[Juliana13]

I really need your ideas on how to deal with the loss of a precious foster child (17 months old - we had her for 10 months). No, we are not likely to have any visits. Her father has promised pictures and updates, but I don't know how likely that really is. I am really heartbroken and miss her terribly. Whenever I close my eyes I see her laughing. I have thought of putting together a scrapbook of her time with us, but I break down in sobs when I look at pictures of her. I will do it, but maybe I need to wait a little while.

I have combed the internet looking for books, articles, anything to help. Everything on grief and loss in the system focuses on the children (understandable that most of it would, of course). Everything on dealing with the loss of a child focuses on dealing with a death of a child. The grief is similar, but the suggestions for help do not apply. My heart is breaking, I cannot sleep, due to crying so hard at night, and I have to be mother to three other grief-stricken and behaviorally acting out children - two who are so sad to lose their baby sister (even though we knew it was coming). ...And one new toddler daughter who just lost her whole world and needs my full nurturing attention.

I am having a hard time finding resources/support for our family grieving this loss. I have gotten "Let me know if you need a shoulder to cry on." from our RFC - but what we really need is a better support system - a way to read or talk about how to handle this intense sadness.

And the comments about "You are my hero" or "I could never do that" or "At least you have your new child you are adopting" or "You knew it wasn't permanent" - NONE of these comments help! I don't want to be anyone's hero, I can't do this either, my new daughter does NOT replace the one I lost, and knowing it wasn't permanent doesn't make it not hurt when they leave. How do you prepare your heart to lose a child? Oh, and my least favorite, "At least she's still alive." Huh?

I have asked everyone in the system that I have contact with, but no one can give me a resource - a counselor with experience, a book or article that deals with this, - nothing. I feel very lost and alone.

Is there somewhere a list of good books or articles on how to deal with this loss? There is plenty of info on how to help the child in care deal with their emotions, but when that placement has ended, how do I help my grieving, acting out children who are heartbroken at the loss, and how do I navigate my own intense sad emotions?

There is no way I can put myself and my children through this again without a way to deal with this. You guys have to have better information.

Please let me know if you have any info that can help me. My heart is so sad.

[mommy09]

I'm so sorry. I really don't have an answer to what you are going through. All I can say to you really is that I am praying for you and your family during this hard time.
All we can do as fp is love the kids we have for as long or short of time that we have them... And don't let anyone put down the way you feel right now. Hang in there. Hugs.

[Fatcat]

Nobody deals with it the same way. I don't think finding an exact resource to deal with this is going to help, for example a counselor with foster care experience, you will just have to work through this in your own way. It's hard but it will get easier as time goes on. A regular counselor might be able to help.

I wish you all the best in dealing with this. I hope that you do get pictures and visits. I'm so sorry for your loss. This is one of the things I worry about as a foster parent. We haven't had the experience yet of a child staying so long and then going and I wonder how we will weather it as a family.

Do what you need to do. Grieve in your own way. Don't let anyone minimize your grief. It's very real.

[dachshunds4you]

I'm so sorry!! It is really tough, and there is no true support system, than those of us who have gone through it before.

I can say this, it will get better, I promise. I too cried every time I saw my first FD's pics. Her bgrandma sent me some pics about 2 months after she left us. I balled my eyes out. As I'm typing this, 3 yrs later, I'm tearing up.

As other PP said, don't let others minimize it. Sometimes I'd snap at these people and say, how would you feel if your daughter left you after 10 months.

Prayer, give support with your DH if you're married. We hugged and cried together. We did get another placement. It wasn't the same, but I was busy. Then about 3 months later, we were placed with our AD. She brought the true joy back in us!

Give it time. When we lose someone in death, we don't wake up the next day feeling happy and smiley. It's the same thing here. Allow time for your grief.

Take care!! We're thinking of u!

[shavon]

My heart is breaking for you..I am fixing to be in the same boat, my fs who I have had for the last 16 of his 19 month life is fixing to be RUd.

He isnt even gone yet and I cry when I think of being without him and even worse when I think of him being without us..we are all he knows as his family.

I am really sorry...post here as much as you need to. I wish I had words of wisdom for you...

[elk134]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your are right, really nothing anyone says seems to help. (At least those who haven't been through it before.) When our placement left. I would just come home from work and cry uncontrollably, especially when I passed their bedroom. I am sorry that you won't get visits. We now get visits (didn't use to). While it does help some. My heart breaks all over again when we have to leave. (It doesn't help that one of them still cries and says she would rather live with us-Funny, I think she's the one I miss the most too- And she had the worst behaviors when we first got her!) I almost think not seeing them may have helped me somewhat, (but not enough to stop visits.) I do keep their pictures up around the house though. They were a part of our family for over a year, so as far as I'm concerned, they will always be a part of our family.

Please take time to cry and grieve- it is part of the process. But like others have said, the time it takes to heal is different for everyone. I am thinking of you and hoping you- and your hurting family- can find joy again!!!

[_Liberty_]

I'm grieving with you.
Our fd was placed with us in the hopes that it would lead to adoption. We were called the day she was born, visited her every day through her 2 month detox in the hospital and brought her home straight from there. She is now 6 months old. The bio dad was identified and his parents will get custody.
I get really mad when people say "there will be another child". Really? I bet that doesn't fly with parents who lose their child to death either, and that's just what this feels like.
She isn't gone yet, but I have started my mourning. The bags I earned from 6 months of sleepless nights with her have swollen from all my crying and I look 10 years older.
I tear up when I see little girls, 2 and 8 and 12 and 16 yrs old and think, "I'll never know what she'll look like, or be like at that age. I'll never be a part of that".
I don't have an answer or source of support for you.
I can just tell you that this deserves a mourning period.
My faith is all that is seeing me through this. And of course, the encouragement I get from this forum.
I would like to add that as far as the kids still at home are concerned, I let them see my sadness and
tell them why I'm tearing up or sniffling or acting sad. I encourage them to talk about how they feel
about her leaving, and tell them about the wonderful family she will be going to. I, at least, have the
peace of mind knowing that she is going into a stable, loving environment with people who will cherish her.
I would die inside if I thought she was going to an unsuitable home.

[millie58]

My first placement left after a month as there was a family who could take all 5 siblings. I was devastated!! they left the day before Thanksgiving. I stayed in bed the whole 4 days. What got me through that was the realization that siblings should be together and I wasn't set up for that many. I had a baby for almost 2 years. When he left, I went on a small trip. Figure out what will work for you.

Hugs and kisses!!

[7brats]

Thats a question I have been asking myself too.My FD's left 7 months ago. I think about they daily. I think with me,there have been no other placements so there is a void that is there.

I have a large family with bio and adopted children and a husband who is the love of my life. I even have a grand daughter and a grandson on the way abd even through I love my family very much I am still greiving.

I guess it takes time and we all go through it,I just never thought it would be so hard.

Believe me I know what you are going through....

[Mkap]

We still grieve the loss of our beautiful little ffd. She will be in our hearts forever. We both dreamt of her the other night and pray that she is well.
During the worst of it I went to therapy, I got on an antidepressant. I soul searched. I cried and cried. Nobody had the answer. Nobody could help. I called so many counselors looking for someone that specialized in grief therapy for foster parents and nothing! I looked for books and couldn't find anything. I'm doing better now, we both are, much much better.
I'll be curious to follow this thread and see what others suggest.
Hugs to you!

[AmahMama]

There is no one answer. I have had over 60 children come and share my life - and I cry with each and every one that leaves. And I know they are leaving when they come. I remember every smile, every tear, every funny that was said, every milestone, and every name. I have a digital frame that has nothing but 'my' babies on the slideshow and my dh and I love to watch it. We gave each and every one of those babies our hearts and lives while they were with us... They may never remember us - personally - but there will be a spot there in thier hearts and lives that is better because they were with us - we were there for them when they were in need. I tell myself often that it is 'for the children' not for me - even tho' I get great comfort and a wonderful sense of well being with each child that I hold, cuddle, and love.

It is hard to let them go. And I've learned that it is easier for the babies and toddlers if they don't see us again. It only confuses them and they 'stress' either because they want to 'come home' or they 'like where they are'. Many times the little guys are torn - and they don't understand. I make myself be content with the pics from bios and adoptive parents that I recieve. I watch them grow with pride - knowing that I was there for them when they were in need.

Sorry if I repeat myself - it is a hard subject and no one 'deals' the same. I choose to look at each placement that goes to a forever home (ru, relative, or adoption) as a great achievement. This baby was kept safe, nurtured, and loved for sure by me....

[Sunshine4me]

My husband and I said goodbye to our FFD 4 weeks ago when she was RU (we had her for 6 months) so I know how you feel. When I am ovewhelmed with emotions I meditate. I bought a downloadable set of relaxing meditations and it has helped me SO much (to calm down and feel peaceful). There is no way around the pain, it is a very sad experience that we must go through. Just know that you are not alone (that gave me a sense of peace as well). I have also written letters to her in my journal (letters that I will never send). I write about how much I love and miss her. When I picture her in my mind I surround her with light and send her love. I just tell her over and over how much I love her.

Hope that helps! My thoughts are with you.

[luvmykids4]

My heart is with you. We had our first fd from birth until six months old. We thought we'd be able to adopt her, and things went a totally different way. We were devastated. She went home five days before Christmas last year. I have 4 bio kids, and then were crushed as well. My (then) 15 year old daughter had the hardest time, which hurt more than me hurting. I cried myself to sleep every night for weeks - then I lost my dad, which made a double whammy. We got a toddler fd in March, and she went home to her mom in Sept. We also have a toddler boy who we may be able to adopt, as he has no one at all. As much as I love them, I still cry for our first fd sometimes. I have to say that it does get easier, and you do start to heal. I don't think there is a perfect fix - just find what helps you, and feel what you feel. Just try to keep some perspective, and be grateful for the good in your life. I don't say this as a condemnation, but just as something that is always important to all of us! I think that even though the loss was not a death, we will still feel that pain, just like a death. If you lost a bio child, and had another, you would not forget the child you lost. I think the same goes for our little foster children. Just remind yourself of the blessing you were to that little life when she was with you. It may not feel like it now, but you still did a wonderful thing. Hugs to you, and God bless you.

[MassachusettsMom]

I, too, have been there. It does get easier eventually. It took us about a year.

Call around and see if you can find a grief therapist or two. We went through three therapists before we found one who "got" what we were going through. (One told us to "just think of the kid as a foster kid" - WTF!!? - and the other basically said she had no idea how to deal with us. Finally, the third, was willing to listen and validate our loss.) I also went on antidepressants, which helped. And we cried and mourned our loss for a long time.

We still miss our little boy every single day. We're not happy with the situation he was returned to, but we hope that his time with us gave him the strength to survive and thrive. And we hope that someday we'll be able to meet him as an adult.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[chloroxsis]

I am so sorry. I don't have any experience, but I did try to find you some resources. There doesn't seem to be much. The ones I found just talk about the stages of grief. I think looking through those just helps you to realize your feelings are appropriate. Here's a link to one article: Foster Parents Must Allow Themselves to Grieve - Associated Content - associatedcontent.com.

How nice the baby has known love for so long! It's a great start to life. In your sadness, be proud too. Here's a hug!