean I wouldn't she is a nut. But you are still afraid it is going to happen., The last court date the State and the kids attorney said the kids should not go back to her. She wants a trial. no idea when that will be,

thanks again

[Hadley2]

Hi, another auntie here, now mommy. Welcome to the club!

Echoing all above, I'd also suggest you get the children to the doctor's, dentist, and get an evaluative session with a psychologist or therapist as soon as possible. Get as many of the kids' records and any intake information and evals taken by social services beforehand. Pay attention to prenatal history and any known special needs. If their Medicaid is pending, tell the provider when you make appointments and ask them to defer billing until you have a Medicaid number. The coverage will be retroactive if it is not already in place. Whatever you do, do not pay medical or mental health bills yourself as Medicaid will not reimburse you, it will only pay the provider directly.

I'd also suggest you start fp licensing as it will educate you to the process, legalities, timelines, and the children's rights and entitlements. Social services sometimes likes relative placements precisely because so many don't know these things, and they can glide over them to save time and money but it is to the childrens' great detriment. It will also help you to establish positive ties with your local social services dept., which can be invaluable down the line. Finally, it will put you in touch with other resources, such as your local and state foster parent associations, the Anne E. Casey Foundation, and other private nonprofits in your area serving the needs of foster children and families.

Second, read up on your state law, especially regarding permanency plans and grounds for termination of rights. This is a good place to start: State Statutes

Third, sign nothing that accepts legal custody or guardianship of the child. If you are presented with such an agreement, understand that it means that while the state closes its foster case, the custody case with the parent and all its issues--return of the child, visitation, medical and educational decision making, rights of association, etc.--remains open--with you, not the state, as the other party footing the bill for prosecution or defense of the various resulting motions and lawsuits. It puts you in pretty much the same position, actually a little less secure legally, as a noncustodial parent in a divorce. Even if you will "always win" challenges to your custody or guardianship, you would still have to pya the legal fees to defend against challenges or to try to terminate rights privately (can be very expensive!). You are for sure wanting to talk to your own--not the agency's--lawyer before signing anything like that!

So many families think that the goal is to "get the child out of the system" that they create a mess for themselves and the children by not using the safeguards and benefits the system can offer the children. The goal is to ensure safe and legally secure permanency for the children, not "get them away from" the state, which, actually, more often than not, would like to dump them off the rolls as soon as possible. Once the children are placed with you, as long as you are a fit and willing placement, social services and the courts generally want the children to stay with you if they can't return to the parent. It costs them a lot of time, money, and resources to establish a different placement, not to mention the harm to the child in a disruption. So when RU is not possible, "the system" is put together, as much as possible by congress and the states, to ensure that the placement is successful. Toward that end, social services and the courts are supposed in practice to offer a lot of supports and services. So, don't be in an automatic rush to get rid of social services and court intervention and oversight.

As for understanding how things should work, for example, you should not have to supervise visitation, whether by phone calls or in person (unless you believe it is safe--broadest terms possible--beneficial, and comfortable for the children and you really want to). That is social services' job.

If the parents are inappropriate or intoxicated or abusive during those contacts, then you would be the one to testify to that (would you want to?) and your testimony would be less credible than a state worker's. Not to mention that parental contact can be very disruptive to your household. Your home should be a safe haven for the children--if they feel that the parent can invade it at any time, they won't be able to relax and heal. At the least, contacts should be strictly scheduled. If the state wants parents to have visitation, especially that much visitation which sounds like a tremendous amount, then the state should be scheduling it--so that no-shows can be documented--and supervising it with the parents in such a way that there is no "she said-she said" in court.

Also, the children are probably Title IV-E eligible, which would put them on childrens' Medicaid, provide a subsidy at foster rates, perhaps clothing allowance, perhaps transportation for visitation, perhaps daycare for when you're at work, perhaps $ for respite care to give you a break, etc., there are many services states can use this federal money for. They can use it for subsidized kinship care, but not all do and not all reimburse at the same rate as they do licensed foster parents. Again, you can look into what services your state provides to Title IV-E foster children.

If it looks as if the parents won't reunify with the children, you will also want to know what post-adoption subsidies are available for foster and kinship adoptive families.

If you live in VA, TN, or a handful of other states that try to bar families from adopting their kin and providing true permanency, then you will want to be getting licensed and lining up your own attorney for sure as well as getting to know the guardian ad litem attorney and/or CASA for the children as well as possible.

Understand that subsidy is child support, it is not payment to you, it is partial reimbursement. It is meant to benefit the child and refusing it is essentially refusing help to which the child is entitled. That is, although it goes into your pocket, it benefits the child and refusing it takes that much ease in life away from the child, kwim?

Sorry if I threw too much at you at once. So much of this I learned the hard way as we bumped along through the case and planning. I was educated and trained in federal law and state law in one state only to learn that not all states actually follow federal law in practice (even though they may say that they do), especially with regard to kinship situations. I don't think it is a consciously evil intent, but they do tend to take advantage of the generally lower educational and financial levels and ignorance of the system of kinship providers. There is a study somewhere detailing that in terms of support, services, and outcomes, but I don't have the reference handy. The point is, as the saying goes, "they see you coming" so do everything you can to know what should happen so that you are not relying on just the caseworker's word.

You are doing a wonderful for the children! I truly hope all works out well for them and for you and the parents!

[Chancey]

Hadley2 - perfect post! I couldn't agree with you more. Although we are foster, we have helped some of our foster kids (when transitioned to relatives) kin with the same issues you speak about. If we had not been there to let them know what they should do they would have ended up with nothing and a custody issue mess of their own.

To the OP -- I would suggest printing Hadley2's post and referring back to it as your journey continues. You may even want to not just take foster classes but become licensed. Foster parents generally receive a better reimbursement (prior to TPR) than kinship. In Texas Kinship gets nothing for support prior to TPR -- foster's receive at minimum $22.15 a day.

[LovingAunt]

I would have to agree boundaries are very important. I would not supervise. We agreed at first and now we are having a rough time. The BIOs are really disrepectful and have what I felt like made some unsafe situations at visits. Right now I am trying to get the CW to get someone else to do the visits but she states that it is a court order and I have to wait until we go back to court in December.

[auntie123]

Thank you so much. There is so much to learn. The state is trying to get us licensed. We have done the back ground check, finger printing, water test, House check, I will keep your post I am sure it will help me.

[Hadley2]

Not to hijack, but lovingaunt, tell that cw to produce that court order showing that a judge actually ordered YOU by name to provide and supervise visitation. She is spouting pure hogwash. I guarantee you, it doesn't exist. If it did, you would have been served by an officer of the court. No judge makes a court order binding a person to do something and then doesn't have them served that order. What exists is an order binding social services to provide for visitation and supervision. Tell her to either give you a copy of the order with the court seal or schedule and provide visitation herself.

This is the kind of manipulation and exploitation of kinship providers I'm talking about. Pick your battles, but this is an important one if it disrupts your household, disturbs the childern, and/or wreaks havoc among the family relations social services is claiming it is trying to strengthen and preserve.