[dachshunds4you]

I had to share with someone besides DH, and I knew you all would be able to appreciate this.

Last Dec we submitted our homestudy for a 6 yr old girl available for adoption, A. Two weeks later my hubby recognized her at Sam's Club...what are the chances of having ran into her at a store! We were able to meet her as just other foster parents, and we talked with her foster mom. Her foster mom gave us the CPS worker's info, which I contacted her several times.

They received several hundred homestudies, and we were part of the 6 who made it to the top. The adoption worker choose us, but GAL made the final decision and choose another family for her in May.

Today we received a call from our agency worker letting us know A's placement was being disrupted and they wanted to know if we'd consider taking her. We're waiting for more info as to why it's being disrupted as well as I guess whatever other info they will give out.

We feel so excited because after all this time we still think about her and think what a great addition she would have made to our family. But part of me is also concerned as to why another family would have disrupted. I'm sure it can be a number of things, but I worry is it something more than we can handle.

I'm going to be on pins and needles until the worker calls back with the details. Does the fact that the CPS adoption worker called our agency mean we're the next in line, or would they call the other families who were not selected either?

But do I be concerned with the fact the other family disrupted? Do I look at is as a sign that she was meant to be with us? So tough...and I don't want to be so excited that we don't weigh everything properly.

Thanks for letting me share! No one understands but all of you!

[thelowlanders]

Just remember

Each family is different. What works for one doesn't work for another. Our teen FD was described as basically just terrible by her last placement. Whereas everything I heard sounded like normal teen stuff. Turns out it was the other family that just wasn't a match.

There may be nothing too terribly hard about this girl. Maybe just not a match for them.

Congratulations and enjoy this opportunity.

[shavon]

I agree with lowlanders... I currently have a teen placement that just doesnt fit..yeah he has done things that concerns me but I think he would do great being an only child...so just because she didnt fit with the other home it dont mean that she wont fit with yours..

Good luck..keep us updated

[dachshunds4you]

Thank you both! We got some more info. Some of it sounds like typical 7 yr old (she's turned 7). Some of it sounds like a child who has left her sibs (they were adopted separately), and some of it being a child who has left the only other home she's known and had some stability.

The other thing I learned, she has only been at this home for less than 2 months. How sad is that? Couldn't these parents give her more time? Is it better to disrupt sooner than later I guess.

We're going to have a staffing on Friday to talk with the therapist and the adoption worker to get more info.

I've seen threads before, and will search for them, but will you give me some suggestions as to what to ask at the staffing? We've never been part of one, and I'm nervous.

Thanks!!

[greenmama]

OH So exciting! I remember the day we found out we had been chosen for our son...I hadn't even known they were choosing that day! Good luck on Friday!

[Juliana13]

Ask specifically why this adoptive placement is being disrupted - see if you get any other info. You want to get ALL the information you can. Ask to see her file. Check out any physical and emotional issues she has, as well as any history of abuse or neglect, and make sure you are comfortable with them. Talk with the therapist about why he'/she thinks this placement failed, and what will be required of you in dealing with/caring for this child's needs. - Does she need a firmer kind of love? Does she need a lot of space? Whatever the therapist can tell you. Ask what the rules/goals are for continued contact with her siblings, therapy, school issues and any other issues involved with her care or behavior.

Part of me would want to talk to the current family to get a better idea, but part of me says not to, - that their opinions will be emotionally tainted (how could they not be?) and you don't want to get any negative pre-opinions of her.

It seems weird to be choosy, but this girl shouldn't have to endure another disruption, and she deserves a family who will be able to handle whatever she throws at them and love her unconditionally.

She will have issues. There is no question about that. The more you understand about her background and what those issues are likely to be, the better prepared you can be to help her, and the better you will be able to judge whether you think she will be a good fit for your family, and whether your family will be good for her.

And then you pray.

Good luck! Kinda scary - and pretty exciting!

[shycar]

Good questions Julianna. Other question comes to my mind are: Why was she seperated from sibling? How many foster homes was she in total? Was in one home until moved to adoptive home or was she in many homes? That can tell you alot. If she was in one previouse home ask if you can chat with previouse foster parents.

[Shelly77]

Originally Posted by dachshunds4you

Today we received a call from our agency worker letting us know A's placement was being disrupted and they wanted to know if we'd consider taking her. We're waiting for more info as to why it's being disrupted as well as I guess whatever other info they will give out.

Our Princess had a disruption too. They gave us information about the disruption, and the summary from the previous aparents and the case worker describing why the adoption was disrupted.

Also, just before the adoption placement, at least in my state, the child has to have a recent psych eval. I would ask to see the copy from just before the current placement. That can tell you alot. For example, if the recent psych eval said she wasn't ready for the adoption, and she was behaviorally making sure that the adoption didn't "work", I'd see if her therapist thinks she's ready now. If not, the outcome could be repeated.

That's just an example of how it could help. But I would ask for the "reason of disruption" and for the recent psych eval before the adoptive placement.

[txwannabemom]

My 7 yrold looked SOOOO bad on paper. RAD ADHD ODD PTSD etc etc etc. She's seperated from her siblings, she had one foster home for 4 years and left it to be adopted by me. I mean yeah she has stuff. You bet. BUT we are a great match. Most of her stuff is kid stuff. She's in therapy, she's doing great. She had a 65 yr old foster mom who used exclusionary discipline & shaming with kid with attachment issues. HELLO!?!?

She's a great kid. Did I get lucky? Probably.
Maybe you will too. Listen to the peoples perceptions of the child. Take everything with a grain of salt. Did these people have the experience with children that you and DH do? Probably not. No many do. Your going to be amazing parents! CONGRATS!

[txwannabemom]

You know what else: a woman had picked dd from fp house, told my DD she was going to adopt her, and took her back to the foster home within 12 hours.

What a mistake! This is a GREAT girl! Her loss is my gain!

[Larue]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say congratulations!!!! Please keep us posted on your news!!!

[DannieAS]

This is tough....I believe in prayer and faith....whatever your faith is, this is the time to use it.

Read everything and find out all the information you can about her and why there was a disruption...but remember not all families are equipped for this either.

My friend adopted a precious girl at age 4. She was in an adoptive home for 4 weeks and then "sent back"....before my friend adopted her. The only reason she got that they didn't want to keep her was because she wouldn't stop crying. My friend took the leap of faith and decided that this was going to be a good match for her. They have bonded and are doing well.

Just an FYI, disrupted placements *may* have a long term effect. My friend's daughter experienced the disruption before the Holiday season (Thanksgiving) occurred so still to this day....she is 8 now, whenever she sees the fall decorations coming in the stores and in the home, she will get clingy and sometimes cry for everything. My friend says it has gotton better, but it's still a trigger for her daughter.

[dachshunds4you]

You have have been wonderful with your advice and congrats! I knew I was right to post here. I wrote down all your questions in my notebook, along with some others I've thought of. I haven't been able to sleep too well last night...can't quit thinking about her...and I'm having a minor surg this morning. Can't these things come one at a time! LOL!

I'm pretty sure we'll say yes depending on if we hear anything we truly can't handle. From what I understand, the adoptive parents had unrealistic ideas of what she would be like, and were far too strict with her. We'll be asking a lot more questions on what will work for her behavior and what she has gone through. I know it won't be easy.

We have always been the people to never give up on anything. If we say yes to her, we will not be disrupting. We'll be in it for the long haul, whatever it will take, so I'm going to be needing all your help!

I will be making a new thread for all you great mommies to give me advice on rewards and consequences for this age. I've never raised a 7 yr old before...only up to age 3.

I'm nervous, but definitely excited. I don't think the worker could believe we remembered exactly who she was since it had been since last Dec. There was/is something about her that's never left our minds.

We have been praying about our decision, and truly hope we make the right one for her, not any selfish reasons for ourselves.

I'll keep you all updated. Does anyone know how quick she can move in? I'm thinking they wouldn't want to keep her in a place that doesn't want her any longer than they have to...We're supposed to give our answer Monday, once we've had the staffing and the weekend to think it over.

[DannieAS]

Originally Posted by dachshunds4you

I'll keep you all updated. Does anyone know how quick she can move in? I'm thinking they wouldn't want to keep her in a place that doesn't want her any longer than they have to...We're supposed to give our answer Monday, once we've had the staffing and the weekend to think it over.

I'm sure it depends on the situation. My friend was lucky in the sense that the girl's fp (same home she had before the disrupted placement) worked with my friend to transition her daughter took a month and a half of visiting...she had anxiety of going to a new place after what happened. However, there are some transitions that go faster depending on the entire situation....I'll be anxious to hear updates

[DannieAS]

Originally Posted by dachshunds4you

I'm pretty sure we'll say yes depending on if we hear anything we truly can't handle. From what I understand, the adoptive parents had unrealistic ideas of what she would be like, and were far too strict with her. We'll be asking a lot more questions on what will work for her behavior and what she has gone through. I know it won't be easy.

Some families are like that though...I heard from my friend that the adoptive placement her daughter had before her, decided to send back another placement after disrupting her daughter's placement, so the agency was really mad. My friend keeps in contact with her sw, because her daughter has two siblings in care that are not up for adoption, but if they ever are, she would like them to join her and her daughter...