[drumteagan]

Our soon to be adopted daughter's bio Mom passed away after having another baby. The baby is going to relatives. We are going to keep in contact. We have told her that her bio Mom has died. We have given her openess to talk and ask questions....and yes she has been. a lot! Which is good. Has anyone ever had this happen? TPR was last week and she knew she was supposed to go for a "goodbye" visit on Thurs. We didn't think it would be goodbye forever. If anyone has experience with this let me know. We are reading and asking like crazy and tiptoeing our way through this. She has been getting lots of love and cuddles.

[Chancey]

Sorry to hear that. My recommendation would be to have her go to play therapy.

[sandysis]

My daughter lost her mom - not the same situation, and she was older.

I would say, open communication and validating her feelings are most important. Grief comes out in all sorts of ways, and often it looks like anger from kids. Try to be there for her during times of acting out. Let her know that you understand that she is sad/confused/angry, whatever.

Also let her know that she is safe with you - she can talk about her mom and miss her mom and love her mom, and that doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

sandysis

[cecegarrett]

There is a picture book called "The Next Place" and I have found it invaluable when working through the grief/questions from little people faced with a death. I am so sorry for everyone involved... and will be praying.

[Newshyde]

I'm hoping to gain some insight from this. My FS's mom (he is 5) dissappeared after learning she had cancer. Supposedly it is terminal and she is not fighting it at all. He is grieving so much with her just leaving, I'm so worried about what I'm going to do if she actually does die and we have to address that too. So sad and so sorry for your little one. That must be hard.

[ranoutofnames]

I was once a hospice social worker and I used a book that was made by Mr. Rogers (from the show "Mr Rogers Neighborhood). He had TERRIFIC books on dealing with different illnesses and with death. He also has pamphlets on helping an adult help a child through death.

It's been 13yrs so my mind is a little rusty, but I do remember to speak factually with children. Don't tell them the person "went to sleep", which was a common thing for people to tell children several years ago. Also, don't say they are watching us or have turned into Angel's.

Is she being cremated or open casket? I do think that it's important for SOME children to see the person and given the opportunity to touch or leave a gift in the casket, if they want. I've never worked with your child so I don't know if that is something she could handle.

My A2 was 4yrs old when my grandfather passed away. My children were VERY close to Great PaPa. He was cremated and although I had the opportunity to take them to see his body I knew she couldn't handle seeing him (a person looks much different right after they've died compared to the sprucing that occurs with cremation.) I did take her to the funeral. She was surrounded by family and others that she could feel their loss and get out her grief in a setting that shared rather than hid everyone's loss. As we, as a family, were leaving she was reaching her hands toward his ashes and picture crying "Great PaPa". There was a fresh rush of tears in the whole church.

I have no idea your relationship with the bio-family remaining that would be at the service. If you are planning to go you might want to call them in advance and ask if it would be ok if you and your child sit with the family during the service. If you are taking her and she knows any of the extended family she will feel like an "outsider" if she is set away from the family.

It's been 16 months since my grandfather passed away. Every now and then my daughters will mention Great PaPa. Usually I hear "Great PaPa is in Heaven right? I will see him when I go to Heaven, but that will be a long time away."

My heart goes out to all of you.

[parenting-over-40]

So sorry to hear about her loss. Prayers going up to Heaven for your little girl.

[Sunnyblu]

I don't know that they print the books by Mr. Rogers any more, but I have seen those and others on the issues of loss/grief at our 1/2 priced and used bookstores if that helps.

[drumteagan]

Just an update.... Our little "I" is doing well. We got the books, told her basically everything that was posted, loved and cuddled a lot and left it open for questions. I got her a stuffed cat that plays her fav song and she has been dragging it everywhere. We did go to the funeral but it was the strangest thing I have ever been to. She was creamated. "I" left a picture she colored up near the front where her bio's picture was. Most the people were drunk. Other bios crowded her and kept wanting her to smile for pictures. We allowed 1 picture from a bio we knew . "I" shut down and curled so far into my chest I thought she was becoming part of me. I told them we had to leave and we did. She has acted pretty normally since. A little sensitive. Very clingy for the first week. I stayed home from work a few days because she wouldn't let me out of her sight (understandable). She would sit in the bathroom while I took a shower just so she knew I was still there. She is very independant so that is not normal for her. She asks questions at the most randomest times and I always stop and answer them. She seems to be doing ok. I thought she would just shut down but she didn't. whew! She did try to milk it a bit by saying "mommy (bio) died....can I have this toy???" we explained that she cannot use someones death as a way to get something you want....she got it quick. Thank you all for your suggestions! It really helped us through this very tough situation!