[thelowlanders]

We're beside ourselves at times. The comments, music, postings, behaviors, lack of honesty, etc. I'm a bit disgusted and disappointed. I don't know really....

I feel like a whole bunch of discipline is still not going to fix the problem. Such as taking away phone, myspace, etc. It's more of a heart issue, and perhaps a culture issue. Really feeling ... well I just don't know.

So far we've
Taken phone, blocked myspace, and are looking into classes such as photography, and maybe selfdefense. Anything for her to take pride in herself in better ways. And focus on something ELSE. And of course, when I'm ready, talk with her.

Anyone been here before? Had a plan of action? Maybe this is just normal for teens nowdays, but that dirty and explicit will never be supported in this house. And we're not even prudypatooties

[shy_bear]

I don't think teens are more sexual than we were growing up; I think they have different avenues available to them, such as the internet, cell phones, etc. I think it is really hard when you are parenting a child who was not raised with the same morals that you have. I guess, and I am not in your shoes, that instead of taking things away which is a form of punishment the lines of communication need to be opened. The expectations need to be very clear!!! IF you think the teens behavior is above and beyond that of a "normal" teen maybe try therapy??? I wish you luck!!

[o2b30again]

Nicely put shy bear. Another thing...birth control. I am not looking forward to this time in my children's lives either.

[thelowlanders]

She came here already on birth control. The pills were way too stressful to make sure she actually took them. So the shot has been great.

I get communication in random bits. Those I am thankful for. We hope to cover the even more clear expectations on Sunday with her. Didn't think we had to specify into that disturbing of a level. But... We learn as we go I guess. If you need an example so you know I'm not being overly picky, one of her favs. on her phone is "Jeffrey Star" I think was the name.

Oh, her therapist has been notified. Maybe she can help her find insight ...

[Lorraine123]

You can't punish her for being sexually supercharged. You can punish her for sneaking out, lying, or saying inappropriate things to you but teenagers are just naturally sexually supercharged. Thats part of it. And when kids have not been taught how to deal with it, its even twice as scary.

You can't stop your teen from having sex. If that is what she wants to do, she will do it. Thats true with any teenager. Thats been true throughout the ages. We can hope that our kids make wise decisions, but we can't force them to do that. If you think she will not make good decisions regarding sex, I agree with birth control.

I'm not sure that I understand why Jeffree Star being one of her favs is so terrible. Yes, he is a weirdo and, I agree, not a good influence. But he is an icon these days. I remember really liking stars that my parents felt were going to be the demise of me. If you don't want her to have him as a fav, tell her to remove him and if she doesn't, remove her phone. A phone is a privilege, not a right.

Sex and teens will always be an issue. Until the end of time.

Good luck to you. I also have a sexually charged teen girl and its terrifying.

[stevenstwin]

Well, it certainly isn't "all" teens, but it is a lot of them. My daughter is not that way at all, and neither are her close friends, but when I look at the stuff other kids post on their Facebook pages I'm saddened. And since I teach high school I hear a lot of it from them as well....I do know a LOT of it relates to early parenting and experiences. A lot of the kids that are that way lacked positive direction at some point in their lives. That is not an easy thing for us to make up for once they are older.

[MamaS]

When Elvis Presley made his first television appearance the camera shot him only from the waist up, because his "leg twitching" was seen as sexually stimulating and provocative. Now Elvis is G-rated!
I hope getting her involved in an activity helps, but I never found an activity that could equal the admiration of a young man.

[arbuckle17]

I am still young enough to have had internet access etc when I was a teen, and I will admit to taking advantage of my poor parents nievette in regards to it. I wouldn't pass that much beyond the kids who had a stash of playboys under their beds.

BUT, both my wife and I have only had one partner. It has mostly to do with the morals we were raised with, which speaks to the unfortunate realization that after a certain age or maturity level, you are going to be to late to expect abstanence unless of course you can connect solidly enough with her to talk openly about it. and show her how much more respect she would have if she was. Even then you might just be blowing smoke, sometimes lifes leasons have to be learned the hard way, it's just sad that the negative implications to this one can be so bad.

I will be the first to admit sometimes a bit of hard love and disaplin is what is needed to iron out wrinkles, but in this case I suspect the kind hand and face of a friend and knowing mentor might be the best approach. I would obviously set limits, (God help the boy that did anything to an underage girl in my household), but perhaps it would be time for a weekend of one on one bonding time.

[sandysis]

It may be too late for this, particularly not knowing her early experiences, but I think it's super important to teach kids (particularly girls because of the pregnancy issue) about self respect. Encouraging a strong sense of self esteem is primary in their future decision making process.

Safe sex is only implemented if a girl feels confident enough to stop and say, "you have to use a condom or no go." That requires self trust, self esteem and self respect. Hard stuff to teach a kid who may have been abused, neglected, etc.

Good luck!

[thelowlanders]

Thank you everybody.

I understand Icons. I actually appreciate Jeffree Star's funky style. I like the sound of the music. But... the words are NASTY by too much for a 15 year old.

I think we're going to continue with the build a relationship stance. When we do any form of discipline we clarify that it's because we are concerned. Not one of those "You're in trouble because..." For her, in particular, I think this is the best stance.

We had an excellent talk today. She and friends tried to pull ANOTHER one over on us. So there was trust, safety, psychy growth in teens, and her feelings of still learning to communicate with us, etc. talks that went on. I agree that we can't keep her from having sex or sexual experiences if she is dead set on doing so. There's always the time she's supposed to be at school. We'll be focusing on building self respect and confidence. Also found her to be interested in building a better group of friends. Her friends kinda got her in trouble today and really didn't care. I think it was an eyeopener.

[thelowlanders]

Ok. Sandysis mentioned condoms. How does one go about making sure they have them available. I was raised in a home where this is unimaginable. You were just told not to do it. Period. So..... Do parents just provide them? Do you leave them in an obvious place that they can "sneak" one if needed? This is beyond me.

We still intend on not giving her any opportunity. We do not approve of this but, teens still seem to find a way.

[sandysis]

I always find honesty really is the best policy with kids.

You can sit her down and say, "I know you're having sex. I'm not mad at you for that. I'm not saying I approve, but I understand. Since you are having sex, I want you to be safe and careful. That is most important thing. Here, I'm giving you these condoms (or here's money to buy condoms). Make sure you use one EVERYTIME you have sex. EVERYTIME!"

You can also tell her that if a boy won't use a condom then she needs to get up and leave. He doesn't respect her, and she deserves respect. Reinforce that she needs to respect her body and her future. She shouldn't give anything away unless SHE wants to. And certainly not if she feels coerced or forced.

[lovingheart]

Also you may want to discuss the fact that oral sex is still sex (No Bill Clinton jokes please) and she can still get sexually transmitted diseases this way (HIV, Herpes, etc). We just went through this recently with a friend and her daughter who at 15 did not think the giving her boyfriend oral sex was a big thing. He soon dumped her and several of his friends started making comments. Brought home real quick the idea of having respect for yourself

[arbuckle17]

When I was an RA at our local college I kept a stack of them in our bathroom for the guys on my floor. Two important points to keep in mind in regards to condoms.

1) they expire and if it is expired it needs to be thrown away.

2) the one that Bobby keeps in his wallet is garbage. If you crush them you can ruin them. They make carying cases you should be able to pick up at your local clinic that will protect them.

Those two points mean, he should always wear a condom that she provides.

This is a really slipperly slope though so be extremely careful, the last thing you want is her to goto school saying I can have sex with anyone, they gave me a condom so they must be ok with it.

[laceyc]

My husband is a youth minister. I was 26 and he was 27 when we married 5 years ago and we both waited until our wedding night. I realize this is the exception rather than the rule. We deal with teens and sex on a regular basis. When they have been raised in a home when anything goes or where dad has been absent or abuse has been present often times self respect is lacking and they are reaching out for someone to love them. Being that your teen is in foster care I assume there is something in her past that could have influenced her self esteem. My heart breaks for young girls who do not see themselves as valuable enough to keep something of themselves for someone truly special. In my line of work I have heard many times "I wish I had waited" and I have comforted many girls who's boyfriend left and they feel empty b/c they gave all they could and it was not enough. I really don't have much advice except to love her. Love her enough to set boundaries...it sounds like you already have. If she sees that you love and care about her maybe she will see that she is lovable and should be treated with care and concern. Sorry, this is my soapbox.